I don't like my metamour :(

The previous drama sounds awful, and I totally understand why you feel uncomfortable with the prospect of them dating again.

I try to play this out in my head. What if I have no contact with her? If we are just honest and say we don't like each other and we won't interact? Would that work?

This would be the first thing for me. I would honestly express how I feel about her, and about them dating. I would want him to know, and also to hear what he has to say. If he wanted to do it, I would not try to stop him (because I just don't see it as my place). However, it would cause two things.

Firstly, I would make so strong personal boundaries around it. That is, exactly the kind of things you describe. E.g. I don't like her, will not pretend to like her, and will not be sucked into her drama and, thus, will not socialise with her. There is no requirement to be friends with metamours, or to like everybody your partner likes. If he tries to pressure you into having contact with her, I would take that as a huge red flag of him not respecting your feelings&boundaries.

Secondly, it would make me evaluate my relationship with him. There is no getting around that, difficult questions would arise. He knows what she is like. He knows she would rather have him for herself, he knows she does not respect you or your relationship with him, he knows dating her will likely lead to drama. Yet, he wants to date her. What does that tell about him? Is it lack of consideration? Lack of respect? Prioritising his feelings of love/lust/addiction over stability of his current relationships? I would think about these things in the context of his previous actions (such as having the affair), and consider what that tells me about my partner and his trustworthiness. Thus, even bigger issue than the potential drama-ridden relationship would be my partner wanting to have such a relationship.
 
Me and my partners don't have veto power per say. We have it I suppose, but only under certain limitations. Those are, if some one deliberately tries to end one of our relationships in favor of theirs they are gone, and if someone is physically abusive they are gone. I don't know your boundaries, his, or what your veto power means, if anything in this case. I would say though, this person tried to disrupt your relationship in the past, so why should they get another chance? It doesn't seem like they want to be poly with your partner, it seems they want to be with your partner under whatever circumstances they can, and that can lead to the same drama as before. If I'm wrong, disregard all of this. But if this were me, I would say "this person did xyz before and because of that I'm not willing to get involved again, I see it as a danger to our relationship. I can't control you, but these are my wants and needs and I would hope you respect them" and see what happens. I wish you the best of luck, and hope either I am wrong and it ends well, or you avoid a toxic situation all together.
 
I don't know how much you've talked about it

But you really need to explain to him why you see her as a threat, and come to him honestly. That may even mean fessing up to your own Machiavellian Machinations of days past so you can tell all about hers and give him the whole picture.
 
I think that Moose has a good point.

Women are absolute Mistresses of manipulation. I should know - I'm a woman and I only date women. ~laughs~

I have been in the position of having my girlfriend absolutely hate my secondary - so I can relate to your problem. It's incredibly tricky. She was the only other woman I had fallen in love with. I did not want to let her go. But, in the end, I had to choose between them.

You husband's ex certainly doesn't sound like someone I would want in my orbit. I'm taking your words on face value... I believe what you are saying, but know that there can be two sides to every story. However, I abhor cheating and whilst I understand *why* it happens, I also understand the colossal destruction it causes.

You have a number of options here. I'm assuming your husband already knows your feelings and that you've talked to him openly and honestly. If not, obviously, you'll want to be doing that ;)

Option 1 - The Veto
To be honest, I don't think there's any such thing. Veto means "you cannot do this" - obviously, in poly, we cannot tell our partners what they can and cannot do. Essentially, what a veto really means is "I cannot be in a relationship with you, if you are in a relationship with her." Basically, you're giving him a choice. If you decide that this really is how you feel, I would put it across that way. This is what my girlfriend said to me and I made the decision to end it with my secondary. It took me a very, very long time to get over that and a long time to let go of the resentment - but, it was probably for the best and I do believe that now. Hopefully, if your husband decided to call it quits on the subject of her, he would also see that eventually too.

