Shaya
New member
In reading some of the more troubled blogs, or when looking at a new member posting their troubling transition to polyamory, I feel that there may be an underlying similarity between poor relationships that has to do with repairing after an argument.
We all argue. We all fight. We generally try to fight above the belt. But what about the aftermath? Are we so unhappy and crying in the aftermath that we never want to fight again?
Fighting is normal but only lasts a few minutes if you do it right. The emotional fallout can last hours or days if not handled correctly and this longevity of negative emotions is what I feel we remember on when we're unhappy with our current relationship. Rephrasing this, I feel that fighting or repairing poorly may lead to long stretches of unhappiness and it may be such long stretches that wear us down emotionally in our relationships. In this sense, relationship repair is important. I would be curious to see how many of us feel we could improve in the department of relationship repair.
Similar to the relationships vulnerability quiz I posted elsewhere, I'd like to share another one up, this time from the Gottmann Institute, on relationship repair and argument styles.
The quiz is a 10-question true/false. I'll post the quiz below along with its interpretation of scores, then critique the quiz in post #2 below because it is by no means the best quiz in this area. Happy for others to post a better one if you've come accross one that impressed you. Also happy for people to post your (and your partner's) scores as replies, or to critique the quiz, or to share further insight and discussion in your follow up posts. Thanks!
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Answer True or False to the following questions. Tally up the number of 'True' Statements to get a score between 0-10.
1. We are good at taking breaks when we need them.
2. My partner usually accepts my apologies.
3. I can say that I am wrong.
4. When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense.
5. We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things.
6. If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things.
7. When I comment on how we could communicate better, my partner listens to me.
8. Even if things get hard at times, I know we can get past our differences.
9. We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing.
10. When emotions run hot, expressing how upset I feel makes a real difference.
*******************************************************
The website says more than 5 or more 'True' statements is good whilst 5 or less is bad.
We all argue. We all fight. We generally try to fight above the belt. But what about the aftermath? Are we so unhappy and crying in the aftermath that we never want to fight again?
Fighting is normal but only lasts a few minutes if you do it right. The emotional fallout can last hours or days if not handled correctly and this longevity of negative emotions is what I feel we remember on when we're unhappy with our current relationship. Rephrasing this, I feel that fighting or repairing poorly may lead to long stretches of unhappiness and it may be such long stretches that wear us down emotionally in our relationships. In this sense, relationship repair is important. I would be curious to see how many of us feel we could improve in the department of relationship repair.
Similar to the relationships vulnerability quiz I posted elsewhere, I'd like to share another one up, this time from the Gottmann Institute, on relationship repair and argument styles.
The quiz is a 10-question true/false. I'll post the quiz below along with its interpretation of scores, then critique the quiz in post #2 below because it is by no means the best quiz in this area. Happy for others to post a better one if you've come accross one that impressed you. Also happy for people to post your (and your partner's) scores as replies, or to critique the quiz, or to share further insight and discussion in your follow up posts. Thanks!
*********************************************************************
Answer True or False to the following questions. Tally up the number of 'True' Statements to get a score between 0-10.
1. We are good at taking breaks when we need them.
2. My partner usually accepts my apologies.
3. I can say that I am wrong.
4. When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense.
5. We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things.
6. If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things.
7. When I comment on how we could communicate better, my partner listens to me.
8. Even if things get hard at times, I know we can get past our differences.
9. We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing.
10. When emotions run hot, expressing how upset I feel makes a real difference.
*******************************************************
The website says more than 5 or more 'True' statements is good whilst 5 or less is bad.
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