Minxxa's Little Corner of the World

Mags, you are right. I should be able to just stretch a little bit as needed. I have a lot on my plate and sometimes I just get so overwhelmed in my head.. that I feel like I can't take a moment out. And that's not really true. :)

Yesterday I had a "bed day". Slept in, got up and ate, and spent the day in my jammies in bed. Watched some videos, did some research, a little reading. It was lovely. I did do laundry and get that all put away and hung up, so I wasn't completely lazy, but mostly. :) Saturday was all about the errands and getting stuff done, and I think I was still a bit tired and jet-lagged from the vacation and flights and stuff. The rest did me good, though.

Got to skype with hubs on Saturday, it was nice. Short, though, we started way too late and he was sleepy, LOL. Talked about a lot of stuff, caught up and just hung out a little.

It's been an interesting week polywise. Not sure where anything's going right now some bumps in the road came up. I'll leave it at that, as I'm not making any assumptions and we'll see what happens next. Sounds mysterious, but not really, I just again don't like to post too much about someone else, I feel like it's rude. :)

Next week is Pride week in San Diego. Going out with the girls on Friday, and then doing the Parade and festival on Saturday. Taking my daughter, as she loves the parade, so that should be interesting...

Other than that, just a week of work/school. Have to study tonight I have a quiz tomorrow. :-(
 
I'm having a heavy anxiety day/night. :-(

I don't like getting stressed out about a relationship I'm not even in and that I don't have any control over.
 
Still anxious, but it's getting a little bit better. Just takes time I guess. I'm pretty much staying out of hubs' relationship from now on. We talked last night and I think he has a handle on things, but for various reasons I can't talk about, I can't be involved with this person at all anymore. Too many issues directly related to a lot of old family shite from my past. I think that's where the anxiety was coming from.

I actually had a pretty good childhood myself (aside from moving constantly and no good daddy role models) ... but my mom's side of the family is rife with personality disorders and brain chemistry issues. Which basically means she was raised and surrounded by narcissists, antisocial personality disordered people and bipolar people. Makes for a pretty dramatic, crazy, horrible way to grow up. And she never really understood why they'd do the things they'd do with her-- she's pretty logical and like me tends to think "if only I do x maybe they won't turn on me". :-( It wasn't until I started learning a lot about this stuff in school that I made the connections and I have talked to her about it a lot, hoping to help her understand it had NOTHING to do with her. She was just there, and therefore a target. Because it was family she didn't cut them out of her life. I wished I knew then what I know now because I would have done it for her.

I had my own experiences with people with PDs since then... one of my girlfriends for several years was most definitely histrionic, and my old boss from hell was the biggest narcissistic asshat I've ever met. I tended to be the way my mom was for a while "if I just do x, they'll not yell, scream, turn on me". But I realized very quickly it wasn't me, it was them and nothing I did would be good enough to evade the drama, or yelling (that would be my boss), etc.

Anyway, seeing how brutalized my mom has been by people who were just not well at all, and dealing with those types of people myself ... I've kind of made a rule to only have people in my life that are down to earth, no drama, no trouble, you can count on them type of people. I cut all of the rest of them completely out, like a tumor. Mind you, we're all a little nutty in our own ways, and we ALL have issues of various types, LOL, but these are people that NEVER bring craziness to my life. I didn't realize how much peace I gained from that until recently.

Time to step back from things and just focus on myself for a while.
 
So anxiety is a little better. It's not 24/7 now... I get a few hours each day when it's gone, but having nightmares every night, not sleeping well, and wake up each morning with my stomach and abs clenched so tight it hurts. I just hope it keeps getting better.

Got to talk to hubs for about 15 minutes last night which was nice, especially since we won't get a chance to talk or anything until next week now since he and the GF are going away for the weekend. I've got plans, too, it's Pride in San Diego, so going out Friday with the girls and Saturday to the festival, so it's not like I'm sitting at home.

Really though, right now, I just feel more and more disconnected with him every day. When I think about him right now, it's about him and her as a "them" since now her kids are gone for the summer they're basically together, talking, texting, calling all of the time. I don't feel like there's any room for me in there. And because of the situation, thinking about "them" causes me instant anxiety, so I try not to, which causes me to not want to think about him either. We have no time to ourselves anymore. We do have a date to Skype on Monday night, but it just seems like our communication is getting further and further apart and for shorter and shorter amounts of time. I'm lucky to get an hour once a week on skype (now that's stretching out longer), and I'm lucky to get a 15-30 min phone call once a week. A few texts here and there... it's not enough to keep me feeling close.

