Facebook Friends?

I don't do facebook (or myspace).
However, I do keep in touch with my exes and consider them friends-in real life.

It is true that there is a reason they are my exes-the reason is that at the time we tried to date, we made better friends than lovers.

Now as far as hooking up with any of them again, at this point there is only one I would entertain the idea with-and she's definitely not interested. The rest-well their goals and mine aren't compatible enough to meet my criteria for a lover. So no.
 
I'm still of the humble opinion that this contacting exes stuff CAN dangerous ground unless you are open and honest with your SO. if you want to be friends then ok, i get that but... still...you left the relationship for a reason. i think you need to be honest with yourself about why you would be looking back after so many years? is it ORE (I LOVE that new term tee hee hee it fits perfectly! good one!) or is it just platonic, or is it more? honesty is key. i'm of the opinion you broke up for a reason, and unless those issues are resolved... why are you looking back. move forward, not backwards....
then again, if you are being honest and open, and you really do want to explore...fine go ahead. as long as you are honest.
and if you are just wanting to be friends fine, as long as you are honest with yourself and your so.
and as i said before, it would be times like this that a veto rule might be effective. afterall if your SO feels insecure about your ex, or see red flags, then they can veto...a
wow, did i just say veto is ok? i have a strong dislike for vetoes, but... i understand they are sometimes needed in certain relationship dynamics... which this hypothetical example could be...
 
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Mono! I'm surprised at you. It's not the online resources that fuck up the relationships, it's the fact that there were problems not being dealt with or communication was not good in the first place.?

I've thought about this a lot and watched what's happened around me in some cases. I see a lot of people getting caught up in the "grass is greener" scenario and pushing flirtation beyond their level of control. Next thing you know they are having online affairs and then they are sneaking off to screw an old flame. I just see the global connectivity as being too alluring for some people to handle sometimes.

Sometimes, being online is the problem.
 
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Honest-

The thing is that what you say is true about ANYTHING-not just contacting exes.
People who ARE honest with themselves about what their intentions are, don't have the kinds of problems that "facebook" causes in relationships..............

Mon-
I agree, that happens, but again-it's all about people not being honest with themselves.

If you are an alcoholic-don't pretend you "can just have one".

I have NO issue with that one.

I have a friend who is on here as well-and I've said it before-he's attractive, we have similar interests, he's an AMAZING flirt and he's GREAT at making a person feel good with his compliments.
But I told him from day one-I wasn't interested.
I can flirt with him til doomsday, I made my decision.
Offers were made-I declined, because I MADE my decision before anything started.

SOME people can't do that-SO ADMIT that you can't do it and stop pretending you aren't an addict to whatever it is you are an addict to.

:rolleyes:
 
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SOME people can't do that-SO ADMIT that you can't do it and stop pretending you aren't an addict to whatever it is you are an addict to.

:rolleyes:

My point exactly :) Some people..not all.
I'm not an alcoholic right now but with enough immersion into drinking I'm pretty sure I could end up one..and then make some life destroying mistakes.
 
Bwahahahahaha! ORE nice concept. I am friends with most if not all of mine.TL I think it is okay to FB friend/communicate with exes unless they are troublesome sorts or if it will be a problem with their spouses/gfs. But I am usually FB friends with them too. We keep in touch, we share our lives in a different way. I FB with everyone even the ones I can go to the pub with and have a beer.;)

It is true that there is a reason they are my exes-the reason is that at the time we tried to date, we made better friends than lovers.
Could not agree more!
 
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I am truly, truly astonished at how many people on a POLY forum would have a problem with friending a former lover on facebook!

1. If you're in a poly relationship, what difference does it make whether your partner falls in love with the cute girl at the grocery store or his high school sweetheart?

2. It's just facebook! I guess being of the younger crowd, and one of those geeks who friended everyone I went to high school with, I don't see it as any big deal at all.

3. Regarding "just anyone" seeing what I'm doing with my life, that's why they have privacy settings. I have a "real friends" list for people who can see my pics, wall postings, location, etc. Everyone else gets just my profile pic and status, same as any random stranger on facebook has access to.

4. Wouldn't you rather be able to see, open and upfront, if your partner is communicating with a former lover, as opposed to them hiding it by texting or secret coffee dates?

5. I don't see how "they broke up for a reason" is a reason NOT to talk to them. They broke up! If they wanted to be together, they wouldn't have broken up. If it's been 15 years since they broke up, they've most likely both changed a lot as people, and whatever poison drove them apart at the time has likely been healed through personal growth. And if it hasn't, well then that's just like dealing with any toxic person that your partner is dating, and is a subject already covered in other threads.

6. #1 again. You're poly! Who cares WHO they're dating and whether they've dated that person before. If they're happy together and they can give each other love, why would you want to stand in the way of that?
 
#1 again. You're poly! Who cares WHO they're dating and whether they've dated that person before.

