I don't know if I can do this anymore.

A small introduction: I’m new at poly, and kind of stumbled upon it by accident. I’m a lesbian, in a relationship with a married woman, and good friends with my metamour. About six months ago, I reconnected with my friend (my metamour). He had just moved back after having a job out of state. He also got married during that time to my (now) partner. They are both bisexual, and we all decided to fool around sexually, just for fun. One thing turned into another, and about three weeks in, his wife told me she had feelings for me... an emotional connection. The feeling was absolutely, 100% mutual. Over the past six months, we’ve all had our fair share of open and honest discussions. At first, he (my meta) was insecure about it, but now they are both comfortable with the situation, and have grafted me into their lives. I’m very grateful for that.

I look at the situation, and it sounds so lovely in theory. I know so many people would do anything for such a wonderful dynamic. But I don’t know if I can do this anymore. The reason? I am falling in love with her. Deeply. I’ve never felt this way about any of my former partners, and I don’t know what the hell to do with my emotions. (This much, she knows, and she is completely supportive. She tells me I have no reason to fear any of the emotions that I’m feeling.) Now, for the part she doesn’t fully know: I had zero problem with insecurity or jealousy for the first few months. But as my affection for her grows, I find myself throwing pity-parties... and I do NOT like being that kind of person. It’s not really because she has him, exactly. It’s that she has everything with him that I want with her. They have built a life, albeit one they are willing to make me a part of. But I’ve begun to fantasize about coming home to her and spending the rest of my life with her. God, she is everything I’ve ever wanted in another woman... and I feel like the universe is playing some cosmic joke on me, because I’ll never really be able to be with her like I want to be with her. What’s more, is they are actively trying to have a baby. I just recently found this out, and it didn’t feel good for me. (Yes, this makes me feel like a horrible person.) First off, I’ve never wanted kids. Secondly, all I can think about is how he can make a baby for her, and build a family, and have an intimacy that I can never be a part of. Also, I wasn’t aware that they had decided to start trying again. Part of me feels like it’s none of my business, but then part of me feels like she should have talked to me about it.

Now the kicker: To complicate things, they may be moving out of state again, and they’ve invited me to come with them if it happens. I’ve decided that I probably won’t be moving with them if they go. But if they stay, I have to decide whether or not I can handle this type of relationship. If I stay with her, I have some serious self-reflecting to do. If I break it off, I will be heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. I feel completely lovesick... so much so that it hurts me physically. I’m tired of feeling like I’ve been punched in the gut. I feel like it’s time to either go big or go home... and I don’t know which is best.

I feel ignorant and inadequate because of my feelings. I’m angry at myself because I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when she and I decided to start dating. I love her, and I really enjoy being around him as well. I just didn’t predict these complicated emotions. I feel guilty because sometimes, if I really search my heart, I want to be hers, exclusively... and that’s the one thing that cannot happen here. I know it’s wrong for me to feel that way, yet I can’t stop it. Of course, I would leave if I became a threat to their marriage in any way. After all, I signed up for poly. I didn’t sign up to be a home-wrecker.

I’m hoping for some words of wisdom here. Have any of you experienced the same things? Do I just sound like one of those people who isn’t cut out for the poly lifestyle? Because I want to make it work... I really do. I want to let go, stop worrying, and just have fun with it. I just don’t know if my heart will let me.
 
I hope I can articulate this properly, so that it helps you....

I was added to a couple, and deliriously happy - until the wife changed her mind 180 degrees after promoting. The difference between my situation and yours was that my partner was the male, although I loved my metamour too. I was heartbroken when it ended.

Now the thing of it is, I never wanted the couple to divorce because I realized I had fallen in love with a man who was married with children. That dynamic was a major part of his identity, and if that were to change he would be a different person. I didn't want to lose that person, even though we could no longer be lovers

Fast forward: I was gone from their house a year when they separated (and are now divorcing). (Just for clarification - he did not leave his wife for me - they had other issues.) Although, he instigated the separation, he was devastated. He'd lost his sense of self, he was emotionally asea, he was not the same person I'd fallen for.

Do we have a relationship? Yes. But we are having to rebuild it from the ground up, he is still not healed from the trauma, and is not going to be quite the same person that he was.

