Redpepper's journey

Right now I need a good sleep. I haven't slept and neither has he... talking and lying there quietly awake all night... overcome with emotion.
 
You've got my sympathies, and I hope you get through these tough times. Good luck with everything.
 
Right now I need a good sleep. I haven't slept and neither has he. Talking and laying there quietly awake all night. Over come with emotion.

Understandable. I don't know if it would help, but you might try sleeping someplace new, like the living room couch or such. When I can't make my brain shut down, it sometimes helps to just sleep on the couch with the tv on or something. I had to do this for 3 days (until we saw a counselor) when I found out my husband was cheating on me again. I would go into anxiety attacks to be in our bed. Letting the tv run in the back ground can sometimes distract your mind enough to let it relax and let you fall asleep, with out re-hashing the pain over and over again. Good Luck!
 
*hugs*

I'm sorry y'all had to come to those realizations in that way. Sending positive thoughts for the processing and negotiating up ahead. There is still love there, which is awesome.
 
Well, I'm in it. No sleep, putting my mind to that place of imagining them together and what transpired that they got to this place. Wondering what the hell he sees in her. Feeling the loss of something I was finally understanding and relying on to be my future (everything that comes with a monogamous partner).

The world is not ending, but changing. I went from understanding that my boyfriend was attached only to me and only wanted to be close to me, to attempting to understand that he is now pining for a woman that he has decided he should not see right now because I will be upset. When he talks about it, there is sadness in his eyes that I can't help thinking is from not being able to see her and swoon over her. He says it isn't, that he is sad because he has hurt me, and dragged her into something she didn't sign up for. But I struggle with believing anything he says now.

The precious feeling I had, for three-and-a-half years, of unique specialness is gone, I think. My man has turned his head and heart from me and has doubted what we have. He's gone to that place of believing he could have other opportunities elsewhere that don't involve me. Why is that so hard for me to swallow? I think there are just some people that come into life that are meant to hold a spot of crazy attachment that keeps us from feeling alone. Mono was it for me. Now I just feel hollow and alone. I hope eventually I will feel grounded in that, at least so that I can feel okay about him seeing others he is attached to.

His thoughts on this might follow one day. He has a whole other take on this than me. A whole other side that I don't understand. I have lost a lot of sleep trying to understand and put my brain into how he sees things. I am so not like him in terms of love style and relationship satisfaction. He is fine with going out for coffee with her now and then, being a friend and removing himself from creating anything more in his mind about what they could have. I find it hard to understand that he won't go through something similar to me and Leo. I feel like he is making a compromise now, as I did with Leo being in my life. He says that isn't the case, but it's hard for me to understand.

The texting has stopped for a bit, but I suspect he was addicted to hearing from her. I suspect she is hurting over not hearing from him also. He texted her a lot. I didn't ask for them to stop, but did ask to know when she texted and what was going on. That put an end to texting at all and now I wonder just what it was they were texting that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing. Gawd. the brain plays tricks! It's not my business, yet I obsess over those sort of things! It is likely nothing that big, even!

I am trying to put myself in everyone's shoes and feel what they might be feeling. Trying to go from there with accomplishing some sort of understanding and stability again. I talked with PN about it and he reminded me that I went through this same thing with his past girlfriends. I remember, I wasn't stellar at this then, so I aim to be better this time and remember what I learned. PN had some judgment over me being in this situation, also. After all, he has felt as I do now about new people coming into my life. We all go through this stuff. We are all human and we all go through the same feelings, just at different times in life.

Derby has been a great support. I feel like our relationship is based on her supporting me these past 6 months, and, to me, that doesn't seem fair or balanced. I do hope that I get the chance to support her and that she feels supported by me sometimes. I have been staying away a bit, so as to not overwhelm her with this. I think I was pretty overwhelming with my break -up with Leo. Look where it got me-- a boyfriend that went elsewhere to find what he needed! (Actually, Mono says he doesn't see it like that. He says he was detached from me and it just happened. But he detached because I was going through a break up!)

I am seeing my new friend in an hour. He will be a breath of fresh air, I think. I soooo need that. We are going to talk about guinea pig hutches, drink coffee and catch up. A diversion that is well needed and appreciated.

I met my other new friend's wife last night. He invited me out to coffee after their date night ended. We had a long deep chat about kids, relationships, philosophies of life and values. It seems we got on well! I was completely not present through the whole thing, due to my home life. So I am glad that I came across okay. Next time I hope to be a little more present and feel the moment.
 
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It was a weekend of processing, processing, processing... Four days to catch up on three months. We are learning lots, but Mono and I and are going to be okay. Things have not changed as much as I first thought, although my trust has been thrown to the wall.

Now I am working on her appearing in his life in different ways, that I didn't realize before. The texting has died down, but that is my hurdle right now. In this moment. There is one every moment, though.

