Open relation and having problems with one of the girls my bf is dating

But even with friends you wouldn't just break up because of a relationship unless the relationship was very unhealthy.

I sincerely doubt your boyfriend will end things with her. Even if he does,her presence will linger in your relationship for a long time.

All the agreements in the world will not prevent chemistry and passion fueling feelings of love and intimacy. You can call it FWB but they will still have a connection that will be unique to yours.

I agree on some things, ofcourse you have to judge on part of the information, since it is almost impossible to get all the info.

I do know that my boyfriend doesn't want to be in a situation where he is hurting two people. He is hoping to be able to continue it as a friendship. However he doesn't want red in a position where she is still hoping for more. And indeed we have a lot of talking to do to figure things out.

My boyfriend doesn't want to continue a fwb with red in this situation because then we will keep the situation the same. My boyfriend never told red that if things would work out between us that he would want a relation with red. That is something he also told me for a long time, that he feels it was more a friendship

In the end all 3 of us made mistakes and we all have to deal with the crap that come from it.

I honoustly believe that we can work things out.
 
I understand you, however we are in an open relation not poly. We agreed om having a relation where we could have fwb on the side. Not on a poly relation and after talking we are both usre that we don't want to go into that direction.

Sounds like BF wants to stop sharing sex with Red. If possible be only friends and no more FWB.

Is your BF going to be more clear with his future casual sex partners that he only wants casual sex? And not another GF?

Part of the problem seemed to be him being up front and keeping his Word. Has he apologized to you? Is he making amends? Or is he just telling you what you want to hear?

If this comes up again and the "only casual sex with others" agreement is no longer keepable and he or you want to change things? And DO want more... then what's the plan? Have you two talked about that?

In the end all 3 of us made mistakes and we all have to deal with the crap that come from it.

Yup. It's been a learning experience I suppose. Certainly cannot keep on going in the same way with no changes at all.

Galagirl
 
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Sounds like BF wants to stop sharing sex with Red. If possible be only friends and no more FWB.

Is your BF going to be more clear with his future casual sex partners that he only wants casual sex? And not another GF?

Part of the problem seemed to be him being up front and keeping his Word. Has he apologized to you? Is he making amends? Or is he just telling you what you want to hear?

If this comes up again and the "only casual sex with others" agreement is no longer keepable and he or you want to change things? And DO want more... then what's the plan? Have you two talked about that?



Yup. It's been a learning experience I suppose. Certainly cannot keep on going in the same way with no changes at all.

Galagirl

Thank you for your reply.

We still have to do more talking for sure. He did apoligize about some things, but i don't think we already identified all problems made. Which i believe is pretty important to do to prevent this from happening again.

He is still figuring out how to be more clear. Because he did tell red that he was in an open relation, he did call it fwb, but she didn't want to put the lable on it. I feel that he is sometimes afraid to be direct because he doesn't want to other girls to feel like the are only being used. Red told him that she was totally fine with everything up till 2 weeks ago, but then now she explained that she is already hoping for a relation wit my bf for half a year.

On the other hand i think my bf was afraid that he would loose here bacausr he valued here as a good friend. For him it was never a problem if he wouldn't be able to have sex with here anymore, but he didn't want to lose a good friend, so that is why he still had sex with here. I think he might have maken mistakes because of that as well. He was too afraid to loose a good friendship so he might have avoided being clear about the situation.

I think my boyfriend tried to be clear, but red was blinded by love so she did some cherry picking and never expressed her feelings to my bf. I don't want to blame here for that because i can easily understand why that happened.

I've been on her side of the story as well before i meet my boyfriend, and also had to be aware that i didn't turn some actions into,he might choose me over here thinking. However i always hold on to the fact that he told me from the start he was not looking for anything serious. However i can understand that not everyone is able to continue doing that.

On the other hand i probably made the mistake by pushing my opinion too much as well. And i might have made more mistakes, but still trying to identofy everything.

If there are any tips on being more clear in a respectfull manner they are certainly welcome!
 
Thank you for your reply.

We still have to do more talking for sure. He did apoligize about some things, but i don't think we already identified all problems made. Which i believe is pretty important to do to prevent this from happening again.

He is still figuring out how to be more clear. Because he did tell red that he was in an open relation, he did call it fwb, but she didn't want to put the lable on it. I feel that he is sometimes afraid to be direct because he doesn't want to other girls to feel like the are only being used. Red told him that she was totally fine with everything up till 2 weeks ago, but then now she explained that she is already hoping for a relation wit my bf for half a year.