So what I am trying to say, is that your fantasy of being together with just your lady love is just that: a fantasy. It does not exist in this dimension.

You're right, I'd have given anything to be where you are - and even now I wish it could have been three. I am not sure why deep love means exclusivity for you. While it is true her husband can give her things you cannot; you give her things he cannot.
 
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Well I find it interesting that you consider her a perfect match and you want her to yourself to build some kind of life with yet the two of you conflict on a pretty serious issue - She clearly seems to want kids. You don't.

That said, like the above person - Why do your deep feelings translate to exclusivity for you? Just make your feelings known. Make your intent, desires, and all your aspirations for your relationship known.

If the feelings are returned and mutually supported then you should have nothing to fear. They're already inviting you to move with them, so you seem to be an important part of their (her) life. If your feelings are returned... I'm not really sure what more you'd want.

But really, if the woman truly wants a child, that's something you're going to have to come to terms with regardless of the scenario.
 
If your feelings are returned... I'm not really sure what more you'd want.

But I’ve begun to fantasize about coming home to her and spending the rest of my life with her.

I think she made it pretty clear what "more" she wants.

Six months isn't a whole lot of time for things to settle. It's pretty common for emotions to fly rampant for that amount of time.

But Jcon makes a really important point about kids. Forget all the other issues for a minute. They're having kids, you don't want kids. Presumably that means you don't want to live in a household full of kids. So based on that alone, moving in with them ("go big") is pretty much off the table.

It sounds like you really need to sit down and discuss the jealousy and "the life you'll never have" with her, and how you feel about all that. She needs to know everything you've told us. She believes you don't need to fear your emotions. Presumably her reassurance is coming from a different perspective, out of context with what you're telling us. But from the sounds of it, I think she'll be supportive of you through your struggle.

As you've said, you're not trying to change their marriage or take anything away from them, you're just mourning a life you'll never get. As long as you make that clear, and let her know that you just need to figure out where you fit in so that your heart isn't broken, I think you can work it out.
 
So what I am trying to say, is that your fantasy of being together with just your lady love is just that: a fantasy. It does not exist in this dimension.

I think I understand what you're trying to convey, and I completely agree. The person that I think I would have if we were exclusive is a mirage. Her husband helps to make her who she is. And if she didn't have him, it would affect the dynamic of our relationship, as well. Change one factor, and the whole dynamic shifts.

Thank you for your reply. It's helpful to hear from someone in a similar situation. I'm so sorry for your heartache. I hope things continue to get better for you.
 
you're just mourning a life you'll never get. As long as you make that clear, and let her know that you just need to figure out where you fit in so that your heart isn't broken, I think you can work it out.

God, this is so spot on. I really am mourning a life I can't have. Thank you for helping me put that into words adequately. I know I need to be honest with her about these feelings. I've been sorting them out for a few weeks, and felt like I was really making progress. When the topic of the possible move came up, I felt wanted... the fact that they would ask me to come with them. But then things changed when I found out she wants to be pregnant. It made me feel immediately alienated... not because that's her intent, but just because it became clear to me how different our desires are on this point.

I'm certainly not one to avoid talking about my feels. In fact, they both know that will probably happen at least 1-2 times per month... I just like to have "emotional check-ins". But I hesitate to talk about things that simply cannot (and should not) be changed. To consider leaving simply because she wants a kid feels cold-hearted to me. It's her body. It's her decision. But on the other hand, that desire is so far removed from what I want that her yearning to have a baby almost feels personal, even though I know it's not, (and yes, it's ridiculous to even think that).

Also, I'm having trouble figuring out exactly what to say to her. Why bring up things that can't (and shouldn't) be changed? It would be cathartic for me, but would it be constructive? She can't change the fact that she's got a life with him and that she wants to have a baby. I'm just not sure how to address that without sounding like a selfish douche.
 
Because I want to make it work... I really do. I want to let go, stop worrying, and just have fun with it. I just don’t know if my heart will let me.

If that is the goal?

You could be ok with you feeling whatever it is you feel during transition. Emotion is just internal weather. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it is sunny. Feel whatever it is and let it run its course.

