text messaging

Very often, P sends me cute or nice messages by cell phone. Later he forgets he did it and shows me the same message on his phone, saying, "Look what L sent me," or "L sent me this message and I thought it was sweet, so I sent it to you."

Is it silly to feel bad when finding out that an interaction I had with P was simply an interaction L had with P before me? Weird question, I know.

I am most likely overreacting. I've talked to him about this. I just get this initial feeling of "special," and him thinking of me, only to then be told it was just a message L sent to him. Also, it bugs the hell out of me when we receive the same text messages from P. I don't know why. Maybe I'm being ridiculous.
 
It would bug me too, if it were the only text messages I was receiving from him. I wouldn't want to feel like my communications with my guy were just recycled from someone else. It's ok sometimes to send the same message to multiple people, but really, I don't think personal/romantic/sweet messages are the types of things that you "cc" people on.

If it were me, I'd mention it.
 
If I send a forward to both my men, I have also sent it (most likely) on to my sister (cute, lovey-dovey, friendly-type things).

OR it was intended to be a message that would be helpful to our V relationship.

If I'm sending a message that is "I love you and you mean so much to me," then EVEN if I have the same BASIC feeling for both, I will actually send two messages, because they EACH need to know I love them INDIVIDUALLY.

I don't think it's "rude" for him to share with you a loving cute forward that he received, regardless of who he received it from. In a way, while I do understand why it might bug you, I think it's sort of endearing that he thinks of you when he receives these messages from her.

I think that it's also VERY important that he remember to send you messages he writes himself that are for you individually. BUT I also think it will be helpful if you don't ask things that you might not want to know the answer to.

Example: my husband doesn't want to know if I got a sexy, sweet, loving message from my BF, that I then forwarded to him, so he doesn't ask WHERE I got it. He focuses on the fact that it made me think of him and I sent it to him. I'm also smart enough to be sure that there isn't anything notated in it that would suggest WHERE it came from, regardless of who sent it to me.

He knows I have a boyfriend (we all live together) and he knows we are intimate and we have a boundary list. But he's not comfortable with hearing or seeing the details of our sexuality. That's okay. He's not bi, nor is bf, so there is no need for them to be TOGETHER in that, if they don't want to. But if he doesn't want to hear the answer, he can't ask questions that may have that for an answer either, because then he puts me in a bind. Our relationship needs to be built on honesty and truth, but also on respect of needs/feelings. Putting me in a position to have to choose WHICH (truth or respect of his need to not hear about it) by ASKING a question that would require either a lie, or for him to hear about what he doesn't want to hear about, would be him setting me up in a very unfair way.
 
Yeah, I've thought of mentioning it, but I have a feeling he'll think its juvenile that I get jealous over something stupid like this. I sort of do, anyhow.

The perfect way to explain this is that they are "recycled" text messages.

I am all over the place when it comes to posting, because I am super ADD and write free-association style, so I'm glad what I meant could be understood properly.
 
Example: my husband doesn't want to know if I got a sexy, sweet, loving message from my BF that I then forwarded to him. So he doesn't ask WHERE I got it. He focuses on the fact that it made me think of him and I sent it to him. I'm also smart enough to be sure that there isn't anything notated in it that would suggest WHERE it came from-regardless of who sent it to me.

He KNOWS I have a boyfriend (we all live together) and he KNOWS we are intimate and we have a boundary list. But he's not comfortable with hearing or seeing the details of our sexuality-that's ok, he's not bi-(nor is bf) so there is no need for them to be TOGETHER in that if they don't want to. BUT if he doens't want to hear, he can't ask questions that may have that for an answer either... because then he puts me in a bind-our relationship needs to be built on honesty and truth, but also on respect of needs/feelings. Putting me in a position to have to choose WHICH (truth or respect of his need to not hear about it) by ASKING a question that would require either a lie-or him to hear about what he doesn't wnat to hear about, he's setting me up in a very unfair way...

Did that make sense?

Totally. I dont ask anything. Typically he forgets he's sent me something, then goes on to tell me about the message L sent him. I think to myself "Oh you sent me that."

I told my bf originally when introduced to polyamory that I wanted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, but within days realized I kinda wanted to know what my bf was doing with other people, even if it might make me feel a bit jealous. I tell him "I don't want to know about your hot sex, but everything else is okay."
 
My H and I have a sort of don't-ask-don't-tell policy. I don't date anyone who he doesn't know about, but I don't go into detail about dates, or what we do, or anything else. Right now, I'm actively looking for another partner, so I'll tell my H that I have a "meeting date" for drinks after work, but we don't discuss them. He'll ask me in a general way, "How did it go?" and I'll respond in a very general way. "Nice guy, but we prob won't go out again," or, "I liked him, we'll see," or whatever. But I don't go into detail.

Ok, all of that said, if I've sent something to my guy that makes me smile, I won't cc it to my H or send them both the same thing in the same email. I will write a separate email to each of them, even if it takes me a few more minutes to write two emails than to do just one.

I NEVER send affectionate messages to both of them in the same words. For me, anything affectionate or loving is about what *they* represent in my life, not something I can express to both of them in the same words.

Also, if my guy sends me something funny or sweet or cute or whatever, and I think my H would like it, I'll copy and paste it into a new email to him, rather than just forward it.

