Wants a Poly Family

IrisAwakened

New member
Having been poly for the better part of a year, I am realizing some long term goals of mine. I want to work toward having a poly family, a multi-adult household. I mean, what is the future goal for most relationships that are deeply loving? I would think cohabitation would be a common thread, but maybe that is my social conditioning speaking. Either way, having my partners living with me really appeals to me. I would love for us all to live together and raise children together.

The issue is that I brought this up hypothetically to my husband last week and he thought it sounded reasonable. But when I talked about it last night he had no remembrance of that other talk and is pretty much against the whole idea. There are a lot of factors to consider on our side, like that he doesn't have one partner yet since becoming open to poly. I don't need to push this issue a ton, because it is still crazy early to consider it, but I guess I just want to know that it is a future possibility for my relationships.

Do any of you cohabitate with your poly partners and your primary together? Does anyone have children with both partners? (That sounds messy but I feel it would be a great bonding for the poly family. And I bet it happens)
 
Our poly family plans on moving in together as soon as possible, limited only by a couple logistics. In the meantime, we spend as much time together as possible and already raise our children together. We consider each other as co-primaries/equals in the relationship. And I'd love to have children with a second partner someday. That type of arrangement works great for us, better than living apart.
 
The terminology doesn't jibe with my definitions, I'm afraid.

For quite a few poly folks, a primary is a person with whom you live, and share day-to-day life decisions and raising a family (if that is your choice to do). So by them living with you, there are, by definition, primaries.

Having a legal document selecting one as a spouse doesn't have to change any of those facts.

I know quite a few triads that are in this sort of arrangement that are working very well, and I know they don't rank themselves as "primaries" and "other poly partners", and I don't think they would live together on that basis. Both of them are "V" relationships.
 
Agreeing with CDM. Primary/secondary status' in terms of upholding one particular relationship within many relationships sounds more like a cult than a poly dynamic to me. No one is better than another and no relationship is better than another to me.

I live with my husband, boyfriend and my child. We have done for about 18 months now. I don't consider my husband primary, other than we share finances and child rearing decisions. My boyfriend helps us raise our boy and is his guardian if something should happen to us. The balance of responsibility and commitment is even between all of us.

I wonder if your partner is struggling because he doesn't want to give up his primary role? Or maybe he just was half listening that day? Or maybe he just didn't get what you were suggesting?

It sounds like you have a long way to go before moving into a poly household dynamic. I have been poly for 17 years and when I married my husband it was with this goal we are fulfilling now in mind. That was 11 years ago. It took a long time, many relationships and experiences, much communication, adjusting, counseling, blah, blah, blah.... It was no small feat. You've mentioned this idea once, he forgot about it and now you mention it again you are frustrated? I think if I were you I would take a deep breath, give him a smile and start again. There is a world of stuff to get through before living with partners I would think.... enjoy the journey and don't worry about the destination. No one knows where the journey will bring you, so I wouldn't invest too much and just be pleasantly surprised and happy when you get there. :)
 
If I were you, I would set that discussion with your hubs on a back burner for a while. In another thread, you said your husband is very focused right now with a new business venture and you were feeling like seeing your bf twice a week wasn't often enough. I wonder how much of this desire to live together is connected to some impatience on your part or a need for more attention from your husband and lover.

Wait until you two have lived with your poly situation for at least a year, at the very minimum. Your husband is trying to get a business off the ground in a very tough economy - the last thing he probably wants to hear is that he should consider trying a new living situation and all the drama that that might bring up.


BTW, I don't think the idea of a big poly family or tribe cohabiting is a very common dream among polys, but it is out there. I think there are a few different demographics of poly people -- some do want the big house for their poly tribe to live in and share parenting, some are into living alone (solo poly) like I am, but probably most poly people (just my guess) prefer to keep a dyad arrangement and have outside relationships with peeps who live elsewhere. Just my take on it, from what I see. But that could have to do with age, background, and where these folks live.
 
I don't think the idea of a big poly family or tribe cohabiting is a very common dream among polys, but it is out there. I think there are a few different demographics of poly people -- some do want the big house for their poly tribe to live in and share parenting, some are into living alone (solo poly) like I am, but probably most poly people (just my guess) prefer to keep a dyad arrangement and have outside relationships with peeps who live elsewhere.

Chalk me up as one of those that loves the "one big happy family" type of arrangement. :D I'm open to independent dyad relationships as well (in fact, I'm hoping to start one soon!), but in my heart of hearts, I love the intimacy of a shared, group household.