Option 2 - Change Your Approach
Sometimes, when there is no room to maneuver within a current relationship makeup, a change of perspective is needed. For example, in my poly relationship, it used to be important that everything fits and everyone gets along well enough. After a few situations, including a current situation of my GF dating someone I severely dislike, I realised that it doesn't really matter what I think. I could either leave, which I didn't want to do; or stay, but under a new frame of mind. I have adopted a more autonomous approach to poly and have distanced myself from my GF's relationships and from hearing about them. Basically... if she's going to say to me "if you want to be with me, you have to accept him", I have countered it with "if you want me to stay and accept him, you'll have to compromise and accept my dislike of him, accept that I do not want to hear about him and accept that I do not want to see him". This way, both people are compromising.

For me, this works best because I believe in promoting my partner's freedom and letting her make her own mistakes. If I 'vetoed', or gave an ultimatum, I'd either lose her, or end up in a relationship where she resents it for years. By letting go of the purse strings and basically telling her to go and do what she wants, I am able to let her play it out for herself. If and when it fades out, at least she'll have gotten it out of her system.... if and when it does, at least she will be feeling grateful for having had the chance to explore that. It could work this way for your husband. He's clinging onto what they did have, because he has unfinished business with her. I have a strange feeling that if he did start a relationship with her, it would not last forever....

Option 3 - Compromise and Compromise Again
You could go with the controlling approach. You could give the green light on their relationship, but under strict rules and guidelines. I do not think that this is productive. I think *some* general guidelines are good; but they have to be realistic. If there are more than about 8-10, I'd be worried. If they forbid emotions, or are stringent, I'd be worried. This approach is going to be the trickiest - it's going to take time and hard work. It's going to be incredibly strenuous for you. At least, that's the way I see it. I think it's possible that it could work - but I don't think it's the easiest path.

Incidentally, I DO think that this is one of those rare cases where it IS ok to say "sorry hon, I cannot manage this"... and let him make his decision on what he wants to do. This may just be my perception of your typing, but I am sensing a lot of blame towards her and a slightly softer approach towards your husband... because, to be honest, you love him, you've communicated with him, you've worked together. You haven't been able to do that with her.

My inclination, if I were in your shoes, would be to have a trial period of him dating her. Three months. You will not know how you feel until it happens. At the end of the three months, review it. He'll have spent some more time with her, which might be good for him. I still hang onto the ex I broke up with for my girlfriend. I still think about her. But... each time I see her for a catch-up, I drift further and further away from those 'in love' emotions .... because, out of the situation, I can see her flaws more clearly. It's possible that this could happen for your husband. One thing is for sure.... if he truly feels that he has to have her, that this is very important, he'll probably never get over her if you force his hand....

If it were me and he agreed to this three month trial, I would want a letter, or some form of communication from her. It's one thing for metamours not to get along - clashes happen. It's another thing to be expected to like the woman who caused you such pain. She basically has some grovelling to do and regardless of your behaviour, needs to show you an ounce of respect and compassion if there is any chance of you being able to cope with a relationship between them.
 
Option 1 - The Veto
To be honest, I don't think there's any such thing. Veto means "you cannot do this" - obviously, in poly, we cannot tell our partners what they can and cannot do. Essentially, what a veto really means is "I cannot be in a relationship with you, if you are in a relationship with her." Basically, you're giving him a choice. If you decide that this really is how you feel, I would put it across that way. This is what my girlfriend said to me and I made the decision to end it with my secondary. It took me a very, very long time to get over that and a long time to let go of the resentment - but, it was probably for the best and I do believe that now. Hopefully, if your husband decided to call it quits on the subject of her, he would also see that eventually too.

I think this is more like an ultimatum. Veto is an agreement-enforced "you cannot be with him/her". Some people do have those kinds of agreements, though what you say also applies: the partner could still decide not to comply with the veto (because you really can't force anybody do anything). To the end result, I'd like to add that the other option is also possible. While he could come to see that it was for the best to give up, he could also come to see that it was a mistake to make a choice in an ultimatum situation, or to choose the person making the ultimatum.

