Polyamory and Segregation of Relationships

MU1991

New member
One misconception I have regarding the various forms of Polyamory is how the feelings you have for a significant other can be put on hold so to speak.

I realize that this wording is vague and does not accurately describe what I am trying to communicate, but, for argument's sake, I believe this will work.

Within a poly- relationship, I understand how love can be transferred to multiple partners. YouAreHere posted a link (which is listed below) to a blog on another thread I posted. It was very informative and described polyamory as a sort of fountain. This analogy was avery apt. The reason for this thread is hopefully understand how feelings are put on hold.

http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/2014/08/on-analogies-and-love.html

(I recommend reading this external blog. It is well thought-out and very relevant.)

I myself am in a poly- relationship. I describe myself as mono while my girlfriend is poly-. I have started to adept to this situation and am starting to learn how to not be jealous. I know there is a word for this but it has escaped my mind at the moment.

How does one interact with another person without the feelings of another relationship popping into there heads? I imagine something like going to dinner with a partner and possibly comparing the date with other dates with other partners.

I understand how you can love multiple people for different reasons and how it is difficult for one person to fully facilitate all of the needs for an individual. Again, I define myself as mono- and being in a poly- relationship has definitely caused me to redefine my boundaries. I think that this experience, although saying it is an experience makes it sound as if I do not value the relationship, has benefitted me and caused me to grow emotionally.

I guess what I am asking for is guidance and insight into how relationships can be segregated, in a manner of speaking, while remaining relevant. This is probably a very common concern among monos in poly- relationships but I am still new to this and would greatly appreciate help.

Thank you very much for your time and advice. This is my second thread and so far everyone has been extremely helpful and very respectful in regard to my fledgling experience with polyamory.

H
 
How does one interact with another person without the feelings of another relationship popping into there heads? I imagine something like going to dinner with a partner and possibly comparing the date with other dates with other partners.


Feelings and memories of other relationships (not just romantic ones) are always popping into my head! And it's not a bad thing at all, to recall things like - oh that reminds me of this thing my mom said, or the last time I was at this restaurant with so-and-so I spilled wine all over myself.

But just like when I am with friends or family members, just because I think of someone else doesn't mean that I am qualitatively comparing them - ie that one is "better" than the other. Its just different. I have had many relationships in the past, and I often remember them fondly, but I don't think "comparing" is the right word, or at least doesn't convey the proper feeling. I have had some partners that are loud and boisterous, or quiet and thoughtful, and sometimes I will think things like "Oh I love how social X is!" or "Wow, Y is just so sweet and considerate!" but never as a side-by-side comparison to anyone else, like "I wish X was more like Y"

Each individual person and situation and relationship is just so different and quirky in its own way. Even if I go to the exact same restaurant with different partners two nights in a row, it is going to be different each time. I might remember something fondly (or less fondly), but I never want the partner I am with to be anyone but who they are, if you know what I mean?
 
I don't put feelings in hold.

I am sorry for my miscommunication. I am aware that feelings aren't put on hold but I know of no other way to word what I am trying to say due to my limited knowledge. I don't fully understand polyamory yet and am just trying to, as I read in another thread, undo my monogamous programming and better serve my significant other. Thank you for your response. If it would be possible to expound on how you are able to not put feelings on hold, I would appreciate it greatly and the insight you would be providing would be directly applied to m current poly- relationship.

Thank you again for your time.

H
 
Each individual person and situation and relationship is just so different and quirky in its own way. Even if I go to the exact same restaurant with different partners two nights in a row, it is going to be different each time. I might remember something fondly (or less fondly), but I never want the partner I am with to be anyone but who they are, if you know what I mean?

I do understand what you mean. I do the same. I look back on previous relationships with fondness at moments in time that remind me of them.

What I am curious about is when a person thinks of significant other while spending time, whether it is out on a date or just hanging out, with the other significant other. I hope this is coherent. I find it difficult to type out the jumbled mess that is going through my mind.

