Question for monos: What do you get out of it?

Chesterwalnut

New member
My wife and I have been married for 20+years. She has also had a boyfriend for the last year and a half. Although he lives an hour and a half away, they get together every other week or so.
Their relationship started at my encouragement. I was consumed with fantasies of my wife's sexual exploits and she enjoyed experiencing falling in love again. As this relationship has matured, I have changed from being her confidant and advisor, to being at best disinterested.
Recently our councelor asked me what do I get out of their relationship? Luckily it was the end of the hour because I had no idea. Any thoughts?
 
I think you're the only one who can answer what you get out of your wife's relationship with her boyfriend. The rest of us aren't in your head, so we can't know what aspects of that relationship you find beneficial.

For my husband, who is monogamous, based on what he's said in the past, my other relationships give him the knowledge that I'm happy and cared for, which is important to him. They also give him the opportunity for alone time, which he values. And they give him the reassurance that if something were to happen to him (which is a concern; his job isn't the safest), I wouldn't be left entirely alone.
 
Hello Chesterwalnut,

I guess more me time is one of the benefits for a mono. I know that sounds strange. Another thought is, you don't have to "be everything" for your wife if there's someone else who brings something different to the table. So, that potentially takes some of the pressure off you. And you get to enjoy the company of a happy/satisfied wife. None of these sound like huge benefits I know. There's also the idea that you're living true to your beliefs -- if you believe that freedom is important in a relationship. You are honoring your wife's freedom. That may give you a feeling of accomplishment.

I assume that your counselor wanted to know of your "selfish" benefits, rather than altruistic benefits such as wanting to please your wife. But if pleasing her is pleasurable to you, then that is a benefit as well.

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I get a partner who can be himself. Trying to cut polyamory out of his personality seems akin to castration. I love the man as he is - which sounds cliche, so maybe it's more accurate say that I also see the upsides of the very same personality traits that lead him to seek multiple relationships.
 
Weird way for counselor to ask. I would have said "What do you get out of participating in this network?"

Asking "what do you get out of their relationship?" is weird to me because I am not in that relationship over there.

Like asking me what I get out of my parent's marriage. (Nothing, it is not my relationship.)

Asking me what I get out of participating in a family where the parents are married -- alright. I can answer that. I AM included in the larger circle.

I think you have to answer it for yourself. If I had to guess what a mono get out of being in the network? It would be mixed bag stuff.

  • You get to be in the larger network -- which could be good or bad. Sometimes having a larger network is PITA -- more people to deal with. It's not always rainbows.
  • You get to see a different side of your spouse -- which could be good or bad. Sometimes you see sides you don't like. Again, not always rainbows.
  • You don't get to assume first dibs on her free time -- which could be good or bad.
  • You get extra time to do your own things -- which could be good or bad.

And so on.

It depends. Because everyone is different, and values different things.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you all for your responses. It is so helpful to hear that I am not the only person living through these experiences. I guess I may have misrepresented how the question came up. We were talking about how my feelings have changed toward her seeing him, and how I really only feel sad about it now. Previously, I had been full of compersion; often being the main driver of them getting and staying together. Within the last couple of months I have started feeling insecure and believed I was being replaced. I have worked through that but am still pretty raw and much less compassionate towards him in particular.
It was in this context that our councilor stated that with this type of relationship if one of the people have only negative feelings about it; it will never work.
We are still working on what exactly our "larger network" looks like. I think the boyfriend and I need to develop our relationship more, but my wife is leary.
My wife and I have been together a long time. Our grooves run deep. For the most of the last decade I was pretty depressed and isolated. My wife was my connection to the world. I no longer live that way, but I am still pretty dependant on her.
 
Hi Chesterwalnut,

I'm sorry you're struggling. As another mono (so far) with my partner's other relationship becoming more entrenched, and a history of some measure of codependence with my partner, I'd say one thing that helps a lot is establishing my own independence. Having a mutual supportive network of my own friends, and making good use of my time alone to pursue things I love keeps me centred and much more generously disposed.
 
My wife and I have been married for 20+years. She has also had a boyfriend for the last year and a half. Although he lives an hour and a half away, they get together every other week or so.
Their relationship started at my encouragement. I was consumed with fantasies of my wife's sexual exploits and she enjoyed experiencing falling in love again. As this relationship has matured, I have changed from being her confidant and advisor, to being at best disinterested. Recently our councelor asked me what do I get out of their relationship? Luckily it was the end of the hour because I had no idea. Any thoughts?

I don't self identify as mono or believe humans as a species are mono, and therefore I can't offer you anything from that perspective. But hopefully you'll find something of value anyway. This answer is dependent on the assumption that you self-identify as mono and your partner self-identifies as poly ( not merely as non-monogamous ).