Women are absolute Mistresses of manipulation. I should know - I'm a woman and I only date women. ~laughs~
This is OT, but just wanted to say that, even as a joke, this kind of sexism makes me pretty darn uncomfortable.
 
Could tell him how you feel about her.

Could ask him how exactly he plans to rebuild trust here with you when he wants to be back with his ex-cheating partner.

Could tell him you are not willing for her to re-enter your lives and you are not willing to rebuild anything there.

I know it is hard to feel, but give him clear communication on where it is you are at with this.

Galagirl
 
Thanks for all the insightful comments

This is my first time posting and I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to make such thoughtful responses. This gives me a lot to think about.

Something I noticed: I am getting the sense that some view poly as you just do your thing and I do mine. In my house, we are in a life-long relationship. We do not operate our lives quite that independently, or have one foot out the door. We discuss everything. We check in with each other before and after dates and make sure what we are doing is in keeping with comfort and commitment levels. We have been together more than 20 years, are raising a child, and are committed to growing old(er) together. So, we don't just say, choose your secondary or choose me. That's just not our scenario. Yes, he knows how I feel about the ex. Ad nausea. That is why he isn't pushing so much as just reminding me periodically that he is still interested in her and would appreciate me not closing the door to that. I seriously consider it every time it is discussed (a few times a year?) and say I am trying to get my head around it and here is where I have trouble, how can we get past that? No solution has become apparent yet. We talk and I say I will think about it. But whenever it comes up, I have such a negative visceral reaction, it doesn't go much further.

I do not think that my telling him how I feel is not making him resent me. He realizes I have legitimate concerns and that she (or the relationship I guess, to be fair) caused major drama before. He justs wants this because she is a fun fuck and low maintenance (which I understand -- very appealing). For him. He is not desparately in love with her and my saying it pains me for you to do this won't end his world. I would also add that if the roles were reversed, I cannot see myself refusing to end a relationship with someone who hurt my spouse so much and who obviously causes such pain in our relationship. My husband is first, always. And I am first with him. That's just how we operate.

I should also say that seeing people outside our marriage is more for dating enjoyment and less a "lifestyle" mandate. While we have caring feelings for those we date and love some of them in nurturing, non-posssessive kind of way, I would not say we are "in love" with them in any way close to the way we are in love with and committed to each other. So, our polyamory may differ from yours. I realize that some folks emphasize the "amory" more than others. Maybe you could describe me as more polysexual? I'm not sure the term. While I like having a primary secondary I really connect with -- that sounds awkward -- I may also have periodic dates with others, as might my husband (which I fully support), for whatever reason. New experiences? New connections? Doing things our regular secondary or primary is not into? Just plain fun?
 
Any talk of what you can or can't do aside, I think it's quite reasonable to have an issue with this. My personal feeling is that, if I LOVE someone, heck, even if they're a friend that I just LIKE, and someone treats them like crap, I'd have a problem seeing my friend or loved one treated like crap. I wouldn't want to be with someone who treated my friends badly.

If this is what's gone on in the past, there's no reason to think the trying to break up your marriage will stop now. If they've both been willing to lie to you in the past, do you have reason they're going to be 100% honest with you now?

Women are absolute Mistresses of manipulation.

I am upfront. I don't manipulate or play games. My female friends are the same way.
 
if someone is physically abusive they are gone

Only physically? Are emotional and psychological and verbal abuse not equally damaging? Bruises heal, but all kinds of abuse leave the same invisible scars.
 
I don't know if it's "appropriate" from an "I don't own my partners" perspective... but I, personally, would be playing the "If you really love me and value our marriage, you would not ask about going through with this" card.