Thanks again for the time

H
 
I don't segregate my relationships so. If i think about GG while out with Maca I talk about it just as i would if I thought about anyone else and vice versa. I am very open about my love for both and that I love them for different reasons. They are polar opposite in so many ways it is almost impossible to compare them, easier to contrast.
But I don't try to box my emotions about one while with the other.

Do you have children or siblings?
I have kids also and the way I feel is similar. I don't box or segregate my love for one child from the other. When i spend time with one or another of the children my focus is on them but my love for the others remains constant, just in the background of my attention. Just as when i am at work or school or having sex with my partner, my love for my kids remains constant but in the background.
The same is true of my love for my partners.
 
For us it was simple, or least it was for us. We did not put love on hold. I loved my wife. My wife loved me. We both loved our girlfriend and our girlfriend loved us. She also loved her husband who did not love us but was friends with us. I think you are assuming that you can only love one person at a time. We know for a fact that it is not true.

What is true is that you can love one person more than another. My primary love is my wife and then our girlfriend. For my wife it is me and then her g/f. For our g/f it is my wife, then her husband and then me. Never a problem in the 38 years of our relationship. It just worked out for all and no one put love on hold. Our girlfriend slept in her own room in our home and called her husband every night before she went to bed. It may sound crazy that she is fresh out of bed with me or me and my wife and then talking about normal things with her husband a few minutes after her orgasm. Call us crazy but to us it was just our normal life because it was the way we lived for most of our adult life and knew no other way to live. Only now does it seem strange. :)
 
The one in the article of

Monogamy: polyamory:: ___________​

Is constructed weirdly to me but given that the word "monoamory" is not recognized in a dictionary where "monogamy" is made to do double or triple duty?

I can see why sometimes people get confused as to WHICH definition of "monogamy" is being used in conversation. People do not always take the time to calibrate to make sure they are all using the same definition.

If going with that, it is better written to me as

monoamorous: polyamorous :: monogamous : polygamous​

The combos could then be

  • monoamorous and monogamous
  • monoamorous and polygamous
  • polyamourous and monogamous
  • polyamorous and polygamous

To me a linear model is not useful though. Rather than imagining a line analogy to me it is more like a box with toggle switches. The toggles could be

  • Monoamorous or polyamorous?
  • Monogamous shape relationship or polygamous shape relationship?
  • Open or Closed relationship?

Monogamous shape relationship, polygamous shape relationship....those are relationship shapes to me.

  • Monogamous shape thing has 1 other person max.
  • Polygamous shape thing could be more than 1.

Monoamorous loving, polyamorous loving.... That is about desire or capacity to me.

  • Monoamorous person has the desire or capacity to love one sweetie at a time. 1 person IS their personal saturation point.
  • Poyamorous person has the desire of capacity to love one or more sweeties at a time. What they pick is gonna be 1 person, 2, 3... up to their personal saturation point at the time.

But in terms of participating?

  • A monoamorous person could choose to participate in a monogamous shape relationship or a polygamous shape relationship of some kind if they want. Or be not dating right now. That is ok too.
  • A polyamorous person could choose to participate in a monogamous shape relationship or a polygamous shape relationship of some kind if they want. Or be not dating right now. That is ok too.

The author suggests the concept of "monoamorous love is like a pendulum" and "polyamorous love is a fountain" to try to get a handle on it. To me it falls short a bit.

From the article....

I'm Monogamous. My love is a pendulum.
When I am fully invested in a romantic partnership, that pendulum has swung all the way in that direction.
When I am casually dating, that pendulum is somewhere in the middle, tending to everyone, but nowhere as intense.

How does this not also apply to a dating poly person? The dating poly person will have the same pendulum. Dating around, not fully vested... til they are fully vested. Their pendulum swings all the way over too. Same as the author.

So much for pendulums then. We all have them.

