I'm Seeing it Clearly Now

Hippiegirl

New member
Hi everyone,
I am very excited to find this forum. I've been living my life as a lesbian for about 15 years. Currently at a crossroads, ending a marriage, and trying to find my true happiness. Doing the therapy thing and going through the steps of self discovery. I've always had comfort issues with men, so being gay was almost a safety net. But I have realized that I'm so much more than that. First accepting that I'm bi...but that didn't really explain it. I'm pan, men, women, trans...yup that all sounds amazing. But when I close my eyes at night it isn't one person or sex that I see...it's a small group of people all loving each other that stirs my true desire. And I'm so beyond excited and happy to finally be acknowledging this and taking the first steps to understand how this can really work in a healthy way and meeting people who understand it.

Is it really possible to find love and security with multiple people? It's a bit overwhelming and scary to not fit in the traditional gay or straight role. This is all certainly much more intimidating than originally coming out as gay...maybe because this is my souls true desire...it makes me feel very vulnerable.

I look forward to chatting and getting to know more fabulous and free people in this forum. I'm grateful you're all here!
 
I hate to burst your bubble. The "group of people all loving each other" is a fantasy. If you read around this board, you will not find many triads, much less quads or more all living together amicably, family style, and loving each other "equally."

The most commonly successful type of poly relationship is a V. This is where you would be a hinge, and you would love 2 people. Your partners may like each other, and be OK with hanging out as friends. Or they may actively dislike each other, and want to avoid each other completely. Or they may just feel "meh" about each other, and are merely polite when their path cross at your door. In very very rare cases, your partners could be attracted to each other and also become lovers.

Sometimes one of your partners may be monogamous. Or, one or both of your partners may have another lover. Then the tangle take on an N shape, or other alphabet shape or star shape. Some relationships may be full on living together. Some may be a once or twice a week thing, or once or twice a month, or long distance to the point you only see them once a season or less.

Relationships take time to build and take shape. And then, relationships can end. And everything is reshuffled.
 
For the hippie minded, the notion of communal living and loving has long held a lot of appeal.

Unfortunately, especially in the society we have grown up in and live in, I am skeptical. Humans = drama. It's just how life works. When I first came into the kink community I was warned in dire tones, "Well, just so you know...there IS drama..." I laughed at that. Of course there is! There are PEOPLE here. Lots of us. People with all sorts of different pasts, presents, futures, challenges, hopes, dreams, and expectations. When those clash, well, drama happens.

Have you ever lived with roommates?

Ever had a long term living together sort of relationship?

The clashes when only two adults cohabitate can be spectacular, sometimes devastating. The more humans you add to the mix...the more issues can arise.

But I don't think people should despair or give up on the idea of communal love, though. Just think very, VERY carefully about a number of factors and failsafes before you try it. In particular ask yourself, with regard to each individual person and how you are and how you interact: "What would it probably look like, if this were to end?" Screaming and tears? Unpaid bills? Destroyed property? Part as friends? What would happen?

Don't be afraid of the possibility, nay the PROBABILITY, that your relationship(s) will not include a "happily ever after." Because the goal of "until death do us part" is usually not realistic, and even if it happens, still one person remains to be alone and go on. Change is part of life.

For the last year I've been part of a quad. For the last 8 months I've also had a relationship with a mono man outside of my quad, too. (4 partners, plus me.) We don't live together, though my quad does include a married and cohabitating couple. In addition to the married couple, two solo poly's (one male one female) and a mono...the extended network also encompasses the other lady's other lovers, my metamours, and their partners...it's kind of a web. A "polycule."

The married couple are pretty much cool with having their own place but they've dreamed of living communally and off the grid with clever anarchists (who probably brew beer and play music, I presume)... The other solo poly guy would like to live off the grid, too, but I get the sense he'd prefer a small group of his choosing, out isolated from the rest of society. I actually don't know what he wants, and I'm often not sure if HE knows what he wants. I want to live alone with my teenage son until I've figured out what I want, which might end up being some kind of poly, might be mono, maybe living with someone, maybe not...but I have a while to work it out, in the meantime, I'm pretty happy with what I have, other than never having enough TIME for everything I want to devote it to. I certainly am not interested in living off the grid or in a commune, I like being in the city.