Maybe some people find that overly careful or overly paranoid, but given that my H is not involved in my relationships with others, I want to be as respectful of him as I can. I want to make sure that he's never put in a position to feel that he's playing second fiddle to whoever I'm dating (especially since we have a different sexual dynamic and so it would be easy for him to feel marginalized in other ways).

Obviously, as with everything, the disclaimer is that this is how I manage *my* relationships and how it all works for me/us.
 
Crisare,

That's a much more explicit way of explaining how I deal with my hubby too. I may send the same message, but not in a way that allows (or forces) him to see who it came from. I almost NEVER hit forward, like you were saying, for ANYTHING to anyone. I almost always copy/paste it and put it in a new email and send it on that way.

Also, I get what you are saying about saying it in a way it's meaningful in terms of the relationship you have with each of them. That is also true for me. The only major difference is that since we do live together, there are many issues (especially threads on here) that I will send to both of them together on purpose, so that they both will read it and the three of us can talk about it. Because while we do not all 3 share a sexual relationship, we do all live together and raise our family together, so many day to day lives are pertinent to all three of us.
 
I get what you are saying about saying it in a way it's meaningful in terms of the relationship you have with each of them. That is also true for me. The only major difference is that since we do live together, there are many issues (especially threads on here) that I will send to both of them together on purpose so that they both will read it and the three of us can talk about it. Because while we do not all 3 share a sexual relationship, we do all live together and raise our family together, so many day to day lives are pertinent to all three of us.
Oh yeah. I think if I were ever in a situation where 3 (or more) of us lived together, or if I had a bf who was single and able to be more involved in my life (which might happen in the future, who knows?), I can see situations were 3-way emails would be much more appropriate and useful.
 
very often P sends me cute or nice messages by cell phone. later he forgets hes done it and shows me the same message on his phone saying look what L sent me! or L sent me this message and i thought it was sweet so i sent it to you.

is it silly to feel bad when finding out that an interaction i had with P was simply an interaction L had with P before me? wierd question I know.

I am most likely over reacting, and I talked to him about this but i might be silly. I just get this initiall feeling of "special" and him thinking of me. only to then be told it was just a message L sent to him. also it bugs the hell out of me when we recieve the same text messages from P. i dont know why. maybe im being ridiculous.

Hi Glow,

Well, it seems there might be a couple ways you could interpret this and that will be your CHOICE.

One thing it seems to illustrate though, is that he's thinking of YOU. The message, regardless of the source, triggered thoughts of you in his mind. You can CHOOSE to view that as a positive thing. So maybe that initial "feeling" is not invalid. Trust your gut. I suspect this type of situation would have quite a variety of reactions among different people.

A second point, and one I'd kind of watch out for, is that it may be his way of dropping a hint. I don't know how much you might drop him a quick little affectionate message, or forward something cute, but this may be his (slightly immature) way of telling you he wishes you did more. This could put undue pressure on you to reshape your personality in ways that are just not natural to you. Some of this can be good; we all evolve over time. Some can be viewed as manipulation.

I wouldn't necessarily attach any special significance to this, but just use it as one of those "hmm... interesting" moments and really try to see if it has any hidden implications. It may be nothing more than an extension of his personality and communication skills. Sometimes we speak/act out of the best intentions, without a lot of analysis of the bigger-picture outcome. That improves with practice and communication.

GS
 
GS, thanks for the wise advice. i do send him affectionate messages. sometimes I wonder if, too often, I have let up a bit because I don't want to be too clingy, as it is a major turn off. I am not too distraught over this, at all. it's really just a learning experience. I'm thankful to have you all share your experiences in this area with me, as well.
 
When it comes to text messages, if I send something to both of my beloveds I make sure that the wording is such that they both know that. So, instead of saying "I love you" I will say "I love you both". That way nothing is hidden. I also send individual messages too.

As for the "should I get upset about this?" question - if you are upset, then yes, you should get upset! It's not a question of what should upset you - if something upsets you, then it upsets you, and it should be talked about, treated with respect and worked on as a team. You have a right to feel the way you do about other people's actions. Own that.
 
What worries me more is that you would think your feelings were over-the-top, ridiculous and silly. No one's feelings are as such. Your reaction is completely valid. If you are feeling something, it is for a good reason, as it is your guts' reaction to something and shouldn't be overlooked.

Is this a big deal? Well, he hasn't been very tactful, in my opinion, but it isn't the end of the world, either. I would suggest you tell him so, and ask him to be a little more cognizant of your feelings about knowing where the inspiration for thinking of you came from, in order to make you feel a bit more special.

I personally don't let on where my inspiration comes from when I talk to both my guys. They are both so different.

My husband hardly ever calls or texts during the day, and when he does, it's more about not forgetting to pick up cat litter or something. I take it as it comes, and sometimes add a jokey little thing to my answer, as does he.

Mono, on the other hand, texts me incessantly during all hours of the day. I love that, as he sends me all kinds of crazy stuff, from pictures, to links, to jokes. My job is boring most of the time, so the distraction is appreciated. He knows that if I don't return a text, it's because I'm busy and will check in later.

Sometimes I send stuff on to my husband and he has no idea that I got it from Mono. All he knows is that I thought of him enjoying it when I sent it.

Come to think of it, most of our daily communication is through our phones.
 
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