The author also seems to say that once she is fully invested in her romantic relationship, she is there giving it her all. How is this not her own "fountain-ness" then? When the poly person invests, they are giving it their all too. Doing their fountain thing too. So much for fountains. We all have them.

She seems to be trying to talk about being vested in the relationship. When dating in a monogamous structure, going exclusive IS one cue of being vested/committed. If a monoamorous person is dating in a polygamous structure, that cue is not there. So... what replaces it?

She comes closer with the radius thing. Her radius for her fountain once she is fully vested is 1. She wants to loveshare with the 1 person that is her BF.

Her partner is poly and he wants to loveshare with whoever is within his circle too once he is fully vested. Just that his radius is 1+.( At this time there seems to be another partner so he's hinge to 2 people at this time.)

Ok. People have different size love fountain circles. So... how do these folks know when they are in the dating partner's circle?

The author of the article is monoamorous and has chosen to participate in a polygamous shape relationship of some kind at the time the thing is written. For her, dating no other people is showing that she is fully vested in her hinge.

She feels hurt when the hinge says it is ok for her to date other people, like it diminishes her love or commitment. The hinge may mean it a different way like... "I love you, I am vested in you, and I feel secure and ok if you want to date other people. I feel safe in our commitment."

These people could need to calibrate what they mean then. A ruler can measure in both inches and centimeter. Making sure both people are using the same side... that's calibrating.

I think the dating couple in question could ask several things as they calibrate. Maybe ask the questions more directly of each other

  • What brings us together? How long will this ideally go?
  • How vested/committed are you in our relationship right now? Is that even a thing we are working toward?
  • How will you tell me/let me know you are really vested/committed?
  • How will you tell me/let me know you are no longer vested/committed?

Along with each person asking themselves:

  • Is all that enough for me feel good continuing in a polygamous relationship shape with this partner?

How does one interact with another person without the feelings of another relationship popping into there heads? I imagine something like going to dinner with a partner and possibly comparing the date with other dates with other partners

I am going to take it at face value. I go to dinner with my spouse. How do I do that without comparing it to dinner dates I have with X? I just don't.

I might mention X like I saw them recently or they borrowed my movie as part of the initial "how are you? what's new?" Not going on and on about them. We all do that chit-chat thing as we just arrive to the date and settle into the present moment. Once settled, I am present. I pay attention to what he's saying. I share conversation. I am on a date with him to be with HIM. The rest of the flotsam takes the back seat -- work, kids, pets, etc.

Is this about you? You go to dinner and cannot relax because you are comparing in your head? Or you cannot relax because you worry your hinge is comparing you to the other partner on the dinner date? If comparing cranks you up, you can learn to not do that behavior. Risk going to the dinner and experiencing.... Non-doom, and learning to put down your fear/anxiety.

How are you doing with jealousy management? Are thinking you have to learn how to express appropriately when you feel jealous or envious? Just like one learns to appropriately express feeling sad or mad?

If you want to understand your partner and your partner's experience and how they think and would answer that... Could talk to your partner direct.

I guess what I am asking for is guidance and insight into how relationships can be segregated, in a manner of speaking, while remaining relevant.

I am confused. You post in poly discussion but I get the vibe you want to know about YOUR situation. Like...

"I need help asking my hinge for guidance and insight into how my hinge handles the two relationships. Because I want to know if I am relevant, valued. I want to know where I stand with my hinge. Is my hinge fully vested in me and our relationship?"

Is that what you mean? Or you want to know how *I* tell my partner know I am fully vested in him and in our relationship? I tell him verbally. Often. And I am here, present in our life together, doing stuff together... so I'm telling him in my actions too. There's back and forth relating going on.

To me relationships are relevant when they are participatory and there is some kind of back and forth relating going on, a mutuality, a fostering of continuing connection.

When a partner checks out? I think most people sense it whether they are in a monogamous structure or a polygamous structure. Whether they want to address it, admit it, accept it... Or not? I think they can tell when it becomes one sided or grinds to zero.

