Jealous behavior

shurikenlove

New member
I've been lurking for a while now and I feel comfortable asking you all for some advice. Sorry in advance for the long post.

I'm dating G and we have a 3 month Old, N. G is married to L (she was dating C, but he broke up with her after finding out she was pregnant) and they have a 2 month old, J. My relationship with G was great at first, but it began to deteriorate during mine and L's pregnancies. Our relationship is even worse post-pregnancies. L has begun to display some really awful passive-aggressive jealous tendencies. For example: L lets J get down to his last few diapers and tells G he can't stay at my place long because he needs to go and get diapers. She calls G over and over while he's at my place about things that are 2 weeks away or because the baby is crying or other things that aren't pressing and could be discussed when he gets home.

There are many more examples, but I need to get to my question: how do I tell G that I think L is jealous and potentially over being poly? Or do you all think I'm reading into her behavior too much?
 
A new baby is a time when the people who are going to parent the baby need extra resources from one another. The three of you chose to have babies very close together and that will mean your shared partner will be extremely stretched. It might help if all three adults and the two babies spend time together. The children are siblings anyway and having them bond should be part of the plan, regardless of how the adults feel about each other.

Game changers like marriage, illness, a new baby etc are prime times for revaluation. She might be reconsidering poly or she might be simply wanting the extra support we need from our partners and loved ones at poignant times.

Your partner has to take more onus for creating two children close together. The women both chose to have a baby, he chose to have two. One way he could do that is to make sure each mother has a days worth of supplies before he leaves them.
 
A new baby is a time when the people who are going to parent the baby need extra resources from one another. The three of you chose to have babies very close together and that will mean your shared partner will be extremely stretched. It might help if all three adults and the two babies spend time together. The children are siblings anyway and having them bond should be part of the plan, regardless of how the adults feel about each other.

Game changers like marriage, illness, a new baby etc are prime times for revaluation. She might be reconsidering poly or she might be simply wanting the extra support we need from our partners and loved ones at poignant times.

Your partner has to take more onus for creating two children close together. The women both chose to have a baby, he chose to have two. One way he could do that is to make sure each mother has a days worth of supplies before he leaves them.

That's another thing. I got pregnant by accident. I think he got her pregnant on purpose because he knew it would upset her if he and I had a child and they didn't. When he told her I was pregnant and further along she didn't like it.

I buy all of my own supplies, and I never run out. He has purchased one pack of diapers and handed me $50 in 3 months. I don't need his money because I work full time.

I used to love when we would all spend time together, but she complains about J constantly, and when she's not whining about him she's holding N and trying to block me out altogether. Her body language is bad. I don't like when people play games when there are children involved. G is completely oblivious to the bad body language and he enables her complaining.

She had some jealous tendencies before but I guess it was easier to overlook then.

I'm just stressed and I don't know how to talk to G. Our relationship is strained enough without bad blood between L and I.
 
You just need to be in the same place sometimes so the children can bond with their sibling and their father. If you feel that your child's access to their father is threatened, split up so there are no complications and then arrange formal visitation and/or child support.
 
Your issue is wirh G, not L.

If you want time with him that is uninterrupted, then it is up to him to ensure that time is uninterrupted. Whether that means he steps up and makes sure she has everything she needs, or making arrangements so that L can get what she needs without relying on G. If she continues to interrupt your time with G, your issue is still with G. It is up to G to figure out how to provide you with uninterrupted time together, if that's what is important to you. You don't have to get into why you think she is interrupting your time together because as far as you're concerned, it's irrelevant. It's not your issue, it's theirs.

If you're not enjoying your time with L, you need to talk to her directly. There's no reason to bring G into the middle. If you can't come to an agreement to be nice to each other, then don't spend time with her.
 
Your issue is wirh G, not L.

If you want time with him that is uninterrupted, then it is up to him to ensure that time is uninterrupted. Whether that means he steps up and makes sure she has everything she needs, or making arrangements so that L can get what she needs without relying on G. If she continues to interrupt your time with G, your issue is still with G. It is up to G to figure out how to provide you with uninterrupted time together, if that's what is important to you. You don't have to get into why you think she is interrupting your time together because as far as you're concerned, it's irrelevant. It's not your issue, it's theirs.