On the other hand i think my bf was afraid that he would loose here bacausr he valued here as a good friend. For him it was never a problem if he wouldn't be able to have sex with here anymore, but he didn't want to lose a good friend, so that is why he still had sex with here. I think he might have maken mistakes because of that as well. He was too afraid to loose a good friendship so he might have avoided being clear about the situation.

I think my boyfriend tried to be clear, but red was blinded by love so she did some cherry picking and never expressed her feelings to my bf. I don't want to blame here for that because i can easily understand why that happened.

I've been on her side of the story as well before i meet my boyfriend, and also had to be aware that i didn't turn some actions into,he might choose me over here thinking. However i always hold on to the fact that he told me from the start he was not looking for anything serious. However i can understand that not everyone is able to continue doing that.

On the other hand i probably made the mistake by pushing my opinion too much as well. And i might have made more mistakes, but still trying to identofy everything.

If there are any tips on being more clear in a respectfull manner they are certainly welcome!

It would help him if he could explain what "casual" or "not that serious" means to him. So speak about concrete things that are off limits like kids or marriage. Speak about expectations. A partner of mine who isn't looking for any more entangled partners says that she can't accommodate someone who needs to see her on a fixed schedule, even if it's an expectation they'll see each other once a month or less. That's doesn't mean they will only see each other infrequently but she doesn't want anyone who needs or expects to see her that often because she does not want additional commitments like that. For her, that is the key difference between a friend and a partner.
 
besides each other we could have short term contacts but also longer term contacts, as long as it wouldn't look like a relation and we would be open if there would get more feeling involved with another person, so it would be possible to end things with the other person.



…. for me it looks like too much feelings are getting involved from both sides and i don't feel safe with that anymore.

- allthough we agreed that dates would not meet his friends....

I think i am having a problem with this girl because she did tell my bf that she wants more contact between them. …..However it feels like she is hoping that she will get a relation with him

My bf agreed dat he only wants friends with benefits on the side.

My bf did tell red that it would never turn into a relation,somehow she still hoped and expected that if she did everything right. My bf would break up with me, so he could be with here. She was very emotional about the fact that she had to realize things with my bf wouldn't turn into a relation.

So what you really want is extra sex toys on the side for your boyfriend. Poly AMORY means multiple LOVES, as in actual loving relationships.

I'm with Vinsanity and Marcus. This girl is acting like a normal human being. MOST people, when they spend time with someone, have sex with someone, meet their friends, actually DO develop feelings.

The two of you, and you in particular, are expecting her to be a living, breathing sex doll for him, with no feelings, no expectations, and to happily accede to whatever YOU decide will be the extent of her relationship with him.

Your posts are entirely about you, your feelings, how everything affects you. Have you considered her feelings, how it feels to her to be drawn into a relationship only to be told, 'hey, no baby, you're really just here for the sex I'm getting from you,' or how this has affected her?

I, too, hope she gets far away and finds someone who treats her like a real person, a valuable person, a person whose feelings matter.

It seems you want no strings attached sex with other women for your boyfriend. Why not go to a swingers club or hire prostitutes?
 
I do know that my boyfriend doesn't want to be in a situation where he is hurting two people. He is hoping to be able to continue it as a friendship.

Nobody ever sets out to hurt two people. Yet, it happens - a lot. There are no heroics in not wanting to hurt two people.
 
You started looking for an open relationship, but you ended up with a poly one. They have feelings. He doesn’t want to end it. He is loving multiple people and desiring relationships with them.

It’s okay to not quite get what you expect - that happens all the time in life. It might not be a disaster. .

The question is not how you can get the situation to fit what you thought you would have— it’s how you can best work the situation that you have now.

It’s causing you anxiety. That’s not wrong, but it is inconvenient and unpleasant Perhaps you can use this as a prompt to work on your anxiety. The growth there will benefit you for life.
You either will get more secure— or you wil get better at predicting what is too much h— and learn not to date people with tendencies like poly to bring home anxiety producing situations.

Your boyfriend’s outside life has grown wider than you imagine. Can you give your blessing to that? Get a bigger life outside him too? Or do you really NEED one person, and need to go search for one? Again, use this situation as a way to make things better for you.

What is going to fail is to try and control her or talk her into understanding she can’t have something because you say so. Because she really only can’t have something if the boyfriend decides it is off the table- not just when he is wit you- but when he is with himself and being honest about what he wants- and when he is with her, and feeling the feelings from being with her.

I’m sorry you are going through this.
 
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