Poly journey of Mya and rory

[Mya]

I feel like I need a place to share my thoughts about poly and rory said she feels the same way. So we decided to start this blog together.

So me and rory are girlfriends to each other. Both of us also have a husband and neither of them are currently in other relationships, so together we form a N or Z, however you want to look at it. All of us are open to the idea of more partners so we're not poly-fi. Although the husbands aren't looking for anyone and neither are me and rory, but it's not forbidden either. I think at the moment we're all happy with the current situation, but never say never.

[Mya]

In a couple of days rory and I have been together for 4 months. Yey! Me and JJ have been together for 8 years and rory and her husband for 7 years. Both original couples had had an open relationship for quite some time before me and rory met.

My first contact with poly as a concept happened when I watched a documentary about it on TV with JJ. We talked about wheather we could ever imagine ourselves in a situation like that and we came to the conclusion that we could. This was just in theory though, we didn't do anything about it then. Maybe a year after that we took the next step, which was allowing kissing other people. We did that, saw each other kiss other people and didn't feel jealous. That's when we decided we could also have sex with other people, why not. And that's when I met rory. It was obvious quite soon that it was more than sex. We developed feelings for each other and very soon after that we both had discussions with our husbands about us dating. They both were fine with it and that's how we got here. Baby steps.

Our lives are in a way split between two countries. When I met rory, I was working abroad and temporarily living apart from JJ. So 4 moths ago when this started, I was in a LDR with JJ, but in the same country with rory. Quite soon after we met I moved back in with JJ and then I was in a LDR with rory. I lived with him for a month and left again, this time just to another city but stayed in the same country with JJ. I have been living here for 2,5 months now and I'm going back to JJ in a month, this is just a summer job. Rory and her husband came here to this country for the summer as well so at the moment we're all living in the same country but in 3 different cities! I live 2 hours from rory and 7 hours from JJ. In the autumn, rory and her husband go back to the other country and I'm staying here with JJ. The plan for the near future is that I'll spend one week of each month at their place and 3 weeks with JJ. This summer has been great because I've had a lot of one-on-one-time with rory and all four of us have been able to meet each other several times. In the future we are hoping to end up in the same city, all four of us. If all goes well, we might all live together, but apartments next to each other would be nice too.

[rory]

I'll add a word. Up there's basically how things started. Me and my husband (I should think of a on-line name for him, Alec..?) had an sexually open relationship for about 3 years before I met Mya. I had thought about poly before, but didn't really see it as realistic. Oh well, I'm happy I was wrong.

I'm not sure if Alec is poly or not, he's not really sure either. He hasn't had any real attractions during us being together, but you never know. Could be that the right person just hasn't come along. Anyway, he doesn't really see himself in any other relationships any time soon, if ever.

None of us have had any jealousy during this time. There have been some feelings of nervousness and discomfort, mostly when Mya, me and Alec hung out for the first time, but it wasn't major and was easily sorted out. Now that all of us have met a few more times it's all really good. Mya's coming to visit me and Alec on the weekend, I'm really looking forward to that; both the time as a group and also some alone time with Mya.

[BlackUnicorn]

Cool, you have a blog !

Originally Posted by Mya

In the autumn, rory and her husband go back to the other country and I'm staying here with JJ. The plan for the near future is that I'll spend one week of each month at their place and 3 weeks with JJ.

Oy, so you are thinking of going back and forth two countries yourself?

[rory]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

Cool, you have a blog !

Yeah, I feel that it will be fun, and helpful, to write in a place where people "get" this stuff.

---

I'll tell a bit about myself. I'm 23 years old and study social sciences in University. I'm not a native English speaker, so please feel free to ask me to clarify if I'm not making sense. I tend to think about and analyse stuff a lot, including poly things (lately, them especially). I've been thinking that I don't really agree with the claim that poly is a lot of work. I think it can be, but for me it hasn't been since I enjoy (over-)analysing and talking about things with my partners; thus, I don't consider it work.

I think there are some patterns of behaviour in relationships I've recently begun to notice and which I'd like to change. I think realising these has been a process that strarted before I "started" poly. However, I think this new situation will help me actually make the changes, because it requires it more urgently.

Right now I'm talking about the fact that I'm a people pleaser, or have been. I don't really care what strangers think about me, but I guess I'm afraid of not being (totally) accepted by the people I love. I learned to please as a kid, and having undestood that I'm now started to unlearn it. For many years with Alec I pretty much ignored what I wanted and needed: hell, I had no idea what it was that I wanted. He never asked or expected me to do this, it was just the programming I had. I've recognised this pattern in recent years, and am trying to change that. That means analysing what it is that I want and need, not ignoring it, and making healthy boundaries. It still causes me varying amounts of anxiety, though, not being able to do/be what somebody I love expects/wants of me, even though I won't compromise myself anymore.

Enter poly. I think poly situation will help me with this work a lot. Before, there weren't in practice many situations where I needed to apply what I had thought about this. I'm usually pretty flexible, and so is Alec, so there weren't many conflicting issues. Sometimes, though, it would happen that the wants of a friend of mine and Alec's wants would clash. These instances were rare, and they would cause me intense anxiety, but in hindsight they were helpful because I was in a situation where I couldn't please both of the people I loved. I had to face the disappointment, and guess what: the world didn't end and it usually wasn't nearly as big a deal to anybody else but me. Nobody got mad at me or abandoned me and I was accepted even though I made a decision which wasn't everybody's first choice. So, these kind of situations, I think, are very good for me (even though I still suffer the anxiety and hate it). And, not surprisingly, there are way more of them when you are poly and have two partners. There just are times when I just basically can't please both, and they are way more frequent than they are with a partner and a friend. I think it will get easier, both with practice and with the repeated experience of nothing horrible following from me doing not as a loved one would wish.