I disagree with this statement. Who cares who they are dating ? I DO! Stand in the way ?? Why because I am not just into an open marriage. I want to know who my partner is sleeping with and I want and need to get along with them or there will be conflict. I have a family that involves three small children.

Poly is different for everyone. People are looking for different things. Some people make agreements and terms.

To me if you do not want agreements and terms than just have an open marriage and screw whoever you want. Who cares right as long as you and they are happy??? !!!

I am venting here cause this really makes me mad. Yes I want my husband to be happy but to assume that because I want to know who he is chatting with is standing in his way UGH just makes me mad.

I for one want to know who is in my husbands life. I want him to open up to me and tell me how he feels. We had talked last night and went over a lot of new thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Maybe I am the only one here who feels this way and if that is so then who cares.
 
I am venting here cause this really makes me mad. Yes I want my husband to be happy but to assume that because I want to know who he is chatting with is standing in his way UGH just makes me mad.

I for one want to know who is in my husbands life. I want him to open up to me and tell me how he feels. We had talked last night and went over a lot of new thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Maybe I am the only one here who feels this way and if that is so then who cares.

Hey Tinylove/all,

Interesting.
I see this kind of expression surface a lot here in different guises.

My only comment on the matter............

When I find myself in these kind of mindsets - or see them - I try to look deeper. Because there's different reasons people want or feel a need to know most everything that's going on in someone else's life.

1> Because BOTH want it. It's a sharing and part of the connection and glue that binds them. By "peeking" without invitation it's an honest effort to keep the communication flowing when life gets busy & hectic and something that might be important might get overlooked. But it's all agreed on.

2> Because down deep, there still isn't sufficient level of trust. I don't mean that necessarily in a negative way - i.e that there are suspicions of hidden motives etc. It may in some cases be lack of trust that you are really totally on the same page, have developed the necessary communication skills required etc. But regardless of the reasoning, sound or twisted, it still comes down to a lack of trust or need to "control".
And THOSE are the seeds of destruction.

So I advocate having that deep look and being honest about what you find. Because if there's hints of # 2, there's more homework required. Better get to it !

GS
 
Maybe I am the only one here who feels this way and if that is so then who cares.

There is two big and yet different views that seem to come into play when I listen to people at our monthly poly meetings. They relate to how people view poly as a movement and how others merely use the word to describe a very specific relationship dynamic they find themselves in.

One is that poly is a way of life and a model they want to govern the world...a world of free love without boarders where everyone is connected and love/touch is used to overcome issues. This idea is not one that accepts the idea of closed relationships among multiple people..everyone is free to be fluid, relationships come and go but there is never a restriction, everything is possible.
All relationships are open relationships.

Then there is the other people who just happen to have fallen in love with more than one person and have found a way to incorporate more than one love into thier life. They aren't looking for another, they are not in open relationships.

I feel the same way you do. No worries, you are not alone :) This has nothing to do with underlying issues or insecurities..it has to do with being true to yourself and understanding how you love and how you want to be loved.
 
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I agree with your #2 S-cat. Does that make me not an old lady? Heh :D

I get what you mean about letting love in where ever it comes from, but I think that of course there is some reasons to be aware of who it is that is coming into ones life. I didn't get what S-cat said to mean just be with whomever off facebook you want, just that there might be some reason to be open to who comes into ones life.

Its true, poly people look for different things sometimes, but I didn't get that that difference was being challenged in what S-cat was saying.
 
Tinylove-
I don't think she said anything about you wanting to know WHO he's talking to online.

She was saying-if they love each other and it's good-who cares if they are also previously exes?

Personally we DO have a WRITTEN boundary list. One of the rules is that we must identify to our primaries a potential PRIOR to dating them, and we have to identify and be sure our primary is ok with it before we move to relationships status.

That's strict to some people, but it works for us because as you said-we have small children in the house and we're all looking for stability and permanence.

BUT-if GG for example ran across his ex "new age girl", and they opted to date again; I'd be ok with that.

The key detail is that GG would NEVER keep it a secret from me (or her). We're mature, honest, open. If she "friended" him, he'd let me know. If he friended her, he'd let me know. If something started to develop, he'd let me know. If he wanted to date her again he'd let me know. He would expect her to respect our relationship...

Likewise with M, but I can't give you a name, cause he wouldn't consider his ex-wife for a variety of reasons that have little or nothing to do with me and everything to do with her current lifestyle and the damage she's done to their son. But I don't know any of the girls (except myself) from before her...
 
Maybe I am the only one here who feels this way and if that is so then who cares.

No, you are not. There are obviously different degrees of comfort levels in dealing with Polyamory. If it bothers you for your husband to get romantically involved with one of his ex-girlfriends...then I don't see why he can't, as an honorable person, be willing to accommodate and not go there. There's plenty of other fish in the sea.

Of course, I'm assuming he intends/hopes to become romantically involved with her. If not, then hey...he should be able to easily dismiss any thought of meeting with her.

