Hmmmmm....

Sorry to hear things didn't work out with "Epiphany Girl." It sounds like you're taking it in stride, so that's good. Hope to hear further updates as time goes on! :)

Thank you for being encouraging! I reread back a few posts and I'm glad to see the progression of the story is still making the same sense.

Hmm said:
I've been struggling internally with the thought of, who can I count on? It seems I have the habit of getting eagerly attracted to girls with trust issues, which has the dual-negative of being an unstable, insecure relationship, a, which has a tendency to vanish completely when it's over, b. And I definitely don't want to build this ship to wreck.
...
Overall, I feel more on top of things than ever, romantically. I feel like I'm making new mistakes and not just repeating the old.

Those struggles from September are still the same struggles I'm facing today. Who can I count on? I'm surrounded by relative strangers. Too often for comfort, as my bonds start to run deeper, they thin out until they trickle down to nothing. It's rather unnerving and makes the whole "getting to know" you process daunting, to say the least.

All the same, I'm glad to say I've been making overwhelming progress into developing more into the person I want to be: calm, centered, in control, charismatic, all that good stuff. The loneliness has been challenging as it always has, but I've come more to peace with it. I've accepted that because I've set my standards for a lover so uncommonly, the road to success will be lined with failures and loneliness. This is how I want it, but it is still rather tough.

The fwb (I realize I've been talking about since the first post in this thread) and I decided we had "irreconcilable differences" -- she wanted monogamy and I wanted polyamory. Yet she said she was okay with the for-the-now fucking around, and I wasn't 100% gung ho for it, but I wasn't seeing a reason to stop, so we didn't. That is, until we did. The lyric you should know me better by now came to mind right off the bat. For a long while, my libido with her was iffy. The final days of our relationship, it felt like we were living in two realities having two distinct, saran-wrap-divided conversations. My patience for our relationship finally ran out, and I stopped trying to hold on. Apparently that was the only thing keeping me from seeing our glaring discrepancies. I see now what I didn't see then as red flag material, and I will use that knowledge going forward, ever-bettering my understanding of the world as it is.

That relationship ended about a month ago now. I thought it could and would end in friendship, but to no avail. Since then, I've been less interested in actively searching for romance. I believe my then-ignorance to the red flags allowed me to go too far with her, and that hurt her in a way she is not forgiving me for. I can't force another to forgive.

I've started focusing more on my immediate surroundings, as a result. I've been trying to build more friendships and build more on my friendships. I've become more disillusioned by Tinder dates, OKCupid dates, etc. Lust as a driving factor has stopped being compelling for me. I identify with my preferred gravitation toward stoicism over hedonism.

A girl messaged me on OKCupid the other day, and it helped bring some perspective. On her profile, she said she was poly-curious, and I realized just how much my life was affected by the lack of likeminded people like that. Her impulse to message me wasn’t repeated… oh well!

But not only am I surrounded by monogamously minded people the vast majority of the time, those people are college-aged kids. Really, kids. I feel like I’m more eager to get out than I am afraid of the world beyond, now. It used to be the other way around, that the “real world” was scary. A lot of people here still have this mindset. But I’m just itching to get out and meet a wider variety of people in a more relaxed environment than school allows. Freedom. College is intentionally made ethnically diverse to give people the chance to interact with different walks of life, but I feel like that philosophy needs to be taken at least a few steps further. Too much indoctrination; not enough of what Socrates called “liberal education” blah blah blah, but that’s a rant for a differently themed site. I feel like an airplane with a tiny runway. I feel like big fish in a small pond. I feel like I’m a piano and only one octave of the keys are even being played. The claustrophobia used to be crippling, but now I take it more in stride. And I’m writing this post to vent it all out, because the feeling of lostness still resides at times, and I’m sure that has to to partially with the loneliness and the not having anybody to directly express this to. At least, not to anybody who understands and passionately empathizes with it. I endure the claustrophobia because I’m investing in my future, is the rationale. I can delay gratification. That’s why I suffer. In the meantime, I develop and grow and flourish the best I can given the circumstances. My appraisal of it all is optimistic. But there’s still the suck of it all. I see both sides of the coin.