I still think a lot of this is because we had just barely gotten back to feeling like a couple in February/March of this year (after he was gone, so long distance), and we got a whole 6 weeks of that before he started this new relationship which is now taking all of his time. I just don't feel like I belong in his life. I feel like his life is there now, and I'm just a visitor and the person that takes care of the house and forgets to water the plants.

A lot of this is just venting. I'm hoping it will pass. But I'm not sure how that's going to happen without SOME type of acknowledgement on his part. I've said things and he says he loves me so much and he thinks of me often and I get that. But when I hardly hear from him it just doesn't come across in actions, you know? I'm a very physical/quality time type of person, and the less time someone spends with me or on me, the less I feel loved.

He keeps saying hopefully we'll be more in sync when he gets home, and I get that. But that's 5- 6 weeks away. I'm not sure if there will be any connection left by the time he gets here.
 
It sucks he doesnt communicate more often. When my gf and I can't be together, we chat online every day, usually for at least a couple hours. And she only lives 22 miles away and we spend at least 2 days a week together!
 
Yeah Mags, it kind of sucks. Part of it is my schedule, too... I go to school two nights a week, so no time to talk, and we have a 3 hour time difference, so by 7pm he's in bed, so that cuts down on time as well, since it has to be between when I get home from work and then.

And honestly, part of the problem is he only really can handle SO much talking/texting/phoning... and his GF does a LOT of it. So it feels like he thinks he's been talking to us both all day, And he has... except only 3 or 4 of those texts were with me. I actually pointed that out to him a few weeks back and he realized it, and it stepped up a little, but with this latest situation, he's reverted since she's the needier one.

I have to admit I'm feeling REALLY ungiving and selfish right now. At this point I just want this 5 weeks to be done with and have him home. I want to erase the memory of this woman out of my life. I feel like his relationship with her came at a horrible time for us, and has set us back in our rediscovery of each other, opened up old wounds that hadn't healed, and has asked more of me than I think I have in me because of years of giving and giving and only a few weeks of getting. Totally selfish I know, and I'm probably just in a bad place right this second, but I don't know how to get out of it by myself without feeling alone, lonely and left behind.
 
I actually pointed that out to him a few weeks back and he realized it, and it stepped up a little, but with this latest situation, he's reverted since she's the needier one.

Bull Shit! Your last couple posts says that you are just as needy, she is just in his face about it. You guys have a serious communication issue - I speak from experience :rolleyes:. The phone calls don't need to be hours on end, but they do need to be made, even if it's just to say "How was your day? Good Night, I love you!" Ask him to also call you in the morning, give you a wake up call or something. Let's face it doesn't cost a fortune just to make one long distance call anymore.

What do you need from him to make you feel loved? Tell him and keep telling him. If it something he has neglected to do for a while, it will take time for him to get back in the habit. I have found it extremely helpful to SPEAK UP, "when you don't call me, I feel ..." or something of the sort. The trick is to not be accusatory, but let him know how specific actions/words affect you and what he can do to ease your pain/fears in the future.
 
Bull Shit! Your last couple posts says that you are just as needy, she is just in his face about it. You guys have a serious communication issue - I speak from experience :rolleyes:. The phone calls don't need to be hours on end, but they do need to be made, even if it's just to say "How was your day? Good Night, I love you!" Ask him to also call you in the morning, give you a wake up call or something. Let's face it doesn't cost a fortune just to make one long distance call anymore.

What do you need from him to make you feel loved? Tell him and keep telling him. If it something he has neglected to do for a while, it will take time for him to get back in the habit. I have found it extremely helpful to SPEAK UP, "when you don't call me, I feel ..." or something of the sort. The trick is to not be accusatory, but let him know how specific actions/words affect you and what he can do to ease your pain/fears in the future.

I know you are right, I do need to speak up. Again. It just feels like that's all I've been doing the past couple of months is trying to get something more established and it lasts a couple weeks and then she loses it and he's focused on that and I have to then remind him yet again. Plus right now I have so much anger and bitterness about the fact that I keep having to remind him to pay attention to me, that a conversation wouldn't be productive. I'm trying to get myself into a little more balanced space so I can communicate clearly without breaking down crying, but I'm not there yet. And conversations when I'm like this are not productive, and sometimes destructive and I don't want to go there at all.

He was texting me each morning, and he still does, but now it's a one liner, it used to be a few lines. Most nights he texts good night unless he's with her for the evening, sometimes he calls, but usually it's 3-4 minutes and he's yawning during the entire call. When we skyped on Saturday, it ended up being too late his time, so the entire time he's yawning and tired, and we did talk for an hour, but it was really... disconnected. I felt the whole time like he wasn't really fully there and was tired and needed to go to bed.

