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  #511  
Old 08-24-2018, 12:22 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I haven't posted in forever. Updates!

The new medications are working wonders in most ways, except they have made my period miserable. Well... kind of miserable. I was kind of taken by surprise this "month" (I've never been regular) since my period wasn't preceded by about a week of depression. But this has been the most painful period I've had since getting my first IUD placed, and it turns out this medication has "period changes" as a side effect. As well as this medication is working, I'll weather it out, but I wish having your uterus removed was just a thing you could go in for and didn't have a super long recovery process, etc etc etc. I don't want the damn thing.

My oldest cat is showing signs of early kidney disease, so we're trying to get him on wet food. My oldest cat is also the weirdest cat in the universe and hates wet food. Piggy cat (who hasn't been the little cat years) doesn't mind that the older cat doesn't like wet food. So they wait patiently by the bathroom door to exchange positions, with old cat going for the dry food and piggy cat slinking in for the wet. Quite frustrating, but short of confining the cats from each other or to separate areas of the house, I can't think of anything more to do about it. And I think confining either of the cats would be heartbreaking for both of them, since they're close, and for whoever ends up getting less time with the humans. So that just isn't on the table. As it is, I'm hoping to just find a food that old cat likes so that he'll eat more than a few bits of it it before they do the switch.

Things with Guitarist are okay. Having that huge talk really helped. We had a second talk about how overwhelmed he feels right now, and how he feels like he's a constant disappointment to me, which I reassured him he isn't. You'd think he'd remember that we started dating when he was unemployed, I knowingly married a musician, and we bought a house that was half the cost of what the banks approved us for so that theoretically one person could handle the mortgage. I just can't handle the mortgage and all of the house and yard work that goes along with home ownership. I literally cannot be responsible for everything for an indefinite period. But it's no longer an indefinite period. Once he gets in to the actual psychiatrist, we'll be even farther on the path to getting him sorted out than we are with him seeing a therapist. So he's just in a holding pattern until we can get him on medication. It's the best he can do, and I understand how sometimes getting up in the morning and getting out of bed can take everything you have. Been there, done that. As long as he's willing to get and follow through on treatment (and so far he has been), I'm willing to give it time. It's not my ideal situation, but it's also not as horribly stressful as when he was depressed but not doing anything about it.

The new medication definitely helps me keep things in perspective. It's like someone has thrown a switch, which has set me back to my manageable level of anxiety.

Things with Flame are okay. He's entering one of those phases where he doesn't talk much to me because he's just busy with life and friends and things, and I miss him during these times. I'm trying not to imagine it as him feeling hurt that I've recently stopped playing a game we both were playing together. That's probably a figment of my anxiety. He tells me frequently that he loves me very much, and we go through times where we talk less, and that's all it is.

That game thing was a whole thing, though. One of the three people who heads the game made a bunch of rude comments that were erasure at best and transphobic at worst, and I Just Couldn't Right Now. So one of my main outlets for relaxation is on hold.

Things with Teal are okay. I love it when I get to see her and we have a great time, but it's a pretty rare occurrence. It seems to be about every other week at this point. Though, thankfully, one of the things I'm not feeling this relationship is the NRE desire to see someone all the time. Like, I definitely have the rush of new relationship feelings, but I entirely get that she's intensely busy with her family responsibilities. I hope that we manage to get more intimate than a surface level, since I'm quite attracted to her after a few days, which isn't all that usual for me, but I'm not breaking apart with self-doubt and so on like I did with Raven.

I've been writing at least 200-300 words each weekday since the middle of May and at this point have over 15k words into a novella. I'm starting to feel like a writer again. I'm considering doing some revisions on it and cleaning it up, and maybe tossing it on my website with a donate button. I'm also considering entirely changing my domain name to something more gender-neutral. And by considering I mean that I'm going to do that when I get around to it, which just hasn't been yet.

So pretty much my life is in a holding pattern. It isn't entirely pleasant or unpleasant, it just is, and there isn't much on the drama front to process or write about.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #512  
Old 08-24-2018, 01:48 AM
icesong icesong is offline
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A friend of mine with similar cat issues got a chip-opened feeder for the cat on wet food - thing on collar opens it so the other cat canít get it - and a automatic multi meal feeder for the dry food, programmed to only spit on a few bites a t a time, so the dry food cat would eat it all before the wet food cat could get to it. Not sure if either or both would work for you.
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  #513  
Old 09-17-2018, 06:10 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I looked into the different feeder options and wasn't able to afford them. The inexpensive option of a spray bottle of water cut with malt vinegar has persuaded the younger cat to at least let the older eat at least half of it. He still picks at dry food but between the wet he gets and the water dish on the floor I hope that's enough. He had bloodwork for additional medication, but they never called me back, so I hope that means he doesn't need it. I game with his vet, so he's usually on top of that stuff.

