changing boundaries for the sake of your relationships?

Darkeztdoll

New member
Hello,

This is my first post. Glad I found a place to talk to people.

This post is about boundaries and when it is time to compromise on them, if it is a thing you should compromise on.

I have been dating my SO for about a two years now. This is our second go round. We dated monogamously and live together a few years back. This time when we started dating again, I suggested we become polyamorous. He agreed and we have been doing ok since then. When we decided to become polyamorous I created some boundaries for my relationship. I wanted my relationship to be left autonomous. In other words, when he is with me, he is with me. When he is out on his own, he is free to do whatever he likes. I don't want to engage with people he is in a relationship with. I'm pretty anti-social and don't want to create a relationship with someone he is in a relationship with. I have enough friends and I don't want to open my relationship up to outside interference. This is a two way thing, I have relationships with other men, of which, I tell him absolutely nothing about, because, to me it has nothing to do with him.(I know this isn't the most common way most people practice polyamory, but, it makes me comfortable and I feel like I have the right to tailor my relationship to my comfort level.)

About a year ago he started seeing another girl, I'll call her T. This became problematic pretty much immediately. He really didn't spend any major holidays with me, for this past year, opting to spend the holidays with her. I'm ok with sharing time but, I don't like feeling secondary and like an old toy, left forgotten in the bottom of the toy chest. After thanksgiving I had had enough. I tried to pull the plug on the relationship, he convinced me to stick around. We created a holiday/ weekly schedule, that worked for everybody. We spent Christmas together, it was great. Things seemed to be looking up.

Then there was the super bowl... My SO invited me to a super bowl party at his house. Cool, sure, I'll go. The night before he informs me that his best friend, we will call him K, is in town. His best friend is also dating T. K of course will be at the party, but, turns out T really wants to go to this party but, wants me to come anyway. I feel trapped, do I tell my SO I don't want her at the party, effectively keeping her away from both of her boyfriends? Do I excuse myself from the party all together, which makes me seem like a b-word?(I never claimed I wasn't but, I hate being forced to show it) or do I go? And suffer through something that I have specifically said I'd rather not do. He kind of just decided it was time for my hang out with his other girlfriend and just threw it on me. I'm a very strong willed person, who doesn't react well to manipulation or entrapment. All of this went down bad, real bad. I didn't go to that party.

A week later, I receive a letter from T, more like a novel really. She lectured me on how she knows better than me about poly and how I am doing it wrong. She made a laundry list of my SO's crappy indiscretions over the past year, how he blew me off to be with her and not even just her apparently several other women. How half the gifts he had gotten me over the past year where her idea... Just lots of awful stuff I really didn't want to hear about. She finishes it off by saying we should be at least cordial so we can take the pressure off of him to create a schedule that works for us, but, she hopes we can be friends. She wants us to organize parties together to honor how "magical" he is. Excuse me while I barf... So she informs me of how bad a boyfriend he has been to me for the past year(look lady, I knew...) and wants to have a party. I didn't respond. She knows I don't want to talk to a third party regarding my personal relationship. I wound up having some drinks and he came over that night. I told him we should take a break for a couple weeks. I was suffering, I was feeling forced into situations. He agreed until he realized I was drunk then asked me to reconsider the next day when I was sober. I did and I decided to not let this letter sabotage the relationship I have been cultivating.

Since that letter (a couple weeks ago) our relationship feels damaged. It needs some love and work if we are going to keep it together, that is for sure.

A few days ago, he tells me he think we should take a "soft break" for a couple weeks, not to say we won't see each other. He just doesn't want to use our schedule. He says he needs change and for our relationship to evolve. He wants me to be ok with being around T at least in passing. Eventually he wants us to all be present at bigger social functions. So we are both taking some time to consider our future.

I don't want to do this, but, I understand that relationships can be work and you have to compromise.

Compromise is also not all bad. I know if I give him what he wants, I will get something that I want. So far, I figure what will help me to be comfortable is that when we have to go to functions where she will be there, I want it to be "my" night. As in, he is my date that night. Also, in six months I don't want to hear, "you should be friends with T, you guys should throw my B-day party together." Or any other of that type of craziness. I will be cordial, but, like I said I'm anti-social and don't want to create an extraneous relationship orbiting my personal, private relationship.

