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Old 06-27-2010, 08:13 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Location: Kansas City Metro
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Ah, well, I've met two wives via online dating, so I guess I can say I'm all for it. I've "met" women from other parts of the country with whom I'd likely have ongoing romances were we living closer.

I met Curly via Yahoo Personals years ago, and my previous wife via a long-defunct personals site in '95 (no pictures, short ads like newspaper personals). OKC has been the best place I've found, because it's a mainstream site that has folks who haven't considered poly arrangements to do so; the dedicated poly dating sites simply lack the numbers of people to provide a variety (and far too many couples-as-a-package-deal).

As far as approaching others goes, I view all initial contact messages I send as fire-and-forget and never expect a response. Folks on a dating site aren't running businesses where some expectations of business etiquette may apply (and businesses are no longer adhering to the expectation of always replying, btw), they're simply on a site looking for a specific connection. If they're overwhelmed by responses or don't find anything compelling in a message (or profile), there's no reason to expect them to respond.

Trolls are to be expected in any online venue. It's a cost of doing business, so to speak, online. I giggle at them, sometimes evaluate their creativity, then delete and move along without another thought. Occasionally I'll toy with one, though I usually don't have the time to waste on them.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 06-27-2010, 09:58 PM
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Endicott Endicott is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Fort Lauderdale
Posts: 18

Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
I was mostly with your opinion, until ;

'I wont accept the “no time to write a thank you” – that’s just bad manners.'

You,..won`t,...'accept' ?

That sounds rather odd. As if by contacting them, they owe you something.

Your thread definetly sits wrong with me.
I think you mis-interpreted my message.

I said I won't accept that people do not have time for a courtesy.
We all have time for courtesy.

I'm a big boy and respect peoples choice of action. But I take issue with people saying they are too busy for common courtesy. Whether in the store. The parking lot. The hotel check-in counter. Or online.

I accept online dating does not require people to be courteous, and because people don't have to courteous, they wont.

Why does our behavior online become different in person.

Why the trolls? Why the callousness?

I have no hint of an answer, other than anonymity breeds bad manners. That we act courteous not because its right, but because we suffer if we are rude. But online, there is no penalty for rudeness.

It takes away from the humanity we are all looking for.

My rant...you are now returned to your regular web browsing.
Endicott Smith

"Be gentle with each person you meet, for each of them is fighting a great battle.
St. Ephrem the Syrian b.306AD - d.373AD

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Old 06-28-2010, 02:27 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 883

No, I didn`t misinterpret anything.

Same answers from me as before.
Only adding in, that many people still view being online as a threat, a scary world, and thus, protect themselves in a manner that they deem fit.

It`s the equivalent, of handing loose change to a 'homeless' person. If you live in a large city, you soon realize you can`t 'be nice and mannerly' to every homeless person. Some aren`t homeless at all. Some are crafty shysters. So, instead, you do the best in deciding who-is-what, and you carry on.

Good luck to you in your search though.
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Old 06-28-2010, 02:36 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 7,087

It's not a matter of manners, tho. I am a firm proponent of good manners and mutual respect. It's one thing I really look for in friends.

I don't respond to unsuitable men b/c it's pointless. When I have responded, just to say, "thanks but no thanks," they then start in with "why, why, why?" And their conversation is boring, they have nothing interesting to say beyond, "you're hot," and perhaps describing various vanilla sex acts they'd like to perform on me. It's a waste of my time, and theirs.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
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Old 06-28-2010, 03:52 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520

Why is it that all of these women (men too) who are so worried about "stalkers" and lame-o's that they can't/won't send a quick, "Thank you, but I'm not interested. Good Luck" have never heard of the ignore, block, or report buttons?

It is good manners to acknowledge someone and thier interests. It is good manners to thank someone if they pay you a complement no matter how insincere they may be.

My biggest problem is when coverstaion seems to e going well and then you dont't hear from them. No "Sorry, found somone else." no insults even, just silence, so you sit there wondering what you could have done wrong.
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
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Old 06-28-2010, 03:56 PM
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bettybaker bettybaker is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Livermore, CA
Posts: 12

I've never understood the concept of "you owe me a message as a courtesy" approach. I'm not saying that harshly, I'm just saying that I don't get it.

Imposing this obligation of "you either talk back to me or you're discourteous" means that you're expecting this person--who didn't reach out to you and doesn't know you and owes you nothing--to either summon up the courage to tell you that she's not into you and doesn't want to talk (and it's *hard* to be be mean) or to send you half-hearted conversation until you get it that the conversation's not going anywhere.

So, really, I'd just take silence as a sign that nothing more is coming up, so it's time to message someone else and see what happens. I know that I *far* prefer silence to outright rejection.
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Old 06-28-2010, 05:23 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 96

I use OKC and Polymatchmaker. For me it doesn't work out that well as I don't really feel that I express myself that well on online personal sites. It just seems to be a lot harder for me to do the witty banter that I depend on to establish a good rapport.
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Old 06-28-2010, 05:42 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by DharmaBum23 View Post
I use OKC and Polymatchmaker. For me it doesn't work out that well as I don't really feel that I express myself that well on online personal sites. It just seems to be a lot harder for me to do the witty banter that I depend on to establish a good rapport.
Have you tried partaking on the okc forums. Might give you some hits when people see you posting on there as well
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Old 06-28-2010, 07:58 PM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 171

i'm in las vegas...I have little hope. Everyone here is either a serial monogamous, a mormon, a part of some orthodox religious section, or just really conservative. I'm pretty convinced funny, smart, and attractive poly men and women don't actually exist around me(j/k). I suppose opening your horizons to cali people is an option though. L.A is close to las vegas
-"There hasn't been a person i've been with that I didn't love for 10 seconds to 10 years." David Duchovny
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Old 06-28-2010, 07:59 PM
X-User1335 X-User1335 is offline
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Posts: 37
Default It's difficult to find someone.

My husband and I have learned that. But recentaly we've learned that sometimes it just comes out of the blue. When you least expect it, you really do find love!
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