Could stop judging it as "bad" or "wrong" to be feeling it. Just let it blow on through. Your feelings are one of your senses that gives you information about the world you interact with.
  • "I hear tuba music." That is neither wrong or right. That's just how you sense that right now. You could keep listening or shut the window.
  • "I see dogs chasing balls coming toward me." That is neither wrong or right. That's just what you see right now. You could stand there or get out of the way.
  • "I feel anxious, fearful." That is neither wrong or right. That's just what you feel right now. You could express this to people to change what is bothering you or hold it in. Holding it in isn't serving you well. Could try the other way then and express it to your people.

You seem to be mourning a loss -- this idea of that you wanted, and that lies in CHANGING your mind about "exclusive."

At the same time, you do not seem to feel secure in the new relationship yet. You seem to be in a shaky transitional time. You have left the things you know, and haven't arrived at the new thing solidly... you are in the flying leap. It feels unsettling there "up in the air."

You could google "emotional change" --- look at pictures of various models of the roller coaster. It will get better over time, you are just on the roller coaster -- sounds like at the "self doubt" place. It takes time for the "new normal" to stop feeling weird. You could figure out what typical feelings come next and note your own progress through them.

You could ask for support in this from your partners.

Could pay attention not so much the feelings along the process down at the tree level . Could see if you can step back sometimes to get the forest level view and realize you are IN a process.

Could examine the way you are THINKING about the process.
  • You feel odd, that's one layer. Comes with the territory.
  • Placing evaluation on it just ADDS rather than take away. Now instead of feeling just "odd", you added "guilty" layer. That part? Is optional. Could not ADD to your own burdens but focus on ways to TAKE AWAY and make your load lighter.

In one Life Choice -- moving to another state? You were invited to come along. You felt a part of the process maybe.

Maybe you do not feel included in this other Life Choice -- them having a baby. You haven't been consulted or your role defined -- would you be a coparent type figure in the family unit? What's your role in the pregnancy? Maybe you don't want to be a parent EVER. Maybe not at this time but could arrive there if given time/space to process. This could be a compatability issues -- a dealbreaker? Only you know what you are willing/able to do. But it won't get sorted if you hold back. Could talk it out.

You are in the curious in between time -- transitioning from GF to family member. So are they -- they are trying to include you but haven't arrived at you being at the table for major life decisions. They make a decision and then let you know what it was -- I don't think it's from a place of mean from the sound of it. Just that they have to weather change too and change old habits.

Even how you write -- "I was grafted on" and "hesitate to talk about things that simply cannot (and should not) be changed." Why not? Why couldn't the timing of TTC be changed or talked about? You aren't saying no don't have a baby ever. I think you might be saying -- "Wait! Where do I fit in first?! I need to feel secure in this relationship!"

You could talk your poly partners about all this -- this new family unit you all have co-created and the expectations/roles moving forward and how you want to be treated when planning out major life choices like adding another family members or moving to another state.

Because if your goal is this ---
Because I want to make it work... I really do. I want to let go, stop worrying, and just have fun with it. I just don’t know if my heart will let me.

How are YOU helping to make it work and communicate well when you hold back information from your poly partners? Could do your part, change your behavior and see if you feel better after.

They cannot be mind readers. They cannot change their behaviors to accommodate you if they don't even know what your wants, needs, and limits are.

They don't sound horrible -- in fact, they sound willing to be supportive.

(This much, she knows, and she is completely supportive. She tells me I have no reason to fear any of the emotions that I’m feeling.)

See?

Right now in your posts you are focusing on feeling yucky. Could focus on behavior done/not done -- by each one of you.

Because in your thinking behavior if what you think about is you feeling yucky and nothing else? No plan for moving it forward?

You are helping to keep it in the stuck. Be willing to be vulnerable and open to your poly partners. Could change it and start communicating more.

See if that increased communication serves you better.

Galagirl
 
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It's good that you realize it's you

and that you are doing it to yourself.

So personally, I would try to identify where the guilt comes from because most people only feel guilty in relationships when they have done something wrong or kept pertinent information from the people they are friends with. Just off the top of my head I can't think of anything people do to themselves that they feel guilty about except for eating cake when they told themselves they should be dieting.