So maybe that's just it, it's not just the amount of communication, it's the quality of it. It all feels so disconnected. And I'm not sure how to get that connection back at all.

I'm going to give it a few days, over this weekend and then I can see where I am and maybe be more pulled together enough to talk to him about it.

And trust me I'm not as needy as she is. I need him a lot right now, but my issues are between him and I and about our relationship, hers are a much bigger and complex can of worms.
 
Like I said, speak up. "Honey, when you wait to call me until you are so tired you can't even see straight, it triggers my insecurities that I no longer matter to you. I need you to make time to give me your undivided attention ___ times a week. Let me know what schedule you come up with and I will also clear my calendar."

Start calling and actually talking to each other instead of relying on a text. Texting is fine for some things, but an actuall "Good Morning" phone call is better. Texting is a bit lazy and emotions get lost. Maybe you call one day, then ask him to call the next and go back and forth (tell him to set his alarm so he will remember - your habit building:p).

As far as her "complex can of worms", that's no excuse for him to ignore and neglect his existing commitments and responsibilities. I get highly suspicious when the g/f's drama escalates as your husband is trying to make more of an effort to connect with you. I've seen this (not necessarily poly related) more times than I would wish. I also see men with independent wives gravitate toward others who are much more needy, because it makes them feel like the hero (story of my married life). The problem is that they tend to loose themselves in "being needed" and they will neglect other responsibilities.
 
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LOL, yes counseling will indeed be on the menu after his return. :)

So, I did decide you were right, and I do need to talk to him, so I did bring it up... in text, LOL... because we won't get a chance to talk in person until Monday and I thought I should at least start the thought process about how we can touch base more often and why I need it.

Long story, short... hubs is completely stressed out right now with life in general. Work for various reasons, and then the GF, me, and apparently his daughter and mom are both making some kind of demands or having issues, I'm not sure which we didn't get into it. So basically all of the distance, and not communicating as much and feeling disconnected was because he is on the brink of losing it and was pulling back and retreating for his own personal sanity. He's feeling like he can't make anyone happy, let alone anyone, and he's not happy and doesn't know what to do about that. :-/

Of course it all comes back to communication-- had I KNOWN that, I would have seen where the feelings I have are coming from, I would have understood that it has not much to do with me and I could have more productively gotten some more fun good communication here and there and understood the times he needs to himself.

Basically four little sentences in text and I had the info I needed. We didn't get a chance to talk about the communication part because he had a work situation he had to deal with, but I will at some point talk to him about it. He tends to keep his feelings inside and "deal" with them, and think he doesn't want to spill it on everyone else, but like everybody else who does that the spillage occurs anyway and it's usually not pretty. Like most things, changing this will take time and hopefully someone else to talk with about handling stress and emotions more productively. AND seeing me as a partner to help him through hard times and stress, instead of feeling he'd be dumping it on me, or keeping it from me until I end up becoming part of the problem.

Anyway, I feel better, he probably doesn't though. But at least I now have enough information so that I can move forward and chill out a little bit and come back down to earth. Hopefully we'll have a nice Skype chat on Monday.
 
Of course it all comes back to communication-- had I KNOWN that, I would have seen where the feelings I have are coming from, I would have understood that it has not much to do with me and I could have more productively gotten some more fun good communication here and there and understood the times he needs to himself.

Completely know how you feel here. "Just clue me in" is my broken record :p. Now you can ask him what you can do to help him or send him little loving texts that he doesn't need to respond to, but might lighten his heart a little during the day.
 
Completely know how you feel here. "Just clue me in" is my broken record :p. Now you can ask him what you can do to help him or send him little loving texts that he doesn't need to respond to, but might lighten his heart a little during the day.

That would be the plan. :)
 
So things are going okay. I still have physical feelings of anxiety about 80% of my day, but it's to a little lesser degree I guess? Since hubs and his GF are pretty much spending all of their time together right now, I guess this is the opportunity to just get thrown into it and accept it and let it go. In that regard I'm trying to keep myself busy, mostly with fun stuff, but also with some good stress reduction stuff like Yoga, and keeping up with my schoolwork, so I don't stress on school.

Tonight is girls' night for Pride, and tomorrow's the festival, so that should be fun, but TIRING, LOL. I haven't really slept well in a few weeks, so I'm starting to feel it a bit more. The plan is to come home at a reasonable hour on Saturday (Margaret Cho is performing, so after that I'll go home), and get some rest and sleep in on Sunday. I don't have any plans for sunday except to do yoga at 6:30, so my goal is to do laundry, lay around and recharge, hang with the boychild and relax for the week.

