Vajra
I don’t feel that I am as important as other people are, and I always put myself last or take myself out of the equation entirely. And the last one is the one Debbie hates the most.
Dickdomin
Which is actually just putting yourself first. Fuck Debbie and what she wants. Fuck what other people say and want. Ray is the most important thing. Ray "feeling he is not important" is far more important than anything and anyone. "No, I don't want to play. I know you need me for the game, but... I fucking busy being unimportant."
It may seem that I am really a self centered little prick. Dickdomin is not the first person to tell me this. Debbie has told me that me taking myself out of the picture is selfish, and that putting myself last makes everyone feel bad. I am trying to change that, but it hasn't been easy.
Vajra
Have I tried to be more aggressive or made the first move? Sure, and each time I felt sick doing so. Why? Because it was wrong.
Dickdomin
Who told you it was wrong?
How do you know it wasn't just constipation, or being full of bullshit?
I know that Debbie, and women like her, want men to be the aggressors. They want to feel desired, wanted. I know this. I know I like it when men are aggressors with me, sexually. I like feeling wanted and deisred, too. And yes, Debbie tells me I am sexy and that she desires me, but it isn't the same.
Dickdomin
Tantra is about being exactly where you are fully. It is not "oh well leave those bad thoughts in the other fucking room." Those thoughts are happening right then.
Debbie wants to suck your cock, let her suck it. Your fucking feelings, being worthless are worthless and should not be considered. Feel guilty, feel worthless, and feel any damned other thing you want to feel. But put your worthless cock in her mouth when she asks. She should never have to ask twice.
You're right.
Vajra
I love sex, just not doing it. I love Debbie, but I feel that other men deserve her more than I do. I know I can provide for Debbie financially, and I have done so quite well. But that is not something anyone other man couldn’t do. I can please Debbie, sexually, as well. She says I am the best she has had, but I have heard her tell other men the same thing. So, what am I to believe?
Dickdomin
I have eaten about twenty different kinds if ice cream (not something I really like) and sometimes holy shit this is the best I've ever had. In that moment it is my experience. Same with women.
You mean I might change my Perfect POV!?! Evolve? Grow? Develop?
Well Ray, in your case relax. Be worthless. Just get when Debbie wants to suck your cock, your feelings do not enter into the discussion. Feel anything you want and put your cock in her mouth. Later, we don't give a shit how you felt or if you liked it.
I know what you mean, and I agree with you, to a point.
Vajra
I love sex, and anything sexually related, but I also feel that me thinking about and wanting sex is wrong. I know I can’t be the only person who has ever felt this way. Or am I?
Dickdomin
I think you thinking about thinking about thinking about sex is the real problem.
I have something to say about this in just a minute.
Dickdomin
So who told you wanting sex is wrong Ray? What did they say exactly?What made you decide what they said was more important than fifty thousand tantric masters?
My mother, although she undressed and dressed in front of me as I grew up, told me that, because she didn't enjoy sex with my father, that girls prefer boys who are nice, not sexual. This was the first telling. When I was sixteen and dated a girl who left me for a younger, more frail boy, told me that he was more what she wanted and that he pleased her sexually and I really shouldn't even try to get sex, that was the second telling that had the most effect. When this girlfriend's friends told me that my GF had told them I was too small for sex, that was a third tell.
I had church people telling me that sex before marriage was wrong. I had neighbors, who I could hear having sex often, tell me that I thought too much about sex, even when I wasn't thinking about sex. And I gave other boys oral when I was in junior and in high school so that they wouldn't beat my head in, which happened anyway, often. These were people telling me that sex was wrong.
The fact that I had sex with boys and men for safety reasons was enough to tell me that I was having sex for the wrong reasons. The reason I became attracted to older men when I was younger was because they showed a like for my penis. They actually liked what I had. And I very much liked what they had. And to add to this, I found out, throughout the years, that it wasn't the sex I actually enjoyed. It was how good I made others feel that made me feel good. And feel good about myself.
The problem I have had all my life is that I have never understood pleasure, mostly because I have never experienced it. I do not experience pleasure when I ejaculate. I do not feel it when anyone is down on me. I do not experience physical pleasure from giving or receiving sex. When I am oral with another man, I like doing it because of how it makes them feel and how they react to what I am doing. When I have had sex with women, and there have been very few, I have done so to please them, but felt no physical pleasure myself.
Because I have never experienced sexual pleasure, even when I have masturbated, I have seen sex as wrong . . . for me. Because I do not experience pleasure, it doesn't feel right to participate, especially if I can't make the person giving to me happy the way I feel when I please others. Why would I want to let Debbie go down on me if I am not going to receive any pleasure from it? I guess I could because it would make her happy to do so, but it seems pointless.
For me to be able to get an erection I have to think myself erect. It is a matter of will rather than a matter of feeling and/or desiring, or expecting pleasure. When we last met with Margaret, she brought up that I may be depressed, and she also brought up Anhedonia. She also asked me about head injuries I had sustained in my past. I have been beaten more times than I can remember. Growing up, getting beat at school was a daily ocurrence. As an adult I have been attacked and beaten, to the point I passed out, or was knocked out, like when I was in school. I have suffered numerous head injuries, or blows to the head. And this is something Margaret wants to know more about in coming weeks.
I do not know if wanting or desiring sex is wrong or not. Debbie says that me wanting sex with her would make her feel more loved and desired by me. My ex-wife even told me that, for 28 years. Yet, I have felt it was wrong (for me) to want sex. It was from the day that my ex-wife asked me why I couldn't love her without having to have sex with her that I realized that wanting sex with her would be un-loving. It would mean that I didn't love her, if I wanted to have sex with her. My ex told me years later that she didn't intend for me to take what she had said the way I did. And to this day she regrets ever asking me that.
I can say that when I do and/or have had sex with my ex that it is enjoyable, but not on a physical level. It is enjoyable because we have known each other since we were 18 and 19, when we got married. Sex with my ex is enjoyable because it is comfortable, not because it is pleasurable.
I took some time off yesterday so that I could spend some time with my ex-wife. We were alone, we made out, we had intercourse and the connection, on a mental level, felt good. My ex-wife said the sex with me was better than she remembered it being the last time she and I played. I do very much enjoy deep kissing with my ex-wife. She was always good at deep kissing. Debbie? Not so much.
I have to admit that lying in bed with my ex felt good. It is something that my ex and I rarely did when we were married, especially since we, more often than not, had separate bedrooms. And after she asked me that one question, we never shared a bed from that time on, while we were married. My ex and I have been divorced for 11 years now. And in these last 11 years, she and I have enjoyed the closeness we've had while being sexual with each other. I see this same thing with Debbie and Davison now.
Is sex wrong? No, not for other people. For me? I often feel it is. And that is why I am glad that Debbie has Davison and Scott and Tom and Roy, and others, for her sexual pleasure and fulfillment. I want Debbie to enjoy sex. And yes, I would love to be able to experience sexual pleasure like other people do, but I can't. If I could have one wish and have it come true, it would be to have the ability to experience pleasure like other people do, especially with Debbie.