So it Begins

lionessjlf

New member
My husband has recently come around to being poly. After much discussion and pure honesty I must say it went pretty smooth. He still has some issues/boundaries to sort out, but so far so good. I am delightfully basking in the glow of how well our relationship has grown thus far and am looking forward to more.
He is going on a first date with someone tomorrow night and seems to be excited about it. I am even more excited than him. I am hoping this will be a positive experience for the both of them. I have been in contact with her via email and we have some common interests which will make it nice to form a friendship with her. We were originally going to all meet but decided to let them see if they click before the two of us meet.
I decided to write this for all the 'newbies' who have recently opened up thier relationships.
He is still concerned about me, (awww) I guess because this concept is so new and foreign to him. I have to constantly reassure him and encourage him. I am very proud of him, his honesty, his openess, his being able to share how he feels. It's a huge step for him as he has been programmed mono his entire life. So with fingers crossed, it begins.
There is nothing more sexy than someone who strives to know themselves and love what they know!
I will update after the date
 
They had a great time on thier date. I however saw red flags all over the place. My husband totally disregarded the only boundary I gave him. I asked him not to get drunk. He did. We had a discussion about it and he immediately got defensive. I understand this was the first time fot him, but he is clearly not ready.

Then there is the issue of the massive amounts of text messages. Literally 50, in one day I feel she is moving fast. Way too fast for my comfort level which he was fully aware of. NRE after one date of dinner and drinks? There is clearly a big RED FLAG. We have decided to do some more work on our relationship before trying again. I am taking full responsibility for this as I feel I may have pushed him. Sigh, what a mess.
 
Hmm, were the messages funky to you? Or just the amount of them? I wonder because I tend to send a lot of messages to my potential love, because he's told me he appreciates the contact. I should find out what his wife thinks, I don't want to cross any boundaries with them :)

Hopefully you will have better luck next time! And remember, it's not a race ;)
 
Oops! It's not classy to get drunk on a first date!

Welcome to the world of watching your primary experience NRE. It can be unsettling, the intensity...
 
Quantity of texts is nothing. I text like crazy. My wife gets annoyed because I'm tied to my phone all the time, but it's not because I'm talking to another girl or anything. It's because I'm on my phone. NRE develops at different paces for different people.

The drinking is definitely a problem. The other stuff I feel is natural. But that's me. Everyone is different.
 
My husband has recently come around to being poly. After much discussion and pure honesty I must say it went pretty smooth. He still has some issues/boundaries to sort out, but so far so good. I am delightfully basking in the glow of how well our relationship has grown thus far and am looking forward to more.

How did he "come around" to being poly?

I was reading your initial threads and they stated he was clearly very Mono.

Perhaps the drinking was his way of coping with a very uncomfortable situation. And the amount of texting is him getting caught up in some extra attention.

Either way, I don't believe that this is going as smoothly for him as you think it is.
 
It was both the quantity and the context of the texts. I won't go into details, but they have cowgirl written all over them. Newtoday, you hit the nail on the head, he is definitely struggling. We have hab many conversations about both of our comfort levels and he seemed to develop amnesia the minute he got out the door. I have a huge issue with things moving fast. He knows that. I a little bummed out but on the positive side, I know what areas need more work.
Thank you everyone for your input, I am really happy to have found this site, it's the best!
 
I also agree that the frequency of messages is normal, to a point. If they were normal getting to know you type. They just met. They have known each other a total of 5 days. Face to face for six hours. The rest of t has been through phone or email. The context of the communications were more of the 'can't wait to hold you in my arms, wake up next to you, spend the weekend together, have you to myself' type of messages. Scary red flags. In that short of time? I feel is not normal.
 
Hmm, it does sound like serious NRE. Is she poly? Has she ever been in a poly relationship? It could be just NRE for her. I agree the drinking isn't a good thing, especially if you both agreed not to. If you were to see my hubby's texts to his interest, they are the same way. Not meant in a cowboy way at all, just he's very excited to get to know her :D He's cute that way. I tend to text a lot as well, but more every day things. Hopefully you both can sit and talk about what these feelings are and what to do about them :)
 
Her and I have opened up the lines of communication. We are all going to get together and chat. She is new to poly and was very considerate and understanding of my concerns so I'm feeling alot better about it. My hubby and I had a long talk today as well about my comfort levels and boundaries again. He has a clear understanding and all and all went well. I think that maybe since the two of them have never been in this type of dynamic before there will be alot more issues that will come up. As long as we're all capable of honestly communicating about them as they come up, we'll be OK.
 