So long as you are openly and honestly discussing your feelings with them, and understand the difference between cowperson and poly lover, and if you can't be poly lover than cowperson isn't an option and you know how to be a caring friend, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

What you do have to be careful about, is being honest about whether or not you would be willing to be with her if she broke up with her boyfriend, because if that is the case, it takes a person who is has become so adept at practicing honesty it is like second nature. Because you will find yourself behaving in ways that you know aren't conducive to healthy relationships (esp healthy poly relationships) and the person who does not understand that honesty is a practice won't recognize what they are doing, and so they will justify their actions which is more or less a conscious decision to be an asshole home wrecker.

But I did not get that impression of you, so please don't take my harsh tones personally, you come across as being very genuine and it sounds like you are trying to do the right thing.

Something that most people don't realize is that there are many fine lines that drawer distinctions between different types of "poly people" and all the different ways to practice polyamory.

The problem you are having is not really that uncommon, it is just that most poly communities would automatically tear into you for being a mono and justify their actions under a banner of poly heroism. But the truth is most people, if not all, have an easier time sharing their more casual lovers than they do their more seriously involved lovers.

Not to make the assertion that polyamory includes casual relationships, but just to avoid the primary/secondary type talk that always begins the bickering that ruins every thread.

I know polyamory is focused on love, and I don't want to do the concept of LOVE a disservice and I don't want to paint you as being monogamous because many poly people subscribe to "the one" = "monogamous/cowperson" as I firmly believe that you can love and be in a relationship with many, but there are also those whom you feel so connected to that you want to share your life completely with, so in order to be polytically correct (which actually makes me sick to my stomach) I will say there is such a feeling as "the ones"

And from your words you know exactly what I mean by "the ones" or what monogamous people call "the one" and to be honest I see people who need to divide love into monogamy and poly as equally confused, so in full disclosure lets just say I am far more disgusted with the mentality of poly ID'd people as they are far more wrongfully discriminating than mono ID'd.

But anyway "the ones" which are sometimes referred to by life of a certain sect, as the figure eleven https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2JwBT_sX74, and it just means that overwhelming love can be for more than one other person, but still can and does feel like a curse before it can be recognized as a blessing.

Before I get off topic, I should point out what others have, and realize that her desire for children may not be compatible with you desire to not have children -- and I do not mean biologically -- as two women can get sperm from any idiot male. Families with Women as parents have children all the time.

Do you realize that if he husband wasn't in the picture, this overwhelming love for your lover could easily have you agreeing to be parents together?

Because you are attempting to practice poly you are presented with the opportunity to experience that overwhelming love without having to compromise your desire in life to not have children. Many people under the influence of overwhelming love end up compromising too much of their dreams in what they wanted out of life and find themselves ten years or twenty years down the road with their Love having gone sour, extremely bitter and hateful towards each other, often never realizing that is was compromising an aspect of their life they didn't know was not something they couldn't compromise on and remain happy.

You need to be very careful with this overwhelming Love because if it were a plant it would require lots and lots of nutrients to grow, but the fertilizer it requires is one specifically formulated for overwhelming love and you will kill it if you just get miracle grow (or any other more plausible sounding brand that doesn't say on the label "Formulated for overwhelming Love")

It's always good to know the direction you want to go in your life, and children are one of the major directions it's possible to orient your travel by walking (at least until you can fly) and whether or not you desire children is a difference like North and South in regards to the Four Quarters of Direction available

So perhaps you should realize that for this experience, practicing poly will enable both you and her to not compromise parts of your this life it wouldn't be wise to bend on, as it would sour your love.

If you only thought you didn't want children, all I can tell you is you sound like the type of person who understands, so as long as you all practice what you know must be practiced to have a healthy relationship, you will get over this painful part and it will be worth it.

But I know that doesn't bring any comfort when you already feel punched in the stomach. But if he is a respectable man, there are very minor things he can do that will alleviate some of the pain, but he will need to be aware of it. Which can be done so long as you all trust each other AND are trustworthy

I don't envy you, but you've found one of the ones, and it doesn't sound like all is lost, and part of the process of having All found, starts with the pain you've described, if you are with the right people, stay the course, you will be glad you held fast, as when you reach your real limits relief will come quick.
 
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Why bring up things that can't (and shouldn't) be changed? It would be cathartic for me, but would it be constructive?

Because as long as you keep such important things secret, it's impossible for her to truly know and understand you.