Shortly after the car stuff hit, Guitarist's dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He recently had surgery at the end of the week before last, but I have no idea what else is going on there. He had sounded pretty optimistic, though, so I hope things were caught early enough.

Meanwhile...

Polyamory life. Pretty meh. I see Teal occasionally, it's working out to maybe once every two to three weeks. For a total of maybe three dates so far, not including the coffee meet up. I don't know how long it's been since that started, but it feels more like a cuddle friendship than a relationship, to me.

I have enough friends. I really do. So I'm probably going to start looking again in earnest for a new prospect. Bringing up the age-old struggle of "I really want to date but I don't want to date men." The dating pool of local, queer, polyamorous women is pretty shallow.

I miss Flame. We mostly text on the weekdays and linger in pining land between visits. I don't have the time to take off work to make visits a more frequent thing. So that is what it is. Fortunately, he's distant enough that that relationship can be mostly sunshine. I'm sure that if he lived nearby he'd drive me crazy soon enough, like everyone else seems to.

Guitarist is doing the things he needs to do to get healthy. I'm holding on by the fingertips while he does the things. I have a lot of negativity in my brain that I'm trying to fence out, because I'm definitely a pessimist, and I'm trying to give Guitarist time and space enough to see if this will work without me freaking out all over it. Any which way, I'm not going to be in this place forever, and I've already been here for a while, so I can be here a little while longer.

Focusing at work has gotten better since the medication change. My depression has come up quite a bit, but without the depression, and with my anxiety treated, my current level of stress and unhappiness seems like it's just the background level of stress and unhappiness in my life. Which feels pretty extreme, but not... overwhelming, in the way depression makes everything overwhelming. At least I was able to find cat food for $60 a month instead of $90. At least the leaky roof was a quick fix by the estimate guy hopefully and the whole roof won't need to be replaced. I have a gnawing sensation in my left side that's worse when I'm laying down at night, which I suspect is probably an ulcer and I should also probably talk to my doctor about it (and the inevitable medical bill). My annual is coming up, and I'm off the SSRIs, so I'm not sure it's worth scheduling and extra trip and taking more time off work. So I'll probably just bring it up at the annual.

Anyway, that's why I haven't posted much lately. Stuff is pretty crappy without me dwelling on it.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #514  
Old 10-12-2018, 03:44 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Location: Midwest USA
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It's been awhile again. Let's see. Teal ghosted on me after the third date, which really sucked because I thought things were going well. I'm texting another woman regularly but I think we're going to just be friends, and I got tea with a different person last week. Xe's coming over on Saturday after a busy weekend of family stuff to just chill and write or read together, or maybe play a board game. I'm calling xem "Reader," since our first date thing involved a book store and the next one may involve reading together, but if things go the way they have been for me lately, I'm not sure I expect xem to stick around. I'm not sure that my jaded tiredness is very fair to xem, or the start of this relationship. I'm too cautious to sink into NRE for fear of getting burned, and maybe that's turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Nanowrimo is coming up, so if xey stick through that and I still like xem after, that'll probably be a good sign. It's my least available, most stressful time of the year.

I've gotten back into World of Warcraft again. It's been so long (since like 2005?) that I couldn't remember my account information. I'm playing regularly with Flame, it's kind of like our thing right now, and I'm going out to see him again in November. I'm my usual levels of stressed about traveling and excited to see him. The stress about traveling decreases with time, though. At least this time, I know what to expect with the trains. Maybe I'll even stick my head outside Union Station during the transfer layover, if I'm feeling adventurous. Flame is solid, and even if half the time I expect him to find a nice mono woman and end the physical part of our relationship, I know he'd still love me.

I recently had a breakdown with Guitarist that featured me sobbing and getting really short with him. I'd told him that I'd be okay with him going to a party on our anniversary, thinking I'd be okay with it, and then I really wasn't okay. I think he handled my unexpected (to both of us) mess of feelings very well. We had a good talk when he got home from the party.

I think that I keep wanting me to be fine with things I'm not fine with. And I say, I'll do the thing, thinking that I can maybe fake it until I make it. I think I should stop trying to make myself fine with things, but then I feel like I'm somehow not good enough at polyamory. I've got to stop judging my bushell by other peoples' measures, I think.

I've taken the bed back, so maybe it'll be "my" bed again instead of "a" bed so hopefully I'll stop feeling like I have no place at this house, and I already do feel better. And we talked about dating each other more instead of just the daily cucumbers. I'm pretty optimistic things will improve between me and Guitarist. He's JUST starting to feel the benefits of counseling and medication, and has a sleep study coming up soon, and things with the home have been much better. It isn't even just holding on anymore. The latest stuff has been all me.

And I finished a novel the other day. Which is pretty damn cool.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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