On another front, one of the guys that I met through OKCupid called yesterday to see if I could go out for drinks. I had school, though, but we're going to try to meet up this week or weekend. And I started a conversation with another guy who seems really nice and seems to have a good sense of humor so we'll see how that goes.

For now I just keep breathing, just keep moving, keep doing things. I'm waiting for the time when I just can BE without thinking all of the time. I told hubs yesterday I felt a little like I was losing him, or he was losing me or something was being lost. I do feel like that, but maybe that loss is the enmeshed attachment I've had with him. Maybe that's what it feels like when you pull yourself out of someone else and back into your own body. Maybe that's the painful piece of becoming whole again on your own. So maybe it's not a bad thing. Just hurts a bit.

Like everything else, I wish it would happen faster. :)
 
So I survived the weekend, LOL. :)

Actually it was a very nice weekend. Had a GREAT time out with the girls for Pride. We started at one bar, and then edged our way to another down the street and danced for hours. Then it got super duper crowded so we old broads jumped ship! :) Walked back to the car... so about 2 miles walking and 3 hours dancing in the big girl shoes... ouch! Fun though...

Saturday I slept in and was lazy for a bit. Decided not to go to the parade, since my daughter was working anyway, lazed about, showered and did a cursory cleaning of the house cuz it was messy and driving me nuts! Felt much better, relaxed a bit, and then when my daughter got home we went to the festival. Ate some food, hung with my girls, sat in the grass and watched everyone, saw some drag queens/kings perform, and then watched Margaret Cho. Totally cool and fun, got home by 10, and was in my jammies by 10:03. :)

Sunday I got up fairly early.. went and did groceries and laundry and then relaxed all day until yoga at 6:30.

Hubs texted in the a.m. on Sunday (he'd had his phone turned off since Friday), so that was sweet. I texted with him this morning, apparently the two days at the beach helped him a lot, he's much more relaxed and sounds happy, so that's really great and nice! We're having a Skype date tonight, which will be nice, since we've not gotten to talk much in over a week.

I'm getting used to not hearing from him as much. I'm getting used to not thinking about what he's up to as much. I was right in that since I figure they're always together, it gets really old really fast to think about it at all. Still do sometimes, old habits, but it's definitely getting easier to distract and work on other things. Having a potential date (or two) in the future to think thoughts about helps immensely! :)

I feel like I'm coming out of the painful part of getting myself as an individual back, at least the majority of it. I feel separate from him, but in a good way. I feel like the un-meshing is definitely coming along. I still have moments of anxiety and emotions, but they pass quicker and aren't as deep and heavy. In a way, I was kind of grieving the loss of something... something that needed to go away, but something that FELT like safety to me (though it wasn't really).

Still, it's all been a good experience in the end. There is still much work to do on myself, AND on us as a couple. Step one after he gets into one on one counseling is we need to go to a couples counselor and get our communication in order. And we need to get some good US bonding time going on, which I think we'll do for sure. But I'm not letting that get away from us again like it did before.

And, if I end up dating, that will be a whole new situation as he's never had to deal with that at all. So... adventures to continue. :)

Oh, and I was looking back over my journal... and I think I was really just venting here all of the frustrations and things I didn't feel I could vent to hubs. Probably better it came out here, it needed to come out SOMEWHERE... but most of it was just heat of the moment, helplessness confusion.
 
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Had a REALLY nice chat with hubs tonight. :)

We are good. I am good. He was much better after the weekend at the beach... a little rejuvenation!

We talked a lot about planning a vacation for when he gets home. i think we're going to take a cruise, which will be nice... time to reconnect and hang out and no responsibilities.

Overall it was a really nice time... we got to reconnect a little. I told him about my little journey to become my independent self-- which is going really well. We also talked about me not overloading him with my silliness anymore. I have a counselor and friends... unless we have something to discuss and deal with he doesn't have to hear every stray thought I have. And... we also talked about going to couples counseling after he gets back. I think we're mostly on the same track now, which is nice.

We didn't really talk about him and his GF. I told him I'm really OK with it now, I'm past whatever BS I had about it... so possibly in the future, but if not, i'm good with that too.

So yay! :)
 
A good week mostly, though I have some wierd summer cold? Mostly it's just a cough... I've had it since I got back from D.C. on and off. I think it has something to do with the weather changes because I've been going back and forth from 60 in my office to high 90s/100 at home for two weeks. Ick. The cough has been there, and then gone... mostly just like dry throat feeling... and then yesterday blyeah... feel ICKY.

