Idealist Poly Blog

Idealist Poly Blog Part 43- still polyamorous and lovin' it!!!

It's been a while since I've posted!! Still living a happy poly life!! Me and Richard are still primary partners. He purchased a 2nd home and we are remodeling it. It is 2 1/2 hours away from my home and his 1st home but it's on a bayou and we're thinking about getting a boat!
He lives over there most of the time...he comes home on weekends, but he will also go up to a month without coming home. We did spend 2 weeks together over the Holidays and that was awesome!!
We went to the local swingers club for New Years Eve and had a blast.
Met a couple that lives pretty close to me!
He had a date this evening with someone he had met on POF and that went pretty good! She only lives 40 minutes from his 2nd home- the place he lives at during the week, so if it goes good, he will have someone in that area to spend time with!
It's a lot harder for him to find women who aren't trying to possess and demand monogamy, so he gets excited when he meets someone. It went well tonight and she will be returning to his house on Tuesday- and he said "bring your overnite clothes" and she said "okay"....so we'll see!!
I also recently met a new guy....I went on Match for the free 30 days and then cancelled my membership. He met me and some friends out and Richard was with us too, so they got to meet each other. Come to find out, they went to school together in this small town in North Louisiana!! Small world!!!
So, I'm hoping to have some polyamory activity soon, now that Richard is somewhat occupied with this new woman. I have a handful of people- mostly couples that would like to meet me by myself and I'm open to that for sure!!
So- hoping to get active on here again for a while....I miss it!!!
 
Our Polyamory Relationship seen in a different light

I have become a Professional and Life Coach working with Teams and Individuals!! There is a system of looking at Professional Teams that has proven to be extremely effective in the business arena! These 8 aspects of a productive Team can also be applied to any type of group or relationship. The research was taken from a Gallup Poll which surveyed 1,000,000 employees in 45 different industries and internationally as well. These are the 8 aspects of the environment which supports healthy relationships. Just for the fun of it, I applied it to the poly relationship I'm in now and it's pretty cool. I invite anyone to do the same and share it if you are open to it!!!

1. Express Authentic Appreciation— Since we are so compatible on an essence and values level, we do experience a lot of authentic appreciation for one another. We each share a value of freedom and the desire of being available to share connections with other partners or potential partners. The ability to pursue these connections and then share our feelings and experiences with each other is something that we really appreciate.

2. Address Shared Interests—We both enjoy live music- especially outdoor concerts- cooking meals together- hosting and/or attending house parties with other like minded couples who have open relationships. We both enjoy building and remodeling houses, so we are working on a remodel project now for an old home he recently purchased. He likes sporting events, so I watch them with him. I enjoy dancing, so he goes dancing with me occasionally.

3. Include Appropriately— We include each other in the pursuits we both enjoy and we do not expect each other to participate in or attend events they are not interested in. If that event requires an escort, we are free to attend the event with another partner. Occasionally, one of us (or both of us) will bring a secondary partner(s) in and share an event with the three/four of us which makes the secondary partner(s) feel somewhat included in our primary relationship dynamics and it allows each of us to feel included to a certain extent in the dynamics of the secondary relationships.


4. Keep All Your Agreements—when we started the poly lifestyle, we had more agreements than were necessary, so gradually we reduced them as we got more comfortable. Our agreements are to be completely honest, trust one another, respect one another and be considerate.


5. Live in Reality-based Optimism— We regularly adjust our reality-based optimism as reality is experienced. We stay in reality by sharing our thoughts, feelings, desires and disappointments. As we support one another in authentic sharing, the reality becomes foundational. We have had some surprises in terms of how we expected to react or respond to different aspects of this experience. As we process the actual reactions and responses, our optimism is based on experiential reality.

6. Be Outcome Committed—We are committed to nurture our long term connection with each other in honesty, trust and respect. We show that by continuing to create things together for the future and we look towards the future and our lives together in that future.

