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Old 03-06-2013, 10:59 PM
Katze Katze is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default My World Coming Down

The quick and dirty takes some explanation. I'll try my best.

I have been poly for a while before this relationship, though this has been the most intense and the physically closest I've been with all of my partners as we all live in the same house. Poly and D/s dynamic. It all just fell into place about a year and a half ago...

I had a primary of ten years and also was dating L, a guy who also had many poly relationships prior to me, some good, some bad. He and I had actually met, been play partners, and stayed friends years prior. However, since I had last seen him, his previous poly V triad ended very badly two years prior resulting in his wife, B, the mother of his two kids moving out and the other partner leaving about the same time. Our relationship took this into account and despite a very strong connection and we dated for about 8 months before all this started to change. I had met B on several occasions, and we both got along. Throughout the years she has seen L with some very selfish partners who were very needy and codependent. I on the other hand am very independent and very attentive to others' needs (for the most part, I'm only freaking human). Therefore, she liked that I was dating him. Both were still very close with one another and I could sense that there may be a time where they were ready to rekindle their relationship - I respected that and never stood in the way and even told L several times that their relationship (even if it never became romantic again) was very important and I wanted he and she to maintain it.

At the 8-9 month mark, several things happened at once . First, L obtained a submissive outside of B and I - a woman he met at a BDSM gathering that had a great deal of issues, P, whom he was interested in with as a casual play partner. However, P's background was tumultuous and was freshly out of an abusive relationship and about to be kicked out of her parent's house (she's in her 30s). She wound up living at the house with L, jobless.

Additionally, he and B started seeing one another again and due to timing and finances, they decided to move back in together with B having a room of her own. B and L's progress looked good, however, and I could see them growing happier together. They had missed each other very much and the love had never dissipated. Their kids were very very happy to have mom and dad under the same roof and not to have to go house to house.

Obviously, the relationship of B and L are the most important here because of their family and I was more than willing to discontinue my relationship so theirs had the time it needed. But I had become important to both of them to stick around, so I did. Shortly after that discussion, I went through a very bad turn of events with my primary, resulting in me leaving. Though extremely hasty, I took up L's offer to stay with them for a while to figure out what to do. Yes, I know it's a full house, but I had known L for some years now and had not specifically committed to staying, just giving myself time to think.

B and I spent a lot of time together and quickly fell head over heels for one another. We had always gotten along and respected one another, and there never was pressure to advance our friendship… it happened on its own. This was huge for B because though she and L had been poly, it had generally been L having additional partners. So, B was experiencing a new side to poly. B, L, and I are essentially a triad. We love spending time together, we parent the kids together, when I have to go to an event for work, I get a plus 2. We decided last June to have a commitment ceremony together and… if it isn't obvious, I stayed in the house. I have my own room/office, but I sleep in the Master Bedroom with L and B (and yes, P is still in the house and sleeps there too, thank goodness for Cal King Beds).

We additionally had another person move in, C, who now sleeps in my office which was supposed to be temporary… and the months are going on and on… C had a series of bad boyfriends, was poly herself, and a friend of the family. She also identifies in being submissive and likes to submit to L. C and L don't have a romantic relationship outside of FWB, but she is jobless and spends much of her time hanging off L.

Which brings us to now. I'm tired of living with C and P. B is tired of living with C and P. P is anti social, spends most of the day sleeping and drinking - I don't like her being around the kids because of this and therefore B and I don't give her any responsibilities regarding them at all. She often quarrels with and exhausts L, who has lots of ups and downs and seems exhausted by her, but feels a strong desire and obligation to help her considering her difficult past. P has a small job, but uses it to pay her daily expenses, she cannot afford to pay rent or other bills. I think most of it goes to alcohol, cigarettes, and gas. C doesn't have a job and she's younger (22) and aimless. She doesn't know how to follow through and commit to things like furthering her education and searching for jobs. I helped her write her resume and often remind her to keep applying but she'll just forget for days on end to even search. Instead she'll sleep most of the day, hang out on Facebook, and video chat with her many boy toys that amuse her. C and I are friends, but I tell her outright that this is pathetic, irresponsible, and childish behavior. And though I like her as a person and I see a lot of good qualities in her, her stay with us is turning into her taking advantage of 3 hard working people. P and I don't have that type of communication - we're very opposite people. Additionally, since L was very protective of her and her past trauma when she first entered the household, there is often a barrier between her and I communicating, which is L. I have worked more and more to confront her directly (and constructively) but I see no real improvement. B and I have been marking her bottles of vodka. Also, C and P dislike one another and often get petty and complain about one another to L. Literally it will come down to things like P upset that C didn't pick her up body wash at the store when C grabbed some for everyone else (even though P didn't ask for body wash) or C getting upset at P for taking a spot in room. The root of this seems to be a fight for territory and L's attention.

