Update on the Elephant House
It’s been a while, and I don’t want anyone here to think I’ve just stayed “stuck” all this time, so here’s an update on the situation on the ground at my house.
There is no poly-friendly counselor available where I live. I could see an individual counselor, but I really want to deal with this in a way that opens my heart to more love, more openness, more possibilities, and mental health professionals are just not trained, traditionally, to think in polyamorous terms. So I’ve decided to study up on the matter myself, and apply what I already know and the skills I already have, and see if I can’t find my way through this maze. If I can-- great! If I can’t... well, there are always those nice young men in their clean white coats who can come and take me away, haha, hehe, hoho!
The elephant is still living in our house. It pretty much follows Hubby from room to room, occasionally waving flags and blowing whistles, but Hubby refuses to have a look. This gives me plenty of time to think and study.
Since the last time I wrote, my beloved, precious Hubby has more or less fallen all over himself to demonstrate how much he loves me. While I was away from home (taking care of some stuff for his mom) he sent me two dozen red roses, then the next week he sent me a huge package of love notes I’ve saved over the years. He called me every day, five or six times a day. Now that I’m home, he brings me coffee in bed, which he knows I love. He does a million little things to show me he loves me, that I am important to him, that he cares. I am convinced. He loves me. Good thing, too, because I’m over the moon about him. He is the love of my life, and I know I am his.
But he will not talk about what happened.
I, on the other hand, have not been standing still. I’ve been studying up, thinking hard about a lot of things, taking a long look at the baggage in my closets, and I’ve reached a few conclusions.
I’m not ready to trust Star with my heart on that level. I still love her, of course. She’s still my bff and I would trust her on many, many levels, but not that one. I’ve seen her behave like a bull in a china closet with other people’s hearts, and I’m not ready to hand her mine again. Maybe someday, but not now. I may be once bitten/twice shy, but there it is.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that Hubby’s not ready to go poly. Specifically, he’s not ready for the level of communication, care and ongoing relational involvement that poly requires.
Also, he can’t pay sufficient attention to me when other people are involved, polyamorous or not. Let me give you one example and I think you’ll see what I mean. We had some friends over to swim in our new pool, a guy and a girl. Good music, good friends, nice day. Everyone’s having a good time, etc.
Hubby’s going into the house and asks if he can get anyone anything. Joe wants a beer, Jill wants water and I’ll have a Diet Coke, thanks. He comes back with the beer and the water, but forgets the Coke. No biggie. It’s not that important. I let it slide.
A while later, Hubby’s going in again, and wants to know who wants what. Joe will take another beer, thanks. Jill wonders if there are any chips and salsa left. And I’d like a Coke, thanks. At that moment, he says, “Oh yeah! Your Coke!”
The beer and the chips and salsa make it outside. No Coke, though.
I don’t want to make a big deal, but I’m thirsty, and I know he’s not going to remember the Coke. So I get out of the pool and go in. When Hubby sees me coming out of the house with the Coke, at that moment he remembers it, and he gets all bent out of shape. I know he’s ticked with himself for forgetting it twice, but there’s no point in getting worked up about it. And there’s certainly no point in sniping at me about it!
Please! Either do it or don’t, but don’t say one thing and do another! I hate that! (which of course, just plays into the issues opened up in the OP, and here we go... Let the wailing and gnashing of teeth begin.)
This is just one recent example. When we’re alone, I am the queen of his world, his true love, his heart’s desire. My wish is his command. When we’re with other people, not so much. And I really don’t think it would bother me much, except that it’s pretty consistent behavior and it shows that I just fall off his radar screen. In terms of just our dyad, I can deal with it. It’s an irritant, but ultimately it’s just one thing and nobody bats 1.000. God knows I have plenty of flaws he has to deal with. But do I want to introduce the complications and emotions that come with romance, relationships and NRE? Thanks, I’ll pass. In fact, to quote Whitney Houston, “HELL to the NO!”
This is one of the issues we will have to address if we’re going to continue moving toward a poly life. I am a strong Alpha female; there’s no way on God’s green earth I could tolerate being overlooked that way in favor of another love interest. Period, end of story. And of course there are the issues brought up in the OP still to be dealt with, none of which we are talking about.
So that’s where we are now. I feel like I’ve been learning and growing all this time, thanks to some serious research, study, and soul-searching, and also thanks in no small part to all you wonderful, wise, witty people here at the forum.
So when he’s ready to talk about the elephant, I’m ready. But if a poly life is what he really wants, someday he’s going to have to deal with the elephant.