If you're not enjoying your time with L, you need to talk to her directly. There's no reason to bring G into the middle. If you can't come to an agreement to be nice to each other, then don't spend time with her.

No one talks to L if they have an issue of any sort. Even their friends and family prefer to talk to G. L will burst into tears at the drop of a hat and claim a stress induced migraine in order to avoid conflict resolution. I'm not very skilled in dealing with her personality type, so I wouldn't know where to start, but you are correct. It's not my issue. That actually makes feel better.

I would like to go back to enjoying the time we all spend together. I've never been anything but accommodating and loving towards her, so I just don't know where this is all coming from. I've been a shoulder to cry on and supported her and even gotten out of bed and driven to pick her up from work when she had a meltdown. I thought we were friends.
 
One thing to consider is that it sounds like L does not have a very stable personality in the best of times, and now she (and you) has post-pregnancy hormones to add to mix. Some people react more strongly to hormonal changes, and she may be one of them. This may make her even less stable. So her behavior is probably less about you and more about her ability to cope in general.

That said, I empathize with your dilemma. While I do think it is beneficial to give others the benefit of the doubt and be accomodating as possible, I had to learn the hard way, that rare individuals will allow me to do all the accomodating and ask for more, while he or she gives nothing and are totally offended at the thought that I might expect him or her to actually compromise and contribute. L sounds much like the person who taught me this lesson. Perhaps, she is not; I hope she is not.
 
One thing to consider is that it sounds like L does not have a very stable personality in the best of times, and now she (and you) has post-pregnancy hormones to add to mix. Some people react more strongly to hormonal changes, and she may be one of them. This may make her even less stable. So her behavior is probably less about you and more about her ability to cope in general.

That said, I empathize with your dilemma. While I do think it is beneficial to give others the benefit of the doubt and be accomodating as possible, I had to learn the hard way, that rare individuals will allow me to do all the accomodating and ask for more, while he or she gives nothing and are totally offended at the thought that I might expect him or her to actually compromise and contribute. L sounds much like the person who taught me this lesson. Perhaps, she is not; I hope she is not.

She had a strange childhood because her mom went round the twist for a time and she hasn't fully dealt with that. And she's not a mean spirited person, so I feel bad for the way I'm feeling towards her right now. I'm not feeling that great towards G either, but he can deal with sitting down and discussing what's wrong. I sincerely hope that things improve soon. This is more stress than I'm emotionally equipped for at the moment.
 
...meanwhile, back at the ranch, there are two babies who didn't ask to be brought into any of this. Who cares if he tried to get her pregnant. Who cares if your pregnancy was accidental. Does this somehow make you a better person, or he shouldn't be buying diapers for his kid because you think he deliberately impregnated his wife (as if that's some crime) or what exactly does accidental and deliberate have to do with anything? These are simply two babies who need diapers, food, love, holding, peaceful environments ideally, and some stability from the adults in their lives.

He should be helping his wife out with a brand new baby. He should be buying diapers for his own child. Frankly, he ought to be buying diapers for both his children. It's beside the point whether you need his money or not. That's his child.

I hope all three adults involved can stop focusing on themselves and pointing fingers and start putting these two brand new babies first. :(
 
...meanwhile, back at the ranch, there are two babies who didn't ask to be brought into any of this. Who cares if he tried to get her pregnant. Who cares if your pregnancy was accidental. Does this somehow make you a better person, or he shouldn't be buying diapers for his kid because you think he deliberately impregnated his wife (as if that's some crime) or what exactly does accidental and deliberate have to do with anything? These are simply two babies who need diapers, food, love, holding, peaceful environments ideally, and some stability from the adults in their lives.

He should be helping his wife out with a brand new baby. He should be buying diapers for his own child. Frankly, he ought to be buying diapers for both his children. It's beside the point whether you need his money or not. That's his child.