I know one hippie person who does live in a poly household. She reports much drama, hurt, and confusion often, not feeling loved enough, cramped quarters and shared space. Honestly, it doesn't sound fun to me.

It is whatever you, and yours, can make it...for better or worse.
 
Wow...Ok so I was seeing it clearly for a minute! I appreciate the feedback, even if it seems disheartening. I appreciate the direct approach and not pussy footing around the real truths of navigating and living in the poly world. I'm so new to this. Gay seems so easy! I wish I could be that uncomplicated.
Call me a hippie at heart. I love women. Their curves, kisses, the way they can understand a woman's body and emotions. But I'm also attracted to
men. And I don't want to be unfaithful or have to choose. Maybe that means I'm committed with a bi woman and we play together as our heart desires. Maybe it's a quad...equal parts man and woman...I don't know. But I crave a balance between sexual exploration, multiples, but also the security and deep love that comes from sharing a life together. I guess I need to just let this exploration and self journey take its course. Have faith that the souls out there that are meant to connect with mine will do just that.

Spork - if your married couple ever runs off with their anarchists for an off the grid existence full of music and beer making...look me up, I'm in!!
 
Wow...Ok so I was seeing it clearly for a minute! I appreciate the feedback, even if it seems disheartening. I appreciate the direct approach and not pussy footing around the real truths of navigating and living in the poly world. I'm so new to this. Gay seems so easy! I wish I could be that uncomplicated.
Call me a hippie at heart. I love women. Their curves, kisses, the way they can understand a woman's body and emotions. But I'm also attracted to
men. And I don't want to be unfaithful or have to choose. Maybe that means I'm committed with a bi woman and we play together as our heart desires. Maybe it's a quad...equal parts man and woman...I don't know. But I crave a balance between sexual exploration, multiples, but also the security and deep love that comes from sharing a life together. I guess I need to just let this exploration and self journey take its course. Have faith that the souls out there that are meant to connect with mine will do just that.

Spork - if your married couple ever runs off with their anarchists for an off the grid existence full of music and beer making...look me up, I'm in!!


Well here's the cool part... We are writing our own scripts.

So it's not that it is easy or hard...it depends! On lots of things! Anything is possible...but easy is never a guarantee.

For many people it isn't worth making the effort. One partner, that's easy (or not! lol) and they are satisfied. For those who pursue polyamory, it is worth any effort or challenge that they face. Here we are...living life...writing our own scripts.

As for my couple, Fire and Hefe have mentioned a couple of anarchist community trips they have done...

https://anarchapulco.com/

and

http://porcfest.com/

...like most poly people, I think that love is infinite, and the world of loving relationships contains infinite possibilities...but there are very finite and limited pieces that have to be managed. Time, money, energy, space...real concrete things that do have to be taken into account. Sometimes it is a struggle. Has it been worth it? To me, yes, absolutely. If my relationships ended today, this minute, I'd be happy they happened and grateful for the memories. You know?
 
Hi, Hippiegirl, and welcome to THIS grid!

When I saw your user name and the title of the thread, I'm Seeing it Clearly Now, I got a few mixed thoughts:

Well lucky her! Some of us have been poly for years and still don't see it clearly.
Uh-oh! Some starry-eyed idealist who thinks that she sees it clearly, only because she hasn't got a clue.
Variations on those themes.

Then comes the first reply, offering to burst your bubble.

As an old hippie myself (meaning a hippie who's old, not an ex-hippie [in fact, I was tad too young to be a hippy the first time around: I'm a late developer]), my advice is: don't give up your dreams... but don't be blinded by them, and don't EXPECT everything to work out perfectly.

Poly people aren't better than the rest of the population, or kinder, or more intelligent. And we certainly haven't found all the answers.

On the plus side, if they're true poly - and not just pretending to be - they should believe in openness and in the fact that nobody owns anybody else. That your capacity to love should not be restricted by society's rules or cultural brainwashing.

