Oh, my...
alinmat, this isn't gonna be easy to read, but I really do believe your good intentions are outrunning your brain. Please, I hope you stay around & learn -- but I feel like I'm watching you about to step over a ledge, & stopping you might get a little rough.
I feel jealousy is a part of monogamy and with poly there is only love and openness.
Nope -- reread the pamphlets.
Jealousy is part of
being human. Rather, it is unbridled
Romanticism that dishonestly sets up jealousy as somehow
proof of True Love, & therefore a vital component. This nonsense plays a primary role in turning simple monogamy into
the cult of Monogamism.
And there's plenty of actively polyamorous people who still cart around big unquestioned chunks of Romanticism.
I have kiddingly mentioned to my husband I want to try this
That is baldly passive-aggressive behavior. You are also thus setting yourself up for the later rationalization
"well, I told you, & I thought you understood..." in an attempt to shift responsibility.
Stop it.
Either sit down & have a SERIOUS "I'm not being a cute fluffy airhead here" talk about your intentions, or give up on polyamory because it's too much actual work for you. Be prepared to either drop the subject forever, or to end your marriage -- there's lots of turf in the centre, certainly, but a major life change might require that you actually make
a major life change.
That might mean giving up everything that "the old you" had & having the guts/honesty to grow
as an individual without needing to cling to Old You & all her little safety blankets... like a husband to clean up any messes that might happen.
And if you're not ready to make such a drastic change, then be honest, & step away.
I dont want to be a "cheat"
And there we go with passive aggression again. As Berne would point out, the sentence is properly presented as
Well, I don't want to be a cheat, but...
indicating you're willing to be "seduced" or "talked into" something or maybe plead that you were
swept away by the moment (or other such Romanticist claptrap).
I want to ... live fully and freely.
An individual
cannot live fully OR freely as half of a couple, especially when that dyad occurs before conversion to polyamory. Okay, that's my prejudice, but I've seen it proven a hundred times over. You had freedom before you married, before you even met your husband -- embrace that.
How do I know I am truly poly and not just looking for an excuse to have a lover?
I'm of the opinion that "polyamory" is the peak of a steep & somewhat crumbly mountain. Most times, we're merely trudging gamely upward, Sisyphus without a rock... but often circling around, stopping to enjoy the view, running downhill for the hell of it, or whatever. The thing is, even when we get to that sharp point, there's only so long we can remain up there before weslip off (however little) & resume climbing.
You might "be poly" by being ruthlessly honest with yourself, by being direct & unequivocal with those nearest to you, & by refusing to allow "misunderstanding" to cast shadows where any dishonesty can hide (or be cunningly hidden). Root out, recognize, & get rid of Romanticist garbage -- the more you cling to, the less poly you can ever become.