Oh yeah. I am dealing with people telling me I'm hypocritical and telling me that I have lots of loves, so I should just suck it up. The thing is though, I was promised his monogamy from day one and he cheated on me for three months. Soft cheated, but cheated, nonetheless. He kept it from me, thought he could deal with it himself, thought he would get over her, or it would just be hidden and I wouldn't notice. The thing is, I did, and asked about it over and over. And he said nothing.
 
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You should just suck it up and not address how it came about?

Oh please. That's ridiculous and not beneficial to anyone, not even Mono.
 
Thanks, Arrowbound. It's people who are not poly that think that way. They don't understand. The woman in question is confused by my reaction also. She doesn't relate to what I am feeling, I don't think, and carries on as if Mono is just one of many to me. I know she just doesn't understand, but it makes me feel like people think he is disposable to me. He is far from it. I intend to fight for what we have and make this a learning curve.

In the mono world, it would be a matter of telling him to cut her out entirely, or him leaving me for her. I am not suggesting either, but working through it so they can be together in whatever way they want. I can see that in me doing that, it would be expected somehow, but for different reasons. I do have other partners, after all, so I should stop whining and let him do what he wants. Of course, it's completely not like that, but how does someone explain that to people? I hope this made sense, lol.
 
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Well, as I understand, you had an agreement and he didn't hold to it, and if he had told you about it when it first happened you would have walked through it together. So the problem isn't the concept of him being with someone else but the idea that he went behind your back, and the breach of trust. Maybe if you explain it that way more people would understand.
 
I am sorry to hear that you two have hit a rough patch.

Could this be the result of those hard ideological positions, mono vs poly? He's stated numerous times, in a very clever way, his adamant belief in his own monogamy and what that meant. But you think, breathe, sleep (especially sleep ;) ) poly, and identify as poly as part of your being.

What is soft cheating?

He is one of many, 3-5, if I do the math right. All are equal in love. But those are the numbers, right? Are you concerned you will get less love from him, less time, or both?

In your second paragraph, are you trying to project outcomes from each ideological position? You could see yourself doing that, but for different reasons. What reasons?
 
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So the problem isn't the concept of him being with someone else but the idea that he went behind your back, and the breach of trust. Maybe if you explain it that way more people would understand.
Exactly, and yes, I have asked him to tell anyone who asks that this is my issue. Would I prefer she wasn't around at all? Hell yeah! I loved my mono bf being all mine. Stupid, huh? I feel like an idiot for falling for that bullshit. A victim of our cultural programming. Embarrassing. I feel stupid and embarrassed.
 
He kept it from me, thought he could deal with it himself, thought he would get over her or it would just be hidden and I wouldn't notice.

My husband does this a lot and is part of what was destroying our marriage. They actually believe (deep down) that they can and should deal with it by themselves and then it will all be back to normal and they won't have to burden us with their struggles. *bangs head against wall* That's exactly what we are there for, so they don't have to struggle alone.

Thing is I did and asked about it over and over... and he said nothing.

Yeah, I get this too. :confused:

You should just suck it up and not address how it came about?

Oh please. That's ridiculous and not beneficial to anyone, not even Mono.

THIS!

Well, as I understand, you had an agreement and he didn't hold to it, and if he had told you about it when it first happened you would have walked through it together. So the problem isn't the concept of him being with someone else but the idea that he went behind your back, and the breach of trust.

COMPLETELY AGREE!

Even when I was in a completely mono mindset, I never cared if my husband had 5+ lady friends he liked to talk to and go to lunch with. He's always had lots of lady friends. However, it was a problem when he would lie about it.

ME: "Who did you go to lunch with?"
Him: "Joe."

Then a few days later, I would find out that it was Joe and Susan. I would end up in tears, because, if he was hiding and lying about simple mundane things, what else was he lying about, what else was going on with Susan? I'm still trying to get that concept through my husband's thick head. He has spent so many years of doing it, that it has become automatic. And breaking bad habits is a pain in the ass.

Hugs. Good luck!
 
I am sorry to hear that you two have hit a rough patch.

Could this be the result of these hard ideological positions, mono vs poly? He's stated numerous times, in very clever way, his adamant belief in his own monogamy and what that meant. And you think, breathe, sleep (especially sleep ;) ) poly, and identify as poly as part of your being.


What is soft cheating?

He is one of many, 3-5, if I do the math right. All are equal in love, but those are the numbers, right? Are you concerned you will get less love from him, less time, or both ?

In your second paragraph, are you trying to project outcomes from each ideological position? You could see yourself doing this, but for different reasons. What reasons?

Hopefully my response to Tonberry helps answer your questions, Dinged. It seems I'm not so poly-minded, after all. I should've never thought I could trust that he would not ever fall for someone else. He is not the type to get attached to others in the way I do, and I trusted that.

I have been around him for three plus years now, and see how much of a loner he is, how independent. What we have was working. He got his independence and love, as well. I got my family, busy life with friends, socializing, many loves and him, my rock-solid love, who was devoted to me. I relied on that for my grounding and anchor to home, comfort and letting myself go entirely, after being out in the world. It felt like monogamy to me. PN is that to me, as well, but in a different way. In a poly way.