If your partner self-identifies as poly, then there should be an interrelatedness between you and your wife and her partner. That interrelatedness can be beneficial because it provides a third level of support within the relationship as a whole. Also, if you wife is poly it should mean that other love interests don't mean discarding you. That is much better than the forced break-ups of typical mono relationships. In other words you benefit from increased relationship stability.

So that's two things right away. The other thing is that her happiness should matter. In other words you should be getting satisfaction from knowing she is also happier because she has the freedom to be herself rather than repressing her inner world. That in-turn should mean you are able to communicate more fully and honestly with ach other. Those things are also of tremendous value.

On the other hand, if there's no interrelatedness and little added communication, then she's swinging back and forth between him and you, leaving you feeling during those times like you're being excluded. That's not what poly is about ( regardless of what the self-serving naysayers here or anywhere else say ). If that's the case, then you're in another type of situation, more like a simple open relationship, which in principle is diametrically opposite to legal marriage, and I'd be wondering much of the same things you are. I imagine that being married affords you both a certain amount of legal rights that are generally taken for granted. Perhaps there's still some benefit in that?
 
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Welcome to the board! You should find much benefit here. Becoming involved in polyamory can be a lonely place, since it's still a rare relationship style in our culture and has been for several thousand years, in Western culture at least.

When I was newly starting to put my toes in the poly waters back in 1999, I also wondered what I was getting out of it after a short infatuation phase. New relationship energy (NRE) is a powerful drug. If you've been mono a long time, it can be very exciting, extremely exciting, sexually. You got sexual gratification from "hot wifing..." The idea of your wife having sex with another man, and having her tell you about the sex, can be a lot of fun for some men. You didn't have NRE for another person, you had NRE for the situation. And your wife seemed like a new woman, and hotter to you, since you knew another man had been sexually enjoying her. It gave you a new perspective on her. Sort of a voyeuristic thrill.

Now your NRE for hot wifing has faded. Your wife has established a relationship with the other guy, and having her tell you about it has started to make you feel loss... which can cause jealousy, loneliness. My example: When my ex husband and I started poly, we were unicorn hunters. I was bi and we'd been mono 20 years, but suddenly he decided my bisexuality meant he could get a threeway, possibly. We found a woman, and she indicated she wanted both of us, but soon it became apparent she was only interested in him. I had no time or energy for seeking another partner (either male or female) and suddenly we were in a mono/poly situation. I wondered, well! What am I getting out of this now? Less time with my husband. And he was less available for the children, home care, pet care, car maintenance etc etc.

I went from feeling excited I was going to get to be with a woman, to feeling like my husband's mom, getting the house ready for the gf to come visit, or helping him pack to go off to her place for the weekend. Not fun at all. Long story short, we ended all that, we divorced, and later he ended up with her.

But since my divorce, I've been with a poly partner. A woman. We are both poly, we both have bfs. We've been together 9 years.

But I can still answer your question. Even if I am "getting my jollies" with my bf, I do have benefits from my gf having one of her own. More time to myself. Knowing she is being appreciated and loved! I know how lovable she is, and enjoy knowing someone else sees what I see. Plus, we are both bi so i know she gets benefits from a male, things I can't provide.

But we do poly right. We talk constantly, kiss hug cuddle have sex. Date each other. Share projects. Travel. Cook. Share TV shows and movies, talk about them. Read books and talk about them. Do home projects and crafts. Talk about news, current events, politics, our friends and families. We are very tight. We are interdependent, though, not codependent. We both have hobbies of our own, and platonic friends of our own. We take vacations and trips together sometimes, and other times alone, to see our families or friends.

It's important to keep it all in balance. I hear that you're no longer getting the same gratification you got out of it originally. But of course, it wouldn't be fair to your wife or her OSO to veto it now. That would just be selfish. Could even ultimately lead to divorce.

I think you continue with therapy and self growth so you can altruistically enjoy your wife's happiness. And hopefully you can move from codependence to interdepedence. It's good you're aware of being too tightly enmeshed. Our culture encourages and almost demands romantic partners be each others' "everything." But actually, that is not really very healthy. There are a lot of great people out there. Why spend all your free time with just one of them?
 
... Becoming involved in polyamory can be a lonely place, since it's still a rare relationship style in our culture and has been for several thousand years, in Western culture at least. ...
Several thousand years appears to be an overestimation of the prevalence of monogamy. From the digging I've done on the subject it was primarily ancient Roman decrees from a couple of hundred years B.C. that got it started and then Roman Christianity spread it northward into Europe and from there across the ocean. It was largely to preserve paternal order and increase the civilian population, at least in part to produce more sword and shield bearing foot soldiers. It was also not very fair to women who according to one paper on the subject could be put to death for adultery. From there women continued to be owned by men for the primary purpose of child bearing. IMO the whole wretched institution should have been scrapped.