Anyway, was going to go to yoga tonight, but no way that will work. Instead, picking up a couple of movies and heading home. Going to take a nice long shower, put on comfy clothes and curl up on the couch and watch a movie or two with the kids and hopefully go to bed EARLY. :) Drink some ginger tea, take some vitamin C and sleep.

I had a date on Wednesday. I didn't say anything ahead of time because I just wanted to see where it would go. It was OK. We seemed to hit it off, but then there just wasn't any chemistry there "romantically". I most likely rushed into it thinking what the heck and take a chance-- but it just didn't pan out like I would have liked. That's okay though, I learned a few things about myself-- one of which is I need to stop "trying" to get something going and just be open to it and get out of the house more. I need to meet people in person and see if there's chemistry, or not, or not focus on it but just be aware and open to it. Lesson learned. :) I think I was just eager to meet someone because I'm a bit lonely, have time on my hands and -- to be honest-- am tired of going months without sex. :-(

Anywho.. I'm just gonna have to deal with that, and let things happen a bit more naturally. But... that does require I get out of the house, LOL, I'm not gonna meet anybody new there! I'll work on it...

For now, this weekend I'm gonna focus on getting healthy and doing some homework as next week is my last week in this class. Yay! :) Then, I only really have 3-4 weeks until hubs gets home, so much to do!

We got to chat on the phone a bit before my class yesterday which went well. I told him about the date, he told me how it went for him... good stuff really. Mostly I think we both realized how much we love each other and need to reinforce that thought out loud a LOT more often, something that has been the overwhelming message taken away from this deployment. I think we are so much stronger than we were as a couple, and getting stronger independently as well. All good stuff.

Talked a little about the GF, went well. Offered some advice when asked, and am mostly pretty even-keeled about the whole thing. I try to be supportive when asked and non-intrusive the rest of the time. Hopefully I'm mostly successful! :) As I've been told here before, it's not my relationship. True that.

Okay, thank goodness it's friday. Another hour or so and I can run.
 
So missing hubs a lot today. It's been a quiet (for the most part) weekend at home, doing homework and reading and hanging with the kids, so not as much to distract me I suppose! We've texted here and there this weekend, but he's been much more out of touch on the weekends he spends with the GF. I'm trying to give them the space to work on the stuff they need to, but just feeling lonely today. I know i'll get through it just fine... going to run to the bookstore with the kids in a minute, and then I have yoga tonight and then start the week over again!

And tomorrow hubs and I have a skype date, so that will be nice. I think, though, I might have to talk to him about maybe getting a bit more contact in throughout the week. Maybe at least one phone call a week in addition to the skype date, and maybe a little more texting. I don't need much more... but a little would be nice.
 
So hubs called this afternoon and we got to chat for 15 minutes or so. I did mention needing to hear his voice a "bit" more often and he agreed. But then I got a bit miffy at him. :-( Sigh... not bad and we recovered quick, but I felt bad later, so I apologized and sent him a boobie pic. :)

I know what the problem is, I just haven't figured out how to accept it and work it out in my head so that I'm good with it. Basically, I feel like he has all of these women who need him-- his daughter, obviously, needs him a LOT right now, his GF-- same thing, she's working on some serious issues and he's her only support, and his mom... well she THINKS she needs him, or at least more regular communication with him... and then there's me. So he gets all of these demands and neediness from all sides, and it gets to be too much. He needs to have moments of peace in his life, too... quiet times to just be to recharge himself.

And right now, I am the least needy, and the strongest one of the group. And also the only one who seems to be able to take a step back and give him that space that he needs. And part of me is good with that because I know I AM strong enough to take care of myself, I have my own issues but I know how to deal with them and am taking care of the things that need to be taken care of. But part of me sometimes just gets whiny and wonders why I always have to be the one to suck it up and take care of myself, so that he has the energy and time to spend on other people?

It is VERY petty, and usually just comes when I'm down and feeling lonely and it feels like I am not getting my needs met so that others can get theirs met and it feels unfair and I want to stomp my feet and complain. LOL... but the responsible, strong part of me knows it just has to be this way right now and that's how it is.

Generally I just have to stop and think about the others' in his life and realize that they really DO need him more right now. That while he seems to be their rock, I am HIS rock, and the one that he comes to for support and help when he needs it.

Mostly I do just want to figure out a way to be okay with it better... knowing that it's not permanent, knowing that he's coming home in a month or so and i will get to FINALLY have him close and here for me, and get all the love and snuggles and stuff I can handle. It's been over two years since I really had that...
 
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