I started rereading some of my ADHD books this week.
I know that being a psychology counseling student there is a danger of "diagnosing" people-- and noticing traits and things that I wouldn't have before. I'm trying to balance noticing these things with not sticking people into a "category" based on a diagnosis.
However... I do think that knowing these things can sometimes be helpful. For example, I have anxiety. All of my life I've been a "worrier"... but really it's just been anxiety-- I just never had that name for it until now and I really truly wish I had! It helps me so much to understand it better, find ways of coping with it and accepting that it's a part of me that sometimes makes things harder, but I have to deal with and not pretend it doesn't exist or feel like I should just stop being that way.
It also helps me, because knowing certain things trigger anxiety I can avoid at least some of this by avoiding those things/situations or approaching them differently. I can't always avoid it, but I can mitigate it better and I can avoid some of it completely. This, to me, is a useful tool.
Hubs, has ADHD. It's part of his charm.
Truthfully a lot of the things I love about him are traits associated with ADHD... as well as some of the traits that drive me crazy.
I would never want to put him in a box-- you have ADHD, you are like THIS. Each person is different. But there are underlying traits that are common, and I see these traits in him. To me, knowing those traits are part of how his brain works because of ADHD helps me accept them.
Things like zoning out in the middle of a conversation, or sentence and not really hearing me. Not remembering things I've said. Not taking anything that is perceived as criticism without getting defensive and angry. And then there's the hyperfocus. In the beginning of a relationship he's hyperfocused on you... it's like NRE x 10,000. It's a bit intoxicating. But of course, NRE in general wears off, and the hyperfocus always wears off too... sometimes rather suddenly and it can be shocking.
Now I adjusted to the loss of the hyperfocus years ago... and we've replaced it with smaller doses of focus and I'm all good with that!
And I just realized that part of our issues with his new relationship was that he's had this hyperfocus with her. And when he's like that-- nothing else gets in. And reason, logic and good judgment fly out the window completely.
He was like that with me, too... so this is not a surprise, although it was 10 years ago, so I forgot! LOL. And I think it's been REALLY hard for him to maintain our relationship while he's in this hyperfocus place. Harder than normal NRE, I think. If we were all in the same town, I think it would have been a million times worse because I'd have been getting ignored in person.
Knowing this actually makes things a little easier for me. Because I know this is part of who he is... I know it will pass and things will calm down, as they always do.