Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

But then again, he didn't ask why there were 2 dads and one mom when our friends visited. I don't think he's really aware or really cares to know. I'm sure he'll ask when he's ready.

It occurs to me that there's nothing new about a family that has three or four parents... Lots of families split up, find new partners, and continue being a family because of the children these days. They work together and continue to be friends, and from the outside or the child's perspective, it may look EXACTLY like a poly situation. And in most respects, it IS the same. Just not the sex, which is really none of the children's business anyway.
 
I wouldn't go into too much information. Maybe just relate that you and your partner care for each other very much and let the child ask any questions.

As for their father, you may have to watch out if he may try to use that to get the kids. From what I have seen, it was a bigger concern in the 90's and less so over time.

I am very out. (I even wrote an article for my local paper on polyamory.) I find that for the most part, people are more confused about it than judgmental. I have even had people get defensive over their choice to be monogamous even though I saw poly is not for everyone.
 
It occurs to me that there's nothing new about a family that has three or four parents... Lots of families split up, find new partners, and continue being a family because of the children these days. They work together and continue to be friends, and from the outside or the child's perspective, it may look EXACTLY like a poly situation. And in most respects, it IS the same. Just not the sex, which is really none of the children's business anyway.

I absolutely agree. Kids shouldn't know about the sex anyway. SluttyUnicorn has a daughter and an ex who takes the LittleGIrl (LG) for visits. LG has been raised somewhat poly in that her mom has had multiple partners before and it is not unusual for the LG to se her mom in bed with numerous people. Because of this, LG pretty much immediately began crawling in bed with us in the mornings.

At first she would only crawl in bed if it was SU and I, after DaJoshy went to work (he works 3AM-9Am and then again in the afternoon) and would wake her mom up if he was in the bed. We sleep with him in the middle, and the LG crawls on the opposite side of her mom, which she just naturally did. Thee have now been mornings where her mom is not in the bed in the morning because of the car or work schedule situation, so she has crawled into the bed with just me, but even then she stays on the other side of the bed and doesn't yet cuddle with me.

She doesn't really ever ask why we all sleep together. SU ex knows the situation completely, including that LG sees us in bed, which helps a LOT, but then again, the fact that SU was honest with him about her preferred living situation, it wasn't a shock to him that she was in this relationship.

LG seems to love climbing in bed when DaJoshy is in the bed now because her favorite thing to do is wrestle with him (which is also his FAVORIEST THING to do as well) and I have made the three of them breakfast in bed, which LG absolutely thought was THE GREATEST thing in the world!! To her the whole being in the same bed thing is like a big sleepover all the time. Everyone always has clothes on before anyone sleeps when she is in the house.

It has often worked out that SU and DJ would go into the bedroom while LG is still dong her "bedtime routine" which includes watching a movie in her room. She isnt asleep, but she is isnt up with us either. There is a chance she could get up and come into the bedroom, so DJ and SU would both have gone without sex if it was just them. Because my sex drive isnt as strong or frequent as theirs is, I have no problem being on the computer doing school work or other stuff while they give each other what they both need. I join in when I want to, and in my own way.

We have had a laughable moment or two in all this. The other say we were talking about her mommy being a unicorn, LG said "I want to be a Unicorn!!!!" and we all laughed and DJ told her that was a decision she had to make when she got older LOL

There was also the time in the car over the weekend when we sent her mom in to grab something from the food store and LG said "Go get my mom, get him (pointing at someone in the parking lot) get everyone in here now" I jokingly said "Yes, Joshy would love that wouldnt he" LOL. We laugh about these things that would never have happened if we hadnt made the choices we made.
 
Our daughter is 15, we had no choice as she saw the change in the way dad was treating B and wanted to know straight up why I would "allow" dad to flirt with my friend. We've been trying to explain it and get her to read some information but mostly she sees the following connections..
1. dad/mom "belong" to each other
2. B is supposed to be mom's friend
3. mom is obviously hurt/confused/upset
4. dad is obviously confused/upset

and basically her response is just anger! So I don't know how you would ever keep it from any child, but a teen... nope not if the metamour is a family friend. I don't know ??

One thing though, explaining to her how loving someone doesn't mean "owning" them and all that that entails has been very helpful for my own journey the last few weeks!
 
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I agree, my teenage daughter was horrified too.

