Not sure what to do...

I've been invited to a nice restaurant with JP and J for J's birthday. I'm torn because while we are all great friends and I would love to celebrate her birthday with them, I'm not sure how I'll be when the situation is reversed and it's my birthday (which is just before their anniversary and his birthday). Help - am I overthinking this?
 
You have a need to know.

To alleviate the need, you could call them up and say something like:

Yes! I would love to celebrate her birthday with both of you! Thanks for inviting me!

Since we're on the subject of bdays, I note that my birthday is right before your anniversary and his birthday. Would we be planning and discussing celebration preferences for all these upcoming things at THIS date (her birthday celebration) or would we map that out at a later date?

While I'd like to know so I can get my calendar organized, I want to honor the birthday girl's preferences at THIS date since it is her special day. I always prefer to honor the bday person's preferences so I am really honored to be included in this year's bday fun! Thanks again.

Sometimes rather than what iffing a thing to pieces it is just easier to ASK. Set the precedent as "honoring the bday person and what their preferences are."

Not a precedent of "we all just celebrate together automatically."

Then see if you feel better.

HTH!
GG
 
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Do you know if you want her at your birthday yet? Or is that the dilemma?
 
Do you know if you want her at your birthday yet? Or is that the dilemma?

Um, why would you think the "situation" will automatically be "reversed" for your birthday? Why wouldn't you choose what you want to do and whom you want to be with for your own birthday? :confused:

I'd say it's more the first quote than the second. I don't know what I'm going to want to do in 3 months when my birthday will be coming up - but I'm fairly sure that while I may want to have some private time with JP, I will probably also want to have some celebrating time with both of them.

I'm still getting used to having a shared sweetie and am trying to not overthink and over worry since I am the secondary. Plus, while JP and J have pretty much always had a sexually open relationship, I'm the first "mistress" that he has brought home and that J has been friends with. We're all still figuring out how this will work - including our differing definitions/experiences with the term "FWB" and why it's positive for both of them and horribly negative for me.
 
I've been invited to a nice restaurant with JP and J for J's birthday. I'm torn because . . . I'm not sure how I'll be when the situation is reversed and it's my birthday . . . Help - am I overthinking this?

Yes, it would seem so.

II don't know what I'm going to want to do in 3 months when my birthday will be coming up

Well then, there's no need to worry or be "torn." If you want to make sure you get to do what you want, with whomever you want, then make plans in advance. If you're not into planning, then you could find yourself either stuck doing nothing, or in a situation you don't really want to be in. Either way, it isn't really worth worrying about, is it? I wouldn't think they'd expect you to invite them both to whatever you want to do. There's no rule that you have to, just because you were invited to hers. I mean, it's your birthday.
 
I'm still getting used to having a shared sweetie and am trying to not overthink and over worry since I am the secondary. Plus, while JP and J have pretty much always had a sexually open relationship, I'm the first "mistress" that he has brought home and that J has been friends with. We're all still figuring out how this will work - including our differing definitions/experiences with the term "FWB" and why it's positive for both of them and horribly negative for me.

Is there more background you could provide? A bit of relationship history maybe? You feel you're getting the short-end of the stick being the FWB/Secondary to JP? I guess I'm not certain how all this came about and maybe it would help to get more details.
 
Is there more background you could provide? A bit of relationship history maybe? You feel you're getting the short-end of the stick being the FWB/Secondary to JP? I guess I'm not certain how all this came about and maybe it would help to get more details.

JP and I became involved while I was living with my former primary partner E. I've posted about the demise of my relationship with E in a few other threads. Without going into too much detail, JP and his wife J have always had a sexually open relationship due in part to a large difference in sex drives and J has always held veto power. I will admit that I sometimes have insecurities with being a secondary where my metamour (and really good friend) has complete veto power. At any point, J could tell JP "no more" and his and my relationship would have to shift back to just being friends.

On the other hand, as far as I know, J has never become friends with any of the girls that JP has previously been involved with. She now refers to me openly (with our friends) as JP's "mistress" and encourages our communication - between her and I, between him and I, between her and him, and between all three of us.

6 months in to whatever it is that we're doing and it's pretty hard to describe - but overall it seems to be working. I do still worry about that veto - but it's something that she needs.
 
This has nothing to do with your birthday, but it's worth noting that "veto power" doesn't equal "ending existing relationships" power. Veto literally means preventing something before it happens.

My girlfriend and her husband have a veto agreement. But once a relationship is established, that veto power ends. He had the opportunity to tell her she couldn't start dating me, but now he can't tell her that she has to break up with me. That's one reason why meeting a new partner before things get serious is a major part of how they do poly.

Now, it could be that JP and J mean something else by "veto" and that they're just using the wrong word, or it could be that you misunderstood the meaning of veto. I, personally, would want to find out which one it is. I don't think I could be with someone whose partner has permission to send me packing.
 
I don't make a big deal out of birthdays. I usually spend them the same way I spend every day. So in my world, you're over-thinking this. But I'm also an over-thinker, so I can sympathize with that.

Myself, I would probably be worrying more that J is agreeing to have me there for JP's sake. Have you asked JP whether this was his idea or hers? Are her other close friends going to be there, or just you three?

Even though you don't know what you want to do for your birthday, you must have a gut reaction about whether or not you want J to be there. If you're more drawn to a one-on-one intimate type gathering, then you'll probably just want JP, and J should understand that. If you're the type to have a big bash with all your friends, then excluding J would be a bad idea.

