Derbylicious
New member
Glad you had a good day today. And you are smart, it isn't just Leo who thinks so.
Sometimes people just fit together in a way that doesn't make any logical sense. There isn't any walking away from something like that. The both of you NEED each other, in the present tense.
Right now there isn't anyone out there who is worth the risk of losing what you and Mono have. Maybe there never will be. Maybe if there is his boundaries will change. Your lives are both richer for having been shared with each other. If you had just walked away you would have spent the rest of your life wondering about what might have been.
Holy crap you have a smart girlfriend RP!!
Thanks Derby
If I am reading this right, there isn't anyone else in the picture yet right? Why worry about something that may never happen. Toss out logic and concern, and live and enjoy what you have now. Don't look for bumps int he road you haven't hit yet
Unless I am reading this wrong of course
From what I observed, Mono has come to terms with your closed polyamory tribe (for want of a better label), but not the concept that, for you, polyamory means freedom of the heart to be continuously open. Is that right?
.
I am not asking him to change either, but I fear that I will have to leave him one day, or force change.
I am relieved to hear that. I feel the same.Letting go of the fear that I will disappear entirely, or wither and die, might help in this, Lilo. All of us have to be healthy. All of us have already survived a tonne of life experiences. Our hearts will persevere and our connection will remain, no matter what the future holds. I have complete faith in our life commitment to support each other, in whatever way allows us to be free and healthy as a family.
I am relieved to hear that. I feel the same.
Thanks for writing, Eklectc. I always enjoy your posts and your seemingly endless ability to have compersion, even though you yourself are going through your own struggles. I admire that in a person greatly.live in the present and drop the 'what ifs' (they are to be pondered but not obsessed about); do ponder the advantages/disadvantages of talking to PN about the sex thing (if you are seeking to change something, speak up. If not, let it be). I'm also glad you are in a better place with the Leo situation. Go ahead and be his trophy for a bit. *hugs*
Thanks, Sage. It seems that Mono agrees that we can get through whatever comes up, if we love each other and have the will to be together. We have committed to being a family, in whatever way that means, I think, and will adjust if we put our hearts and minds to it.You both worry that it might not remain sexual, right? Surely, if the sexuality goes for one, and not the other, that is something that, in a committed relationship, can be worked through.
These kinds of things are a positive for me in poly/mono relationships, because they force us to push through comfort zones that may never otherwise be challenged. "Love hurts." Kids get hurt when they go to school or play sports, but we would never suggest that we keep them locked up to prevent it.
I agree with the others. Enjoy the wonderful present you've created for yourselves and have faith that the future "yous" will be eminently capable of handling whatever comes up. So, you may hurt each other a bit in the process. Allowing hurt and loving each other through it is just part of the process.
I see some stuff here. Bear with me.
- The mono is invested in the relationship in more of a secondary way. Therefore, the poly can be free to love whom they chose, whenever they chose, as long as the people are not loved more than the mono.
- The mono loves the poly and expects that they stay with the loves they have, and be in a poly-fi situation for the stability and healthiness of their involvement in it. The poly agrees to this, until such time as it is not healthy for them.
- The mono desires certain aspects of mono life to be fulfilled in a mono way only, and expects/desires that the poly fulfil the requirements they have. The poly either agrees or disagrees with the arrangement, depending on how much they are willing to sacrifice to be healthy and maintain the relationship to any kind of length and depth.
Thoughts? Additions?
I agree that if the sex goes, our love won't. At least, I can speak for myself on that. We are the best of friends also and share more than anyone else knows. We don't hold back on anything and that, to me, means that what we have can be sustained.
Thank you.
I forgot the mono in a relationship with someone who has a primary! How could I forget? *hand slapped into my forehead*Not necessarily. I expect you to love your husband more than me..or at least recognize the greater impact on your life that he has and therefore priotitize accordingly. I embrace and enjoy that. I see it as a sign of a committed partner and mother.
Just so you know this part wasn't about you Mono, it is part of figuring out what works and what doesn't in a mono/poly dynamic.
really good points though.