Galagirl
 
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Wow, GalaGirl. You are so good.

My two relationships are very "vested and committed" to use GalaGirl's phrasing from the linked article. They are also completely separate (happen in different places without interaction between the two guys). But I think of them both a great deal of the time, as well as my kids, and my kid-on-the-way. They're all my family, and the closest beings to me.

A lot of what goes on between me and Mitch is about me and Mitch (and baby). But some is about just Mitch, and that's when I learn more about him. Some is about just me, and that's when he learns more about me. And "me" includes my life with Woof and the kids. To Woof, "me" includes my life with Mitch. Could substitute Woof and kids for Mitch and baby in the above - it's roughly symmetrical.

No segregation, despite complete physical segregation. I'm not comfortable compartmentalizing myself. When I have to hide the poly from outside people, that reinforces the wall between us. I don't want walls between me and my intimate partners, kids, or other chosen family.
 
Sometimes when I'm with Hubby, I'm thinking about Guy or S2.

When I'm with S2, sometimes I'm thinking about Guy or Hubby.

I'm not with Guy enough, but often when he and I have one of our marathon phone calls that fills our need for emotional intimacy with each other, I talk with him about Hubby and S2. (Guy has specifically encouraged me to talk to him about the other relationships; he understands my emotional perspective and how my mental health diagnoses can affect my perceptions and relationships, so he has expressed his willingness to help me navigate by being able to speak from *my* perspective about a *man's* perspective, if that makes sense. In other words, he kind of translates Hubby and S2 for me, because he understands them and understands how I need to hear things to have them make sense.)

I am in three separate relationships, but I am one person, and each relationship is part of me. I have asked each man whether they're uncomfortable with me talking about the other two, and whether they're uncomfortable with me talking to the other two about them. All three have assured me that they recognize that they are *part* of my life, but not my entire life, and that it's okay if I mention the others.

That said, when I am with each one, I focus my attention on the one I'm with. He is my focal point at that time. Yeah, sometimes my mind wanders; but my mind is just as likely to wander to whatever book I'm working on, or to my kids. That's me; my brain goes about a zillion miles an hour. And the men I'm involved with know this and accept it as one of the facets of the woman they care about.

Thinking is thinking. It isn't acting. If I were to *act* distracted when I'm with each man, or to act like he wasn't as important as whatever's on my mind, that would be unfair and rude, in my opinion. But they know me, and they know how my brain goes. I make however much effort is necessary to keep each man my primary focus when I'm with him; each of them recognizes that if I talk about the other two, it isn't that I'm comparing or contrasting or more "interested" in the ones I'm talking about, but that they are all part of my life, and I share my life's aspects with those I care about. It isn't about shutting out the one I'm with; it's about letting him further in, and fortunately, they see it that way.
 
So, in the interest of full disclosure, the blog post in question is mine. :eek:
The intent of the blog is really to try to be a Mono/Poly resource that doesn't strictly come at things from a Poly POV.

I'll respond to your points, GG, but if the OP thinks that we're taking over the thread, then I'm more than happy to move this discussion to another thread.

The one in the article of

Monogamy: polyamory:: ___________​

Is constructed weirdly to me but given that the word "monoamory" is not recognized in a dictionary where "monogamy" is made to do double or triple duty?

I'm not a fan of conflating personal "love style" with relationship style either, but I felt that adding more terminology right now, for folks who are struggling with it all (mono folks in a poly relationship), would end up confusing things. However, seeing your confusion (and seeing that your confusion is distracting from the message), I may write something additional in the future that addresses this.

In this blog post, I am using Monogamy and Polyamory, in this sense, as a reference to "love style", not relationship style.

  • Monoamorous person has the desire or capacity to love one sweetie at a time. 1 person IS their personal saturation point.
  • Poyamorous person has the desire of capacity to love one or more sweeties at a time. What they pick is gonna be 1 person, 2, 3... up to their personal saturation point at the time.