My best friend (who is female) has a steady and positive fwb relationship, and I am genuinely happy for her. I’m aware of my own very giving, considerate abilities; any envy I have for her situation (or jealousy I have of her fwb’s situation) pales in comparison to those abilities. I only bring it up because when I used to read the claim that women have so much more luck than men at dating in poly, I thought I was some kind of hot shot because I could get dates with relative ease. I see now how I was underestimating character flaws and committing faux pas to the effect where the quality of these relationships did not justify the quantity. Now, my quantity is zero, and the quality I’m shooting for is definitely higher. But my story definitely resonates the theory that women have it easier than men in the dating world as true, and I see that now. Then again, my friend is an extraordinary woman. So she has that going for her :p

In my earlier days of poly, and I only just thought of this while wrapping up the last paragraph, I would oscillate between having standards that were too low for me and holding a standard that was too damn high. Now, I’m getting emotionally closer to two girl _ friends who are clearly as inexperienced (if not injured) romantically as anyone I’ve dated. On the whole, it feels like less than I want. I won’t use the word “deserve” there. It’s less than I strive for, the quality of relationship. On the other hand, it’s what I have. These simply are my friends and I don’t just want to give up on them because I feel better. I don’t want to quit, but I don’t want to be sucked into a kafkaesque vicious cycle because I didn’t draw the lines right. And I don’t want to realize too late that I didn’t draw the lines right and cause unnecessary harm in someone for pushing them away. And then panicking inside, and basically laying waste to it all. I’m looking, in all aspects of my life, to be making a positive effect on those around me. I’ve dwelled too long in negativity, and I’m relearning just how powerful my ability to be positive, motivational, inspirational, and all that jazz can be. I used to be that way when I was young and naive, but I wasn’t strong about it. Now that I’ve been broken and had to put myself back together, I’ve learned just how crucial my integrity is to finding lasting, meaningful happiness. A brilliant structure that can be blown away in the wind counts for next to nothing. The adage about “1% inspiration and 99% perspiration” rings true. And I just want to be as utterly sure as I possibly can be that in the way I am handling these relationships, I am not doing harm and I am only causing good. To the best of my ever-bettering ability, I think I am doing that. I’m trying to draw the line of where is too far regarding intimacy, and it’s an ever-shifting balancing act, but I feel like I’m getting it. Conclusive evidence pending. All I have are bread crumbs. And on the concept of oscillating between low standards and high standards, I'm feeling now that it's better to build on those more depressing relationships than try to jump the gun and shoot for out of my league. Staying grounded in my here-and-now, I'm not overeager trying to change where I am. I'm settling myself into my now, and the fact of the matter is, my now involves these two friends, and I have been given this opportunity, and I shall use that opportunity to learn to build better and smarter.

More melancholy a post than usual, but it’ll have to do for now.
 
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I guess there is a fine line between setting a high bar and between making the best of what already is. You have put considerable thought into it and I think you'll be able to keep it in balance.
 
Hello again poly hivemind!

Time keeps ticking and things keep rolling along. I didn't go out searching for relationships, but as natural as bees making honey, a couple found their way to me. This winter, I spent a lot of time with a girl (let's call her Maria) whom I had met late the semester before. (She's actually one of the "two friends" from the end of last post!) She's a virgin with little experience. Slowly but surely, however, she made a move, and now we're a casual thing. We've made impressive strides in communicating together, taking down her walls, etc. I told her from the get-go of my poly ways, and she thought long and hard about it, and decided it didn't turn her off, but she wanted to stay ignorant to the details if or when they arose. And I can understand it; she's still new to any relationship, just being with a boy in a healthy manner. No need to inundate her with polyness so quickly!

Aside from the pleasure I'm getting out of it, I try to keep in mind that I am being a positive presence in her life. Aren't I? I seem to think I am. I'm not really overthinking it, though. I'm taking whatever I know and trying to apply it in order to excel at being me, and part of that striving for excellence is to avoid excess stress. I'm realizing more and more and in order to survive in the world, you have to learn to be a confident, stable force of youness.

