Why is it so Bad?

Like LR said, it depends on the kid. You've mentioned before that your son gets attached really easily, and gets very sad when people go away. In your case, getting to know partners outside the home and then keeping them on a friends-basis with your son is a reasonable course of action.

My point is that the example doesn't make the rule. There is no universal script for "poly parents." What's good for you may not be good for other people, and vice-versa.

For some kids, it may be better to have their parents home more often and not out dating, especially if they're already busy with work and other commitments. For example, Auto is the working parent. Zoffee has anxiety and can't drive or go out much, so she also runs most of the household errands. She also does drag, and that takes her away too. At the end of all that, it would be more deleterious for her to have all her dates away from home, because it would mean even more time spent away from her kids. Because she's normalized the concept of "people come and go," her kids don't think much of it when the people in specific roles, i.e. casual partners, suddenly stop coming around. They meet their needs for stability and love and connection through their family.
 
I don't recall saying that. What I've said is that my son doesn't forget people and spots inconsistencies in behaviour. There is also the element of wanting him to understand how one can misuse sex and consent issues before I promote casual relationships so I don't want him to see me indulge in any and misunderstand my motivation. I am as sure as I can be that my current partner and I could transition into a friendship model if it worked better for us. That's why ive allowed some contact.
 
Last edited:
How does one achieve that, except by the kids used to people coming and going? I'm really open to hearing other options; as I would like to be able to tell my partner about them. I myself am not able to come up with anything :p and this is an issue, actually, for us.

Or am I paranoid that the kids "finding out" will be problematic for them? (At least for now, when they are too young to understand)?

Are you asking how to deal with introducing a romantic partner?
 
Are you asking how to deal with introducing a romantic partner?

More on how to accustom children to being around friends of the parent. That way when a new romantic relationship comes round, there is a natural "in" for the person to be around the household. If the parent has to choose between being with kids or being on a date, it makes it much harder for a relationship to develop. If the new paramour can be around the kids, not necessarily "connecting" with, they can get much more time.
 
More on how to accustom children to being around friends of the parent.

At the risk of being flippant, I'm going to say "bring your children around your friends."

If they see and experience your social life, even on the periphery, then people's presence will be natural for them. Or, at least, not such an oddball event that they latch on to it in some way differently than they should.

I'm not talking about the "night out" type of things - I get invited to those and turn them down when I have my kids, since I can't really intermingle the two (going out drinking is not a kids activity), but I will try to get friends over the house for, say, a cookout or the like. They bring their kids, and the kids will do what they'll do. Younger ones run around like goofballs or play video games together. Older ones sit on opposite corners of the room on their iPods and roll their eyes in unison at us adults.

I wasn't worried about bringing P around the kids because he *had* been a friend beforehand (and would likely still remain in that circle of friends, should we break up). It doesn't make things go swimmingly easy - my oldest daughter still remains at arm's length around him, and I'm not sure if it's some residual post-divorce resentment being tossed his way, or just being thirteen and standoffish in general. ;)

So yeah. If you want your children to see you around your friends more, have your friends around more. Sounds flippant, but it takes effort, scheduling, etc. once you're involving parents and schedules and things.
 
What about your partners feelings. Its it really fair to ask them to pretend nothing its going on romantically in front of children is kind of a slap in the face to their importance in your life. Go? is it quality time ?

I have my kids more often than not when Murf is off work and we are together. He would not be happy if he was told sorry no pdas in front of the kids. He would feel devalued and unimportant. Are we making out in front of the kids heck no. But he would not tolerate not being able to cuddle on the couch. Kiss me, and etc.
 
That's why I don't habitually have my son around partners. It's unfair and unrealistic to expect them to totally change how they behave and its too soon to behave as if we're dating around him. Many healthy relationships don't work on a romantic level and I don't want to risk my son feeling.they've rejected him or that it's his fault in any way. Best to only integrate "keepers".
 
I don't really see it as a big issue honestly. Runic Wolf and I have been married 13 years. Our son has grown up around our friends, some who have been FWB, his entire life. Our friends occasionally sleep over, for example the night we moved into our house, we played Rockband until the middle of the night and our guests slept on the couches until they were awake and sober enough to drive home. It is not unheard of for us to hug our friends, curl up on the couch and take a nap with them, etc. My son has come home from school to find Wendigo (bf) and I napping on the couch together. This is normal for him. Sure, Wendigo and I may sneak in a kiss or a grope in passing when he's looking the other way or in the other room, but neither of us has felt stifled by the amount of PDA we can or can't show infront of him. I mean honestly, are you groping your children's parents infront of your kids in public? Are you getting all hot and heavy making out infront of your kids at social gatherings? If not, than why would you expect to be doing that with a significant other?
 
Auto and I were just talking about this and she made a good point. In the case of kids who are very clingy, it's even more important to expose them to people coming and going. Sooner or later, they'll have their first relationship and if they're really clingy, they'll fall really hard and fast. This will likely scare the person off, and there's a strong chance the kid will take it as a personal rejection, internalizing it. That's far more detrimental than the pain of exposure early on.
 
That's true Schroeding-but it needs to be in a healthy and productive way, not a traumatizing and increasing of clinginess way.
Also-not in a way that treats other people as disposable tools for helping train the child.

When Maca's gf moved away-that was a great opportunity for Sour Pea to face the reality that people leave. Goodbye's were said and conversations had about the fact that people leave (interestingly she has no issue with death-just unexplained disappearances).

I think there is a "whole picture" thing that needs addressed. It's not about any one detail, it's about the whole. In the case of a stranger, the risks far outweigh the benefits. If it's a friend, then it's definitely worth considering the possibility that the benefits may outweigh the risks.

