Again, I am not saying in any way that I was desiring to create the experience of lying to her, I was opposed to that but ultimately it was his relationship. I am not here to make decisions for him.
No, you aren't, but you chose to be involved.
I do wonder if you truly believe that this pattern of his would have healed by giving him the ultimatum as was suggested
Where was there an ultimatum? What was it? What was suggested I believe was that you decided for
yourself to involve yourself with him on the level that you did. There was no ultimatum as far as I can see... just decision making. To do or not to do. You all made a decision. I don't remember you saying that there was any talk of "dump the girlfriend or you aren't going to get in my pants because I don't date cheaters" Or did I miss something?
(which would not work on my end as I do not care to put those types of limitations on relationships! So therefor I would have had to act in untruth. Also, for both him and I and my husband, to not explore our relationship would have been lying to ourselves.
As far as I can see you acted in "untruth" anyway... you lied to her. I don't think you weren't lying to yourself, you knew how you felt about him. You both did. That isn't lying as far as I can tell. From what I have read about your story, you chose this path for your "self" only.
Betrayal of the self is the highest betrayal of all. We are all human and everyone makes mistakes and that is how we learn.
How do these go together? You seem to be saying that you were justified because you would be betraying yourself, and then you are saying that you are human and make mistakes and that is how you learn. Which is it that you believe? That you were justified or that you made a mistake?
I still do not see the situation as having healed the dishonesty pattern had it not unfolded the way it has. I am assuming you must be coming from a place of having healed all your human attributes as well, such as name calling and judging and condemming others for not doing things as you would have done them. Without these basic considerations there is no hope of healing the damage we have done to eachother
why the wink?
What basic considerations went without and lead to damage and lack of healing for all? Are you talking about yourself here?
don't get that bit.
Anyway... Ya, the situation is not healed from what I understand. To me it seems that the dishonesty pattern is not only continued, but is now brought to this woman's life also. She now also must wear that heavy veil of pain that comes from trusting and finding out that everything she knows is a lie and that people have been dishonest.
I have not healed all my human attributes
yes, you have assumed that. Again, I see no name calling in what I have said, nor do I read any purposeful judgment, and I don't see any condemning either.... I am just a person who has lived 42 years and has experienced some shit. I have also been here for almost three years and have read a lot and responded to a lot of threads on cheating and poly.... I invited you to read other threads I believe, didn't I? I have an opinion grounded in much reading and experience and while it changes occasionally and is a work in process, I am not afraid to express it. How people take it is how they take it. I do my best to speak with as much empathy as I can because I know what it is like to be a cheater. Take it or leave it, but as you are on a public forum I have done what people do on public forums.... written what I believe (I made sure I said that lots in order to make sure you are aware of that about me).
I dunno, maybe I am too giving, but I tend to put people before myself if I think that the situation would be better off as a whole. In the end I find that it comes around that I am rewarded for that in terms of the pleasure and pride I have in doing something for someone else and from doing what I consider the right thing by others. I work and react to situations in terms of the greater good for all, how all of who I am involved with will learn and grow from the experience, including my self. Sure, its fucking hard to keep my hands off people I am attracted to, but looking at the situation holistically and thinking of what "could be" usually means I am able to direct that into something within myself that is more about everyone, rather than myself because I believe that if everyone benefits, I benefit.
From what I gather in what you write you seem to be going from a place of empathy and actually owning up to the possibility that what you participated in was hurtful and then you go back to yourself and how it would of hurt you. I'm sorry this is painful in some way and that it was painful for you right from the beginning. I know what its like to find oneself at the cross road of a decision and go down a path that leads to where you are. I also know what it is like to go down the path of integrity and all the pain that involves. None of it is easy, but I have found that in the long run, being in a place where I can proudly say that I had everyone's best intention and that everyone around me is now pain free as a result of my actions makes me feel on top of the world. People trust me, I am trustworthy. I wouldn't give that up for anything now. I am not saying you should be like me. But as one human to another, I am saying there are other ways and expressing an alternative to the situation that unfolded around you.
In resolution to all this, after having a loving and supportive conversation in which we discussed his biggest fears regarding all this was actually a fear of being outed as poly, and being called a weirdo or other lovely names as humans can be so quick to do, he finally found the resolution to share the situation.
Obviously there was a LOT of anger the first day but they have moved into the second day and now the she wishes he had told her sooner, that it was just the lie of it that really bothers her. He says this was the hardest lesson he has ever had. He feels now that he was being weak before, and that is was way worse in his mind. She has gone and told all their friends and he is starting to deal with that now they are thinking he is a freak, but has decided to try radical honesty as a new policy. I am grateful to have shared this journey with him and wonder what the future may hold as you never know. There could be a new woman in my life
I would like to thank the few of you who didnt jump up in judgment for holding the space, and I would also like to thank those of you who were very harsh. I find teachers everywhere.
Namaste <3
I think I qualify as both so I am not going to say "you are welcome"
I hope she is able to trust again and that he remains strong. There is always a chance that there is a turn around. He is more than welcome to come here and get some support for that.