Criteria for New Partners

FormerUnicorn

New member
So there has been a lot of discussion going around lately about how poly women seem to have a lot of relationship options and that the name of the game is really just separating the wheat from the chaff.

For the purposes of this discussion, we'll assume the above statement has enough truth to merit some exploration.

With so many options, how does a woman decide what avenues to pursue? How does being poly differ from being single when you're choosing a new partner? What things do you have to take into consideration? Granted, some times lightning just strikes and you hit it off with someone instantly, but what do you do when you have potential and you are not sure whether to pursue it? What factors help you decide?

See, I feel that looking for, or being open to new partners is an entirely different position to be in now that I'm married. I have an existing relationship that is important to me, and another person's opinion that is important to me. Right off the bat I have criteria that are based on my desire to maintain and possibly enrich those existing connections.

When I was single and looking, I pretty much let my heart or my libido guide me. I didn't have much at risk, except for my own happiness and well-being, and those were easily preserved by making smart decisions once I had established a relationship.

I find that while I might still be open to lightning striking, I'm much more invested in weighing whether or not a person would be a good addition to my life than I was when I was single and willing to figure things out in situ.

I'm less in need of a stabilizing factor. I'm not looking for someone to contribute economically unless they wish to. I'm not feeling the pull of my biological clock since I already have a willing mate. I don't have to worry at this point about finding someone that I can compatibly live with. I'm not interested in people who don't have their own life and goals. I'm not looking to fix anyone broken or act as a crutch to someone dysfunctional.

The list goes on, but the bottom line is that I didn't really THINK about whether or not someone would make a good partner. It's like I wasn't even aware that I could have a vetting process for these people beyond whether or not it felt right. It's not that I didn't have standards, I just didn't think about what I wanted or needed before I got involved.

I'm sure some people would find this pre-judgment stifling, but in the context of my own life I feel a little forethought is a more mature outlook that will contribute more towards my happiness in the long run.

What are some things that you consider?
 
I like "maintaining and enriching" relationships that are already there. That is so important for me now. It wasn't before for me either.

Someone who is able to be independent, has similar values, I like the smell and taste of, has similar humour, that all my other partners get long with.

Might come back to this though as that is not all :)
 
Excellent question FU. <--( Haha had to shorten it. Just once. for kicks. )


I am much like you. I have a primary who I cherish and love deeply. We are each others #1, no questions asked. On top of that, we have a family together.

It does not mean I look at any secondary relationship as unimportant, or something that doesn`t deserve true consideration. It does mean, that I have different criteria for a secondary, or tertiary.

In some ways, there is more freedom. With someone who is a potential secondary, or tertiary, it means I don`t have to worry about the small pet peeves that drive some couples crazy.
For example ;
- Useage and spending of joint money.
- Differing views on politics.
- Living habits.
- Any fundamental differences on raising children.

I have found I do experience a higher need to have more things in common with someone of a secondary or tertiary stature. The 'opposites attract' thing does not work out very well. I now understand that.

So while I recognize that some differences are nice, on a whole, I prefer partners who have similiar hobbies, or interests to me. I enjoy getting to know someone who I can relate to, about a variety of topics.
 
I just blogged about this this morning.

Anyone who comes into my life will, by the nature of my marriage and family, be involved with them to some degree as well. That doesn't mean that we'll necessarily be "one big happy family" but they'll have to be comfortable enough with the rest of my life to come hang out on a Sunday at the lake with my kids and me. I spend so much time away from my kids that there will be overlap with my new partners and my kids - we'll occasionally do 'kid' stuff :)

They'll have to be willing to spend time with my husband as well. Not all the time - but he likes to know my friends. So even if its a matter of 10 minutes waiting for me chatting with hubby while I'm finishing up getting ready or hunting for my purse... there has to be a comfort level and maturity that allows that.

SO yeah - there is a greater consideration for whomever I will get involved with - because there's so much more to think about other than getting my itch scratched.
 
How does being poly differ from being single when you're choosing a new partner? What things do you have to take into consideration?

One way in which being poly- differs from being single is that one (ideally) gets trusted, insightful reality checks from one's partners about new potential interests.

I suppose that I could come up with a list of criteria for poly- dating (must be reasonably enthusiastic about being in poly- relationships, must be reasonably supportive of existing relationships, etc.), but the thing is that relationships begin in some very different ways. Is it someone I barely know and am considering a first date with? My criterion there is finding someone interesting enough I'd want to spend a couple of hours chatting. Is it someone who's been a friend for a while and now there's some mutual attraction? How do I think that's going to fit into my life?

I think making smart choices about people to date is extremely important, but I'm tempted to sort of throw my hands up in the air and just say "develop good taste", which isn't very useful.
 
I think making smart choices about people to date is extremely important, but I'm tempted to sort of throw my hands up in the air and just say "develop good taste", which isn't very useful.

Oh agreed!

This may seem contradictory, but while single, I have been known to throw my heart at relationships that I knew weren't going anywhere from the outset, but I just had to. For the experience, for whatever reason, there was just something.

Now, I do have to be a bit more careful. Because who will be stuck cleaning up the mess if I dive into a very shallow pool? Indigo. This was a startling revelation I had the other night (we have only recently begun practicing poly) and ended with me apologizing profusely for not realizing this very obvious fact.

