He just wants extra

Well, he hopes to find a woman who is a good fit for him/me/our family and then see where it goes. I think he will have an easy time finding a woman, he is very handsome and smart and charming.

I don't know what will happen. I'll probably just try to find a side boyfriend to keep me busy or something. Sad and pathetic, cause I know I'd only be wanting this other guy to help boost my self-esteem and keep loneliness away when J is searching/dating.

The right move for my family would be him realizing that the relationship we have with each other and all of our children is precious and since he says he is totally content with me, our sex life is great, he's not unhappy, he would grow the fuck up and just not date/fall in love with another woman now. Perhaps when the kids are older? Or after I've done major therapy so that I'm more self-confident?

My parents know what is going on and they don't want him at their house for Thanksgiving, so that's awesome - not. And yes, I'm talking about all of this stuff with my therapist.

As far as the relationship with another woman, I'd prefer a hierarchy, but I know that is frowned upon/unfair towards new relationship partners.

Why are your parents involved in this at all? That sounds like a horrible thing to do because now it's likely going to damage their relationship with J for a long time.

I don't really think it's fair to find a "side boyfriend" just to keep you busy. I mean, he'd be a person with feelings, too- he's not just a toy or a hobby.

This is really not sounding like something you want, so I'm not sure why you don't ask him to hold off until you're more comfortable with the idea, or to end the relationship if he isn't willing to do so. If you're upset and anxious now, I can't see how it's going to get better when he's actually dating if these issues are unresolved.
 
I understand where J is coming from. If he's been poly all his adult life, it's normal for him.

And your NRE for him (after all, you've only been together 2 years) blinded you to the fact he was serious about continuing in poly relationships.

Now I totally understand you've got 5 kids to consider. They are no doubt getting used to being all siblings together. You don't want to upset that apple cart so soon after getting married and blending your family.

Many poly people do NOT date when they have school age kids. I personally am poly, but besides the occasional crush, had no interest in poly until my 3 kids were teens. Between school (we homeschooled), field trips, play dates, birthday parties for them and friends, holiday planning and executing, and taxiing kids to activities, doctor visits (one of my kids was special needs), dentist, orthodontist, shopping for clothes and school materials, music and dance lessons, sports practice and games, scouts, their youth groups on Sunday nights, theatrical performances and recitals, on and on, plus my volunteer work and occasional part time paid work, and the usual cooking and cleaning and pet care, I had no time or energy for romance, besides what I could fit in with my (now ex) husband.

Now, I am seeing a guy, who is a newlywed with a woman he's known 2 years. They have 5 kids from their former marriages. He's too busy to see me often. I am thinking I will be lucky to see him every 3 weeks. (Besides me and his wife, he also has another gf.)

What kind of time can you even negotiate for J to go out and search for a proper gf? Isn't he needed evenings to help with homework and bedtime routines, cooking and cleaning, and on weekends for kids' activities and home and yard maintenance and car maintenance, and maybe a date with YOU?

I am not sure how many kids he had with his ex wife, but if he was poly with her, how often did he see others then? Was she poly too?

I am thinking you maybe shouldn't have told your parents about your husband's poly plans... eek. Now they feel they are his enemies. They think he's a cheater. And you are so suspicious of him, you think he's cheating when he goes to work, or an extra meeting or whatever.

I don't have anxiety syndrome, but all this would make me depressed. It's just a shame you didn't take him at his word going in, that he was not monogamous by nature.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. How old are the kids? Do your parents babysit a lot?
 
Last edited:
Back
Top