This is about us, not about our ideologies of polyamory or monogamy. He has caused me to doubt all I know about what we had. It was deception and a breaking of trust. It's soft cheating, in that they never expressed their feelings until I knew, and they never got closer than loving looks with each other over a coffee table... As far as I know. I don't know what to think any more.

I hope that makes sense.
 
Seems I'm not so poly minded after all. I should never of thought I could trust that he would not ever fall for someone else. He is not the type to get attach to others in thew way I do and I trusted that.

I have been around him for three plus years now and see how much of a loner he is, how independent. [...] and him, my rock solid love that was devoted to me. I relied on that for my grounding and anchor to home, comfort and letting myself go entirely after being out in the world. It felt like monogamy to me. PN is that to me as well but in a different way. In a poly way.

[...] He has caused me to doubt all I know about what we had. It was deception and a breaking of trust. Its cheating[...]

Hope that makes sense.

It does make perfect sense to me. I don't know how to describe it, but I thought about Lin the whole time I was reading what happened. I would feel exactly the same if this would ever happen to us. Maybe the shock would be so great because I never expect him to behave like that. It isn't what my concept of him looks like. I would be surprised if it happened to Sward (aside from the cheating matter) but I kind of suspect him to be/become like that. In the case of Lin, I would always regard him falling in love again or developing an outside interest, as a threat, because he is supposed to leave me as soon as something like this comes around. Because I always think of him as 'strictly mono'.

And of course is this something that hurts. Totally unrelated to how many people/lovers are in your life. And of course this is a breach of trust. How couldn't it be? I am sorry for the lack of communication and ability to minimize this damage. And I hope that you will be able to find a way of communication that makes the words you speak to each other sound reliable and true again.

Maybe it was some kind of double standard to emphasize and regard his love as something special and more solid than the other ones. But I can certainly understand that feeling, as right now, I have two of those who love 'me, and only me alone'. I felt the pressure and the promise of this kind relationship. And I started to distance myself from the cliché of the 'monogamous love' I had in mind for some time. One is temped to regard the love of a person loving one alone as something different (obviously) and more special (assumption). But the moment I turned to my own feelings, I knew that this was just not true. How could I degrade them like that?

As far as I see it, if it is 'only' about him falling in love multiple times, you will be ok. You have to alter your picture of his mono-self a bit and find a way to deal with his inability to handle it better. If this is about him swaying between two women because he feels too disconnected to stay with one permanently ... you will have some rough times in repairing your relationship and trying to 'save' it. I hope things work out, sorry that you are in this place right now.
 
I understand the feeling that you lost something, too. I have experienced the "I said I was mono and wouldn't want anyone else but I've met someone" and I felt like I lost something, even though I'm not mono myself, I guess it struck my ego that even with permission he wouldn't get with someone else.
However, nothing happened behind my back so it was easier to get over. The fact that some things happened without your knowledge is something you need to process, and so any other disappointment becomes worse for it, I would assume.
 
I guess what meant about the idea of a clash of hard ideologies. No one wants to be a hypocrite and neither of you would want to admit those shifts, although you just did. And with each of these hard positions, assumptions and possible projections got made.

Actually, your response to Tonberry reflects that poly hard line, falling for the bullshit, victim of cultural programming.

I understand the trust issue, but how much different is this from bending/breaking a boundary you had set with PN or mono in regards to Leo or someone else? With all the lectures, events, forum talk, etc., etc., could you frame it as: you finally got through? He might finally get it. On with life. Couldn't this be a moment to celebrate, once the sting is gone?

Have you two thought about counseling? It's recommended here all the time, but because of your position here, people might not think of it, and you might not have thought of it.
 
Thanks for the support, all of you. It really helps.

Dinged, you crack me up! :p I guess my addressing the "victim of cultural programming" is a poly thing, really.

It could be a moment to celebrate. You are right. We have made some progress and come further than ever. It's still raw, and I still don't know where the cards will fall, but one thing is for sure, we are not done with this relationship commitment we made. We are going to figure it out.

Counseling might be an idea, if we weren't getting anywhere, but we are doing awesome at that. So much so that Mono wishes I would slow down.:D heh. I love this shit. Relationship dynamics and communication are my passion. I'm such a geek. Poor guy, he might just have tried to hide it so he wouldn't get my tidal wave of process process processssss. Ha! Too late, it is his punishment now. :rolleyes:
 
... it was emotional cheating that lead him to forget everything he knows about open honest communication, integrity and empathy... Everything I value and thought he did too. He choose to shut down rather than talk to me.

Ouch. I wish I had read this before I flew home, I would have paid the fee to come back over on the ferry to give all of you a hug. I know it wouldn't fix anything, but I just wish I could have given you a REAL hug and knowing I was SO CLOSE! Sigh. :(
 
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