7. Avoid Blaming and Complaining—we did a fair amount of this in the beginning when we were monogamous and trying to possess one another. We also had the idea that “you are my everything” and there was more pressure on each of us which led to frequent disappointment with one another. Since opening our relationship several years ago, there hasn’t been any blaming or complaining.

8. Clarify Roles, Authority, and Accountability—We gladly take on roles and authority over the areas which align with our individual strengths and talents- and we alternately surrender roles and authority over the areas we are not so suited for. The honesty, trust and respect that we have for one another supports an accountability which comes naturally.
 
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I love this! Sorry, nothing less inane to say atm.
 
Four Way last weekend and date this Thursday!!

Richard and I had met a couple a few weeks ago and there was a mutual attraction all the way around!! We invited them over this weekend and had a great time!! We really enjoyed each other's company. We were very comfortable. The guy knows one of my first cousins and he knows Richard's brother. OMG...it's a small world!! But, we like that. It makes us feel better about people when we know their backgrounds and their families.

She is stunningly beautiful!! Long curly black hair and large beautiful breasts. She and I started dancing, then kissing, then dancing more......I just about quit breathing when she started reaching under my skirt. She was expecting to feel a thong, but she didn't....she instead found a moist area.....if you know what I mean. She exclaimed with pleasure which made me laugh and I said "what did you find?" She said "You're ready" so I said....well.....let's go.....come on guys!!!! Several hours later she and I got into the Jacuzzi together while the guys served us fruit with chocolate sauce!!

Now....I have a date with a new guy!!! I had decided I was ready to find a new male partner, so I signed onto match for a free 30 day trial. I found a guy on there (I'll call him Pete)....in his photo, he resembled my primary partner, Richard!! We talked on the phone and I really liked his voice and he was fun to talk to also!! I told him I am polyamorous and surprize surprize...he's cool with it!!! So- I was going out with Richard and a couple of female friends one night and Pete met us out. He was more attractive than his photo and turns out he and Richard grew up in the same home town!! He went to school with Richard's sister.

Richard is working and living 2 1/2 hours away from me during the week and will be there for most weekends until next summer. I like driving over there to spend the weekend, but I'm not really feeling like driving over there every weekend. He's working during the day anyway, so I'm just hanging around his rent house....he did buy a house there and is re-modeling it, so that will be much nicer when it's done!! Anyway- Sherie is spending a few days with Richard this week, so I was glad to get a mesage from Pete today!!

He asked me out and we are going to a really nice restarant and then out dancing to a nice club in town. I already know he likes to dance and dances good!! He lives about 50 miles away and the last time he came to town he booked a Hotel room in town. So- I'm hoping he does that again and I'm expecting to have a good meal....a few good drinks.....some dancing and then to the hotel room!! Yes!!
 
Wow... this is one of the most exciting blogs I've read thus far. Thanks for letting us all in, Idealist.

Well...thanks- I'm honored! :eek:
 
New Single Poly Male!!

My 2nd date with Pete went great!! Since we're poly, I invited a girl friend to accompany me on the date! Not something I ever did before when I was playing the "looking for a monogamous partner" game. But- he was thrilled that I invited her and we had a blast. She looked good!!

We went out to eat first at a really nice restaurant which gave us time to talk. He and I had a few phone conversations, but our first meeting was in a club with a lot of people, so this was the first time we got to sit and talk....getting to know one another. He is one of these laid back guys- smiles a lot and just goes with the flow....a true gentleman and interesting! And....he dances!!! That's a big plus for me!! The three of us danced together a lot and we would swap up for slow songs. The two of them hit it off pretty well!!

Around midnight, I began to talk about leaving. He had rented a room at a nearby hotel (since he was working in town that day and lives about an hour away) so I had come prepared to go back to the hotel, but I started introducing the idea of inviting my friend (I'll call her Marie) to join us. Part of me wanted to have some time to enjoy him by myself since this was going to be the first time for us to be sexual, but the three of us were having so much fun that I wanted to extend that into the bedroom!!