Like all relationships - like all of life - polyamorous ones have to be worked at. There is pain and disappointment involved. But also joy. How successful a poly relationship is depends a little bit on luck and a lot more on good communication, trust, a willingness to see things from other POVs, an openness to the feelings of all concerned.

The luck might involve finding the right people, but that isn't 100% a matter of luck. There are people who call themselves poly who are abusive manipulators... and they're not easy to spot to begin with. But you can try to learn the warning signs.

+++​

It has been my dream for decades to live in a commune. A poly one would be a plus. Alas, the only times that I've come anywhere close (to living in a commune), they have fallen apart due to internal problems. Mostly lack of maturity, members' insecurity problems, lack of good communication, and/or power games being played. (One fell apart partly due to a polyamory issue.)

Poly relationships can fall apart for the same reasons.

So: go in with an open heart, but ALSO open eyes... and a brain running on all cylinders.

And if your bubble bursts, blow another one.
 
Wow...Ok so I was seeing it clearly for a minute! I appreciate the feedback, even if it seems disheartening. I appreciate the direct approach and not pussy footing around the real truths of navigating and living in the poly world. I'm so new to this. Gay seems so easy! I wish I could be that uncomplicated.
Call me a hippie at heart. I love women. Their curves, kisses, the way they can understand a woman's body and emotions. But I'm also attracted to
men. And I don't want to be unfaithful or have to choose. Maybe that means I'm committed with a bi woman and we play together as our heart desires.

Play together? Do you mean you put yourselves out there as a FF couple looking to share a man? Well, that is most men's top fantasy. Problem is, many if not most men have never done it, and aren't too good at pleasing 2 women at once.

Those that are may be swingers. But they aren't looking for love, just a hookup. Swingers are opposed to feelings.

I am in a long term FF relationship. We've been together for 7.5 years. In our earlier years, we have tried several times (with 2 different bfs of mine) to have threesome sex. Rarely has it been that good. And both guys are gone from my life now, after 2.5 years each. My gf and I have basically given up on that dream. We are much happier each having our own bf for one on one sex/dates. It's just more clear cut.

Maybe it's a quad...equal parts man and woman...I don't know. But I crave a balance between sexual exploration, multiples, but also the security and deep love that comes from sharing a life together. I guess I need to just let this exploration and self journey take its course. Have faith that the souls out there that are meant to connect with mine will do just that.

I can do lots of "sexual exploration" without having 3way or 4way sex. You could join OK Cupid right now, and get 20 messages or more by the end of the day. You wouldn't even need a picture or a profile, just a name and an F after it.lol
 
Greetings Hippiegirl,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I see no reason not to pursue your dreams. Just be aware that people are complex, so, relationships are more complex as we add more people. But can it work, yes I think it can. Given the right combination and circumstances.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
FWIW, I did not see anywhere in Hippiegirl's first post that she wanted to live in a commune with a network of lovers. All she said was that, in her imaginings, she envisioned a "small group of people all loving each other" and that excited her. That didn't strike me as her necessarily wanting such a group to cohabit together, nor everyone all "loving each other equally." I took it as simply, "I want more than one, and I want my lovers to be loving and caring toward each other" - which isn't that far off from what some members here have. Hippiegirl, it is possible!
 
FWIW, I did not see anywhere in Hippiegirl's first post that she wanted to live in a commune with a network of lovers. All she said was that, in her imaginings, she envisioned a "small group of people all loving each other" and that excited her. That didn't strike me as her necessarily wanting such a group to cohabit together, nor everyone all "loving each other equally."
True enough, nothing about that in the OP. But then Spork mentioned hippie-minded people in general and their common (in the sense of "frequently-held", not in the sense of "common to all of them") dream of communal living and universal love. She also mentioned some friends of hers, and Hippiegirl's reaction to that was
Spork - if your married couple ever runs off with their anarchists for an off the grid existence full of music and beer making...look me up, I'm in!!
Further off from what some members here have, and perhaps more of a dream... but also possible.
 
I'd disagree with some of the posts above.... You can be happy in
Any relationship you want... It just takes true and complete
Communication and being open with your love ones.

So I'd say Be Happy

Be Happy
 
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