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Old 01-26-2013, 05:14 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Terra Nullius
Posts: 414

My response to "I think my girlfriend may be straight"...

Desire is such a weird and fluid thing, hyper susceptible to interference and feedback from other factors... I totally hear that this may be a deeper, general issue to do with orientation rather than a you-specific dynamic, but I wonder how helpful it is to couch this worry in terms of Gia being straight/not rather than simply how things are between the two of you per se.

There may be many reasons why things are particularly complex in the sexual desire department between you and Gia... Can this be addressed head-on? Or sideways, vulnerable, hopeful, light-footed... ?

I know, for me, when my sex drive comes into question (most problematic when it's waned, for whatever reason, towards a particular person), the absolute worst thing is feeling pressure to fix it, or that things are only right if that aspect of our relationship is right.

Times like that, I can need a lot of space, and a strong reassurance that I can have non-sexual intimate with this person without feeling like I "owe them" sex, before I feel relaxed enough to explore being sexual (even so far as asking myself if I feel like it).

Gia's relief when you reassured her that you were happy to simply spend time together, even if you weren't physically intimate, resonated a lot with me. Feeling trapped in someone else's expectations can be a major block...

That said, phew, this shit is tough from your perspective. I wonder if it's possible to weave the most difficult aspects of your patience into a form of service? Gia calling you "hers" is a beautiful affirmation of her tenderness towards you... I'm not sure about this, I mean, it's such a personal thing.

I sometimes think about ways of serving that are waiting (actually waiting), without being paid attention to... This is one of the hardest things to do and still feel valued, I think. They don't want me right now, I am not needed or desired, or perhaps even thought about, but it is nonetheless a mutual act of love/intimacy... Not sure if you connect with this at all, but thought I'd share. Peace
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bisexual, boundaries, mono/poly, pregnancy, secondary, unrequited, vee

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