Ultimately though, whatever kind of relationships you and your husband choose to pursue, both of you need to feel comfortable it. And it doesn't sound like he's comfortable (yet) with the idea of one big poly household. It's reasonable to tell him that you like the idea, but I wouldn't move forward until/unless both of you are 100% certain that's what you want. It's a big step, and it's hard enough for two people to move in with each other for the first time, let alone three (or more) people, with varying levels of history together, romantic and emotional attachment, etc.
 
Chalk me up as one of those that loves the "one big happy family" type of arrangement. :D I'm open to independent dyad relationships as well (in fact, I'm hoping to start one soon!), but in my heart of hearts, I love the intimacy of a shared, group household.

Me too! I used to live in an old victorian with 6 other women. That was a rooming situation, but I loved the bigness of it. How much better it would have been with lovers! and one of my fondest memories is from when I was living with two roommates, and my boyfriend had stayed over, and I'm pretty sure there were one or two more in the morning ~ we had a giant breakfast with all of us. I love a big happy family thing going on.
 
Some people want that, some don't, and it's so dependent anyway on the various personalities meshing. Although romantic to me originally, I realized all the drawbacks. I only have a child free standpoint of course, I know there are benefits when raising children.

Right now, I wouldn't mind living with my husband and another male partner (some hypothetical I-havent-met-yet one), but I wouldn't want to live with a female partner because they might want to have a say in the running of the house...they might want to paint the bathroom pink or buy kitchen towels with ugly fruit on it, or serve tofu on Wednesdays!

My husband also pointed out that if we even just had another guy live with us, that'd be two people instead of one who would be inviting partners and friends over, wanting to have BBQs, game nights, dinner parties - that means more activity and scheduling, and I'm an introvert who needs a good amount of time that's mellow and quiet in my house.

The more I thought about it the more I realized how complicated it gets sharing a household with more than two adults. Let's say I wanted to live with my boyfriend, that means if he is married his wife comes along and his other girlfriend stays over a night or two a week. If he's not then what happens if he wants to get married, do they stay or move elsewhere? If he stays because we enjoy seeing each other everyday, then his wife's partners will be around, and maybe she wants one of them to move in with us...maybe his wife gets uncomfortable seeing how close we are on a daily basis because she's the wife now and I'm "just the girlfriend" so it causes stress in the household...so on and so forth..I mean figuring out where to draw that line if it's not a poly-fidelity situation is not so easy.

Now I might like to live on the same block as somebody I dated, but the problem with multi partner cohabitation is that unless everybody is really happy about it and actively wants it, it's likely to cause problems for somebody, and I think the older people get, the less tolerant they can become of living with people who are not really compatible.
 
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I want to work toward having a poly family, a multi-adult household. I mean, what is the future goal for most relationships that are deeply loving? I would think cohabitation would be a common thread, but maybe that is my social conditioning speaking.

I can only speak for myself, but if my husband and I (we've lived together for about 17 years) for some reason or other would stop living together, I don' t think I'd ever move in with someone again. And a household with more than 2 adults sounds horrific to me :)
My husband is the only person I've ever met who understands my need for alone time. So many people take this personally where as for me, it's an almost physical need. (It is, btw, the reason I'm childfree).

So my ideal is to have very loving and committed relationships besides the one I have with my husband, but us all living together, is more of a nightmare that dream to me!
 
As I've gotten older, I've discovered I need more alone time, too. I would like some kind of large house, with lots of common space, but where everyone can have their own private retreat room too. And I'm all for child-free. I am not an introvert, but I am highly sensitive (which is a fairly fine line to walk). Too much alone time and I'm crazy; too much people time and I'm fried. I tend to err on the side of more alone.

and, in my fantasy, everyone shares and everyone helps. I have yet to find that reality.
 

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I can only speak for myself, but if my husband and I (we've lived together for about 17 years) for some reason or other would stop living together, I don' t think I'd ever move in with someone again. And a household with more than 2 adults sounds horrific to me :)
My husband is the only person I've ever met who understands my need for alone time. So many people take this personally where as for me, it's an almost physical need. (It is, btw, the reason I'm childfree).

So my ideal is to have very loving and committed relationships besides the one I have with my husband, but us all living together, is more of a nightmare that dream to me!

Haha, you sound just like me, except I'm a mom. I think my need for space and personal freedom is part of what is thrilling to watch my son become more and more independent as the days go by. I'll love him at every stage but once he started walking there was such cheer in my heart, lmao. And just the other day he grabbed the spoon out of my hand and began feeding himself, so you know I'm over the moon. :D

My husband's the exact opposite, hilariously.
 
Agreeing with CDM. Primary/secondary status' in terms of upholding one particular relationship within many relationships sounds more like a cult than a poly dynamic to me. No one is better than another and no relationship is better than another to me.



Hello :)

I'm having a lot of trouble understanding what you mean by this. Could you help a newbie out and explain? Thank you.
 