So I don't apologize or go to great lengths to explain myself to unwilling listeners. I used to give too many fucks about the opinions of others, but now I stand by what I do and don't rely on other people's reactions to define me. Not to say that I ignore them, but I accept the relativity of their judgments; they don't know me, and they're living their own journey. Not to mention, patience. I used to be searching so much more intently for a lover, but now I am a stubborn, stable, self-aware mass of self. I'm just cruising my way through the semester, aware of what I bring to the table, and seeing who may come to the table ready to handle all that ;)

In addition to Maria, another girl from one of my classes has expressed a lot of interest in me, and well, I'm treading carefully. On the one hand, she seems more into me than I am into her. On the other hand, I don't think that necessarily precludes that there is potential for a positive, growthful, intimate relationship between us. Either way, I'm doing me, not thinking too hard about it and just going with the times as they come. I'm reacting with the best I know. Wisdom comes not from age but experience and reflection, and well, I'm getting more experience by entering a relationship pattern yet unfamiliar to me. And I'm sure you can tell, I come with no shortage of reflection :)

The semester is rolling along quite smoothly. As a plane with my metaphorically small runway, I'm on the brim of burgeoning into a fuller version of me, but simultaneously holding back because the world just ain't ready to handle more of me. The assembly line I have placed myself on requires I fit at least somewhat comfortably inside the box for the time being, and I'm focusing the majority of my energy on completing that.

Friends? Homework? Schoolwork? Activities? Music? Music-making? Sleep? Work? I'm juggling all of these things, and my oh my do homework and schoolwork take an unholy amount of focus to juggle. When those two things clear off my schedule, my life will become so much lighter, I keep saying. Then, godwilling, in my less hinged, less restrained adulthood, I may have time to more seriously devote to relationship(s)!? And sleep and all those other things, too.

Living day-to-day, it's easy to take for granted I've never really lived with this attitude before. I've gone through libidinous, youthful, desperately optimistic, monogamously minded naïveté driving me into earlier relationships. I've gone through the more stressed, heartbreaky, desperate, polyamorously minded learning process as of late. And now, I'm into relaxed, more mature, more stable, more experienced relationship-seeking patterns, overall. This perspective is utterly novel to me, yet realizing how new this is doesn't just happen automatically. Crazy stuff to think about! I'm sure with more time, my thoughts on this will keep developing and Till then! xoxo
 
Sounds like you've risen to a new plane of experience (while still having some puzzles to solve in life). Hang in there with the school stuff and whatnot.
 
Sounds like you've risen to a new plane of experience (while still having some puzzles to solve in life).

That sounds like a very good analysis!

(This is my second time writing since the page crashed as I submitted, so here I go:)

As for reaching a new plane of experience, I'm still questioning the integrity or stability of those planes. It's not a plane of experience I can count on standing on for long, but maybe that's okay. Some planes are like little platforms you can jump to and jump off of. My mind for now is on keeping my footing and leaving platforms better than when I found them, if I can.

Maria is very new to relationships, and is becoming comfortable with just any relationship. My polyness isn't bothering her, but she still wants my other relationships out of sight and mind. Just because the situation isn't ideal for me doesn't mean I'm not able to enjoy the experience. The "high bar" metaphor here seems to come apart. It's not my poly dream, but it's nice, and it's for now.

As for the other girl (whom I've known for less than a month, so I don't think her story merits a name yet?), she's young, fairly inexperienced, and hasn't known a very healthy, supportive relationship yet.

In both cases, I'm outside of what's familiar for them, which is in itself poses some challenges. It's familiar and comfortable for me to play the role of the nurturer like that. I have just had to realize the limitations of the role: I can't nurture just anyone into a better life place. Not every horse can be led to water, let alone made to drink, so to speak.

I like the way I said it in my first draft of this, but I'm still a bit discombobulated at times without someone whose path merges with mine, without somebody who shares my outlook and mutually inspires me. That would be the ideal partner for me, I'd think. Would that be a unicorn-level standard to seek? In any case, right now, I'm gradually entering my way into two fairly new relationships which may just end up being for-nows, where our paths meet then diverge. Or maybe they'll meet here and then once there before diverging. Maybe they'll meet now and diverge to remeet later in a different plane of experience, as it were. Maybe it'll be a lifelong pattern of meeting and remeeting. At the very least, writing this helped me get my perspective back on the matter, which I'm happy about. When the girls I'm seeing (or the pretty much anyone I spend time with) aren't naturally poly-minded per se, taking time to really evaluate everything helps for me. It's not ideal, any of it, but I'm rolling with the punches and giving a few kisses along the way. Hopefully that brightens the path behind me.

Here's to skipping from one experience plane to the next!
 
Another day, another plane to roll onto!

In the time since my last post, it feels like a lot has happened, so I figured it’s about time to regroup my thoughts and put them into word format.

