I am in a V with a married woman. Prior to engaging in a relationship with Boo (37), I asked her husband Thinker (54) for his blessing to begin dating his wife. D was very accepting and eager for me to date her.
Thinker & Boo had discussed their desire to live life poly. (As it turns out, Boo is poly, Thinker is more "swinger" -- really can't handle the emotional attachments)
Boo and I began dating and quickly found that we were amazingly compatible and had so much in common that we connected emotionally extremely quickly. (Soon followed by a physical connection after we both were tested for STIs, etc.)
After our feelings for each other began to turn from "wow" to "love", Thinker began to feel very threatened by Boo's love for me. He asked me to "bow out" because I was starting to cause problems with their marriage. Boo and I discussed this because I felt that she should have a say in this decision since it's her life and our relationship was not his to control (Boo and Thinker neither have VETO power).
After talking to Boo, we decided that what we have is too significant to toss aside and we both really want to see where our relationship will take us. Boo believes in not having "primary" and "secondary" relationships. She and I both believe that labeling relationships can make one seem more valuable than the other, which is not the point for us. Each relationship, while unique, has equal value to our lives.
So, since Boo and I decided not to stop seeing each other, Thinker kind of .... well, no not kind of... REALLY went off the deep end. Thinker is a psycho-therapist and is very cerebral.
He began getting increasingly manic.. He started by being very manipulative then turned to blaming Boo for his downward spiraling mental health. He became verbally and emotionally abusive towards her. He took her daughter to a hotel (without Boo's knowledge and consent) because he said that Boo's decision to continue seeing me was poor judgment and was tired of Boo's daughter being exposed to it and to her being "absent" even when she was home. He "diagnosed" me after only meeting me a few times for a few minutes and began spouting out how I have some major psychological issues and trying to convince Boo that I really didn't love her because I am "a sociopath" and that I am unable to have real emotions, etc.... (very, very weird stuff -- You should see the e-mails...)
He would do things like be in the car with Boo and they would start talking about the issues and about our relationship and he would lliterally stop the car, get out and RUN down the street, leaving Boo in the passenger seat of the car.
He dropped to the floor in Wal-Mart like a 2 year old, lying on his stomach, hitting the ground with his fists and kicking and screaming because Boo would not quit seeing me...... (this is a 54 year old man we are talking about....) People from aisles all around were coming to see what was going on and if this man was ok, which infuriated and embarrassed Boo to no end.
Thinker had finally decided that since we would not stop, we were now having an "illicit affair".
Boo kept trying to work on things with Thinker. Thinker eventually stayed at a friend's house for 3-4 weeks, and Boo would go over there almost daily to visit with him and try and work on these issues and get him to realize that she IS NOT going to stop seeing me and that she DOES NOT want to lose him, but she can't/won't NOT live Poly.
It never really got better from here. Boo & I were spending the weekend last weekend at a friend of her &thinkerD's house celebrating her daughter's birthday party. (with Thinker's knowledge that I was there --- although he wasn't thrilled about it, but Boo's daughter really wanted me there) Thinker was very upset/manic on Sunday morning and tracked down Boo and I at the grocery store simply to say he was "done" and he wanted a divorce. He said that he would move the rest of his stuff from their apartment, he no longer considered her his wife, he took 1/2 of their joint savings, etc. That's the end of it. Boo was very sad to hear this, but after all that he had put her through over the past few weeks, she was almost numb to this news... it was a "relief" in many ways.
He called us up after that interaction and told us that he told the home owners (where we were staying for the weekend) about our "affair" and that how I was there disrespecting their house and how I had these mental illnesses, etc. and that the home owners wanted me to leave their house IMMEDIATELY and that they wanted T and her daughter to leave as soon as they got the place clean.
Boo was devastated/pissed off about all of this. She felt that Thinker was out telling lies on her and sharing her personal business with people that had no reason to know. We left and that was that......
The next day (Monday), Thinker asked to meet Boo for breakfast to discuss some things concerning the end of their marriage. Boo agreed to go see him yet again. When they met, Thinker was (as Boo put it) "back to normal" and very calm. He said that he "releases her" from her wifely responsibilities, no longer considers them a couple, but wants to keep her in his life (he'd rather have something with her than nothing).
So, he has proposed: He will be her 'sugar daddy'... For companionship and sex, he will pay her bills. They will remain legally married until one or the other decides that they don't want it anymore. Boo & Thinker will go to relationship counseling together to learn how to better communicate with each other (at Thinker's expense)
Boo's agreed to this at this point because Thinker is acting "like his old self". I am SOOOOO hesitant about this whole thing.
