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Old 04-13-2018, 06:24 AM
casslavellan casslavellan is offline
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Default Flirting with a triad?

So I'm in a bit of a pickle. I have three close friends who happen to be in a triad with each other. They're great friends and I love them to death. Only one slight problem: my gay idiot self has a crush on all three of these idiots, and I have no idea how to deal with this. I'm very new to polyamory, having only been in one poly relationship before (went south, lack of communication from my primary partner). Any advice? Do I go on separate dates with them? Do I sit all three of them down and talk about these feelings? I have no idea how to go about this. Please help me.
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Old 04-13-2018, 06:29 AM
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Polyglamorous Polyglamorous is offline
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 68

Have you asked them if they are closed, or open?
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Old 04-13-2018, 07:37 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello casslavellan,

It seems good to me for you to go on separate dates with your friends, although before you do that, you should sit down with the three of them, talk about your feelings, find out if they are reciprocated, and find out if this triad is open to dating new people. Poly takes a lot of communication. Never assume, always get confirmation.

I would also encourage you to continue posting in this thread. Keep us updated on how things are going. This will make it so we can give you updated feedback and advice.

I hope everything works out for the four of you.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 04-14-2018, 03:00 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724

Firstly, don't get too "cart before horse" here. As Polyglamorous points up, you don't mention whether they are a closed relationship. (No stats to back it up, but most that I've met are closed.) Then you have to figure out whether they are particularly interested in expanding their group, & to what degree. And THEN it's a question of whether they want to include YOU, as well as how centrally.

There's a little "poly math" that'll probably be mentioned, so I might as well take the lead. When a couple "adds a third," it's not so simple as instantly expanding to make room for three, or even grafting a "secondary" onto a couple. Rather, A+B becomes A+B+C... & A+B, & A+C, & B+C (plus the three individuals, as individuality is often actively ignored in monogamy, but celebrated in polyamory). The tighter the group, the more effort must be put into maintaining ALL those dynamics.

It sounds a little like you have a bit more of a crush on their situation rather than on them. Nothing wrong with that, but the former motivating the latter will probably skew your reasoning. Don't chase a dream at the expense of a reality.

You probably cannot merely leap into the middle & instantly become a total equal. For starters, do the math: you (D) would have to simultaneously give YOUR FULL ATTENTION to growing these dynamics: A+D, B+D, C+D, A+B+D, A+C+D, B+C+D, & A+B+C+D

...as well as having enough "alone time" to keep your individualism properly maintained so that you'll be a full contributing member of the group.
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