Instead it was glamorized and Disneyfied in order to fulfill much of the same purpose in North America; settlement and reproduction. Historically most cultures have been non-monogamous and Rome was the exception even at the time. However it also had a powerful influence on Western culture. So there's a historical tidbit. But it in no way diminishes your point, which I completely agree with. It's yet another fine post!
 
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Several thousand years appears to be an overestimation of the prevalence of monogamy. From the digging I've done on the subject it was primarily ancient Roman decrees from a couple of hundred years B.C. that got it started and then Roman Christianity spread it northward into Europe and from there across the ocean. It was largely to preserve paternal order and increase the civilian population, at least in part to produce more sword and shield bearing foot soldiers. It was also not very fair to women who according to one paper on the subject could be put to death for adultery. From there women continued to be owned by men for the primary purpose of child bearing. IMO the whole wretched institution should have been scrapped.

Instead it was glamorized and Disneyfied in order to fulfill much of the same purpose in North America; settlement and reproduction. Historically most cultures have been non-monogamous and Rome was the exception even at the time. However it also had a powerful influence on Western culture. So there's a historical tidbit. But it in no way diminishes your point, which I completely agree with. It's yet another fine post![/FONT][/SIZE]

I should have said, many cultures allowed polygyny under the patriarchy. Some still do. It's polyandry, or polygamy/polyamory across the board, that was outlawed under the patriarchy. Modern polyamory is the result of feminism and the loss of grip Christianity is undergoing currently. And about time.

Of course the first book of Genesis (probably written down 700 BCE) says Eve should only desire her husband and he should rule over her (her curse). Says nothing about Adam only desiring Eve.
 
I should have said, many cultures allowed polygyny under the patriarchy. Some still do. It's polyandry, or polygamy/polyamory across the board, that was outlawed under the patriarchy. Modern polyamory is the result of feminism and the loss of grip Christianity is undergoing currently. And about time.
Your point was well made regardless of the details. But it's advantageous at times to know the details too. It's all rather murky, but from what I've seen so far, those who cling to the idea that monogamy is our "natural" state ( hardwired in so to speak ), have consistently had a background in or closely associated with one of the chief institutions responsible for it ( church or state ) and mostly some Abrahamic ( Christian ) church. The one exception I ran across was an atheist historian, but on listening to him, it became readily apparent that one doesn't need either religious or political reasons to possess a mono bias. Socialization affects everyone, and he was simply in a state of denial.
Of course the first book of Genesis (probably written down 700 BCE) says Eve should only desire her husband and he should rule over her (her curse). Says nothing about Adam only desiring Eve.
Yes, Another totally gender biased hypocritical double-standard on the part of those behind all that doctrine. Notice I didn't say "on the part of men" because I don't think it's inherently gender based. We can thank Morning Glory for her progressive individualism as well as her life partner Oberon who was in complete agreement with her for establishing the ground rules for what we call polyamory today. There's still the myth out there that it was created by men to give them an excuse for cheating ( eye-roll ).
 
polyamory [is] still a rare relationship style in our culture and has been for several thousand years, in Western culture at least.
Several thousand years appears to be an overestimation of the prevalence of monogamy.
Nope, I didn't get THAT at all.

Magdlyn stated that polyamory is rare. IME, this is true, even if it's "polyamory" thar encompasses most forms of nonmonogamy.

The "sacred dyad" archetype has certainly been around for thousands of years, & worldwide at that, probably since the time that protohumans developed enough awareness to grasp the cause-&-effect sequence of sexual reproduction. Denying this would be like denying electricity is valid because it offers only positive & negative current. :eek:

However, the "sacred dyad" stuff was generally an expression of religious mythology. Naturally, royalty (being "appointed From Above" & such nonsense) wentthrough the motions if only to keep up appearances. All that pops to mind this second is Wicca (Cernunnos & Aradia) & Shinto (Izanagi-no-Mikoto & Izanami-no-Mikoto, & maybe Amaterasu & Tsukiyomi as well), but anyone can find more.

Even the profane dyad has the advantage of being the second-smallest societal building block past individuality. The fact is that there's plenty of squarely nonmonogamous people who hold to a dyad, maybe present often as a couple, & might even be legally married.

By "the prevalence of monogamy," I'm guessing you're actually referring to general Monogamism, where the "sacred dyad" is fully enshrined with all the foofaraw about "forever" & "none others" & all that claptrap.
 
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