In all the successful poly relationships I know, one key feature is telling other people how you're feeling, owning those feelings, and reminding them that you're not asking for change, you're just giving a status report. When people understand how you feel, they can be sensitive about those topics.

For example, people die. When you lose a loved one, it's common to want to talk about the pain and sorrow that you're feeling. No one would dream of responding to that with "Yeah, well, they're dead. You can't change that, so why are you talking to me about it? What am I supposed to do?"

Also, by failing to talk about it, you leave the door open for events to repeat. For example, you would have preferred that she'd told you sooner that they were trying to have a baby. If you don't tell her that, she has no way of knowing that in the future, if she has news like that, she should tell you.
 
I think I understand what you're trying to convey, and I completely agree. The person that I think I would have if we were exclusive is a mirage. Her husband helps to make her who she is. And if she didn't have him, it would affect the dynamic of our relationship, as well. Change one factor, and the whole dynamic shifts.

Exactly!

In my situation, my guy was so drained and traumatized, he had nothing to give. And even though I was not the one who traumatized him, he has voiced concerns about allowing himself to be that vulnerable again. So I would strongly encourage you to create new fantasies about your life as three - if you ultimately decide that is what you want.

Has it occurred to you that perhaps they are trying for a baby because having you in their lives makes them feel happy and secure enough to do so? Granted, I understand that as things haven't been spelled out and cemented about the life you will all create together, nor did they consult you in regard to a baby, such an announcement would be a shock. However, you might very well have been one of the factors that made them want to pursue it.
 
When you lose a loved one, it's common to want to talk about the pain and sorrow that you're feeling. No one would dream of responding to that with "Yeah, well, they're dead. You can't change that, so why are you talking to me about it? What am I supposed to do?"

Thank you. That helps put things in perspective. I suppose I just already feel like I'm the one out of the three of us who always has to talk about their feelings. I don't want to bombard them, especially with things that I know she'll feel erroneously guilty about. Yet, at the same time, I do recognize the significance of my evolving emotions, and keeping them from her would be like lying.

Maybe this entire relationship happened so that I could finally see what kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know. I went out with another girl a couple of times while I was with my current partner. I thought that perhaps that would help balance out all of my emotions. But I ceased contact with the other girl, because I wasn't into it at all. All I want is what I can't have... c'est la vie, I suppose.

I realize that I chose this. I chose to give this a try. It's no one's fault. Not theirs. Not mine. I just didn't foresee these emotions, and I'm not sure I can carry on with this much longer. Every day I spend with her makes me fall deeper in love with her. Therefore, it hurts all the more when I realize how different our desires for certain things are, like having kids.

I really wish I knew exactly what to do, but it seems like the first only logical step is just to spill my guts to her.
 
Are you saying you want to be child free? And her wanting to have a child makes it a total dealbreaker for you? :confused:

GG
 
Are you saying you want to be child free? And her wanting to have a child makes it a total dealbreaker for you? :confused:

GG

Not simply that. I assumed that this would happen at some point, but I didn't realize it would happen so soon. She seems to be fixated on getting pregnant, and I'm still just fixated on her. That presents a problem for me, and it makes me wonder if my feelings are stronger than the ones she reciprocates. I guess my main concern is the emotions I'm experiencing that I never expected. Although I love her and her husband very much, it's becoming agonizing for me to see them interact, because I know that they will always have so much more together than she and I will. Please understand that I completely own these emotions, and I understand that many find them ridiculous. Sometimes, even I can't find logic in them. In the beginning, I really thought that I may be polyamorous. But since meeting her, I have no interest in anyone else. That is the exact irony that pisses me off. Why does it have to be a married woman that I suddenly want monogamy with? I understand that if I plan on staying in this relationship, I will need to completely rebuild my expectations and desires. But I also understand that if I leave, I'll be heartbroken.
 
I am sorry for your pain. :(

May I ask upon what you base your assumption that your lady love and her husband will always have so much more together than the two of you? Is that because of the biology of their offspring or something else?
 
May I ask upon what you base your assumption that your lady love and her husband will always have so much more together than the two of you? Is that because of the biology of their offspring or something else?