I guess that's a good compromise, right?

I guess what I am asking, is all this fair, to either of us?

We keep saying repeatedly during these conversations "I love you and I want to be with you but I need ____." It's like a mantra at this point.

Is this type of situation common? I really don't know many other poly people.

Any advice is appreciated.
 
DADT arrangements usually implode. At some point people in poly arrangements need to accept the fact that their partner has other partners who are important to them. If a person can't do that, can't acknowledge that their metamours exist, and don't want to hear about them, there is a lot of growing up that needs to be done, IMHO. No, you don't have to be at the same functions she is, but you have no right to restrict her if she wants to be somewhere with him.

If he wants a certain kind of poly that is different than yours, and he has compromised for your sake for a long time but now wants something different (hey, we all learn, change, and grow from our experiences), then a break makes sense because obviously you two are not compatible anymore. Why do you want to stick around in a relationship that causes you angst? What purpose does it serve you to keep up something that isn't really working for him or you? Loving someone isn't enough for a relationship to work and be fulfilling. We can love someone that we can't be happy with, but if you're not happy, what's the point? Poly isn't about having as many relationships as possible. They should all bring people joy and satisfaction. Why so focused on a letter that she sent, anyway, since he wants the break? Obviously, she is a very valued and important person in his life, and he wants anyone he is involved with to act respectfully toward her. If you are digging your heels in and don't want to do that, then probably moving on is the best thing to do.

There is something that sounds a bit disingenuous about what you've written here - I think it is your focus on that letter. The letter was a few weeks ago, right? -- but he said he wants a break a few days ago. I would think the game has changed. He wants out. Stop focusing on the past. Did you post this here just hoping to get feedback you want to hear about your metamour?
 
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um, def want to hear people's opinions, whatever they may be. Def don't want to start trouble. Of course, I want to hear I'm right. But that doesn't seem to be the consensus... I get most poly people don't have the boundaries I do. This is my first poly relationship.

The letter came like two weeks before we decided to take a break. And the reason I'm trying to keep working on it, even if it means being wrong and having to change is because I love him, of course. He is the love of my life. I really really want us to work.

I'm willing to start considering these changes and acting on them. I just wanted a second opinion from other poly people.
 
And he tells me about her. He really just wants us all at the same functions. I have really done my best to play fair. I tried to bow out gracefully from the super bowl party but, he kind of got pushy about it. Like really pushing me to go...
 
And I don't think he wants out. He wants change. Change I am willing to give him, I'm stubborn, so it's coming slow. I just, I don't know, wanted to run this whole thing by more experienced people.
 
My monogamous friends seem to think it's as simple as adding another boyfriend to occupy my time. Which would be nice, but, I just haven't met anyone recently I hit it off with. I can't just abra Kadabra a boy out of thin air.
 
And this is why DADT often doesn't work: time is a limited resource. Metamours don't have to be best friends, but it can be awful difficult to not be able to even be in the same space. You miss out on a lot in life, and the "hinge" will often be made to miss out on really special events, as well. It puts them in an awful position much of the time, where they have to "choose" who "gets" to attend holidays, special events, etc. Which also means they miss out on celebrating these things with their other loves, as well.

I've not liked some of my metamours. In fact, I've outright despised a few (but really liked others). But, as an adult I have to deal with that all the time at work, and in other social situations. It's up to me to handle these things with grace and maturity in all situations.
 
And I don't think he wants out. He wants change. Change I am willing to give him, I'm stubborn, so it's coming slow. I just, I don't know, wanted to run this whole thing by more experienced people.

This isn't really an okay thing. It's like someone saying "I'm an asshole," and thinking that makes their behavior totally okay. If you recognize that you have issues you regard as you being "stubborn," it's a sign you need to work on that, not use it as an excuse. Don't explain behavior away. Take some time to figure out why you react certain ways, and if you want to change those reactions, figure out better responses to the stimuli.
 
Ok, that is all fair. All very fair, good advice.

