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Old 09-26-2012, 09:43 AM
Maxy Maxy is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 1
Default New to the forums and the lifestyle!

Hello hello,

So I'm EXTREMELY new to polyamory, which is no doubt going to be extremely obvious when I don't know any acronyms or anything, but I'm so so excited to finally be honest with myself about the way I want to conduct my lovelife.

Quick backstory: I'm bisexual, and for years have careered around aimlessly swinging between mad unrequited infatuations and unfulfilling flings with people I'm not that interested in. I believe that feeling a huge pressure to get into a state of monogamy has contributed to my history of romantic disasters - I'd try to force myself to feel things for my casual partners, and become obsessed with the people I fell for as I'd be so overcome with finally finding somebody that I thought I could accept monogamy with.

Then I met a guy and fell in love in a more balanced way, and we were together for two years. I was happy, mostly, but realised I felt restricted and repressed and would overanalyse every flaw or difference because I thought that if I was going to get everything from one person, then they would have to be exactly the right person. But I can't get everything from one person, and it's taken me a long time not to hate myself for that. We broke up from all the arguments and everything, and I started sleeping with a couple of other people. It was a revelation, great sex and new people with new things to talk about and new dynamics and new everything... but that really really rare connection I'd had with my ex wasn't there, and I realised I missed it and had thrown it away without thinking. He was still in love with me and trying to get me back, but I knew if I got back into the same relationship structure things would be the same. I was honest with him about the people I'd slept with and the way i was feeling, and that's where we are now - trying to work out a new way of being together, where I can maintain these secondary involvements and have everybody know exactly what's going on and be happy with it. It's the hardest juggling act ever and I'm still constantly wondering if I'm just morally corrupt, greedy or slutty, but it's a work in progress.

Anyway! That wasn't as quick a backstory as I thought it would be, sorry! Thanks for reading x
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Old 09-26-2012, 12:03 PM
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Anek Anek is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Munich, Germany
Posts: 45

Hi and welcome!

Your story sounds extremely similar to what I'm going through at the moment. So many shiny new people! So much to learn! So many new fun things to do! And I realize I'm not so excited to see the old bf anymore. I think it helps to keep the perspective that the new people you are seeing are normal people and they will have their flaws like everyone else, you just haven't seen them yet.
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Old 09-27-2012, 01:22 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,029

Originally Posted by Maxy View Post
It's the hardest juggling act ever and I'm still constantly wondering if I'm just morally corrupt, greedy or slutty, but it's a work in progress.
Answers are No, No, and Maybe by some people's standards, but that's perfectly Ok, particularly if you're being ethical about it.

Welcome to the Forum.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
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Old 09-28-2012, 02:45 AM
Arinbjorn Arinbjorn is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Northern Illinois, USA
Posts: 32

It takes time to learn something new. Nobody can fault you for exploring and learning, provided you are honest with them about what you are doing and why. It's their choice to be involved at this point in time, or not. You have a right to do what you feel you need to do - they also have a right to informed consent, or to decide that what you are looking for isn't a good fit for them right now.

It's hard to love yourself if you don't understand yourself, and even harder for other people to genuinely love you if you can't love yourself - in my own opinion.

My other two cents worth is to be wary of Shiny New Lover Syndrome. You fall in love, and everything is shiny and new and fascinating. It is a fleeting thing, I think, and those experiences are a dime-a-dozen. No human being is perfect, and it's only when you really get to know another human being well and begin to understand those things... that lasting love starts to germinate. Or it doesn't, which is also fine. Depends on what you are looking for in life.

Enjoy your discoveries. There is nothing wrong about fully enjoying shiny new lovers, provided honesty and communication prevail, in my opinion. Yet, be slow and wary to cut loose something you feel is special, that makes it past the Shiny New Lover Syndrome phase. If you choose to pursue lasting love, it doesn't have to be with only one person - but realize that everyone has the right to make their own personal choice regarding that. It's kind of up to the individuals to hash out their own definitions and emotions on the topic, and define what exactly each person is looking for - then figure out if it's all compatable or not. It takes time, patience, and honesty - it aint easy.

I'm a newbie here, and I don't mean to go all King Know-It-All On The Silver Mountain on y'all. These are just the bits of wisdom I've figured out in my life that work for me, and I'll pass them on if I think they might be useful to somebody else... also, feel free to utterly ignore me!

Good luck to you! Thanks for sharing, keep us updated, and I'm sure everyone here hopes you will find what you are looking for
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:17 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,949

Greetings Maxy,

Although I am late to do so, I wanted to welcome you to our forum. It's not easy to go polyamorous; it's not what we're taught that we're supposed to do. But you've taken that first and most difficult step, of declaring (to yourself and your partners) that polyamory is right for you.

I'm sure there will be more bumps along the way, but hold your head high anyway. You're doing your best in a confusing world, and aren't corrupt, greedy, or slutty; you just have a lot of love to share.

I hope you enjoy your time on our site.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 10-08-2012, 04:52 PM
nerdyred nerdyred is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 32

welcome! feel free to drop a line in anything I write or check out the introductions of anyone you see.
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