Gave up

mischa

New member
I gave up on playing by the rules.

Been with my now ex-partner for 2.5 years. When we partnered, I told him I was polyamorous and I wanted an open relationship. He was fine with that. Each could flirt as desired with others. We had a distance relationship, and we met 3 or 4 times a year until I could move out of my parents'.

During this last year he connected to the internet less often to speak with me due to his poor economy. I was not satisfied with that excuse, I felt he could be doing more to spend time with me (virtually or otherwise). I told him I was okay with paying his phone bill if he would go online or speak with me often. He still wouldn't (he said he felt bad being supported by me in that way).

He told me he was seeing someone he really liked, from his same city, and he was falling in love with him. I felt happy for him. I met his new lover when I traveled there to their city. His new lover is pretty cool, I like him, I gave them my blessing, we had a threesome.

I come back from the vacation. I spend a month hearing almost nothing from my partner, apart from a few words in short bursts every week or so. He goes online after five days of being with his new lover, without contacting me. I tell him angrily I've had it with his lack of attention to me. He tells me he's displeased because he could have been a sixth day with his lover, but instead he has to bear an argument with me.

How do you even DARE to tell your partner you're displeased when he's telling you off for not attending basic needs in a relationship, the NEED to COMMUNICATE. Would you disagree with your wife for telling you off if you came home after days of being drunk without having told her anything about it? No you wouldn't, you would shut the fuck up and take it like a man, knowing you did wrong. This is not exactly what happened but it's a pretty close analogy. How do you expect to keep a relationship this way. You don't.


I thought if I played by the rules everything would be fine, I told him regularly "If there's ever any disagreement don't hide it, express your feelings, we can always work it out". Earlier this year, when I was having a flirt with someone in a closed couple, friend of his, he didn't like that, and I backed off, "You're right, it's better to not do it". Had a discussion about it here in the forum.

But no. It doesn't matter how much you play by the rules. The other person in the relationship has their agenda and their way of being.

I don't exactly know how this will affect my relationships from now on. If there was a big market of polyamorous people the answer would be easy, just stick with those who are experienced / aren't gonna fuck you over unexpectedly. I was the one in absolute favour of an open relationship, and I've been the one cheated on. It feels absurd, out of place, contradictory.

I don't know how it'll be next. I just know I have to change my approach somehow.
 
I think it's pretty obvious he doesn't want a relationship with you, and is extracting the last he can from whatever he's getting from you without putting in an ounce of effort.
 
Long distance relationships are hard to maintain when you only see someone 3 or 4 times a year. I could do that kind of relationship, but wouldn't consider it a major part of my life (ie., a "primary"). To me, it only makes sense that anyone a LDR lover gets involved with locally would dominate their time and attention.

So, if I were you, looking to change your approach, I would let go of expectations and make sure I am being realistic about what kind of investment in the relationship my partners and I are able to make - expectations are usually where our disappointments stem from, anyway. Better to have preferences instead of expectations.
 
A big difference with experience is that we know which of our rules are deal breakers at first offence and to what extent we are willing to work at it without feeling really mistreated. Figure out your bottom line needs, stick to them and be willing to walk away when you need to.
 
Hi mischa,

So, in a nutshell, I take it you broke up with your long-distance partner because he wouldn't communicate with you enough. You feel like you did all the things you were supposed to do and that just got you the short end of the stick.

What are your plans for the future? How will you do things differently? Will you attempt any more long-distance relationships, or have you had enough of that? What will you do to keep the communication going in the future?

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and frustrated.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
What are your plans for the future? How will you do things differently? Will you attempt any more long-distance relationships, or have you had enough of that? What will you do to keep the communication going in the future?

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and frustrated.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

That is very nice of you, Kevin. We broke up about a month ago.

I'm going to be more selective and critical with possible partners, more demanding with my preferences / expectations. I'm a better catch than I was some years ago, I've got more skills & more means.

Robert Sternberg distinguishes three main components in a love relationship: intimacy, passion, and commitment. I'll expect a higher degree of commitment. Any sign of decline or refusal to commit is going to be met with disinterest.

I've recently begun a dominance / submission relationship where I'm the one in charge. This one is going very well so far, I make demands, they're followed.
 
Haha, makes life as a Dom sound so handy. :) I need to tell people in general, "Look, I'm not going to argue, I'm just going to give you instructions, and you're going to follow them." Perfect! ;)

Nobutseriously, your plan sounds like a good one and I think you will enjoy better relationships going forward.
 
Hi mischa,

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has ended, and I understand that you are feeling hurt and frustrated.

It's great that you have taken your experiences with this person and identified what your needs are. You need more commitment, more consistency, and you need a partner who gives back what you give out.

I just have a few comments to add, and I hope that they help.

I am uncertain as to whether it's a language issue or whether you are half-joking when you say that your new relationship is going well because you "make demands" and they are followed. As a Domme, this does not sit well with me. Relationships are about equality - you were lacking this in your previous relationship. Do be careful not to swing in the complete opposite direction and become the partner who disappointed you previously. By this, I mean please do be careful that you don't become guilty of calling all the shots. A submissive will want to please you, but a submissive also deserves to be pleased in return. Balance is important - get your needs met, but also make sure you are listening to your new partner's needs too, mm? :)

I found a great website recently that offers opinions on how to avoid waiting around for partners who just don't return what is sent out to them. Here it is:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/12-core-boundaries-to-live-by-in-life-dating-relationships/
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/30-...-how-to-avoid-being-a-passing-time-candidate/


Otherwise, it's great that you have learned to look at some red flags and thought about how to avoid them. I wish you all the best!
 
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