So she and I have been contacting each other and I think I may have misjudged her. I like her. She seems to be very genuine and is open and honest and willing to communicate. I'm really excited about meeting her for lunch. I'm really feeling very hopeful right now. Yeah. My husband seems to be more comfortable with it as well. He is definitely more relaxed and is really communicating from a more honest place. He is still having issues with his own jealousies but I'm not dating anyone right now and I am in no hurry.
 
Yay! Great to hear :D Sending you all warm fuzzy vibes, hoping everything goes well for you all :D
 
I just wanted to update. I came to the realization that I cannot dictate how thier relationship is going. Just because I wouldn't move that fast doesn't mean they can't. She's coming over this weekend and I am very excited about it. I really like her, she is fantastic to talk to and very honest. No matter what happens between them, I would like to have her as a friend! Now if I could just get my Husband to relax a little more, this would be ideal. I need to be more encouraging with him instead of cautious. I took another wonderful step in the journey of self knowledge :)
 
So I had to cancel my plans with her this weekend, it's my Birthday on Fri and my friends wouldn't take no for an answer. Then my hubby comes home and tells me he's not comfortable with the situation. Although he really likes her, he just can't date her. I guess her really is mono after all. Kudos to him though for his self awareness and honesty, I am proud of the way he handled it. I hope she is OK. He said she understood. So now it ends.
 
Oh, I wasn't expecting that. So, you are poly, and want to see others, so you encouraged your husband to try dating others as well? Maybe it took a few drinks for him to even be able to do it. Now that he has sobered up, he realizes it didn't feel right for him after all.

Now, you are left with a man who has decided he is a one woman man only, and yet, you still want/need other lovers, yet he is going to be jealous... What now?
 
Now we take it slow, keep the communication going. I'm not seeing anyone right now nor do I have anyone I'm interested in at the moment, so one day at a time.
 
Now we take it slow, keep the communication going. I'm not seeing anyone right now nor do I have anyone I'm interested in at the moment, so one day at a time.

Brilliant ;) Keep up the hard work, sounds like the slow and steady truly does win the race in this case :)
 
So the hubby and I went out on a date, just the two of us. He got pretty buzzed, I stayed sober and we had a fantastic time. But, on the ride home he informs me that he's angry with me for 'giving him permission to date' he said he would really like to just go out and have sex with other women without me knowing about them or them knowing about me WHAT??????????? Then of course he follows that statement with the ever popular 'not that I could bring myself to do it' phrase.

Now I think after all this time together, I really know him, maybe I don't. He also said that he was disgusted by the fact that I had cheated on my x husband (14 yrs ago) WOW

So I called him on his shit. He's angry with me because I was capable of doing something he is not capable of doing. He wants to do it, he stops himself from doing it, where is that my fault? He answers with this: It's MY fault because I gave him 'permission' to date but then I put all these boundaries on it to make it impossible for him to date. REALLY?

These are my boundaries:
1. Honesty to all involved, about all involved. I want to know when he is involved with someone and I want her to know he is also involved with me.
2. When they become intimate, I need to know it's gone to that level
3. Always use condoms
4. No getting drunk or having sex until at least 3 dates and I have met her

I am really blown away right now. I am considering if I should even stay in this relationship. He clearly is stuggling with this. I haven't even remotely begun to look for anyone to date , yet he says he could not handle me being with someone else. But he wants to screw around! What a mess. Who am I married to? I am most definitely bringing this back up in a sober light. I refuse to allow him to wiggle out of it.
 
Hmmm, sorry to say, it seems like your h has a bit of a problem with alcohol?

I'd say it was the booze talking, bringing out his "Id," his hedonistic, I'm gonna do what I want, when I want it, and you can't stop me, nanny nanny boo boo type of language.

And bringing up how you cheated on your ex 14 years ago. Really now. Ugh, my ex-h used to that in conversations... bring up shit that happened a decade or more ago. So pointless.

I hope things look better in the clear light of day. Your boundaries sound minimal and reasonable. If he loves you, he would agree to respect you enough to inform you of who he is seeing, where they are going, and what level of sex they have reached. It's just common courtesy.

But it sounds like he just wants to get drunk, partay!!! and cat around. Forget he's married, not tell his sex partners he's married. Bleh. That's not polyamory at all.
 
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