My point with the analogy, though, was that Monoamorous people *know* this. In my experience, though, I had a hard time understanding the feeling. Not the "what". I had no idea *how* Chops could feel that way without emotionally pulling away from someone else. I had no other point of reference, and didn't Grok how he could love in a way that seems so fundamentally different from the way I do.

How does this not also apply to a dating poly person? The dating poly person will have the same pendulum. Dating around, not fully vested... til they are fully vested. Their pendulum swings all the way over too. Same as the author.

So much for pendulums then. We all have them.

The pendulum was meant to represent emotional investment, not effort. Based on that, I disagree with your statement. Being "all in" for me means that I cannot emotionally sustain another relationship of the same type. I am internally in conflict, pulling between multiple objects of affection, and unless I limit the intensity of emotion (which brings me back to "casual dating" again), I cannot emotionally handle this.

Chops doesn't have this internal struggle. Loving more, for him, does NOT mean pulling away from someone else. I found it an apt visual analogy that highlights our differences in love styles.

She feels hurt when the hinge says it is ok for her to date other people, like it diminishes her love or commitment. The hinge may mean it a different way like... "I love you, I am vested in you, and I feel secure and ok if you want to date other people. I feel safe in our commitment."

These people could need to calibrate what they mean then. A ruler can measure in both inches and centimeter. Making sure both people are using the same side... that's calibrating.

That was exactly my point - that it helps to understand that we're coming from completely different places when speaking/hearing those words. We see things through our own filters, and it leads to confusion. We need to realize that hearing the same thing does not mean understanding it in the same way.

I think the dating couple in question could ask several things as they calibrate. Maybe ask the questions more directly of each other

  • What brings us together? How long will this ideally go?
  • How vested/committed are you in our relationship right now? Is that even a thing we are working toward?
  • How will you tell me/let me know you are really vested/committed?
  • How will you tell me/let me know you are no longer vested/committed?

Along with each person asking themselves:

  • Is all that enough for me feel good continuing in a polygamous relationship shape with this partner?

That would be marvelous. I think Chops and I (and Xena, and now Noa to some extent) are doing this. However, in the beginning, I think we made every newbie mistake in the book, perhaps even writing new ones. :rolleyes:

Sometimes we need to be reminded (in mono/poly relationships) that we may be coming from VERY different places. Adjusting our communication accordingly is a huge step toward understanding these differences, even if we don't Grok them.

I'll go ahead with the "segregation of relationships" in my next post. :) Thanks for your feedback, GG... it's appreciated.
 
The reason for this thread is hopefully understand how feelings are put on hold.

[...]

How does one interact with another person without the feelings of another relationship popping into there heads? I imagine something like going to dinner with a partner and possibly comparing the date with other dates with other partners.

I have to echo the other responders who said that feelings pop into my head all the time. It's not about restricting the feelings, but maybe watching my actions and making sure that I'm not being obnoxious to my partner.

Yes, I'm Mono, but this still pops up for me from time to time, mostly with respect to my ex-husband. When Chops and I were in NYC, we were walking around an area I'd previously been to with my ex, and didn't realize I was making so many "oh yeah, that shop is down here. Ex and I found it last time we went" types of comments until Chops made a backhanded joke about being on the YouAreHere and Ex's tour of NY. Ouch.

Chops has absentmindedly said things that were meant to be inclusive (after all, Xena and I are both family to him) that served to irritate the other. For example, Chops telling Xena on a picnic in the park that the only thing that would make the day better is if I had been there... Again, ouch.

Thoughts pop up, but it's up to us to respect our partners and understand that a date, or a vacation, or a special "two of us" moment probably shouldn't be interrupted by expressing these thoughts (unless you know ahead of time that everyone's okay with it).

I know he loves Xena, but I don't want our dates to be all about her. KWIM?