I feel like Thinker screwed up his chance with Boo. If for no other reason, the manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse that she has had to endure from him. I understand that Boo is a very loving, compassionate and forgiving woman.... But I don't understand her willingness... idk. Not to mention the complete disrespect for/towards me.
If I ever dated someone that treated a partner of mine with the contempt/disrespect that I felt from him.... That'd be the end of that. All of my partners in my eyes are equals. You don't have to be friends, but you sure as hell aren't going to disrespect each other and put me in an emotional tight spot and try to FORCE me to pick YOUR side, which is exactly what Thinker had done to Boo.
So, I had spent yesterday/last night with Boo and I am spending tonight at her house as well. Before I came to work, it was important that all of my stuff was put up because Thinker was coming over... She didn't want it out for him to see. (For her own reasons)
Although their marriage is "over" according to them both, they are spending every day together (at least in some portion - she spent about an hour at his house yesterday while I sat at her apartment alone) since they decided it was "over".
So, these are my thoughts/concerns/questions:
1. He still has her ear on a daily basis to "plant seeds" of his contempt for me. (Boo says she doesn't allow him to speak ill of me and I believe it... But that doesn't make me feel better.)
2. If their marriage is over, why do they continue to be around each other daily?
3. Why/How can she forgive him for putting her through what he didn't her, her daughter or for treating me the way he did?
4. They're staying "legally married" .... which would prevent us from ever taking that step if we wanted to in the future.
5. Why do I feel like I am still playing "second fiddle" to him? I mean, he knows I'm there... why hide my stuff in the closet so he doesn't see it? Why walk on eggshells? I feel like she's hiding our relationship just so she can keep hi from "dealing" with it.
6. How can I convey this all to her.... all my thoughts on the situation... without sounding like I'm telling her WHAT to do. She's a grown woman. I'm not JEALOUS -- I've processed that much. I am upset with him. I dislike the person he is. I feel he's been horrible towards my girlfriend. He doesn't deserve to spend time with such an amazing woman. But, it's her choice.
ANYHOW... Sorry this was sooooo long, but I've been bottling this up kinda.. I've talked to Boo about it some, but not completely. I don't want her to think that I'm trying to control her or convince her to make a decision to cut him out... Please --- any help/advice would be GREATLY appreciated.
Thinker & Boo had discussed their desire to live life poly. (As it turns out, Boo is poly, Thinker is more "swinger" -- really can't handle the emotional attachments)
Boo and I began dating and quickly found that we were amazingly compatible and had so much in common that we connected emotionally extremely quickly. (Soon followed by a physical connection after we both were tested for STIs, etc.)
After our feelings for each other began to turn from "wow" to "love", Thinker began to feel very threatened by Boo's love for me. He asked me to "bow out" because I was starting to cause problems with their marriage. Boo and I discussed this because I felt that she should have a say in this decision since it's her life and our relationship was not his to control (Boo and Thinker neither have VETO power).
After talking to Boo, we decided that what we have is too significant to toss aside and we both really want to see where our relationship will take us. Boo believes in not having "primary" and "secondary" relationships. She and I both believe that labeling relationships can make one seem more valuable than the other, which is not the point for us. Each relationship, while unique, has equal value to our lives.
So, since Boo and I decided not to stop seeing each other, Thinker kind of .... well, no not kind of... REALLY went off the deep end. Thinker is a psycho-therapist and is very cerebral.
He began getting increasingly manic.. He started by being very manipulative then turned to blaming Boo for his downward spiraling mental health. He became verbally and emotionally abusive towards her. He took her daughter to a hotel (without Boo's knowledge and consent) because he said that Boo's decision to continue seeing me was poor judgment and was tired of Boo's daughter being exposed to it and to her being "absent" even when she was home. He "diagnosed" me after only meeting me a few times for a few minutes and began spouting out how I have some major psychological issues and trying to convince Boo that I really didn't love her because I am "a sociopath" and that I am unable to have real emotions, etc.... (very, very weird stuff -- You should see the e-mails...)
He would do things like be in the car with Boo and they would start talking about the issues and about our relationship and he would lliterally stop the car, get out and RUN down the street, leaving Boo in the passenger seat of the car.
He dropped to the floor in Wal-Mart like a 2 year old, lying on his stomach, hitting the ground with his fists and kicking and screaming because Boo would not quit seeing me...... (this is a 54 year old man we are talking about....) People from aisles all around were coming to see what was going on and if this man was ok, which infuriated and embarrassed Boo to no end.