It took us taking a break for me to even consider change. Now, why I act the way I do and changing the way I react to things, is going to be hard. Control issues, I guess, which is part of my job, or issues created by my job involving control. I know it's not ideal. I know, now, it's wrong for me use that as an excuse. Which is I suppose what I am doing. I'm willing to be wrong! I'm willing to change. I'm just terrified of being treated as a doormat or secondary in some way. I can try though. And like green acres said, I don't have to love his SO, I just have to be present...

But, this is my first step. Really, what you both have said, makes a lot of sense and I appreciate the guidance.
 
I really like your schedule and the fact that you keep relationships separate, thats the way I do things too. I see nothing wrong with it, I don't have anything to do with the people Nate are with either. I think the schedule keeps it fair for everyone.

Personally I would not be willing to go to the same functions. If it meant that I never attended anything with nate then so be it but if she's pushing for it and he's backing her up because she wants to go to everything he does there really isn't much you can do other than comply or decline. I think it's shitty to put you in this position and why the he'll is she writing you letters?
 
@ inyourendo Yeah, I didn't love the really looonnnggg patronizing letter bit and if I am stubborn, he is a mule. We both are very used to getting our ways. I agree, it's an awkward to put it mildly, position, we have manuevered ourselves into. I feel backed onto the edge of a cliff, and I guess it's time to jump.

It looks like I have to get on the wagon to happy friendly compromise town or lose my relationship...

I'm willing to try, and try to look at it differently. And if it's something that is beyond my wheelhouse, we will have to end it I suppose. But, he means enough to me that I at least owe it a try.
 
Inyourendo, I agree about the letter. That I really didn't get the point of. I've had a metamour do that, and it was weird (and, at least in the case of my metamour, also very grade-school).

Some people don't do events together, and if that's what everyone wants, then it totally works. But. in cases where the schedule thing won't work because of limited time, a special case, etc., then yes, it's either the person who won't do events bows out because that is their boundary, or they get bent about others not having the same boundaries. It sounds like you're totally okay with not doing the events and ceding or reworking that time and your partners are on the same page, so it works well for your situation. This doesn't read to be the same thing: her partner clearly wants to be able to share things, so she either has to learn to renegotiate her boundary or he will have to. He's made it clear he's not going to, and she's asking for advice on changing. It also reads as though she hasn't really been okay with not attending special events in the past, so clearly something has to give.

And, for me, being able to be civil and in the same space in passing means a lot, because it means if something goes wrong there's one less stress to deal with. If my partner ends up in the hospital, I want to be able to go visit, and I want anyone important in their life to be able to visit, without a huge scheduling hassle. If my partner has a death in their family or friend group, I don't want them to have the additional stress of trying to figure out how to deal with metamours not being able to be in the same place at the same time. Etc. So, it's important for me to be able to have reasonable, if someone distant or professional, interactions with those in my partner's lives when things aren't going poorly.
 
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That's true. I have felt left out. I definitely want to be present during these things. So something has got to give for both of us.
 
I know why this thread seems so familiar, T made a post here too. Its interesting to see two sides of the story from the different perspective
 
That's true. I have felt left out. I definitely want to be present during these things. So something has got to give for both of us.

Thats part of being poly imo. Eve n from my perspective as a hinge there's been times I wish I wa experiencing it with the other too (not at the same time becasuse that would just be super awkward for me ) sometimes you just get left out amd you just have to deal with it . It'sababsurd to me to do stuff in a group if all parties aren't comfortable with it
 
Yeah, I can see that. Being left out has kind of been my thing. But neither of us are happy with that arrangement. Which is why my friends are insisting I find "anotha lova". But, I move slow in matters of the heart. It's very uncommon for me to meet people I um, get, on most levels, especially romantically. But, my eyes are open!

And I am working on my heart. I really am...
 
. . . my friends are insisting I find "anotha lova". But, I move slow in matters of the heart. It's very uncommon for me to meet people I um, get, on most levels, especially romantically. But, my eyes are open!

He is my only relationship. I have dated other people in the past but, am not currently.

So, when you wrote this:
. . . I have relationships with other men, of which, I tell him absolutely nothing about, because, to me it has nothing to do with him.
... did you mean that in general you "have relationships with other men," but are not now?

I think it is interesting that you were the one who suggested poly to your SO when connecting with other lovers isn't easy for you and you call yourself anti-social.
 
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