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  #11  
Old 06-12-2018, 07:22 PM
Michaels Michaels is offline
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Lunabunny you are on point.

I am nowhere just interested in Sex or "fresh meat". I am thinking on building a long lasting relationship. I am interested in her whole personality as an addition to our life.

Actually you got me thinking. I am dishonest and have to reevaluate my motivations and ways.

Whe we where accepting to live a "Menage a troi" with Katharina, especially in conjunction with relocation to a place where we would be "new folk" we where building a idea of a future for three.
(Katharina is our Bookkeeper since long, Karin is my wife)

Your wording "he is in the way" struck me in the face.

You are absolute right, and it was my first reaction and my "forced" attack on Katharina with my words "she only can have me if she drops him".
That was far beyond anything i should have done and far into her boundries.

I talked with my wife today and we think that part of her personality needs two men.

She cannot be attached to a men who tells her a direction or what to do as she has been under a very dominant father who still is telling her what to do and she attaches to men who are submissive but highly intelligent in the lyrical way, but where she tells the direction.
She suffers from the point that those men do not have the drive to get things done and get a career or a book finished and auch.
But she told me, she never could live with a men who orders her what to do.
I never behaved like that, we have a trusting relationship since aprox ten years, so she knows how i am.

She can attach to me as i do set directions and goals she CAN choose to follow but is not oblieged to.
She has seen, that i never build fences, chains or cages arround my wife or any other one family.

(sorry if my english words are wrong, but it is very compilcated to describe a complex character setting in a foreign language).

So i might have to step back.

The wifes did see the point and i think (women are far more advanced in sensing obstacles) the discussions my wife did and what he said is a preparation thing to get me into a more relaxed situation about him.

I am confused and a little insecure.

I do not know him, neither how trustworthy he is, nor how he is outside sport.

Might be i have to slow things down.

Next weekend she cancelled the sleeping here and will be here sunday early morning "due to a not cancellable thing".
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  #12  
Old 06-12-2018, 08:44 PM
Michaels Michaels is offline
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Galagirl, i have to reread, YOu deeply thought through it too.

You are right in one point.

I have to let go of "leadership" and "fear". I have to just accept things as they are whithout driving anyone in any direction.
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  #13  
Old 06-12-2018, 11:14 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Michael,

I think that in just about any new poly situation, the main obstacles to avoid are assumptions. That is, don't assume anything. If it's something that could be important, talk about it ahead of time. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

It seems like a positive step to me that you are making an effort to include "Beta Man" and to help him feel included (and relaxed). Continue that process, and always communicate, as much as you can.

I also recommend that you periodically update this thread as your situation evolves. This will give us more information and will help us to be able to give more/updated thoughts and advice. And it will give you opportunities to ask more questions (as they arise).

Hopefully what's posted in this thread so far is helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #14  
Old 06-13-2018, 05:36 AM
Michaels Michaels is offline
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I agree with you, Galagirl, that Lunabunny laid out things very well on point.
She triggered me with her "he is in the way"

It is in my character that i take the lead. Hard to suppress. If i sit there and see all of them discuss the same things over and over and know there is only one solution the i feel boored. Either i retract myself from the discussion more and more to give them time to see and find themself (i appear disinterestedly partially negative then) or i start clearing the discussion clouds so they can approach a outcome which is supportable and positive.


Seeking? If i feel into me, i want the "inner tension, the vibration, the fun" again, i like the chaos the sorting of the chaos, the collaboration the whole range of feelings. I want to push back booredom a little.


Quote:
You sound like you want to rush into everyone sharing sex. Either in various couples or like group sex.
You also sound like you want to rush into everyone living together. Either in the same house or next door or similar.
Or maybe not so much rushing to those things, but not liking things being "up in the air" and you want to feel something is "settled?"

Which is it? Or is it something else?
I am a little pushy. I know. But things never change when there is no pushes and little presses.
Living together is the point i am into in my mind.


Quote:

You only want to be involved with wife and her UNATTACHED friend. Otherwise, you just want to be with you wife. So... the friend is attached. You could just be with your wife then. HOW does that look like?
I discussed with her that she can "have him", she tells that she does not want him.

Quote:
Total Open marriage - dangerous waters.

Our best longtime friends (not Katharina and her now friend) are claiming to have a "open" marriage and she sais she does not care who he sleeps with.

She allways wanted to move together with us, i am not sure about him.

They sleep here often, we often at their place. I limit sexual tension which is mainly between her and me.

But everything in their at the moment situation is weird and wrong, neiter feelings and situations seem clear, she is complicated, he frustrated and there is not a slightest chance that i could harmonize her and Karen.


But still... what's in it for him......
That is my main question. If this is solved (not only sexually, emotionally but also occupationally) things start to make sense.

Quote:
I'd say go slow and be ok sticking to what YOU want. If you want to be with wife, and only be with Katharina if she comes unattached? Then do that. Right now she's attached, so you can be with just wife. There. Then YOU are sorted out.

How the other people sort themselves out is their problem. You do NOT have to be the leader for all and organize everyone else.

You could tell wife you are ok with her dating Katharina (if you actually are) or her dating both of them (if you actually are.) And let wife deal with her own organizational problems. This doesn't have to be "kitchen table poly." It can be "very separate" poly.

And if the experiment has to end/doesn't work out... how do you all want to break up so all can feel ok about parting ways? Could talk about that plan too. Even if it ends up breaking up down to everyone single. You and wife no longer married.

Maybe these help in your talks.
That is the point. I try to work outcome orientated - trying to think outcome related, where i should think process orientated.

Do a step and see if the dances are in the right direction.

Thank you for your opinion on the subject.
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  #15  
Old 06-17-2018, 07:07 AM
Michaels Michaels is offline
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Ok.

Short Update.

Potential Metamour chickened out for today will be there next WE with hubby.

My wife told me, her limit is the point if Metamour talks anyday bad about her behind her back ALL ends.

So her limits are more at the respekt and trust area not the sex area.
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  #16  
Old 06-17-2018, 03:42 PM
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Hi Michael, thanks for that update. I am thinking that Metamour is the guy with the beta personality. Katharina's boyfriend. Is that correct?
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  #17  
Old 06-17-2018, 07:26 PM
Michaels Michaels is offline
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Katharina is the girl who it is about, Timo her BF - I explained in the other thread.
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  #18  
Old 06-18-2018, 07:32 PM
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Okay, thanks.
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