As for the unnamed girl in some of my classes I had just met this semester, she started to get on my nerves, so I ended things. I still see her most days because of classes, but I’m mostly unirked by it. Not by age but by character, she just reeks of being, what a colleague of mine calls it, appropriately enough, “a teenager.” So I’m glad I’ve moved on, looking for more responsible, reasonable relationships to enter into.

The question of communication is an important one to me. Whether we’re seeing eye-to-eye on matters is crucial to me. If we can’t hear each other’s hearts, what are we doing together? Considering I have yet to find a relationship with a girl more experienced than I am (I do play the role of the nurturer rather by default), I find myself with girls whose comfort zones are invariably smaller than mine, leading to some conflict I’ve had to learn to handle.

Maria and I have had a slowly developing relationship, and I’m feeling very good about it. She has my same disregard for ego, valuing the bigger picture instead of petty, selfish endeavors, for the most part. She has dreams and the plans and means to achieve them. She’s a great listener, and not used to being listened to in return. That has been a big place of progress for us, getting her to express herself and open up about her desires. I know I’m all too skilled at putting things into words, and nurturing that potential in another person is always a fine line to walk. Encouraging someone to open up takes a special blend of patience and oomph. Too much patience and you become a slug, not enough patience and you become pushy. Underwhelming, overwhelming, and she’s not used to giving signals, which makes it especially precarious when I have to go by my own instincts in guessing where to draw the lines. We’ve talked about it though, and she has reassured me, despite her sometimes apparent discomfort, her affect doesn’t match her internal experience, and I believe her. It has been a mighty intriguing puzzle, that one’s outer expression of desire can so mismatch one’s internal desires, and what factors growing up influence such a schism. We’ve been building on reaching deeper into her psyche than she’s ever let anyone in, and making progress there, especially now that we’re more aware of this progression being made, has been very joyful for both of us. She’s by and large not very sexually reactive, which can come off as not being in the mood, though when she says she’s very into something we’re doing despite her signals otherwise, it does produce quite the conundrum. Conundrum, hmm? Mm. Not all hills to climb are sloped the same, but regardless, I’m facing this challenge and sharpening my mind in the process. Of course, I’ve been overly optimistic about relationships and their aftermaths in the past, but I must be getting better at it still by now, so that doesn’t have to be that way forever, right?

A girl I met on Tinder the other year and I reconnected this year, and that has also been quite a development. Between her and Maria, the experience has been stark. This Tinder girl (Tinder being an app I don’t foresee myself using again anytime soon) has been a hot mess. Family life in shambles, friendless, recent heartbreak… I’ve been attracted to her despite (or perhaps, partly because of?) her turmoil, but vowing to myself not to involve myself except in good circumstances. And recently, she’s made a 180° turn for the positive. Where before she was trapped by mental limitations, now she has… swung the pendulum the other way. She’s taken a turn for the slutty, and I’m by far the person she’s the closest to. Until this point, we’ve been platonic, and I’m genuinely supportive of her endeavors. (We all need to make some mistakes to figure out what we’re doing here, right?) This is still fresh and recent, so for all I know, the pendulum might swing back into the depressive side in no time. I’m not too attached, but still invested, involved, intrigued, and trying to let my gentle force have its effect with her. She’s still more slut than ethical, and I’m trying to encourage that in her too, but obviously I let her do what she’ll do. I’m not her parent, but I want to be a good friend/lover, or whatever works for us.

I met a girl at a party. She was very charming to talk to, and I enjoyed it a lot. She has a boyfriend, so I expected nothing beyond platonic to take hold, even if feelings arise. We met a second time the other week, and the connection was very strong and very immediate. She told me about a Brazilian show called Amores Livres, which she had watched about polyamory, and she said she was very curious about it. (We tried to find episodes to stream online, but to no avail. Perhaps you..? (On top of that, I saw this news article about a celebrity open marriage. It seems polyamory has really been trickling more and more into the mainstream, hmm? A fascinating development indeed.) I could tell she was very torn by the situation of having a boyfriend but feeling eager to try an open relationship. We did nothing but talk for a few hours and it was very emotional! I’m still keeping myself in check and stolid about it. The challenge never goes away, but it has become tons more manageable as I keep saying every post. She did choose to stay with her boyfriend and keep the polyamory on hold, and I not only respect and admire but prefer her decision, despite how badly I wanted it and miss not having a poly-minded individual intimately in my life. (Well, she's vowed to be a close friend regardless, which I'm looking forward to!) She’s had past struggles of picking a life and sticking with it… so for her to stick with her boyfriend despite being pulled another direction is a big plus for her. I feel optimistic about the future; if she ends up available someday in the future, I could see a lot of potential between us. But I’m not riding any bets on it :)