Thinker had finally decided that since we would not stop, we were now having an "illicit affair".
Boo kept trying to work on things with Thinker. Thinker eventually stayed at a friend's house for 3-4 weeks, and Boo would go over there almost daily to visit with him and try and work on these issues and get him to realize that she IS NOT going to stop seeing me and that she DOES NOT want to lose him, but she can't/won't NOT live Poly.
It never really got better from here. Boo & I were spending the weekend last weekend at a friend of her &thinkerD's house celebrating her daughter's birthday party. (with Thinker's knowledge that I was there --- although he wasn't thrilled about it, but Boo's daughter really wanted me there) Thinker was very upset/manic on Sunday morning and tracked down Boo and I at the grocery store simply to say he was "done" and he wanted a divorce. He said that he would move the rest of his stuff from their apartment, he no longer considered her his wife, he took 1/2 of their joint savings, etc. That's the end of it. Boo was very sad to hear this, but after all that he had put her through over the past few weeks, she was almost numb to this news... it was a "relief" in many ways.
He called us up after that interaction and told us that he told the home owners (where we were staying for the weekend) about our "affair" and that how I was there disrespecting their house and how I had these mental illnesses, etc. and that the home owners wanted me to leave their house IMMEDIATELY and that they wanted T and her daughter to leave as soon as they got the place clean.
Boo was devastated/pissed off about all of this. She felt that Thinker was out telling lies on her and sharing her personal business with people that had no reason to know. We left and that was that......
The next day (Monday), Thinker asked to meet Boo for breakfast to discuss some things concerning the end of their marriage. Boo agreed to go see him yet again. When they met, Thinker was (as Boo put it) "back to normal" and very calm. He said that he "releases her" from her wifely responsibilities, no longer considers them a couple, but wants to keep her in his life (he'd rather have something with her than nothing).
So, he has proposed: He will be her 'sugar daddy'... For companionship and sex, he will pay her bills. They will remain legally married until one or the other decides that they don't want it anymore. Boo & Thinker will go to relationship counseling together to learn how to better communicate with each other (at Thinker's expense)
Boo's agreed to this at this point because Thinker is acting "like his old self". I am SOOOOO hesitant about this whole thing.
I feel like Thinker screwed up his chance with Boo. If for no other reason, the manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse that she has had to endure from him. I understand that Boo is a very loving, compassionate and forgiving woman.... But I don't understand her willingness... idk. Not to mention the complete disrespect for/towards me.
If I ever dated someone that treated a partner of mine with the contempt/disrespect that I felt from him.... That'd be the end of that. All of my partners in my eyes are equals. You don't have to be friends, but you sure as hell aren't going to disrespect each other and put me in an emotional tight spot and try to FORCE me to pick YOUR side, which is exactly what Thinker had done to Boo.
So, I had spent yesterday/last night with Boo and I am spending tonight at her house as well. Before I came to work, it was important that all of my stuff was put up because Thinker was coming over... She didn't want it out for him to see. (For her own reasons)
Although their marriage is "over" according to them both, they are spending every day together (at least in some portion - she spent about an hour at his house yesterday while I sat at her apartment alone) since they decided it was "over".
So, these are my thoughts/concerns/questions:
1. He still has her ear on a daily basis to "plant seeds" of his contempt for me. (Boo says she doesn't allow him to speak ill of me and I believe it... But that doesn't make me feel better.)
2. If their marriage is over, why do they continue to be around each other daily?
3. Why/How can she forgive him for putting her through what he didn't her, her daughter or for treating me the way he did?
4. They're staying "legally married" .... which would prevent us from ever taking that step if we wanted to in the future.
5. Why do I feel like I am still playing "second fiddle" to him? I mean, he knows I'm there... why hide my stuff in the closet so he doesn't see it? Why walk on eggshells? I feel like she's hiding our relationship just so she can keep hi from "dealing" with it.
6. How can I convey this all to her.... all my thoughts on the situation... without sounding like I'm telling her WHAT to do. She's a grown woman. I'm not JEALOUS -- I've processed that much. I am upset with him. I dislike the person he is. I feel he's been horrible towards my girlfriend. He doesn't deserve to spend time with such an amazing woman. But, it's her choice.
ANYHOW... Sorry this was sooooo long, but I've been bottling this up kinda.. I've talked to Boo about it some, but not completely. I don't want her to think that I'm trying to control her or convince her to make a decision to cut him out... Please --- any help/advice would be GREATLY appreciated.
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