I can see why you're worried about setting a precedent. That's why I like GG's suggestion of setting the precedent in terms of doing what the birthday girl/boy wants, as opposed to setting the precedent for all three of you. That leaves it wide open for you to decide down the road. It also gives J an elegant out if this isn't really her idea. And if there's any chance you won't want her at your birthday, make sure you make it clear to her that if she wants her birthday to be just her and JP, that you're completely okay with that.
 
Now, it could be that JP and J mean something else by "veto" and that they're just using the wrong word, or it could be that you misunderstood the meaning of veto. I, personally, would want to find out which one it is. I don't think I could be with someone whose partner has permission to send me packing.

Perhaps "veto" is not the best word, but our definition of it is that J can end an outside relationship that JP is involved in at any time. Like I said before, as far as I know all previous "relationships" that JP has had have only been of a sexual nature. We are still figuring out how this particular relationship is going. This may be something that J needs or may be something that will be renegotiated.

Myself, I would probably be worrying more that J is agreeing to have me there for JP's sake. Have you asked JP whether this was his idea or hers? Are her other close friends going to be there, or just you three?.

Inviting me was J's idea. The three of us are going to a nice restaurant for dinner. J does not have a lot of close friends and is not a very social person so she is not comfortable with large groups. We spend most weekends hanging out together.
 
So really, you're becoming more uncomfortable with J's position. She can say the word to JP and you might just be history. But in all fairness, you entered the relationship under those terms, so my guess is you're changing and becoming less accepting of the terms as the relationship matures. Well that's pretty understandable considering the type of veto power hanging over you. But have you told either J or JP that you're having second thoughts about your place in the relationship? If it's starting to become awkward you might want to explain to the both o them how the disparity of power makes you feel. Maybe it's time as mentioned in an earlier post for you to assert more control in the future of the relationship.
 
So really, you're becoming more uncomfortable with J's position. She can say the word to JP and you might just be history. But in all fairness, you entered the relationship under those terms, so my guess is you're changing and becoming less accepting of the terms as the relationship matures. Well that's pretty understandable considering the type of veto power hanging over you. But have you told either J or JP that you're having second thoughts about your place in the relationship? If it's starting to become awkward you might want to explain to the both o them how the disparity of power makes you feel. Maybe it's time as mentioned in an earlier post for you to assert more control in the future of the relationship.

First, I'd like to make it clear that I'm actually not usually uncomfortable with J's position or find it awkward. I typically look at it as any relationship can end on one person's word - granted, it usually isn't a 3rd person, but still. :) This is a new relationship with a new dynamic - at this point we are all learning how this will work for the three of us with a LOT of communication on all tiers (thanks GG for your poly math on another thread).
 
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JP and I became involved while I was living with my former primary partner E. I've posted about the demise of my relationship with E in a few other threads. Without going into too much detail, JP and his wife J have always had a sexually open relationship due in part to a large difference in sex drives and J has always held veto power. I will admit that I sometimes have insecurities with being a secondary where my metamour (and really good friend) has complete veto power. At any point, J could tell JP "no more" and his and my relationship would have to shift back to just being friends.

On the other hand, as far as I know, J has never become friends with any of the girls that JP has previously been involved with. She now refers to me openly (with our friends) as JP's "mistress" and encourages our communication - between her and I, between him and I, between her and him, and between all three of us.

6 months in to whatever it is that we're doing and it's pretty hard to describe - but overall it seems to be working. I do still worry about that veto - but it's something that she needs.

This is a tad off topic, but do you find it acceptable to be called his "mistress" every where you go?? Is it only FWB? It sounds as though you might feel as if your not quite equal because your constantly reminded by what they say that your not...

Nancy
 
This is a tad off topic, but do you find it acceptable to be called his "mistress" every where you go?? Is it only FWB?

I'm ok with being the "mistress" :D The three of us have discussed it and we tend to agree with the definition of it as follows (found on Wikipedia):

...long-term female lover and companion who is not married to her partner; the term is used especially when her partner is married. The relationship generally is stable and at least semi-permanent; however, the couple does not live together openly. Also the relationship is usually, but not always, secret...

We have differing opinions, however, on what the term FWB means to each of us. JP and J both have positive definitions while I have had nothing but negative experiences with the use of that term - so we don't use that phrase to describe our relationship.
 
I'm ok with being the "mistress" :D The three of us have discussed it and we tend to agree with the definition of it as follows (found on Wikipedia):

...long-term female lover and companion who is not married to her partner; the term is used especially when her partner is married. The relationship generally is stable and at least semi-permanent; however, the couple does not live together openly. Also the relationship is usually, but not always, secret...

We have differing opinions, however, on what the term FWB means to each of us. JP and J both have positive definitions while I have had nothing but negative experiences with the use of that term - so we don't use that phrase to describe our relationship.


As long as your (and others) are ok with the terms being used, that's all that matters..
 
I can see SFM's point about accepting J's "termination power." Frankly, if JP has agreed to it, there isn't a lot she can do about it. I can also see how raising an objection to it now could backfire, making J feel like she's being ousted.

Whether or not SFM is fond of that possibility looming over her head, it's really there for any of us. While we may not have it as an official policy, most married people would tend to end the secondary relationship before the marriage. That's not to say it wouldn't come without a tremendous amount of resentment and anger... And I'm sure JP wouldn't go silently into that good night if J were to end the relationship. Whether or not J has that power "officially" I suspect JP would fight for his relationship. If J really put her foot down, I can't imaging JP not feeling resentment and anger over it.

So it's not like this power means that J could just on a whim throw SFM out the door, and that JP would just be like "Oh yeah, that's cool, I don't mind."
 
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