I was at a poly group meeting on Sunday and a couple who live with his girlfriend and her teenage daughter as well as their own daughter, described themselves as a poly family, yet supposedly the kids had no idea about the physical/romantic connections. It was bizarre to me

i
 
I agree, my teenage daughter was horrified too.

I was at a poly group meeting on Sunday and a couple who live with his girlfriend and her teenage daughter as well as their own daughter, described themselves as a poly family, yet supposedly the kids had no idea about the physical/romantic connections. It was bizarre to me

i

My guess is the kids know. Kids are smart and they pick up on that stuff much more than adults realize. They probably know, but either don't want to talk about it, or don't care. :)
 
My 14-year old daughter and I watch "Sister Wives" together, and she started begging me for my husband (her step-dad) to get us a sister wife! We joke around about it a lot. What she doesn't know is that there is a "brother husband" already behind the scenes, ha!!! Who she knows and adores -- he is a former neighbor and friend of the family -- but she has no idea there is anything going on between us. My men don't want to be outed, at all. Already my mom, sister, and two 20-something daughters know. But we've all agreed to remain closeted in our community.

Now, my husband has a new girlfriend. She texts him all the time and I just know the kids are going to figure this out any day now! They're not stupid. If she ever comes around, my kids will KNOW. Dad just does not have female friends casually stopping by, EVER. And this girl is no churchmouse! I haven't met her yet myself, but I've seen pictures and she looks like Bombshell Barbie!!!

Yesterday my two teenage girls found some body scrub (the gf bought it for him/gave him a foot massage the other day) in his car, and I am surprised they didn't ask me, "MOM, WHAT IS THIS DOING IN STEPDADDY'S CAR???" The were oblivious, just wanted to know, "Hey, can we use some of this?" O-Kay, girls!

The 14-year old loves the Sister Wife concept, however I'm sure the 16-year old would be completely horrified! Not to mention our 11-year old son, who is already learning all about how everyone is only allowed ONE love. Every time we say a girl is cute, he says, "So what. I have a GIRLFRIEND." I would never want him to think his dad (or mom) is a god-forsaken CHEATER. Ugh, yeah, conventional society is really doing a number on my kids. :(
 
Question; what of the other end of this... too much information? What is enough and what is too much? I heard of a situation where a woman had four casual sex partners in one weekend while her teen daughters were in hearing and seeing distance. Is this too much? Where is the line drawn between not saying a word and spilling it all?
 
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I don't really think anyone much wants intimate details unless there is a special understanding betweens partners. I prefer to be honest with grown up and teenage kids because I think it is damaging to the relationship with them if you preach one thing and then go and do another. I wouldn't do anything that I would be ashamed to share with them. On the other hand I don't ram anything down their throats. My girls don't approve of polyamory and it has probably come between us somewhat but I would rather have that than be living a lie. This is after all who I am and I would want them to be honest with me about their lives even if they make choices I don't necessarily agree with.
 
I am in a MFM triad. We have been a triad for over a year now. We have two adult kids (they came w me, they are my children from a previous marriage), one whom is 20 and married and living on her own, another a son,18, whom has recently moved back into our family home due to finding out the world is alot harder than he thought on his own...

Our daughter seems to be pretty ok with our triad, she asks me all the time how "daddy" and "dad" are doing when we have conversations..etc. To avoid confusion, "daddy" is the step father whom she has known since she was 8... "dad" is my significant other, who also happens to be both of my kids "God-Father" and has known both of the kids since birth.

It is the boy that seems to have more issue with our triad. Before he moved out he knew about our triad and never said one thing about it.. he moved out at 18, and then has had to move back home due to finding out the world is not as he thought it would be. Since being back in the family home he and I have had some heated discussions about the triad. On numerous occassions he has said that "ppl he hangs with" dont agree with our triad... so that tells me he has apparently talked to his peers about it.. I recognise that he seems to have an issue with this triad, but bottom line, I feel it is best to be honest about it than to lie to him and damage our relationship due to lies. Currently our relationship is a little strained, but I would rather have that than live a lie.

Most recently he has become very disrespectful of myself and SO... and has become very opinionated and disrespectful of our relationship.. to the point I want so badly to tell him that my relationships are frankly none of his business and that as long as he lives in my house, he will maintain a respectful attitude and mannerism toward those living in this house... what would you do in this situation? How would you handle it?
 
he moved out at 18, and then has had to move back home due to finding out the world is not as he thought it would be. Since being back in the family home he and I have had some heated discussions about the triad. . . . Most recently he has become very disrespectful of myself and SO... and has become very opinionated and disrespectful of our relationship.. to the point I want so badly to tell him that my relationships are frankly none of his business and that as long as he lives in my house, he will maintain a respectful attitude and mannerism toward those living in this house... what would you do in this situation? How would you handle it?