She did end up declining saying "I'm not prepared" and that could have a lot of meanings....so I said "next time" and we all agreed!

It did work out good for he and I. We got to his room and I had my little bag with my toothbrush and a lace camisole among other things. I excused myself to the bathroom where I freshened up a bit and put on the camisole. He was surprised when I came into the room! I also had my KY which I whipped out pretty much right away. He was already hard and really appreciated my getting things started like that!!

He kinda did that thing that guys do sometimes...reminds me of a kid in the candy store if you know what I mean!! It was nice....we enjoyed various positions and experimented with one another. After I had about 7 or 8 orgasms, I asked if he was ready to finish so he asked me to choose the position. I said- standing on the floor up to the edge of the bed and he was like "I love that too!"......I meant me standing and bent over with him entering from behind. So he positions me on my back with my butt up to the edge of the bed and he stood and started going for it! I'm thinking "he's going to flip me and stand me up and finish" but what actually happened is that apparently he thought this was the position I meant.....and in fact.....wow, it was a good position!! About an hour and a half after arriving, I was heading home!!

I am hoping to see him again and can imagine this being a long term thing!
I've had a vision of me, Richard, Pete and Marie getting together for social things (and more, I hope). He has an aunt that lives in New Orleans....well- we all love going to New Orleans for live music.....so I'm visualizing this!!!

I'm very happy with it all. I told Richard about it. He asked some questions and when he realized I was pleased with the evening and having visions of future get together which might include him, he seemed comfortable with that. I double checked with him "you did like him the first time we met?" and he said "yes". Then he said "well, baby, I'm glad you had a good time...that's great"!!!

There are several advantages of pursuing a relationship with Pete. He is a sensitive and thoughtful guy; financially successful, attractive, funny, easy going, and best of all- kind and loving, AND (like me) he is not into the dramatic emotional NRE stuff. I have nothing against that for anyone that enjoys it, but Richard and I avoid emotional NRE just like we avoid all the varying types of drama that can come along with people and relationships and that works for us. I think Pete feels the same way!

So- only time will tell, but I'm certainly hoping this leads to lots of fun and pleasurable socializing and more!!
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 44- my vision is coming true!!

Well---looks like I got my wish!!! me, Richard, Pete and Marie are going to New Orleans tomorrow! Marie invited a female friend, so I invited a male friend who lives there....and I invited a couple that Richard and I recently had the pleasure of meeting and spending an evening with! It's crazy because Mardi Gras was last weekend, but when you live here, you prefer things less crowded, so we decided to wait until after the crowds leave! We have 3 rooms in the same Hotel and I am bringing snacks, drinks and music...hoping to move the party to our room!! I really need this "escape" and of course, I will let everyone know how it goes!!!
 
Good Party!!!...with a bit of a different spin on the timing of things!!

OMG!!! Things turned out great!!

So.....me and Richard drove to New Orleans in time for lunch on Saturday. Marie hasn't had a sexual experience in three years, so she was getting nervous about sharing a room with me and Richard. She arrived before us and went ahead and booked a room for herself so she would have somewhere to go in case things got heated up and she wanted privacy.

Well, it sort of backfired on her because she ended up with a HUGE room......With a large corner Jacuzzi and a living room area, kitchen area with sink, fridge and microwave etc. and the rest of us got these small tiny rooms! Hahaha....so- we knew right away....the party is going to happen in Marie's room!!

Deana and Albert arrived around noon, so the 5 of us headed out for lunch in the French Quarter. Pete joined us down there.....

Around 6, we headed back to the room to re-group.

Around 7:30, the party started coming together!! Dave and Tammy arrived around that time. We all gathered in Marie's big room and started eating some snacks and having drinks.

I had prepared a special play list for the party on my iPod and I had my "portable" Bose speaker which ROCKS!! Everyone was looking to me for direction on how this party was going to play out.