Something else that tends to be brought up from time to time when we talk about segregation of relationships is the idea of keeping some special things off-limits to other relationships (favorite restaurants, etc.). I prefer not to do things this way, simply because I want to have the same opportunities with my partner that other people do. Our experiences with other people will always be different, as my various trips to NYC (with my ex, with Chops, with my daughter and her dance troupe, with college friends, etc...) have taught me. I'm not sure if you wanted to talk about this aspect of it or not, though. :)

Okay, my lunch is getting cold, so I'm going to stop typing now. Nomnomnomnom...
 
YouAreHere, great point about having some things remain exclusive to a specific couple. There are experiences I've had with each man that I *don't* share with the others; there are certain gestures of physical affection that I reserve exclusively for only one of them. I'm not sure they even realize I do it, but *I* need to, because even if they're never aware, keeping those separate things for each of them helps me hold in mind how special they each are to me. Not that I need the reminder, but it makes me feel happier to know that I'm giving each of them a piece of me that the others don't get.
 
The one in the article of

I am confused. You post in poly discussion but I get the vibe you want to know about YOUR situation. Like...

Is that what you mean? Or you want to know how *I* tell my partner know I am fully vested in him and in our relationship?

Galagirl

You are correct I do want to know about my situation. I posted here because I want to know how others deal with these issues in there relationships. I use my personal experience because it is the only frame of reference I have in regard to polyamory.

After reading all of the threads, I believe I have a better question that more closely describes what I am trying to convey.

When you are with a partner, I like the idea of being totally focused on them. While the possibility of your mind wandering a little or bringing up another partner is possible, the idea of being focused on the now is a comforting thought. But what about when someone is not with any of there partners? How does one handle this situation?

Again, I am just trying to learn from all of the experience from this forum. I have been here a very short time and already I have learned quite a bit from the people on here. Also, thank you to everyone for the responses and for all of the help.

Mu1991
 
Not sure what you mean by "what about when someone is not with any of their partners"... Do you mean how do they divide their thoughts between/among the partners?

There is no such thing, in my opinion, as an EQUAL division in a poly dynamic. Fair and equal are not the same thing.

When I'm alone, I think about whichever man I happen to be thinking about. Or about none of them. Or about all of them. I don't try to divide or modify my thoughts so I'm thinking about each of them the same amount of time, because how would that even make sense?
 
Not sure what you mean by "what about when someone is not with any of their partners"... Do you mean how do they divide their thoughts between/among the partners?

There is no such thing, in my opinion, as an EQUAL division in a poly dynamic. Fair and equal are not the same thing.

When I'm alone, I think about whichever man I happen to be thinking about. Or about none of them. Or about all of them. I don't try to divide or modify my thoughts so I'm thinking about each of them the same amount of time, because how would that even make sense?

MU1991, are you dealing with jealousy when you believe your partner is thinking about someone else? I'm not sure how you would know, without outward signs pointing in that direction (bringing up the other person in conversation, for instance). If your partner's mind is elsewhere, it may mean they're thinking about their partner, or it may mean they think they left the kitchen light on. It's probably best to not worry about what they're thinking, unless it's, "I think the house may be on fire."

Heck, if anyone could read my mind, they'd know of my dreams to be a superhero... We can't have THAT getting out.

Oh. Crap. Whoops.
So much for my secret identity. :p
 
It was a good blog entry, youarehere. I enjoy analogies to get a handle on concepts. Just that pendulums and fountains don't happen to resonate for me. I can appreciate that it might for others.

The pendulum was meant to represent emotional investment, not effort.

Yes. I also meant it as emotional investment. :)

Being "all in" for me means that I cannot emotionally sustain another relationship of the same type.

That to me is "saturation point." I can sustain 2 well. After that, I cannot do any more to the same degree.

Someone else might be able to do 3+ or whatever their saturation point is. But I am good at 2.

  • When I decide to be with 1, I am all in for being emotionally invested in that one.
  • When I decide to be with 2, I am all in for being emotionally invested in those two.