It's one thing to cheat, and then get caught and keep on cheating for almost a year. It's one more thing to then try and turn that cheating relationship into a poly relationship. But it's another thing entirely to allow that cheating partner to try and break up your marriage. And make no mistake, she had that ability only because he gave it to her. He and he alone had the power to say: "You are not respecting my marriage. Our relationship is over." But then to turn around two years later and do it all over again? Please.

She is what she is. She does not respect boundaries and she's fixated on stealing your husband. I won't waste time talking about her changing, because that won't happen. But your husband need to get his act together and realize that he's asking to bring a toxic person into your marriage.

That being said, I probably wouldn't say "I forbid you to see her" because:
1. You don't own him and you're not his guardian. You're not allowed to tell him what he can and cannot do.
2. He'll probably lie and do it behind your back.

I would, instead, focus on trying to get him to see her for what she is and see the potential harm she may bring to your relationship. Then ask him to make an informed and educated decision, specifying that you'd prefer he tell you if he's going to see her anyway, rather than cheating again.

See if you can get his other girlfriend on board, too. This ex will probably be as harmful to their relationship, and it's really difficult for men to win any argument against two headstrong women!
 
Something I noticed: I am getting the sense that some view poly as you just do your thing and I do mine. In my house, we are in a life-long relationship. We do not operate our lives quite that independently, or have one foot out the door. We discuss everything. We check in with each other before and after dates and make sure what we are doing is in keeping with comfort and commitment levels. We have been together more than 20 years, are raising a child, and are committed to growing old(er) together. So, we don't just say, choose your secondary or choose me. That's just not our scenario.

...

My husband is first, always. And I am first with him. That's just how we operate.

I should also say that seeing people outside our marriage is more for dating enjoyment and less a "lifestyle" mandate. While we have caring feelings for those we date and love some of them in nurturing, non-posssessive kind of way, I would not say we are "in love" with them in any way close to the way we are in love with and committed to each other. So, our polyamory may differ from yours. I realize that some folks emphasize the "amory" more than others. Maybe you could describe me as more polysexual? I'm not sure the term. While I like having a primary secondary I really connect with -- that sounds awkward -- I may also have periodic dates with others, as might my husband (which I fully support), for whatever reason. New experiences? New connections? Doing things our regular secondary or primary is not into? Just plain fun?

I'm really hoping this forum has more breadth of attitudes than what you've seen so far. I'm new here, too, and what you describe as your version of poly sounds nice to me. My spouse and I put each other first. My wife explicitly gave me veto power not just regarding the person she's interested in, but over the concept. She offered to return to our strict monogamy if I wanted, at any time, if I need that. We have kids, we built OUR LIFE for the last decade-plus, and it can grow and change, but nothing can be allowed to damage it or substantively detract from it.
 
There is much room for different lovestyles on the forum. ;)


I cheated on my husband with my current boyfriend. The story is detailed in other threads.
But three years ago-I decided to get my head out of my ass.

I committed to full honesty and we began attempting to build a dynamic that included my boyfriend (he was already part of the family so just ending contact was never an option).

I can say with certainty-that would NEVER EVER EVER have worked if my boyfriend wasn't equally committed to righting the wrong he made with my husband. I made a wrong I was committed to righting. He made a wrong he was committed to righting.

Something that seems missing in your situation-and this is a common oversight-but VERY unhealthy;
Is MAKING AMENDS.

When someone does a wrong; they owe an apology AND making of amends.
To ask you to "try again" without those steps being made is ludicrous. It's asinine. It's unreasonable. It's unloving.

If your husband wants to put the past to rest in terms of the affair and ongoing drama this woman brought to your life-
he needs to understand that there are certain steps to making that happen.