Around 8:00, I wrote the numbers 1 to 8 on tiny slips of paper and everyone picked one. We went in order starting with number 1. Each person got to ask anything of anyone, several people or everybody....anything they wanted to ask for. The only rule was that you can say "No" and if you do then the person asking the question has to keep asking until they get a yes.

Pretty soon, most of our clothes were off and people were starting to dance and make out with each other. Dave asked me for a lap dance....this is something I've never done, but I started and it was fun. So-everyone is watching us- so I whispered to him asking if he wanted me to pull his pants down and see if I could get him hard- he said- I'm already hard and he was. So we popped on a condom and my lap dance turned into....well- you get the idea.

That was about the time Marie and Pete went to Pete's room. Albert's turn came up and he said he wanted a "lap dance" too....hahaha....so I told him to sit next to Dave and I grabbed my KY, put one of my legs between one guy's leg and the other leg between the other guy's leg and put some KY in my hands and went to town with both of them at the same time!

It was Richard's turn and he was heading for Deana, so I said- new rule....from now on, everyone else just keeps doing what they are doing while the next person takes their turn. So Richard says "I say we all move to the bed".......so the 6 of us did that!! It was super awesome!!!

And 2 hours later, we filled up the jacuzzi, rinsed off and.....went out to hear some live music in New Orleans!!! OMG.....we were all grinning from ear to ear.

We didn't get in until 2:00AM and we were glad that we were all ready to go right to sleep!!
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 45- A nice surprize!!

I had the pleasure of having a sexual encounter with two "swingers" (a male and a female) and at the end of the evening, we found ourselves making plans to spend a few days together- just the three of us- later in the year.

I’ve known Diane for about 18 years. We’ve been good friends. She has lived 5 hours away for the last 10 years, but we have stayed in touch and when she comes to town to visit family, we spend time together.

We met at church about 18 years ago. It was a Unity type church, so it was more open minded than a traditional conservative church. At the same time, we were both sexually conservative. Neither of us believed in casual sex and we had lots of boundaries about sex. Neither of us would have considered having sex with a guy right after meeting him.

Fast forward 16 years and Diane is complaining that she hasn’t been laid in over 2 years. About that time, I was experimenting with polyamory for the first time. I shared my thoughts and experiences with her. About a year later, when we could see that things were going good for me, I urged her to set up a profile on a swinger/poly dating site which she did. She jumped right in and now officially calls herself a swinger.

Since I’m bisexual and it’s been difficult for me to find a woman for myself, I’ve entertained the idea of what it would be like with Diane. She considers herself “straight” but dates couples and has had some good experiences with women, so she has expressed an openness in seeing what might happen if she and I would pursue something.

Well- we had the opportunity to have a FMF this weekend and OMG it was awesome! As I mentioned before, the three of us felt such an interest in one another that we are talking about developing more as a threesome!

For me, this is about transcending labels. Not as much avoiding labels, but not taking labels so seriously.


Sometimes, when polyamory people date and begin to have sexual relations with one another, it can resemble swinging. And sometimes when swingers find intimacy with one another, it can resemble polyamory. The lines aren’t as clear as people make them out to be. Polyamory people don’t want to be labeled as swingers because they want to be seen as focused on emotional intimacy and love- not just sex. Swingers want to have the sexual connection without the drama that love and NRE can bring, so they take the label of swinger as a protective measure which is supposed to keep them safe.

Well, guess what….a swinger label will not necessarily insure that a swinger will not fall in love and a poly label will not necessarily insure that a poly person will find more than a sexual connection.

So- I'm excited and we'll see where this goes!! Yeah!!
 
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Idealist Polyblog- part 46-- catching up

It's been a while since I've posted on my blog and I'm planning on getting back into it. I still enjoy reading everyone else's posts!!

So, my current configuration is that I still live alone and my primary male partner is Richard. He also lives alone and his 2nd home is 2 1/2 hours away- while his Primary home is in the town I live in. We've been together for about 10 years now- with a few one to two year separations within that period. His secondary partner (that he had been seeing for 2 years) has gotten into a mono relationship, so he isn't seeing her any more.

