The Struggling Mono Thread

Vodkafan I think you are pretty amazing. Are you are confirmed mono or do you think you'd like to find someone else at some stage? I don't think if Z wanted to start living part of the time with someone else I would handle it at all well. I'd have to find someone else, I wouldn't want to live alone even for 3 days a week. He'd love his SO to come and live with us, I could handle that better.

I agree, amazing, I too wouldn't be good with the alone for 3 days thing either.
 
Vodkafan I think you are pretty amazing. Are you are confirmed mono or do you think you'd like to find someone else at some stage? I don't think if Z wanted to start living part of the time with someone else I would handle it at all well. I'd have to find someone else, I wouldn't want to live alone even for 3 days a week. He'd love his SO to come and live with us, I could handle that better.

Thanks for the compliment Sage and Redpepper, I don't think I am amazing just an ordinary guy. In fact my wife is amazing, I see how hard she is working all the time to make this work.

My wife and I had the conversation about whether I wanted to find someone else. In theory she agreed that I should have the same opportunity as her but she was very relieved when I told her I did not want that. I have examined myself and think I am hard wired mono. I don't see the point in splitting the time I have with her even further by looking around for something that to me, would not be worth the effort I would have to put in. Another woman would always be "secondary".
Where love is concerned, I like all my eggs in one basket, I want to give her 100% of me.
Actually Polyandry works out a much better deal for all of us because my wife works that much harder to please her two guys, and we all have security. That's the way we feel.
The 3 days are not too much of an issue because I now get the chance to get to know my kids better than I did before. I have become a better parent.
She gets the chance to work quite intensely on each relationship in turn. It is also exciting when we get to see each other again after 3 days. It reminds me of when I was a teenager, waiting to see a girlfriend again.
Another tangible benefit is that we argue much less, we can have a discussion about some aspect and find a solution within minutes. Arguments now have a beginning, middle and an end. Then we move on.

The fact is that I did this because my wife is worth sharing. I would not do it for anyone else.
 
Struggling Mono Poetry

Hi all, I just found these again.
These are my own poems, written in the first two weeks of becoming a V, and when I was overwhelmed by everything. I wrote them for myself to get my feelings out; my wife never saw them.
I don't know if they will be of interest to anyone; I don't feel that way any more. They are just a snapshot of feelings in a time of change.

You Are

You are their father
You said
Nobody else can be that.
You are the best
You should be proud.

You are my best friend
You said
That hasn't changed.
We have done so much
And its true we still laugh.

You are still my lover
You say
I still want you
You say
But only when I ask
And sometimes you look away
As if I ask too much.


You Broke

You broke my heart
The pieces you hold in your hands
Held together now only by
Your kiss
Your smile
Your words
Too fragile by far my heart
I never knew till now.
I want to trust
You know I do
To believe in you
And build us anew
But
Your love seems to run and hide
From me
When I need to see it most.
What am I to you?
I don't know anymore.

:D
 
Kat's story

Hi. I’m new to the forum. I posted a short intro already. However I want to tell more of my story over here because I suspect I am a struggling mono!

I am a female mono in a mono/poly. I am super new to poly. My BF is beginning to explore a new crush. Until now we had been monogamous. We've been together for 1 1/2 years.

Although I had an idea that he had extraordinary needs, we had not discussed it until recently. As a mono, it's difficult to see a poly when he's being monogamous with you!

Anyhow, a few days ago he asked me to let him be himself (poly). We have an awesome relationship. I love him to pieces. How could I ask him to deny his nature? So I cried. Then we talked. And we cuddled. And I remembered that what we have is special and only he or I can make it less special; no one outside of our relationship can take it away. He and I are committed to each other - not out of need, but out of want.

So, there's this chick he's diggin' on. They are not an item yet, but they hope to be. She is also poly, coming out of a breakup with a BF she had been with for a while.

I have not met her yet. I hope to meet with her in the next couple of days. My BF is setting it up for us.

I should back up a bit. When my BF came initially came to me with this I was devastated. I cried for days. I stopped eating. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t work. I had never even heard of polyamory! I had always been clear that I was searching for a life partner. His revelation seemed to run counter to my needs.

Through my hysterics and grief, my BF comforted me. He reminded me that he loves me, that I am special to him and that my happiness is important to him. He asked me to please try this for him. He promised to be supportive, attentive, kind and loving. He even offered to go to couples counseling if I thought it would be helpful. And above all, he reassured me that he would remain monogamous with me if I couldn’t/wouldn’t allow him to be polyamorous.

Well, I have to at least try! He is too super-wonderful for me to not even try!

So I searched my heart and opened my mind. I scoured the Internet to try to figure out what this poly stuff is really all about. I discovered that poly is as varied as the people who adopt it. So I went back to my BF and asked him how he would like to be poly.

He and I are his primary romantic relationship. I have no desire for another romantic relationship. He would like to add a secondary relationship. That sounds nice and neat, right? But how does that really work with real people? I don’t know yet. I guess I’m about to find out.