Both times? To my best of my ability. And my best is 2 max.

3? Nope. That is beyond my ability to sustain well. When I learned that about myself as a young woman I was dating 4. Which felt fun. But I wanted to get more invested, and investing deeply in 4 was beyond my ability. So I cut one loose and tried to see what investing in 3 was like, but didn't find I had enough left for ME and my self care like that. So I cut another and felt good at 2.

So I learned I can date 4 or less casually or I can invest deep in 2 or less. That is keeping me within my personal saturation point/personal limitations.

I am internally in conflict, pulling between multiple objects of affection, and unless I limit the intensity of emotion I cannot emotionally handle this.

Nothing wrong with that -- knowing one's personal limitations/preferences. Self awareness and self knowledge is a good thing.

I feel that ping-pong pull thing too. I do not experience it as "conflict" but rather as "relational dynamic." Having several relational dynamics going on turns into internal conflict for me when I get spread too thin, get too overexposed. Like you, I also limit myself at my saturation point because I don't want to go into the zone where I cannot handle it. That's not good for ME!

More plates to spin, more tending to be doing.

The polymath zone? It can be very stimulating, very intense. It's also a lot of work. Serolynne's formula is a good estimate... I personally would include other layers, but she makes the point that it is geometric and not additive.

I enjoy intensity like that but I've been Closed a long time (mono-poly marriage) because I don't want to be dealing in it alongside parenting. Some can, some cannot -- and I cannot. Parenting is intense to me! I can wait to go there again.

But ultimately I think it is all the same on the general plane -- Everyone has popcorn thoughts/feelings, but everyone also has control over their behavior.

I do not see a need to try to prevent my popcorn thoughts/feelings from burbling up. Just let the flotsam and jetsam float off. I don't have to DO anything about popcorn. I am not my thoughts or feelings. I am the one doing the thinking, experiencing the feelings.

I do see a need to not be blurting things at my partner and behaving obnoxiously. That I can control by being mindful and present when I am with my partner at the dinner date with my words and actions.

Galagirl
 
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After reading all of the threads, I believe I have a better question that more closely describes what I am trying to convey.

When you are with a partner, I like the idea of being totally focused on them. While the possibility of your mind wandering a little or bringing up another partner is possible, the idea of being focused on the now is a comforting thought. But what about when someone is not with any of there partners? How does one handle this situation?


MU1991, thanks for clarifying this is more about your personal situation and not so much about discussing a blog entry you found online or general poly concepts. Maybe next time post it in "Poly Corner" rather than "General Poly?" That could help your reader understand better. :)

I am glad writing helps you sort your thoughts out though... keep going!

Let me repeat back so I know I got it, Ok? Correct me if I am wrong. Do you mean something like...

"When I am with my partner (the hinge), I like the idea of being totally focused on her (and her me.) When we are on a date, while the possibility of her mind wandering a little or bringing up another partner is possible, the idea of us both being mainly focused on the HERE AND NOW and our shared date is a comforting thought to me.

It helps dispel my feelings of ______. It helps dispel my thoughts/worries of _______.

But what about when I am not with my partner on a date? How do I handle this situation? Me feeling ________? Me thinking/worrying about _______?"

It's like a chunk is still missing to me. Could you be willing to keep filling in the blanks?

Galagirl
 
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I agree it still sounds confusing.

When I'm alone I think about whatever my mind thinks about. Honestly-it's almost never either of my partners.

When I'm alone, I am thinking about statistics, Trig, school, kids or the book I'm reading.

If I am fantasizing-I think about whoever the heck I want to fantasize about and again-that often isn't either of my partners.

I'm not sure why it matters what a person thinks about when they are alone.

Well-for that matter, I'm not sure why it matters what a pesron thinks about ever; as long as it includes managing how they behave and treating the people near them with respect and sensitivity... :rolleyes:
 
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone one this thread that has posted. Everything that has been written is very thought provoking and useful, so thank you again.

Mu1991
 
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