I can't imagine (as I've said elsewhere on the forum) not having an integrated social/family group. Friends are treated as family and they come and go regularly, even when we aren't home. So our children ARE very socialized.
However-strangers do not. People earn their right to be a part of our circle through interactions outside of our family dynamic. Kids may "see them around" but they don't see them HERE until they are already established as "friends of the family".

OMMV
 
I can't imagine (as I've said elsewhere on the forum) not having an integrated social/family group. Friends are treated as family and they come and go regularly, even when we aren't home. So our children ARE very socialized.
However-strangers do not. People earn their right to be a part of our circle through interactions outside of our family dynamic. Kids may "see them around" but they don't see them HERE until they are already established as "friends of the family".

I can imagine it. I'm living both simultaneously :) Prefer the integrated model.
 
I think there is an assumption that unless I bring dates around my son, we have no life. Our life is with existing friends and family.
 
Auto and I were just talking about this and she made a good point. In the case of kids who are very clingy, it's even more important to expose them to people coming and going. Sooner or later, they'll have their first relationship and if they're really clingy, they'll fall really hard and fast. This will likely scare the person off, and there's a strong chance the kid will take it as a personal rejection, internalizing it. That's far more detrimental than the pain of exposure early on.
Yes, if you have a clingy child, it is advisable to let everyone you date in their life so they become accustomed to loss. I mean, it's not like one has friends and family who die, move etc. Teach them with strangers!!


Bottom line is some parents are ok changing how they date for kid's sakes, others aren't.
 
I think there is an assumption that unless I bring dates around my son, we have no life. Our life is with existing friends and family.

Assumption by...your kids?....your dates? Seems kind of weird that someone would think someone who is actively poly, in multiple serious relationships, kids, friends, and family, has "no life."
 
It's this dichotomy people present: "you don't date around your son? Oh he must have attachment issues, be sheltered to his detriment and will never handle loss."
 
I can't believe I'm saying this, as I'm a compulsive overthinker, but some people really overthink that. Children should not be tossed around, but they aren't delicate. Also, they really don't care that much about their parent's personal lives; so long as they feel safe and taken care of.
 
I pretty much do the same as YouAreHere.
They meet my friends at mine or theirs or we meet out at the park and let the kids play while we chat or play tennis.Kids get to play tennis at the end if they want to. I would never force interactions, just let them do it in their own time and in their own way. They are not terribly interested in adults unless the adults want to do lego or puzzles or something with them.
They first met Prof at roller skating, they could interact, or not, as they wanted.
I wouldn't have strangers around my house. It takes ages for me to get friendly with people so anyone they meet through me I have known for a long period of time.
 
Why wouldn't a child be around a parents friends, even new friends? (Except as LR pointed out, they have the tendency to get too attached). Since my son's birth, he has interacted with ALL our friends, gay, straight, married, not, transgender, etc. We have taken him to parities if it is allowed and so on.

When my husband started dating his girlfriend, we introduced her as a friend, and then when it became nessary to tell him we were "open" and she was daddies girlfriend, we did that... But my son is very flexible. He also isn't really prone to the "normal" stereotypes, for example that two straight people of opposite genders can't be friends. And he's never been raised in a "nuclear setting" our house has always been full of his (children) friends, neighbors, and visitors. We talk a lot about of friends and travel to visit them. I guess this all prepared him to understand polyamory easily... that said, I never bring dates around my son. In my experience most dates are only once...so that would be weird and creepy.But after a few months if I make a platonic friend (or lover) I begin talking about them, and eventually my son will meet them. We also live in New York, so we have to be automatically savvy about creeps and strangers and dealing with many different kinds of people (racially, ability etc) on any given day.
 
Last edited:
Maybe that's the difference. I know lots of people whose perceptions and behaviour around relationships have been directly tainted by watching their parents date and handle relationships. Parents are often oblivious to the effect.
 
That's true Schroeding-but it needs to be in a healthy and productive way, not a traumatizing and increasing of clinginess way.
Also-not in a way that treats other people as disposable tools for helping train the child.

Oh absolutely. There are constructive and destructive ways to do anything.

For clarity, I'm not saying to deliberately make a point of bringing people around specifically so you can send them away and teach the kid a lesson. That would be weird. I'm saying, live life the way you would otherwise, and then when something happens that is a struggle for the child to cope with, help them through it and use it as a learning opportunity.

In other words, don't go out of your way to shelter someone who has trouble coping with normal parts of life. Sooner or later, you won't be around to shelter them, and the older the children get, the harder it is to rewire the brain to learn these challenging things.

The whole point of childhood, besides playing and having fun, is for learning the things you'll need to know as an adult. If you wait until you actually are an adult to try and learn these things, there's a strong chance you never actually will. If you do, it will likely require concentrated therapy and vast amounts of effort.

Coping with loss is like any skill. For some it comes naturally, for others it's a struggle. And like any skill, the younger you are, the easier it is to learn.

Yes, if you have a clingy child, it is advisable to let everyone you date in their life so they become accustomed to loss. I mean, it's not like one has friends and family who die, move etc. Teach them with strangers!!

So... Make sure that every person that leaves their life is a longtime friend or family member? Don't even consider letting them walk before they run? That sounds traumatizing to me.

Not everything is black and white. Letting some new people into their lives, even if they won't stick around, isn't the same as turning your house into a revolving door. You can meet someone and get to know them for a few weeks and then bring them over. That doesn't mean every first date comes home to meet your kids.
 
Back
Top