Which obviously is amusing to me, cause L has 2 wives. And they're not C and P. Maybe they feel that and that's what leads to these petty squabbles. But B and I are very different than them. She and I are both very independent, have good jobs in our fields, and though we love L, aren't necessarily clingy.

Unfortunately, things have come to a head lately. First, L just has been laid off from his job, which for me brings to light these two more and more (though I don't really need an excuse at this point for my unwelcome feelings). Second, I'm struggling to see L fall to the clutches of C and P who have nothing but time to spend with him all day while B and I work very hard for our family. Unemployment and failing to contribute was really the great death sentence with myself and my former primary, especially as it led him to become angry and self defensive with me (though I was working several jobs to support us).

I have brought up my dissatisfaction with C and P several times, but at this point, it has become too much to bear. L knows B and I are not happy, but when we suggest C and P leaving, he shuts down and gets upset. He feels that we don't care about the portion of him that wants to help these two people - that we don't love every aspect of him. He will stay upset for sometime, then snap out of it and go back to daily life. At first I was concerned that his feelings for C and P were deeper than I thought, but when I ask, his need to help them feels the most present.

So I feel like I have no choice. I love B and L, and their children. I committed to spending the rest of my life with them. However, I cannot bear C and P anymore, and L shuts down at the very idea of even setting deadlines for them leaving. The choice to protect them over me really hurts. Seeing them hang off of my husband day in and day out gets tiring. Seeing B not get attention for L hurts. She often has to support everyone the most. I ended up fighting with L last night and implied that I'm considering leaving if they won't leave. B is obviously broken hearted. She came back, fell in love with her husband all over again and fell in love with me. And now things are falling apart again.

I'm so sad. This isn't my house, I don't own it. I can't make them leave. I can only leave if I'm not happy. I hate being put in between a rock and a hard place, I hate that these are my only two options.
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Old 03-15-2013, 04:14 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 138

Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. It definitely seems you and L have different opinions about C & P. I know you mentioned the fact that you seem to have only two options: asking L to kick out C&P or leaving yourself. Have you and L considered therapy? Sometimes a neutral third-party can be useful in cutting through the conflicting emotions and helping you both see what's really important.

You feel L is being taken advantage of, but he feels he's doing the right thing by helping C & P. I understand that to be the idealogical difference driving a lot of the strife. If therapy doesn't help, you may have to actually move out to make L see how miserable you are in the situation. Sometimes it takes drastic action before people will make a decision.
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Old 03-15-2013, 04:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,301

I am sorry you are struggling.

Sometimes the choices in life are not "win or lose" but "this stinks, that stinks. Which stinks the least then?"

From those the two options -- which one stinks least for you and your long term well being? Could go with that at THIS time.

Can always make a new choice later when it is a NEW point in time.

Could adopting that POV help you come to decision?

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Old 03-15-2013, 04:43 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264

Originally Posted by Katze View Post
This isn't my house, I don't own it. I can't make them leave.
It is your home though, right? And you are one of three -now two? -people paying all the expenses. I'd think that would give you quite a lot of say.

I think counselling is in order. I wonder if L realizes that "helping someone" and "enabling someone to drink and waste time all day rather than get a job" are not at all the same. It doesn't seem like a good place for kids, either. Perhaps you and B and the kids could all move out together, and invite L and only L to join you if he chooses? That's an extreme solution, but if the end goal is for a happy marriage and for C and P to have lives of their own, the current state is not working.
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
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