I'm having a lot of trouble understanding what you mean by this. Could you help a newbie out and explain? Thank you.

Not too hard to understand, so I'll chime in because I feel the same way...

She means that she doesn't subscribe to hierarchies in her relationships. She feels that elevating one person as primary and giving them more or higher status than other people with which one is involved sounds like a cult to her. In other words, there is not anyone she considers a primary, secondary, and so forth. She sees all her loves as equally important to her. That's how I view it, too. Egalitarian poly, no primaries, secondaries, or ranking of any kind. It's not necessary.

This was in response to CDM's statement that he knows "quite a few triads that... don't rank themselves as "primaries" and "other poly partners", and I don't think they would live together on that basis."
 
Anyone else think of Wulf and Arol Zendik at RP's cult mention? No? Well, at least I was amused.

I still think of "primary" as someone you live with and split the bills with... And I admit, I think of the person I split the water bill with as more important. It's an ugly, capitalistic view, and it's something I'm making myself look at and reevaluate. I'm on the fence for whether or not this is a "wrong" view.

Before we embark on something so serious as raising a child, I think we need to examine how our past brought us to this very moment and the surrounding belief system. It's not the lifestyle - It's the mindsets the lifestyle springs from. I've not been there on raising a poly family, but I've seen functional and dysfunctional families, and I assure you, they come in every style on the planet. It's the mind and intention behind them.
 
She sees all her loves as equally important to her. That's how I view it, too. Egalitarian poly, no primaries, secondaries, or ranking of any kind. It's not necessary.

If you begin dating someone new, perhaps someone you are still feeling out and possibly experiencing NRE with, do you place them on an equal status as, say, a spouse with whom you have shared your life for a decade? In this context, I would see the spouse as a primary partner, and the new lover as - something else, but definitely not primary. How do you see it?
 
Primary/secondary status' in terms of upholding one particular relationship within many relationships sounds more like a cult than a poly dynamic to me. No one is better than another and no relationship is better than another to me.

I'm having a lot of trouble understanding what you mean by this. Could you help a newbie out and explain?

When my wife first asked to open our marriage, she asked permission to pursue a romantic relationship with someone as her secondary, in other words, that her soon-to-be-OSO wouldn't interfere from a time standpoint, and that our marriage would always come first.

But I really didn't want that. If two people loved each other and were truly committed to each other, then I didn't want that relationship to have the stigma of being "secondary" to anything. So I invited her OSO to be a full member of the family, an equal and "co-primary", and we're now a committed poly "V" family. I highly recommend it! :D

That said, I recognize that even our current relationship, open as it is, has certain limits. For example, my wife and I maintain separate finances and property from her OSO. I honestly struggled with that, because I felt we should combine finances for the good of everyone in the family... equal means equal in all respects. But I'm not aware of other poly families that do this (other than "cults" ;)), so I backed down on it... for now.

Having been poly for a little while (I'm still relatively new at at), I now have a greater appreciation for the primary/secondary/tertiary nomenclature for those that use it. I don't see it as "cult" behavior but rather a simple mechanism for managing expectations on time and decision making. I've met a couple poly groups where this distinction (primary vs. secondary) was essental for them to work. I suspect it's more relevant for certain types of poly relationships, such as (a) multiple independent pair-bonded relationships or (b) large poly networks, but not (c) mid-sized intimate group-oriented poly families.

As for me, I prefer the approach of being "equals", but I'm also fine with being a secondary with someone if that's more appropriate for them. That's one of the wonderful things about polyamory... being open to the right type of relationship for the situation, whatever that may be.

If you begin dating someone new, perhaps someone you are still feeling out and possibly experiencing NRE with, do you place them on an equal status as, say, a spouse with whom you have shared your life for a decade? In this context, I would see the spouse as a primary partner, and the new lover as - something else, but definitely not primary. How do you see it?

That's a good point and perhaps a clash on nomenclature. In the mono world, there's a definite level progression:

Dating > "items" > bf/gf > exclusive > living together > engaged > married/significant others > parents > poly :rolleyes:

I'm a level 40 hubby mage. ;)

Perhaps the term "primary" doesn't really apply until the relationship with a new love interest is established, e.g. considered an OSO (other significant other) as opposed to just a date, fwb/lover, or bf/gf? I don't know... haven't really thought about it. Either way, it helps to be specific on how to share time between partners (including new dates), possibly to the point of mapping out days/times on a shared calendar. Granted, that's not very romantic, but it's where the rubber meets the road (no pun intended :D).

As a side note, I can conceive of situations where a married couple may prefer to have their marriage be secondary, and new partners as primary. For example, they might stay together to raise their family, still love each other, even be physically intimate, but (e.g. due to changes in sexual orientation) seek other relationships. I've seen this occur with at least one couple that's currently exploring polyamory.
 