[Mya]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

Oy, so you are thinking of going back and forth two countries yourself?

Yes, that is what I'm going to do. This is not a difficult thing for me, because for the last 5 years or so I've been traveling between two cities/countries anyway. I'm one of those "home is where I lay my hat" people. I can feel at home almost anywhere. JJ has never lived abroad, I have twice. That last time I fell in love with the city I lived in. It's a gorgeus place and I want to go back. Fortunately that's also the place where rory and Alec are planning to move in a few years. All I have to do is convince JJ to come along. He did like the city as well when he was visiting me there. We have had some long conversations about moving there and at the moment it looks like he wants to do it too. But when, that is the question. In the meanwhile I'm flying between these two countries and I don't mind at all. In the autumn I start working as a freelancer for the same company I work for now. So this gives me the freedom to travel and spend time abroad, which is perfect for this situation.

First we were talking about 2 weeks/2 weeks split in my time between rory and JJ. But then I realised most of my friends and family are where JJ lives. I have nothing else in the other city, just rory and Alec. So if we did 2 weeks and 2 weeks, that would mean that I would spend much less time with JJ than rory, because I would see all my friends during that 2 weeks with JJ. That's why we decided on the 1 week/3 weeks split. I think this is also better for Alec. He doesn't have to adjust his life as much as he would if I spent half of my time there. But we'll see how this goes in the autumn.

[rory]

Since beginning our poly relationship I have read a lot of stuff about poly on the Internet. I knew of poly beforehand, but not much beyond that. Thus, learning about all the different ways of "doing poly" has caused me to reflect a lot on what kind of a poly is good for me. What is it that I want, what feels right to me, and what doesn't.

One poly "style" I can't relate to is a rigid primary/secondary view of partners. I have a really strong feeling of wanting my partners to be equal, and had this feeling even before embarking on poly. I have had some difficulties wrapping my mind around the concept of equality not meaning sameness, and what that means in practice, but I'm getting there. Anyway, today I was thinking more about why I feel a primary/secondary relationship wouldn't feel right to me.

One thing I realised was that there is a conflict between what I feel is right and one thought often (but not always!) associated with the primary/secondary view. The thought being "You will be my primary: therefore in case of a conflict situation, you and your needs will always come before the one's of my secondary partner, simply due to that position.". I.e. I would give my primary partner a right to demand anything from me, no matter how unreasonable, because "he was there first" (or because I gave him that position). The underlying assumption being that I will make choices based not on any objective reasons but on "who I love the most" or "who is the most important to me" or whatever the primary status is supposed to signify. Of course, there is usually an assumption that goes with it that the primary partner won't demand anything completely unreasonable and horrifying; say, my secondary's mother dies and my primary doesn't want me to spend time comforting her because he want's to watch a movie. But, I don't know. Sometimes it can be used that way, e.g. vetoing somebody without any significant reason. And, if I make decisions and choises based on how reasonable the request is, why would my partner need a primary status if they are not planning on making unreasonable requests? Either they are, or they don't trust me to take them and their needs into consideration. Either way, I think there's a deeper problem.

[Mya]

I feel the same way about primary/secondary than rory. I don't want to use those terms, because they don't represent how I feel. I know they don't always mean that primary's needs come first, but I just don't have any reason to say that the other one is my primary partner. We don't have any kids but in theory I could see myself having them with either one (or both) of my partners. In practice rory doesn't want kids and I'm not too sure if I want them either. Anyway, my point is that I could see myself making all kinds of life-changing decisions with both my partners. Maybe not right now, since we've only been together for four months, but just like in any other relationship: when we're ready for it.

[Mya]

I had such a lovely weekend with rory and Alec. We got plenty of alone time with rory and I also enjoyed Alec's company a lot. I can see that me and Alec are getting more and more relaxed with each other and I love that! We can joke around and talk about stuff, just like friends. Also I can kiss rory or hold hands in front of him and obviously rory and Alec can do the same in front of me and nobody is feeling uncomfortable.

This weekend I had a huge epiphany. I've been talking about wanting to move back to the city I used to live (where I lived when I met rory) a lot lately. Now I realised that it's not only that I want to live in that particular city, but I also really don't want to live where JJ lives now, which is my home town as well. It's a small town and I just feel there isn't enough for me there. I realised that I have to get out of there at some point, to a bigger city. This is huge for me because my whole life I've thought that my home town is the place I want to settle down to. I can live somewhere else for certain periods of time, but I would always go back there. We have a house there, my parents live there and quite many of my friends as well. And suddenly I feel that that's not the place I want to be anymore. So.. let's hope that JJ wants to move with me to the big city. If not, we'll have a LDR for the rest of our lives or we'll have to break up. Doesn't sound good, does it?

[Mya]

I had a good conversation with JJ about me not wanting to stay in our hometown. He seemed quite sad about it because he loves the place as much as I used to. However, it looks like he would be willing to move with me to the big city, which is great. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm not sure if he's doing the thing he really wants to do. Sometimes he does seem excited about moving but other times I see he's a bit hesitant. Well, I guess we'll have to wait and see how things progress.

I'm spending the next weekend with rory. First she's coming to my place and then we're going to meet some friends of ours in another city. I love it that we've already made some friends of our own that we can meet as a couple. Next week I get to meet rory's best friend, they've known each other since childhood. That's kinda exciting! This is the first time I'm meeting someone from rory's life that has been there since the beginning of rory and Alec's relationship and even before that. Rory has already met two friends of mine, one only briefly. I would love her to meet my best friend but so far we haven't been in the same place at the same time. I hope we can arrange it during the summer when rory is still in this country.