1) he apologizes for his wrongs-fully acknowledging his responsibility
2) she apologizes for her wrongs-fully acknowledging her responsibility
3) he makes amends and attempts to repair all damages caused by his wrongs
4) she makes amends and attempts to repair all damages caused by her wrongs
5) he rebuilds trust with you
6) she rebuilds trust with you

Until THAT is done-there isn't any future chance at all. Period.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's important to realize that there is a difference between having a trusting and respectful relationship as described by the above posters, where both partners talk openly and honestly with one another, prioritizing the relationship and working to the better good of all.

AND

having a situation where someone has broken trust and needs to re-earn it.


When trust has been broken, agreements broken, boundaries over stepped-
FIRST YOU HAVE TO FIX THAT DAMAGE.
Only after you have cleaned up that mess and repaired that damage can you expect to return to having the full privileges that come with the trusting respectful relationship from prior.
 
Thank you for sharing your situation with us - I have found this thread very interesting and thought-invoking.

As you have noticed we all "do poly" in different ways...which I find fascinating, since the way that I "do poly" differs depending on what my present configuration looks like.

... I am getting the sense that some view poly as you just do your thing and I do mine. In my house, we are in a life-long relationship. We do not operate our lives quite that independently, or have one foot out the door. We discuss everything. We check in with each other ....make sure what we are doing is in keeping with comfort and commitment levels. We have been together more than 20 years...are raising a child, and are committed to growing old(er) together. So, we don't just say, choose your secondary or choose me. That's just not our scenario.

A lot of what you say here applies to my relationship with my husband. We have been together for 2 DECADES, we have built something together (although we don't have kids), we share a history and common goals. I would never give up what I have with him, regardless of who else is involved in my life.

...I cannot see myself refusing to end a relationship with someone who hurt my spouse so much and who obviously causes such pain in our relationship. My husband is first, always. And I am first with him. That's just how we operate.

Hmmm...interesting, I (myself personally) agree with part of the sentiment but not with the reasoning. I think it is because I don't "date." By the time I would consider myself in a "relationship" with someone they would already have had to pass the hurdle of NOT causing pain in my relationship with my husband...or in my relationship with Dude.

It's not that my husband is "first, always" (although he is the first chronologically)...sometimes Dude is first...sometimes I am first - depending on the circumstances. It's more that ... if a "potential" relationship is damaging to a "proven" relationship, then, to me, that "relationship" is just simply not going to work. Why would i want to be with someone that damages the things that are important to me? An analogy: If a friend of mine came in and set fire to my collection, say, of Heinlein novels - they wouldn't be my friend.


I should also say that seeing people outside our marriage is more for dating enjoyment and less a "lifestyle" mandate. While we have caring feelings for those we date and love some of them in nurturing, non-posssessive kind of way, I would not say we are "in love" with them in any way close to the way we are in love with and committed to each other. So, our polyamory may differ from yours.

...While I like having a primary secondary I really connect with -- that sounds awkward -- I may also have periodic dates with others, as might my husband (which I fully support), for whatever reason. New experiences? New connections? Doing things our regular secondary or primary is not into? Just plain fun?

So this may very well be a way that "your poly" is, in fact, different from "my poly" (and every person's "poly" is different). I agree with the "New experiences? New connections? Doing things our regular secondary or primary is not into? Just plain fun?" part, but, for me, I am also a proponent of letting relationships evolve to whatever level is right for that relationship, without restriction. (And, to be fair, I hate the very concept of "dating.")

My relationship with Dude is not at the same place my relationship with MrS is. How could it be? They are different people, we have been together different lengths of time, we have shared different experiences. 20 years from now could my relationship with Dude be near where MrS and I are now? Certainly, or it could be somewhere completely different. My relationship with Dude doesn't have to follow the same trajectory, it is it's own entity.


****

With regards to this:


Yes, he knows how I feel about the ex. Ad nausea. That is why he isn't pushing so much as just reminding me periodically that he is still interested in her and would appreciate me not closing the door to that. I seriously consider it every time it is discussed (a few times a year?) and say I am trying to get my head around it and here is where I have trouble, how can we get past that? No solution has become apparent yet. We talk and I say I will think about it. But whenever it comes up, I have such a negative visceral reaction, it doesn't go much further.