So, I must keep Indigo in mind. I can't throw myself at someone just to see what happens. My relationships, out of respect for him, need to be less emotionally risky than I may have allowed before we were together.

I imagine that this will only be even more of a consideration as children enter the picture. (Not for some time! :eek: )
 
I expect that any potential partners have to respect and appreciate the importance of my husband to me. They need to be able to be friendly with my family and accept my devotion to my children.

That's for sure my FIRST criteria. I don't want a "segregated" situation. I'm ok with us not sharing lovers-that's fine. But if I have a lover (or he does) I want that person to be at least friendly with both of us.

So far-that hasn't been an issue. ;)
 
As someone who's....just getting out there I can't just think about me. My husband's too important for that. And we've had a negative threesome experience before (that actually guided us towards the poly scene a bit) so we've got things from that in mind. I'm tired of not being accepted. I've dealt with that all of my life.


I don't think I really answered the question.
 
Ah yes, but what are your thoughts? ;)

My thoughts are simple actually. I don't tend to like using criteria or checklists. They limit the potential of what can happen. By creating a positive checklist you are inherently going to ignore the possibility of meeting someone that may not fit it all. Its actually why I find online dating generally counterproductive...

So my wants are the same as they always have been when I was single. I want someone who is loving caring, sexual, ideally kinky. Honesty is important because I am honest and very blunt (as you are learning), I expect the same in return, especially if I am meeting someone online. I hate disingenuous people online.

some of the criteria for what I would normally not want but has changed.

a) I don't want to do distances, I was very against an LDR
b) I had only been interested in finding a "3rd" and she was a unicorn (self proclaimed unicorn hunter here)
c) ummm...honestly I have never had a friendship turn to romance in my life. I am more open to that possibility happening now...

There were other things borne from both ignorance and fear I had in my criteria list. Each one of those slowly but surely being knocked out of the park the more in interactions I have with good people.
 
In some ways, there is more freedom. With someone who is a potential secondary, or tertiary, it means I don`t have to worry about the small pet peeves that drive some couples crazy.
For example ;
- Useage and spending of joint money.
- Differing views on politics.
- Living habits.
- Any fundamental differences on raising children.
This is true for me too. I had a very long, complicated check list of what I wanted in a partner before I was married, because I knew what I needed to make me happy and secure long term. I only had relationships with people who could tick right boxes on my list.

Now I have someone I live with very happily, I don't need to worry about that as much. If I find another well-matched, potential primary, then that would be okay, but that isn't my only goal anymore. If we click, are attracted to each other, enjoy each other's company, then that is good enough for me, now; it just might not be a long-lasting relationship or a love-match.

The only new criteria I have now that I am married and poly, is the one that LovingRadiance mentioned: respect for my marriage is absolutely crucial. In fact, this was one thing that attracted me to my bf - he understood that it was in his best interests that my marriage was happy, and he went out of his way to make friends with my husband. I couldn't date someone who was awkward around my husband, or who was uncomfortable or resentful about my marriage.
 
This is true for me too. I had a very long, complicated check list of what I wanted in a partner before I was married, because I knew what I needed to make me happy and secure long term. I only had relationships with people who could tick right boxes on my list.

Now I have someone I live with very happily, I don't need to worry about that as much. If I find another well-matched, potential primary, then that would be okay, but that isn't my only goal anymore. If we click, are attracted to each other, enjoy each other's company, then that is good enough for me, now; it just might not be a long-lasting relationship or a love-match.

The only new criteria I have now that I am married and poly, is the one that LovingRadiance mentioned: respect for my marriage is absolutely crucial. In fact, this was one thing that attracted me to my bf - he understood that it was in his best interests that my marriage was happy, and he went out of his way to make friends with my husband. I couldn't date someone who was awkward around my husband, or who was uncomfortable or resentful about my marriage.

This is...what I needed to read today. For someone who writes I have a hard time with figuring out how to word what I'm thinking when it comes to this.
 
Nothing has really changed. I've always had family and close friends, and if anyone I was ever dating didn't treat them with the proper respect, they hit the road packing. But I have pretty good jerk-radar, so I can't remember a single time that's actually happened!

I still wait for lightning to strike. Sometimes I stick lightning rods in the ground to attract it, but I never throw a toaster in the bathtub.

[[LoL, I just love that analogy]]

If I found someone with whom I clicked and I felt that I just had to pursue it, I would do so. Of course, I would be conscious of my husband and would proceed carefully, but I guess I've always been more rational than emotional, so that's nothing new. In other words, I've moved very quickly into relationships before that just didn't work out, but I was conscious of what I was doing all along the way.

When I was single, I always made sure that every relationship was good for me and enhanced my life. When a relationship stopped enhancing my life, I ended it (the relationship, not my life :p). Now that my life is shared with another person, this philosophy just extends to him being part of my life. In other words, anything that harms my marriage harms me as well.

Like Ari, I've never been a fan of partner-criteria. If I would have had criteria, my husband wouldn't have made the cut!!! And that would super duper suck! He's a conservative, smoking redneck who drives too fast and recklessly and has a kid and spends money carelessly. Ask me 4 years ago if I would have ever married someone like that, and I'd say no frickin way... and yet I love my life and the part he plays in it!
 
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