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Old 06-15-2009, 04:13 AM
scandal scandal is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 4
Default Then they all rolled over and..... (Or when 4 becomes 3)

Hi Everyone, I have been watching the forum as a guest for a little while ( I know....naughty zoot!) and decided I needed to join to get some advice on my sticky little situation.

Once upon a time ( about three years ago ) my husband of ten years and I met a lovely couple that we fell in love with. They were also married and we enjoyed a poly quad for some time .

Unfortunately, my boyfriend broke up with his wife after she had a relationship with another man. She had hidden it from all of us ( it lasted about 9 months ). There were other issues causing the break up at the time, but the affair was the icing on the cake. At the time, my hubby and I were trying to be supportive to both in our own way, until she broke up with my hubby as well (with little explanation despite him really trying to help).

Eventually my husband got back with the ex, and is happy with that relationship. Myself and my bf aren't completely happy ( I felt that she mistreated my hubby) but we understand that the relationship between them is theirs and doesn't affect ours with each other or with him.

The problem is, she's been really angry towards me and I can't do anything right. I still have to work with her so I can't avoid her and when I do see her she treats me like something she stepped in. I have been really careful not to talk about either of the boys with her, or be intimate with either in public. I try really hard to be sensitive about her feelings, but don't always do all the things she wants me to, to make her feel better about herself.

I have tried confronting her, my husband has tried to confront her, all to no avail because she strongly believes that I am being nasty to her. It's starting to affect the faith that I have in my relationship with my husband as it hurts to know that he wants to be with someone who appears to have little respect for me.

What do I do? How do I resolve this? Does she need to move on completely to get over the breakdown of her marriage? Should I keep copping the silent treatment and the snide remarks to make everyone happy? Is there another way out?

Thanks for your help everyone

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Old 06-15-2009, 01:29 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504

Yeah, that is a very tough situation. It sounds like you are doing the "right" things. It seems that one breakdown is that she doesn't have enough trust in you to believe you are not being nasty. Sometimes this is due to people reflecting their own feelings on to others. For example, she may see you as acting fake because if the situation were reversed, she may try to act fake. I think all you can do is to keep trying and hope she understands you are sincere at some point.

It has got to be frustrating having your husband love someone who is acting this way. But it is hard to stop loving someone. He is probably hoping that there is a way for things to work out. It sounds like if he broke up with her, you would still have to deal with her in your life.

It seems that since you have to keep dealing with her no matter what (since you have to work with her), I think all you can do is to be sincere and hope she comes around to see that she has been misjudging you.

Sorry about your situation.
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Old 06-24-2009, 05:42 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 346

Good advice Quath, I don't think there's any other way around it.....unless this woman was to change jobs and move away out of everyone's life altogether.....keep taking the high road scandal....
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Old 06-25-2009, 08:21 AM
ljkforu's Avatar
ljkforu ljkforu is offline
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Hillsboro, OR
Posts: 5
Default Questions

Scandal did you ever have an intimate relationship with her yourself that you can foster? Is there anyway to bring things together instead of everyone spreading apart?

If you're not bi could you kidnap her and take her shopping and out for coffee without talking about the relationships? Misunderstandings just spread so fast. Take the high road and see where you can go.

If she really is a manipulator then by your trying, your husband will she that you tried to be an evolved individual about the whole thing.
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Old 06-25-2009, 08:05 PM
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LethalTender LethalTender is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Currently Deployed to Iraq.
Posts: 21
Default Use the Jam

Like to pieces of toast rubbing together, things are coarse and rough and uncomfortable. You may try using an intermediary. AKA your husband. While you may feel hurt about his continued relationship with her, I would think that you would be aware that the nature of his love for her is sustaining for him in a manner separate from the love you share with him. If this woman still trusts your husband, I would suggest that you lean on him to help get across the depth of your sincerity. If she is all to blinded by her worries or false fears over you, your husband and the love he is sharing with her may be the key to getting her to come around. Love is an emotion, and thus a woefully illogical drive in us at times. But that is my two cents on the matter. Talk things over with your husband and see if he is willing to put in the good word for you.. to Validate your sincerity to this woman. If she manages to be willing to listen even a bit. That may help in her coming around to reconsider what possible biases she may have sent in her mind about you. I wish you well in your loves. And I pray that all things will turn out for the good in the end.
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