All I know for sure is that I was wrong when I thought that going poly means I don’t get to have a life partner. If I’m really lucky, going poly may mean that I get two (or more) life partners!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not completely naive. I know that his crush may turn out to be short-lived. Even if it isn’t, there is no guarantee that we (me and OGF) will be friends – nor have I made that a requirement. His relationship with her is just that – His relationship with her.

I am very grateful that he and I had a year and a half to build a solid foundation in monogamy before we ventured off into polyamory.

Wish me luck!
 
Kat I have high hopes for you!!
You are starting off in a much better frame of mind and situation than I did.
God bless Kat and all who sail in her! May all your sticking points be small ones. :D
 
I had always been clear that I was searching for a life partner. His revelation seemed to run counter to my needs.

All I know for sure is that I was wrong when I thought that going poly means I don’t get to have a life partner. If I’m really lucky, going poly may mean that I get two (or more) life partners!

Poly certainly doesn't have to mean no life-partner. It can mean multiple life partners.
I like your attitude.
;)
 
Hi Kat

I agree with all that has been said. It sounds like you're emotionally intelligent (which I consider necessary for polyamorous relationships of any kind to work) and that he's doing all the right things and making all the right noises.

You will hit stormy seas; jealousy's a bitch. I would suggest that you ask them to start very slowly; dating first before any sleepovers and then one night at a time. If she is poly she should know the drill "go at the pace of the most fragile party", which is you.

Read everything you can, keep posting here(it normalizes your situation and gives you positive role models) and DO NOT talk to any mono people about your situation until you are feeling well and truly grounded in it and can do so from a position of strength.

Good luck and keep us posted.
 
I will keep you all up-to-date on how we're doing. I really appreciate the support I've found here. Thank you :)
 
You will hit stormy seas; jealousy's a bitch. I would suggest that you ask them to start very slowly; dating first before any sleepovers and then one night at a time.

:rolleyes: shit sage is that how you are supposed to do it? Everything for us was completely opposite. Lol.:D

Good advice though.
 
;) Yes VF it definitely is, anything less is just NRE selfishness.

Sorry grumpy this morning. OSO is staying and it's making me a bit sad. Don't quite know why, I was fine yesterday and everything is going "swimmingly"
Maybe it's going a little too well and I sense the boundaries are going to be pushed out further to accommodate the OSO's growing confidence.

I've just been reading some posts on yahoo where monos struggle with the reaction of other people seeing their poly partner in action in the big wide world and feel pitied. I don't know how I'd handle that and I suppose it's like, "here we go again, something else to deal with":p
 
Sorry grumpy this morning. OSO is staying and it's making me a bit sad. Don't quite know why, I was fine yesterday and everything is going "swimmingly"
Maybe it's going a little too well and I sense the boundaries are going to be pushed out further to accommodate the OSO's growing confidence.

It really makes a difference when someone is in your space. I have a really hard time with having my husband's OSO in my space as well. Make sure you're voicing your boundaries and that you have somewhere to go to escape if it gets to be too much in the moment. <hugs>
 
It really makes a difference when someone is in your space. I have a really hard time with having my husband's OSO in my space as well. Make sure you're voicing your boundaries and that you have somewhere to go to escape if it gets to be too much in the moment. <hugs>

I admire you two girls. The big difference for me is that OHb is never in my space nor I in his; my wife spends time in each place. I suspect that is why I SEEM to have adjusted so fast.
A whole raft of feelings I have sidestepped, other monos are dealing with daily. In your situation I might be a blubbering basket case. :rolleyes:
 
Thanks Derby it's good to know even poly people feel like this. I'm also trying to be careful to figure out if my malaise is really about J or something else.
We really do co-habit very well and as eventual co-habitation is Z's goal I feel like I do need to stay aware of my feelings.

It's the little things that upset me. Seemingly stupid little things like Z hasn't had a glass of wine here at home with me in so long I can't remember the last time. But with J here he all of a sudden wants to be included as if she makes it a special enough occasion, whereas I don't.

Also his kids are here (11 and 12). He doesn't want to tell them because it would make things very difficult with his ex. I could be imagining it but I think they suspect something and they're being extra nice to me as if they feel sorry for me.
Z was having a cuddle in J's room this morning and his son saw him come out. Son says "How long have you been in there?."

It's all a matter of adjusting but it's good to have somewhere to share it.
 
:)VF our posts collided.

While there are always going to be challenges whether the other party is in your space or not , I would much rather have J here than have Z go away to be with her at her place. The latter involves a plane flight and a ferry ride and he has to go for at least three or four days to make it worthwhile.

Have you met your wife's bf?
 
@sage, I think its time for the talk by what you've said. Ex or not, the kids aren't stupid and he is starting to disrespect them by keeping them in the dark. They could be having some major feelings about what they are witnessing and need to understand in order to feel comfortable. They are old enough to discuss what they should or shouldn't say to their mother no?
 
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