... He realizes I have legitimate concerns and that she (or the relationship I guess, to be fair) caused major drama before. He justs wants this because she is a fun fuck and low maintenance (which I understand -- very appealing). For him. He is not desparately in love with her and my saying it pains me for you to do this won't end his world.

Aside from the "few times a year" that he brings it up, how much effort are you putting into "trying to get [your] head around it"? Do you ignore it between conversations? (This doesn't seem to be the case, since you are here talking about it.) It sounds as though the two of you don't date looking for "co-primary" type life-long relationships. So it sounds, from my perspective, that he is really looking at her as a potential "fuck-buddy" (i.e. "fun fuck and low maintenance"). - to me, that is less-than a relationship. So you either set swinger-type boundaries (you can see her x times a month, and I don't want to hear about it) and let him get her out of his system or you say "No, anyone but her." and put and end to the discussion.


Just some random observations.

JaneQ
 
I don't have much advice, only sympathy. I generally cannot stand my husband's girlfriend, and they have broken boundaries over and over again. She communicates poorly, and is immature and petty much of the time. Right now in particular, she's making me crazy. Sigh. I hope that you're able to work things out for the best.
 
Metamour's passive/aggressive behavior

Little background: I am the hinge in a V with my husband of 20+ years and BF who lives locally and is in a happy poly marriage as well. Both BF and I came to polyamory because our spouses really needed it to be happy. We found each other and are deliriously happy with our marriages and our relationship. We only get to see each other about once a week, with the occasional weekend together about every 6 weeks, and we make the best of it, texting daily. The four of us get along well enough to socialize in groups and as a foursome every once in a while.

Problem: BF’s wife and my husband do not currently have OSOs and since BF’s wife broke up with her boyfriend last spring, I feel that she is being a bit passive aggressive. Outwardly, she is super supportive of our relationship, but she has become a little needy recently, constantly texting him when we are together. Honestly, it pisses me off a little because I get to spend so little time with BF. I don’t feel like I can say anything to BF about it because he gets very defensive when anything remotely negative is said about her. My husband is very good. We talk on the phone while I am on my way to my date and then again when I’m on my way home. He only texts or calls if it is something really important. BF’s wife texts him whenever she thinks of something. Now, I know she has ADHD and it could be attributed to that, but I just get the feeling that she’s “pissing on her territory” sometimes and I’ve NEVER given her any reason to feel threatened. I have no intention of leaving my husband and running off with hers. I LOVE my poly life!

When we first started dating, she had an OSO and was really great and flexible. Even after they broke up, she would go out, often for the entire night so we could have a date night at their house. Now she has stopped doing that, we have had to resort to going to a hotel, which is costly. My husband gives us our house once or twice a month, is it too much to ask for her to do the same? I’m really frustrated
 
Well you don't have to say anything negative to your boyfriend, you could ask if he would mind ignoring his phone when you are on dates together, maybe have him ask her to call if there is an emergency? I don't think it's fair to label her as needy unless she's throwing a fit if he doesn't respond to each and every text. If he IS responding to each one, then it's him that you need to talk to about that & up to him to decide what he wants to do about the texting.

Is it too much to ask that she leave the house so that you and your bf can have dates there? No of course you (or hopefully her husband) can ask all you want, but that doesn't mean she is required to. Is there some reason you can't have dates at his place if she's doing her own thing in another room? I might gladly leave the house if I felt like it, but unless I've made an agreement to do that regularly, I surely don't feel obliged.