Interestingly enough- he recently re-connected with his first ex wife. They were only married for a few years and that was when they were really young. She lives in another state and they have stayed in touch all these years. A few weeks ago, he flew over there and spent a few days with her. She knows about me (we've talked on the phone) and about our lifestyle. They had a great time together and she had a bit of an emotional episode- minor- about a week later where she expressed some sadness about enjoying his company so much and now facing the long distance between them and the desire to have more of him.

Which wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that he is working full time and (still- it's been a year since he bought it) remodeling his second house while also maintaining his first house. Not to mention that he likes to spend time with me on weekends and we have a social life also. The fact that she is long distance makes it more difficult to fit her into the schedule.

The subject has been discussed a lot on this forum--- of time being one of the issues that comes into play when living a polyamorous lifestyle. With the presence of NRE and other exciting emotions, it can be a challenge to enjoy a new relationship, or the reviving of an old relationship while keeping it in perspective and allowing it to flourish with the amount of time there is for it.

I have a guy that I am really interested in, but our main obstacle is that his wife isn't really into me or Richard and she is not feeling super generous when it comes to sharing her husband with me. I'm being patient (it's been 3 years since we met) and he and I have only had one intimate evening together. She let him visit me at a Hotel in New Orleans with a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement-- so she doesn't know for sure what happened that night between us-- which is fine with me, but I wish she were more interested. The frustrating part is that I am very attracted to her also, but she is straight and doesn't seem to be interested in getting to know me at all.

I have rented a Condo on the Beach in Florida for the entire month of November and I have extended an invitation to them to visit me there. My goal is to get to know her better and I'm okay even if it is a vanilla weekend because I would like her to realize that I can be an interesting person and that I'm no threat to her. It wouldn't matter to me so much, but it seems to be important to him. They are pretty close-- they were childhood friends growing up and have been together all their lives. She has battled with (and overcome) cancer, and they were victims of Hurricane Katrina. So they've been through a lot together.

More later!.....
 
I have finally met the couple of my dreams! I will call them Carrie and Gary. It has been 2 ½ years since I set an intention and began to focus my attention on finding a couple.

Much is said in the polyamory community about the unicorn- that elusive bisexual single female wanting to be in a sexual relationship with a couple. That describes me and about 3 years ago I allowed myself to acknowledge my deep desire to meet a couple that I am mentally, emotionally and sexually compatible with.

That said- a true unicorn is sexually exclusive to that couple alone. I would not fit into that category. Now that I have discovered the world of non-monogamy, I can’t see myself going back to monogamy. Ethical non-monogamy is working very well for me at this stage in my life and I don’t see myself veering away from that.

My sincere desire for this ideal couple has been persistent and ever present. Not realizing it completely, I view every couple I meet through the lens of a Unicorn looking for her perfect couple and I have done so for many years now.

There are people on this site that just happened into a triad connection between a couple and a single female- they weren't looking for it. In fact, many people say- you will find it when you quit looking for it. And maybe that is partially true for me because I shifted my focus to finding couples that me and Richard are compatible with. And we have found 3 couples that we are mentally, emotionally, socially and sexually compatible with. We spend time with each of these couples and sometimes as a group. This was also one of my desires when I entered into a non--monogamous lifestyle- To create a social community of like minded individuals! We have plans in New Orleans for later in the month to attend an outdoor concert with all of our couple friends!

So, I guess my desire and determination combined with action steps (continuing to meet people and spend time with them) has finally paid off!!

Several weeks ago—while at the local lifestyle club, we ran into a couple we had met over two years ago when we first entered the lifestyle. Richard had no experience yet and I was still a bit unsure as to how I would react emotionally after being sexual with another couple or couples. This couple was experienced—they had been in the lifestyle for almost 10 years and they had been married for 35 years. Looking back, I’m pretty sure we were intimidated by them and we felt too inexperienced to pursue anything further with them- so we didn't.