Wait a minute - your son moved out, found the world a tough place, was graciously invited to move back home by you... AND has the audacity to talk shit to you about how you live your life? He'd be out on his ass in a heartbeat if he were my son and did that to me. But then again, I was a teenager in the 70s and we were expected to be self-sufficient by 18. The first decent paying job I had, at age 16, and I was required by my mother to contribute financially for groceries, household, etc. I moved out at 18 and came back for a bit, too, but giving her lip would not be tolerated. Once we had a fight and I stayed two weeks in a motor inn until I apologized (I was 19). If not for that cultivation of independence, I couldn't have moved to NYC at age 23 to be on my own. I have little tolerance for the brattiness and sense of entitlement I see in teenagers today. Not saying he is like that, but that's the culture of his peers, and it seems to have rubbed off on him.

Remember, he's not a kid you have to take care of anymore. He's an adult grubbing off of you. If he's that disrespectful, it means he is ungrateful. Not only should he be paying you rent, he should keep his judgments and opinions to himself.

I sincerely hope he doesn't have you doing his laundry, too.
 
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What would you do in this situation? How would you handle it?

He's still quite young, and only really on the cusp of adulthood. I'd talk to him about it as such, and treat him like a nearly grown up child who has needs and wants relative to that age.

I'd stand my ground firmly while letting him know that I'm sensitive to his feelings and thoughts, fears and hopes, or whatever. And I'd encourage him to talk openly about his feelings, worries....

I'd speak from my heart about my own needs, concerns, fears, worries..., and let him know that while I deeply respect my son's needs and wants, I'm going to have to live my own life as I see fit, it being my own life after all. But I'd also be clear that I have empathy and compassion for my son in this situation.

Much depends on whether he generally has treated you with respect and consideration. If not, some of the above may need slight modification. You may have to tell him to stay out of your business and insist that he treat all of the family with respect, even if it isn't felt on his part. In this way, you'd definitely be treating him like a child, rather as a young adult.
 
Wait a minute - your son moved out, found the world a tough place, was graciously invited to move back home by you... AND has the audacity to talk shit to you about how you live your life? He'd be out on his ass in a heartbeat if he were my son and did that to me. But then again, I was a teenager in the 70s and we were expected to be self-sufficient by 18. The first decent paying job I had, at age 16, and I was required by my mother to contribute financially for groceries, household, etc. I moved out at 18 and came back for a bit, too, but giving her lip would not be tolerated. Once we had a fight and I stayed two weeks in a motor inn until I apologized (I was 19). If not for that cultivation of independence, I couldn't have moved to NYC at age 23 to be on my own. I have little tolerance for the brattiness and sense of entitlement I see in teenagers today. Not saying he is like that, but that's the culture of his peers, and it seems to have rubbed off on him.

Remember, he's not a kid you have to take care of anymore. He's an adult grubbing off of you. If he's that disrespectful, it means he is ungrateful. Not only should he be paying you rent, he should keep his judgments and opinions to himself.

I sincerely hope he doesn't have you doing his laundry, too.

WOW, thanks sooo much for replying to my post NYC, I was starting to wonder if I was justified in feeling EXACTLY as you have posted... you know, the part about me letting him come back to the home and by the way, you hit the nail on the head, he dont pay shit around here, he dont help, nothing.... in fact, you are right, he is an adult grubbing off of us.. last night was frustrating as hell, he had the audacity to bitch and complain that one of his friends parents (said friend is 19, and no job, but living at mommy n daddys home still) keep hardly any food in the house and how thats not right, etc... I kindly reminded him, like myself, his friends parents are not under any legal obligation to provide for the now adult child... he became angry with me.

Every evening for the past couple of weeks I have dreaded the time that my son comes home.. in fact I hope every night that he comes in after my loving guys are home, because it means his (the sons) mouth remains firmly closed when the guys are around...usually. I hate that my son obviously does not love me enough to only care about my happiness whatever that may be... but it is the way it is.. I will continue to enjoy my life for the good things I have and the wonderful men that I am so lucky to have share my life... as for the son, I think it is getting to be time that he move on to his own place...