I don't really think it's biology as much as it is my fear of always being secondary. Our relationship will always be closeted (this is not ideal, I know... but it's just the way it is). I want her on my arm—not because I want the whole world to see—but because I enjoy the freedom of expressing my love openly without worry. But that is just simply not an option for us. She and her husband are a package deal. They belong together, and everyone knows it. They don't have to hide their affection. But I do. They will have holidays together. They have eternity together. And although neither of them have EVER made me feel like the third wheel, I definitely feel like I am a lot of the time.
 
Before, I was in the relationship with the couple that ended badly, I was in a relationship with another couple that lasted a couple of decades - until his passing. Like you, it was necessary to refrain from any PDA. Initially, it was tough for me. However, I ultimately decided that the outside world was not a good frame of reference for determining my secondary status, especially since inside the house, I was never treated as secondary. I was an equal partner. It sounds to me like your couple is doing what they can to integrate you into equal partner status. Are you willing to lose not only your lady love, but what sounds like a loving, considerate metamour due to no PDA?

Also, much to our relief and amusement, we would take vacations to places no one knew us and PDA to our heart's content - all three of us. It was fantastic to watch the reactions. :D
 
I'm deeply sorry for your pain.

Seems to me there are a few things going on here--

NRE (new relationship energy)
couple privilege
to breed or not to breed

You've only known her 6 months, so you're still in NREland. Yes, she seems great, all you've ever wanted in a woman, the hormones say. But wait! She wants kids, you don't. So, she's not exactly the perfect woman for you, after all. This is a huge stumbling block for those that are in the child-free mindset. Many a couple has broken up over this.

Also, they have the American dream going... A male, a female, a baby in the near future (gods willing). That is supposed to be a complete unit in this society. However, apparently she's polyamorous, and he's at least polysexual. Is this a phase, this dalliance with you? Will they forget all about having extra love/sex partners once a demanding baby, no time for dates, sleepless nights, etc., comes their way?

One thing I am harping on lately is, when you are poly it's (relatively) easy to fall in love. But actually nurturing and sustaining a relationship, that's the harder but crucial bit. It could be the issues you are having, it could be others. But the only way to work things out is to have many many open, painfully honest talks. If they don't feel they "need" to talk about their emotions like you do, guess what? If they want to keep you, they do need to. They need to hear you, they need to think deeply about what having you in their lives long term will look like. Having kids is hard. Being poly and having kids is even harder. Do a tag search for "kids/children and poly" here.
 
One thing I am harping on lately is, when you are poly it's (relatively) easy to fall in love. But actually nurturing and sustaining a relationship, that's the harder but crucial bit. It could be the issues you are having, it could be others. But the only way to work things out is to have many many open, painfully honest talks. If they don't feel they "need" to talk about their emotions like you do, guess what? If they want to keep you, they do need to. They need to hear you, they need to think deeply about what having you in their lives long term will look like.

Thank you. This response felt very well-balanced and realistic. I realize after reading this that the only way I'll be able to navigate my emotions is by having an honest discussion with her. I'm trying to work up the nerve to do it tonight. I'm trying very hard to do what's right. And for now, that may be just taking things a step at a time. The things that she has to say may very well determine what my next move is. I'm trying to keep a clear head. I know that even if we go our separate ways, I will forever be grateful for the experience of loving her.
 
Update

Hi, all. I thought I'd post a little update, as it's been about two weeks since my original post. I think perhaps I'm gaining a better understanding of my specific concerns. Several things have happened... some positive. Still, some things feel like a setback. I ended up talking to my partner last week about how I was feeling. I explained that she and her husband aren't doing anything wrong, and that I'm dealing with my own insecurities. I explained that I've been navigating our relationship in the same way I would any relationship. The difference is that this is the first poly relationship any of us have experienced, and all of us are learning as we go. I even told her that I sometimes mourn the life I'll never have with her, as in a mono relationship. But I also explained that I'm learning about all of the positive poly things, too. We discussed the possibility of them moving, and she told me that she wants me to come with them if they go. (This was refreshing to actually hear from her... because she's so "go-with-the-flow" sometimes that she doesn't communicate to me how she feels about things like this. Her husband is usually the one to say, "We'd love it if you came with us.") Overall, I was happy with the conversation because it seemed to clear a few things up for me in terms of what her thoughts are.