Well, things have changed a lot in 2 ½ years! We have had lots of experience now and we feel very confident in the lifestyle.

Seeing them reminded me of how attractive they are to me. I found myself thinking “here is a couple that I could really enjoy”. She is friendly, talkative, sexy and confident. He is also confident and friendly- not as talkative, but not shy either- a perfect gentleman.

I couldn't remember everything we had talked about when we first met, so I asked her if she is bisexual. She said “yes” and the more we talked the more I remembered that she had expressed a desire to have a female partner- for herself mainly, but someone that could also enjoy her husband.

This is a woman who truly wants and desires female intimacy and companionship first- which is hard to find. Often women are motivated primarily by how this turns on the men in their lives. Granted—I am a voyeur and I love “performing” for others, but my desire for female intimacy is genuine and deep rooted. It seems that Carrie feels the same way!

More later…….
 
Need advice from married women with polyamory husbands

I met a guy and his wife almost three years ago. I'll call them Lee and Judy. Lee and I had an instant attraction. We danced and talked all evening. The chemistry was amazing!

We have stayed in touch and have done some things socially. Lee made it clear to Judy that he would like to have more of a connection with me including a sexual one and I also told my primary partner Richard that I would very much like to have an opportunity to spend more time with Lee.

Richard has been supportive, but Judy has been more hesitant. I have spent the time since we met making efforts to show Judy that I honor their 35 year marriage and that I am not a threat to their relationship.

This weekend, Lee and I spent an incredible night together for the first time with Judy's permission. I would like to send her a small thoughtful gift to represent my appreciation for her and to stand as a symbol to her that I will continue to honor what they have together.

After one of the most passionate and erotic nights of my life, my thoughts were on her today as I waited to hear from Lee that she is okay today. He assured me that "Judy seems very okay". I know things can come up later, so I will feel better if she still feels okay a week from now and even better if I can continue to see Lee occasionally with her blessings.

My question to you guys- what are some of the ideas you can come up with as a small gift to her- a simple small gift.

One thought I had was a small heart shaped crystal container with a top- the kind you can put earrings in etc. I have one at home and one at Richards house and I enjoy them.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
 
Since I am reading through the life blogs...your past words and future polite niceness would be enough, I would actually feel pretty uncomfortable if somebody gave me a physical gift after having sex with my husband for the first time. I don't mind if metamours give me gifts on holidays, birthdays (and I like giving gifts then too), but a "I just had sex with your partner and I think your partnership is super awesome, and you don't have to worry that I have ill intent" gift would probably make me feel really weird when I was feeling OK before then.
 
I have to second Anneintherain here. I would feel very weird if one of my husbands girlfriends would give me a personal gift.
If gift-giving is important to you you might consider giving them something they can share, like a nice bottle of wine or some home made cookies or something. This I have experienced and enjoyed (and have done it myself for BF and his partner).
 
I agree with Cleo and AnneintheRain. It would make me feel uncomfortable every time I looked at it if someone gave me a "thanks for letting me shag your husband for the first time" gift. Not that I usually have issues with my husband being with other people, but just the connotation of that gift just would vibe wrong with me. My husband's girlfriend has gotten me peaches when she goes to the farmer's market in the summer because she knows that I love them. Something like that, that can be consumed and not be a constant reminder of the situation and the reason for the gift, would probably be the best if you feel compelled to give her something.
 
Thanks for the feedback!

Thanks to all of you for your feedback. I’ve decided to do nothing right now. This is what I needed to hear and I knew I could find the answers I was seeking from wives who can relate!

Anneintherain - I understand that my true desire is simply that she is okay and if she is okay then there is really nothing I need to do. I’ve already done all of the work which has been keeping healthy boundaries and because of that it is best that I do nothing at this time!