I would be curious to see my ex again, but I'm not gonna go out of my way, dragging my wife, to meet up and hang out with her. Especially if I knew the whole idea really bothered her so. Like Jay-Z says, "On to the next."
 
Of course, I'm assuming he intends/hopes to become romantically involved with her. If not, then hey...he should be able to easily dismiss any thought of meeting with her.

I completely disagree with this. There are lots of reasons to want to see someone other than that you want to date or fuck them--especially if it's someone you used to be with, or even just someone you were friends with. For me it has more to do with learning things about myself, putting my past in perspective. And I would be very upset if my husband told me I couldn't see someone I wanted to see--regardless of whether I planned on, or wanted, to have sex with that person. For one thing, it's controlling.
 
And I would be very upset if my husband told me I couldn't see someone I wanted to see--regardless of whether I planned on, or wanted, to have sex with that person. For one thing, it's controlling.

I never suggested she tell her husband no either. And I agree with you...you don't have to have sex in the back of your mind in order to meet with your ex. But by the same token - I could never picture myself so eager to meet up with an ex that I would shove the idea down my wife's throat. If she's cool with it, alright, if I see she was uncomfortable. Then that's alright too. It's not that serious.
 
The specific question posted was "what do you think about friending ex lovers on facebook" and my specific answer was "no problem at all".

A more important question is, "what do you think of a person getting back together with an ex lover" and my answer to that, for either a mono or poly person, is "Bad bad idea." I never understand why people think it will work any better the second time. People break up for a reason, and most second runs end the same way as the first ones. Sure "people change" and it is theoretically possible that given enough time, both people will change enough to become "a whole new person" but by the time they grow that much, their romantic interests tend to change as well.

I disagree with this statement. Who cares who they are dating ? I DO! Stand in the way ?? Why because I am not just into an open marriage. I want to know who my partner is sleeping with and I want and need to get along with them or there will be conflict. I have a family that involves three small children.

How does being an ex preclude you from knowing her and getting along with her? Does their history brings up insecurities about your relationship?

It almost seems like you're talking about vetos, and whether vetoing an entire group of people (exes) carte blanche without meeting them is appropriate.

To me if you do not want agreements and terms than just have an open marriage and screw whoever you want. Who cares right as long as you and they are happy??? !!!

Just by being in a marriage, we've already made agreements and terms: We've promised to respect each other, communicate to the best of our ability, and avoid behaviour that would knowingly harm one another. We never make any major life decisions without discussing it first and coming to an agreement that works best for both of us. Dating people is no exception.

I am venting here cause this really makes me mad. Yes I want my husband to be happy but to assume that because I want to know who he is chatting with is standing in his way UGH just makes me mad.

I for one want to know who is in my husbands life. I want him to open up to me and tell me how he feels. We had talked last night and went over a lot of new thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Again, don't you have a better chance of knowing who he's chatting with if they're friends on facebook? Wanting to know who he's dating is definitely not standing in his way, and I did not imply it is. But it's possible that writing off an entire group of women with whom he may find happiness could prevent him from finding that happiness with those women.

She was saying-if they love each other and it's good-who cares if they are also previously exes?

Exactly what I meant.

If someone, either ex or newbie, was unwilling to at least get to know me, that would raise red flags. We may not become friends, not everyone clicks that way, but a few coffees are good to get a solid sense of one another.

I probably did take it too far by saying "who cares who they date" ... of course any loving partner is going to care about whom their spouse is dating. I guess what I really meant was, who cares if they're an ex, as long as their relationship with your husband is healthy, they are loving and supportive, good role models for your kids, etc. I mean, you husband had the sense to marry you, so his taste in women must be reliable, right? :)
 
I was best friends with my first love and when we broke up we would still spend time together. THe MONO Gf that i ended up being with completely freaked out at the thought of me haging out with my ex.

This definitely created some resentment towards that lover at the time. she too is now an ex and i'm in a much healthier poly relationship where my POLy partner and i have no problems with ex-es. actually she frequently speaks to one of her exes on facebook all the time.

I know that there is a feeling (allbeit tiny) that is wierded out by it because that part of their life is over, but you cannot deny that it may have been a very significant part of your loved one's life. and to deny them to even talk can cause only trouble.

However, if there is an interest for more than talking, then you two need to talk about it to see how each of you feel about it. someone already said vetos work. and they do unless it causes them to want it more cause they can't have it.

i would say encourage talk with a temp veto and then you might start to relax more or your partner may not in fact have any interest in pursuing his ex as a lover again.
 
So what do you think?

The more, the merrier.

I don't see any difference between an old flame and a possible new flame--and any relationship that might turn romantic involves the same sort of work as any other. Whether it's somebody she just met or somebody she knows from high school and whom she never dated or somebody whom she dated for a lengthy period makes no difference to me.
 
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