Now, remember she and her husband are trying to get pregnant? This really threw me for a loop when I first found out... mainly because it was the first I'd heard about it. Last night, for the first time, she actually talked to me (on her own accord) about the emotions surrounding this topic for her. She really has a deep, maternal desire, and hearing her talk about it really made me excited for her. I was honestly surprised about how okay I felt about it, and I really think it came down to the fact that she made me feel a part of it. I thanked her for that, because that made the difference to me. I can't say I'm totally over the whole "he can give you a baby and a life that I never could" thoughts. They do creep in sometimes. But I feel that maybe I'm developing the tools needed to navigate those emotions when they arise.

Now, for the not so good feels. Here is the stuff that cuts me to the bone. I've had time to reflect, and I think it comes down to this: I fear that I love her more than she loves me. That's the easiest way to put it. Now, let me explain:

Because of my partner's job situation, she spends most of the week with me. Her husband lives three hours away, and is in the process of finding a job. They see each other every weekend: either she goes there, or he comes here and we all three spend the weekend together. I completely understand that she would miss him terribly when they're not together. I totally get that. But they are both so miserable right now, that I feel like there's nothing I can do to help pull her out of the slump. Instead of enjoying the time we have together, she's sad because she misses him, or because of the pregnancy issues, etc. We haven't been having sex nearly as often as we used to. And yes, we've talked about it. Because of some medications, etc, her sex drive isn't as high as it used to be. I believe that, and I'm okay with it. But it's really difficult for me to go 2-3 weeks without sexual intimacy with her, but yet know they're having sex every single time they see each other, because she wants to get pregnant. And when he visits here for the weekend, they're in the next room making love while I'm crying myself to sleep.

And it's not just sex, either. We had a wonderfully strong emotional connection for the first few months of our relationship. I'm sad to say I continue to feel that connection fading as time goes by... not from me, but from her. I know that NRE is definitely an issue here, but I feel just as strongly as I ever have, and I honestly get the feeling she doesn't. I know the only way to know is to ask, so I have. I ask all the time. She continually tells me that she loves the way things are going, that she's still attracted to me, that she wants to continue exploring what we have. But it's like this: I think about her and our relationship all the time. She doesn't seem to do that at all. An example: Last night, we actually went on a date. I was looking forward to it all day long. When I got home from work and asked if she still wanted to go to a movie, she said, "Oh yeah! I forgot. Yes, I still want to go." She forgot. I just don't understand how you can forget about plans that you made with a person you say you love. I just feel like my emotions are one-sided.

I honestly feel like it's one step forward and three steps back for me at this point. I make progress, and then the feeling of rejection hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know what to do. I know everyone is going to say "talk about it". But I have. From her point of view, everything's peachy, I guess. But actions speak louder than words, and I'm not feeling the love.
 
I have been reading your thread and what you are saying hit home with me. I am also a lesbian who dated a married woman for over a year. I too felt the love was one sided. She broke up with me at leadt 3 times while we were together. The last was in August. Ive been an emotional mess since questioning did she really love me, was i was just an object. Someone who filled some need hubby wasnt. Was i just a play toy for her to get some need met and my needs were not important. I know now that i was never poly. Like you i wanted only her. I couldnt be with anyone else. The love i felt was deep.
Ive had time to reflect i realize i was deeply resentful of her commitment to him. Their history together. That he always came first. That we never had dates. That he was always the 3rd wheel when we did have our time together. Please dont bash me for saying that people. She treated me terribly and i hung on.
At one point 5 months into our relationship She threatened me with if you dont date my husband then i cant have a serious girlfriend which she later denied ever saying.
When she shattered my heart she told me her hubby wanted monogamy and that they are renewing their wedding vows on their anniversary. She wanted to be just friends with me. That was so hurtful and made me realize i was just a toy. Somehow i made their marriage closer.
She told me she couldnt meet my needs. That she only loves him.
September rolls in she is posting passive aggressive stuff about me on facebook. I contacted her. She cried. Invited me to her house. How she will never date another woman unless its me..blah vblah...to days later thank you for the energy we shared as a couple. At this point we can only be friends. Theres more to the convo which lasted 5 hours. I flipped out. She told me i misinterpretated what she said.

I dont know how or what your girl feels. Our situations may be completely different.
Just know something. Go with your gut. If it feels one sided then its one sided. He will always come first.
Pm if you like.
 
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