Cleo- I really like your idea of something they can share. And I’m thinking that this gift would be given later….not now. Any other ideas of things they could share?? I would be mailing it to them.

Hannahfluke-Your point really hit home for me. Thanks. This is what I needed to hear. My boundaries are back in place!
 
I wanted to add that Lee thought sending Judy a gift was a good idea and he sent me their address (I've never been to their home) but I will share what you guys have said with him and go from there!
 
I fell in love with his wife! and it shocked me!

Hello all - it's been a while! I am still with Richard (as my primary partner) and everything is going good between me and a married couple I am calling Carrie and Gary. We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months and I can see that this could very well be a long term connection! They are stable, loving, sexual, friendly and have a great relationship.

My issue today is about something that happened last weekend with Lee & Judy. I met them 3 years ago. 5 months ago, she let him come and spend the night with me for the first time. I just found out today that it is the first time she has been comfortable enough for him to spend the night with a girl friend.

After that evening, I had gotten some much needed advice here from Annieintherain, Cleo and Hannahfluke about sending a gift to her- as a thank you for trusting me enough to let him spend the night with me. They advised that I should not send her a gift or that if I did, I should give something to both of them that they could share- or something for the house. I took the advice and am so glad I did, because he has another girlfriend that sent the wife a gift (trying to win her over) the wife told me directly how tacky she thought that was. (I gave them a nice candle when I got there this weekend and that seemed fine!)

Anyway…..last week they invited me to come to their house on Saturday to go out for dinner, dancing and music. And- to spend the night….in the guest bedroom……it’s a big step for all of us. So- I agreed. I found out today that I was the first person to be invited to spend the night also.

She and I still hadn’t had any quality social time together, so I was glad that they were at the place where they were ready to take that step. She knows I am bisexual and she is straight. In all of these years she hasn’t expressed any interest in getting to know me on any level, so I have respected that.

Which is why I was so surprised when she opened up to me and shared some really personal and emotional things about herself with me. We had a lot of fun, dancing, laughing and sharing. It was like I had known her all my life.

So- why did I start crying on the way home and again that afternoon when talking to a friend about it. Even today as I talked to another friend, I cried.

When I woke up this morning and thought about it, I heard myself in my mind say “I fell in love with her this weekend.” The sadness is about the fact that it will be unrequited since she is not bisexual- so my thoughts are…… I can’t let her know about it because if she finds out it could ruin everything.

The sadness is also about the fact that I could be hurt now. Because of these intense and unexpected feelings for her, if she rejects me now then I could be hurt. I’m not as concerned about that, but some of the emotions are also about how vulnerable I feel now. I don’t want to hurt her in any way either- I never have wanted to- and now that I have seen her vulnerable side, I am in full awareness of the responsibility that comes with being in my position.

He wants me in his life and I want him in my life. But- I found that after being with both of them, I could finally see his total self. I shared with both of them on Sunday morning that until now, something was missing. She asked “what was missing?” and I said “You.” The two of them are so much a part of each other that being in love with one of them is not ever going to be a complete experience. But now that I have connected with her, I so desire loving them as a couple. I just don’t know how to do it, but maybe I don't need to know.....can't know right now. I have a deep and authentic desire to love them in my own way and to express it in a way that they are individually comfortable with and comfortable with as a couple.

After talking with several friends, this is my conclusion: Just move forward one day at a time and be myself. It is her decision on how much time she and I or the three of us spend together. And I will honor whatever she is comfortable with.

That said, I really hope to spend more time with them. The three of us have never been sexually intimate. She is simply not ready for that and may never be. But- he told me that he’s not sure why because her favorite sexual configuration is a three-way. I’m thinking it has something to do with the fact that they have always had casual sexual relations….. and when I came along- that’s not what I’m about. So- maybe there is a fear brought on by the heightened emotional intimacy.

In any case- I know there are many wise polyamorous people here. I have benefited greatly from this forum. If anyone has any words of wisdom or feedback, I would be happy to hear it!!
 
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