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If you begin dating someone new, perhaps someone you are still feeling out and possibly experiencing NRE with, do you place them on an equal status as, say, a spouse with whom you have shared your life for a decade? In this context, I would see the spouse as a primary partner, and the new lover as - something else, but definitely not primary. How do you see it?

Well, there is always a "getting to know you" phase in the beginning. But that does not make a new lover less important, or less worthy than an already-established one. If I have a spouse and start to date someone else, why should I make my spouse "primary?" Just so I can have a convenient excuse to ditch the new guy? Everyone in my life is important. There isn't more important or less important.

An egalitarian approach just means I would not favor one partner over the other. Of course, each relationship is managed on its own merits, and each lover is special in their own unique way, just not in comparison to whatever else I have going on or whoever else is in my life.

For managing time and calendars, it's first come, first served. If I have plans with a lover, an existing lover doesn't get to trump those plans and insist I go with him. No pecking order.

SchrodingersCat said it really well in another thread:
SchrodingersCat said:
Yes, I'm married. Yes, we share finances and a household. Yes, that means I have obligations and commitments to him. I also have obligations and commitments to school, to my parents, to my best friend and her son... And if I get into a serious relationship with someone else, I will have obligations and commitments to them. And triage will go thusly: who's having the bigger crisis right now and needs my time and attention most, at this moment?

It does not mean that I have already decided, a priori, that all my future relationships will be "less important." It does not mean that anyone will ever be considered disposable, simply by virtue of not being my spouse. I didn't roll that way when I was single, why would that change now?


...I never claimed that primary and secondary relationships were not different. They are very much different. I have explicitly chosen to reject the implications of those differences by deliberately avoiding the labels of primary and secondary.

For example, suppose my "secondary" is having a major crisis like her mom just died, and my "primary" needs to talk about a bad day at work. The "primary/secondary" model implies that my primary's needs come before my secondary's needs, regardless of the severity or immediacy of those needs.

I prefer relationship triage. So: if you come into my hospital, I really don't give a hoot if you've sprained your ankle, Mr. President, I'm going to treat the homeless guy bleeding profusely from his 3" stab wound first.


...Sharing my finances and housing with a person does not, to me, constitute "my whole life." I still have my career, my friends, my alone-time, my hobbies, not to mention my other romances. These are all parts of "my whole life" and none of them include my husband.

When I meet people who "share everything" I make a "yuck" face.

Really, the only "point" of poly relationships, and the only thing to "get" is: Can you be in love with more than one person, yes or no? Honestly, that's what it all boils down to. The rest is mechanics.

Like I said: primary/secondary is not *for me*... every person deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. It is not respectful or kind to tell someone that their feelings are unimportant simply because they don't match up with the feelings of someone else.

I like to let every relationship grow in its own way. To me, using a label of "secondary" means that I'm putting limits on the way that relationship is allowed to grow. It's like keeping fish in a small tank: it will limit the size to which they can grow, even though they're biologically capable of growing much larger.
 
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Well then. I don't have much more to add that hasn't been added.

In my life I have a primary relationship with my husband due to our having birthed a son together, having a house together, having a joint account and debt together... etc. I do not see him as more of an emotional priority over my other partners at all. He absolutely is not my focus in my relationship life. I am my focus.

Without the relationship I have with myself I would have nothing and would of accomplished nothing. I am successful because I have a good relationship with myself. It directly translates evenly to everyone I chose to have in my life. If I am not doing well I am my biggest concern.

Next focus is that of my son. Its my responsibility to raise him to adulthood. Everyone else comes next and I must work with them to achieve the best possible scenario for all of us. I always remember what I give out is what I get back. It keeps me connected to those around me and has given me the biggest potential to get my needs met and to give to others....

I am not saying that primary/secondary relationships are all like cults... just that in some cases there are inklings of hierarchy, manipulation, coercion and control in a cult like fashion. Have a look at this thread and tell us what you think. :) I decided that the topic warranted its own thread.
 
Who are they? :confused:

They're a ker-razy couple who formed a cult - They'd beat members with razor wire for having conversations that weren't high brow enough - They restricted sex, had "box checks" for women before sex, had "road warriors" who harassed hot women at concerts to get new members... Basically, it was a way for Wulf to bang hot 19 year olds under the whole hippie love thing... You'll still see Zendik bumper stickers that say, "Stop bitching and start a revolution," which is a quote from Wulf's book, Don't Go.

Wulf passed away some odd years ago, but Arol is alive, and her nutso daughter is now running the cult - In 25 years, the only children born there have been the offspring of Fawn, Wulf and Arol's only child. They have a website, but I have a friend who was a member and had some interesting stories about her experience.
 
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