I hope all three adults involved can stop focusing on themselves and pointing fingers and start putting these two brand new babies first. :(

I don't know what logic you're using, but getting your wife pregnant just because your girlfriend is pregnant is not smart. Newborn care is hard and new moms need support. The kids are 5 weeks apart exactly. I didn't say anything about being a better person, but I also need support and G only supporting L is messed up on his part. I am the only stable one in the group. G wasn't around for most of my pregnancy and only supported L. After N arrived he tried a little, but he kept guilt tripping me for not including L more. The post partum period is very difficult and I wanted time for G, N, and I to bond. Just because there are babies involved does not mean my feelings or needs go away. What he ought to be doing and what he is doing are two very different things. I don't know if you know anything about giving birth, but taking care of mom is taking care of baby.
 
Would it be easier if you guys lived together or next door like in a duplex?

Probably, but her parents are paying their rent right now because they are struggling financially. That's why I pay for all of my own stuff and don't ask him for money. If we moved in together I'd end up paying for all of us and I wouldn't have any money left over.
 
It sounds to me that G didn't want to have a child with anyone but his wife. And it certainly sounds like L didn't want him to have children outside their relationship either.

If this is the case, I am wondering why you proceeded with the pregnancy in the first place.
 
It sounds to me that G didn't want to have a child with anyone but his wife. And it certainly sounds like L didn't want him to have children outside their relationship either.

If this is the case, I am wondering why you proceeded with the pregnancy in the first place.

I only proceeded because he was so happy when I told him I was pregnant. He told me that they had discussed the possibility of me getting pregnant and they were both fine and happy with the prospect of having a family with me. I don't know why he would lie since I was willing to have an abortion if having the baby was going to harm their marriage. He told me that they both loved me and that he was thrilled to have a child with me. Reading your post has given me doubts though. I have some thinking to do.
 
Just because there are babies involved does not mean my feelings or needs go away. What he ought to be doing and what he is doing are two very different things. I don't know if you know anything about giving birth, but taking care of mom is taking care of baby.

No, sorry. Your feelings, relationships and insecurities are irrelevant. You chose to have a baby. You come second
Break up with him, arrange visitation and forget your insignificant issues with romantic relationships
Be a parent, do what is best for your kid, forget what you think you need
 
No, sorry. Your feelings, relationships and insecurities are irrelevant. You chose to have a baby. You come second
Break up with him, arrange visitation and forget your insignificant issues with romantic relationships
Be a parent, do what is best for your kid, forget what you think you need

So I'm supposed to throw away our relationship because there's a rough patch and we have kids? That's not very good advice. And a new mom's feelings are very important. Anyone who says otherwise has never dealt with post partum depression. I love N more than life, and I love G or N wouldn't even be here. But G told me I was co-primary not secondary and that L was on board with that. I simply need advice on how to deal with this the right way. I don't want bad feelings to fester among us. Obviously, I want what's best for N. Broken hearted parents is not high on the list.
 
Well you obviously aren't a co primary

Your boyfriend issues are not relevant to your duty as a parent. Who cares who you love, right now your kids relationship with their dad is threatened. Breaking up with your kids dad might help that situatiom so you break up and arrange formal visitation
That's putting your kid first.
I've been a parent for 7 years and I'm a midwife. You often become a better parent when you stop focusing on romance & relationships.
 
Yet you think a neurotic parent, one chasing a man and a dad who is there for you when his wife let's him is preferable?
 
Well you obviously aren't a co primary

Your boyfriend issues are not relevant to your duty as a parent. Who cares who you love, right now your kids relationship with their dad is threatened. Breaking up with your kids dad might help that situatiom so you break up and arrange formal visitation
That's putting your kid first.
I've been a parent for 7 years and I'm a midwife. You often become a better parent when you stop focusing on romance & relationships.

His relationship with N isn't in any danger. He sees N every day except Saturday and Sunday. He works nights and I work days so he takes care of N while I'm at work. L and J are with him sometimes, so the kids see each other often.
 
Yet you think a neurotic parent, one chasing a man and a dad who is there for you when his wife let's him is preferable?

I am hardly neurotic. We haven't had any issues until recently. My first suggestion when L started acting strange was no more overnights or dates until she was feeling better. He comes over when he gets ready. He has a key. I recently told him that he was making things worse by coming over when she says she can't handle J by herself. I don't see where I'm the problem. I don't interrupt his time at home. I've set it up so he can come and go as he pleases, and I have arranged for other childcare when he needs it. Feeling pretty accomodating over here. Loving my child doesn't mean I don't exist anymore.
 
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