Thanks for putting that into perspective NYC... :)
 
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He's still quite young, and only really on the cusp of adulthood. I'd talk to him about it as such, and treat him like a nearly grown up child who has needs and wants relative to that age.

I'd stand my ground firmly while letting him know that I'm sensitive to his feelings and thoughts, fears and hopes, or whatever. And I'd encourage him to talk openly about his feelings, worries....

I'd speak from my heart about my own needs, concerns, fears, worries..., and let him know that while I deeply respect my son's needs and wants, I'm going to have to live my own life as I see fit, it being my own life after all. But I'd also be clear that I have empathy and compassion for my son in this situation.

Much depends on whether he generally has treated you with respect and consideration. If not, some of the above may need slight modification. You may have to tell him to stay out of your business and insist that he treat all of the family with respect, even if it isn't felt on his part. In this way, you'd definitely be treating him like a child, rather as a young adult.

Wise thoughts too, Thanks River!

For a little back ground history, my son has never been the most respectful to me while I was raising him anyhow, so he is merely continueing the behavior that he has always had toward me. Mind you, I have stuggled for years to correct his behavior and so has my hubby over the years, it is lately since the boy has gotten a gf and thinks he knows all the answers to life and that I should live my life as he sees fit, not how I see fit.

I do think we are at the point that next time his mouth gets to running like the dogs bowels after eating pork.... I may not be able to refrain from getting quite mean while saying it is none of his damn business... I do see your point about treating him as a child, I really dont want to have to do that, however, I fear he leaves me no choice due to his lack of respect for those living in the household and our relationships with eachother. Personally, I dont really care if he ever accepts this triad, it is not his life, it is mine and my partners lives to live and deal with... just wish the boy understood it is not really his place to make decisions for me regarding my life or to make waves in the life I choose to live.
 
More young people are living at home these days as work is getting a bit more scarce... it's not just your son.

What needs to be addressed the most is next time he says his friends don't approve of triads. Well, he needs to know that you don't really care what his friends think of anything, because they don't rule your life.

Teenagers are always very concerned about what their friends think, and it's part of growing up to stop caring about your peer's opinions and do what you want.
 
More young people are living at home these days as work is getting a bit more scarce... it's not just your son.
Perhaps, but that doesn't mean they have any excuse for not conducting themselves as responsible adults and giving their fair share of time, energy, and money into the household. Parents do not have an obligation to take their offspring back in (I say "offspring" because they are no longer children) and support them just because things are tough. If they do take them back in, it should ideally be negotiated as two parties of adults with rules and/or a time limit agreed to, with a goal of them working toward their own independence and showing respect for the people whose home they have come back into.
 
As a teen myself [19], I'd like to chip in. First off, the teen bashing is great. =P Even I've been guilty of acting that way at times, though I always try better myself. I won't let nature win. =] I live with my mum and she does wash my clothes, mainly just out of making it easier. There are 4 of us in the house. Together, our clothes actually make enough worth washing. Without, we would need at least a weeks worth of dirty clothes each to wash our own, and that would be assuming they were all in the same wash [colours, whites, certain odd materials]. So I don't feel that really hinders my life in the future. It helps that I do know how to wash my clothes.
Generally food is bought for me, by both my mum and my partner. I do like to cook myself though. Especially when in this house. My partner often enjoys cooking at her house... But back to the main topic at hand...

Tell your children. Straight up. Answer their questions. I think if they weren't brought up with it, or haven't known about it all their lives [the latter of which I find bizarre if you've been poly all their lives], they may find it hard. But if they can't be respectful of your choices, they would certainly be gone from my house.
 
Teenagers are always very concerned about what their friends think, and it's part of growing up to stop caring about your peer's opinions and do what you want.

I can't agree with this. Growing up doesn't mean that one stops caring about the opinions of others (peers or otherwise), it means one has their own center, their own being, their own strength and commitments..., and is thereby able to
respect and appreciate the opinions of others, take them in, and accept or reject them, apply them or refuse them.
 
I can't agree with this. Growing up doesn't mean that one stops caring about the opinions of others (peers or otherwise), it means one has their own center, their own being, their own strength and commitments..., and is thereby able to
respect and appreciate the opinions of others, take them in, and accept or reject them, apply them or refuse them.

Oh, fine, if you want to be all flowery about it. :p
 
People who don't care about the opinions of others are people I avoid as much as humanly
possible. They are scary.
 
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