It sounds like she used to go out so you could have the house even after her last relationship ended. Did he asked her why she stopped going out or if she is willing to? It's really his job to ask for that if he wants it - she could've stopped going out because the weather got colder, or the people she used to hang out with got busier, or because he's not asking her so she doesn't know it's a problem? I don't know if you have friendly communication with her outside of group events, if so you can always ask her, but I'd suggest you do so assuming the best intentions on her part. It sounds like you may be shifting blame to her when the problem is that you and your bf have poor communication (it is totally possible to communicate a problem to a shared partner with nobody getting defensive - so maybe you should look closely at what you say to see if you are placing blame on her when you try to talk to him, or if he's just being defensive for no reason) and it's largely his job as the hinge to make things run smoothly if he can.

Basically from what you say your behavior seems like it could start getting passive aggressive due to your frustration unless you are already being so, your bf's seems passive (though you aren't clear if he is even aware there is a problem), and I can see you interpret his wife's as such too, but you don't seem to have any actual examples of her being passive aggressive, you just seem annoyed at her behavior being different than it used to be, and that it's affecting you. I'd suggest starting with the things you CAN control like asking HIM for what you want, and seeing if he can accommodate you.
 
When someone does a wrong; they owe an apology AND making of amends.
To ask you to "try again" without those steps being made is ludicrous. It's asinine. It's unreasonable. It's unloving.

If your husband wants to put the past to rest in terms of the affair and ongoing drama this woman brought to your life-
he needs to understand that there are certain steps to making that happen.

1) he apologizes for his wrongs-fully acknowledging his responsibility
2) she apologizes for her wrongs-fully acknowledging her responsibility
3) he makes amends and attempts to repair all damages caused by his wrongs
4) she makes amends and attempts to repair all damages caused by her wrongs
5) he rebuilds trust with you
6) she rebuilds trust with you

Until THAT is done-there isn't any future chance at all. Period.

LR, can you give some examples of "making amends?" I'm having trouble distinguishing that from apologizing or just "not fucking up anymore" but it sounds like you mean more than that...
 
LR, can you give some examples of "making amends?" I'm having trouble distinguishing that from apologizing or just "not fucking up anymore" but it sounds like you mean more than that...

Even though the question was addressed to LR, I am interrupting to give you MY two cents:

"Not fucking up anymore" goes under "rebuilding trust". It is also part of "making amends", but "making amends" goes further than just "not fucking up" and is more specific depending on the situation and the individuals involved.

For example, if a person "talked smack" about you, then "making amends" for that might involve them going to the people they talked to and setting the record straight.

Or, if someone borrowed your car and wrecked it, "making amends" could involve giving that person rides or helping them get another vehicle.

If someone cheated in a relationship, "making amends" would be a more abstract thing and depends heavily on the personalities of the individuals, but it could involve pro-active things like doing nice things for the cheatee without being asked, or re-active things like checking in with the cheatee according to their comfort zone.

I typically don't ever need to do these kinds of things myself, due to the fact that I am perfect and never make mistakes. However, I am prepared for the possibility that someday, someone might need to "make amends" to me, and therefore I have put a lot of thought into my answer.
 
I would say that if your marriage really comes first, then a "low maintenance fun fuck" who has a history of threatening your marriage and who makes your spouse miserable shouldn't be an option. There are plenty of other women out there, and surely out of all of them there is another low maintenance woman who is fun to fuck, so why pick one who will hurt your partner and might even damage your marriage? It seems like he's not really exercising good judgment here, or else his priorities aren't really what he says they are (I would assume the former). I'd ask him to just forget about it.
 
I would say that if your marriage really comes first, then a "low maintenance fun fuck" who has a history of threatening your marriage and who makes your spouse miserable shouldn't be an option. There are plenty of other women out there, and surely out of all of them there is another low maintenance woman who is fun to fuck, so why pick one who will hurt your partner and might even damage your marriage? It seems like he's not really exercising good judgment here, or else his priorities aren't really what he says they are (I would assume the former). I'd ask him to just forget about it.

Everyone's "marriage always comes first" until they feel their bits twitching and suddenly their "needs aren't being met" by their spouse. It's a thing.
 
Back
Top