Good poly, it seems to me, is the art of treating at least three people well simultaneously— you, your first partner, and your second partner.
So often, I see people drop one or more from the equation. Might be themselves- caught between making people happy, or being codependent. Might be the new person- in a tricky situation, they default to treating the old relationship well- and thinking they are therefore “doing the right thing”. It’s only the right thing if when doing it, you take the additional step of making sure your partner and yourself are also being treated like valued human beings. Could be the old person, in a whirl of NRE about the new person.
It’s perhaps easiest in a triad, where all value the well being of every part, and are affected by all treatment, so there is advocacy on all sides of it is healthy. Though just as one perspn’s Needs can dominate with two, they can also with three.
It’s perhaps hardest in a V if one person actually fears what will happen if their partner treats others well- will they get treated badly?
The only true allaying of those fears is a continued commitment to really high standards of treatment for all people in the group, and watching treatment of you get better, not worse, as someone dates.
I think, for me, the greatest predictor of success from what I can see in a V is “does the other person balance themselves and me well? Do I find I have to stand up for myself a lot, or watch out for their needs, or is it an easy flowing relationship where balance is really simple?”
If a skill isn’t evident with two, it’s not going to be there with three.
So often, I see people drop one or more from the equation. Might be themselves- caught between making people happy, or being codependent. Might be the new person- in a tricky situation, they default to treating the old relationship well- and thinking they are therefore “doing the right thing”. It’s only the right thing if when doing it, you take the additional step of making sure your partner and yourself are also being treated like valued human beings. Could be the old person, in a whirl of NRE about the new person.
It’s perhaps easiest in a triad, where all value the well being of every part, and are affected by all treatment, so there is advocacy on all sides of it is healthy. Though just as one perspn’s Needs can dominate with two, they can also with three.
It’s perhaps hardest in a V if one person actually fears what will happen if their partner treats others well- will they get treated badly?
The only true allaying of those fears is a continued commitment to really high standards of treatment for all people in the group, and watching treatment of you get better, not worse, as someone dates.
I think, for me, the greatest predictor of success from what I can see in a V is “does the other person balance themselves and me well? Do I find I have to stand up for myself a lot, or watch out for their needs, or is it an easy flowing relationship where balance is really simple?”
If a skill isn’t evident with two, it’s not going to be there with three.