I’ve also been reconsidering my stance on hookups. So far, I’ve had a bad taste in my mouth from sex-first relationships. They’re like candy without dinner: fun for a flash but sickening after a bit. However, is it possible to have a beneficial hookup? Can I change what I do, mentally, in the way I approach a hookup that makes it a positive, growing experience for the both of us? I’m considering it. I’m feeling freer, less considering my peers’ expectations or judgments. Not that I’m keen on burning bridges, but I don’t care much about bonds made on the pretense of repressing desires I find to be ethical.

I’m still not out of the water in finding my way, but I’m making lots of progress and enjoying lots of new experiences! And all the same old gripes about being trapped in the assembly line that is school still apply. It’s like I embarked on a river raft across a river, encapsulating me in my accreditation to achieve my later career goals. I’m torn between enjoyment and hatred of my circumstances, but overall glad almost to be out and finding ways to enjoy them while they last. We’re lectured to a lot about mindfulness meditation and the value of being in the moment, but the prominent reason I’m here is to skip to a higher, more rewarding external plane of circumstance while still yearning to improve my mental plane of existence. Oh, the years of my soul I’ve sold to the system~~

Till next time,
Hmm <3
 
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Between Maria and the other two girls, you've had your plate full. :cool:
 
In the time since my last post, it feels like a lot has happened, so I figured it’s about time to regroup my thoughts and put them into word format.

If a lot happened between my last two posts, then that's nothing compared to what's happened between that last post and this one. Where to begin!

So, I graduated, and I feel so much better being out of that rather constricting environment. I put up with a lot of bullshit being there, which wasn't conducive for me being my best, most authentic self. This is good!

Maria and I knew for a long time we didn't want the same thing. I was with her because she was a virgin, and I wanted to be a learning experience for her. I wanted to see her set sail successfully with her newfound experience dating me. Is that a smart rationale for keeping a relationship going? Perhaps not. But that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Maybe next time I'm in the same situation, I'll do the same thing, or something different. We'll see. Anyways, she's still recuperating in the heart department, so we may yet burgeon a friendship soon. Or not, remains to be seen. Last I heard, she definitely wanted that to be a thing, but those feelings may yet change!

My met-at-a-party friend from the last post (let's call her Angela! She's definitely earned a name at this point) and I have had quite a time since our last post. She ended up breaking up with her boyfriend because he wasn't accepting of her poly desires, and so she and I tiptoed gently into dating (since she was still only recently single at the time). Then, when school ended, she started interning in the same city I was working in for the summer! Woo! So we met up as lovers once or twice when we had time off together, but she was also with her ex, which didn't stay as just-a-friendship for long. She ended up re-catching the feels for him, and so she remade her relationship exclusive. And then when she flew back to her home country, Brazil (did I mention she's foreign exchange?), he ended up breaking up with her. She's reflected a lot on why she was in that relationship, and now she and I are talking again as lovers. It's a bit complicated to explain, but it seems her ex's effect on her was unsettling, lascivious, possessive and all that. With her and I, it's more calm, relaxed, patient, and unpossessive. So with that emotional influence out of her life, she's more able to focus on our relationship. Do I feel like a plan B? Sort of. Do I care? If there were some force that could come between us, I would think twice about us. But for now, love is madly what we are in, and I'm taking it day by day with her, until (prospectively) we can meet again. :) Do I sound naive here? I totally sound naive here. Time will tell how far that will get me!

In addition to Angela, I've also found love with a coworker I had at the summer job. Sakura! I'm calling her Sakura. Sakura, like Angela, had a boyfriend when we met. Sakura, like Angela, left her boyfriend in part because of her attraction to me, polyamory and all. Sakura, like Angela, lives far away and went home before the summer's close! In such a short few weeks, I've fallen pretty hard with Sakura, and the feelings are mutual. We work together well, pragmatically, romantically, and sexually speaking. Seeing as she, like Angela, recently left her ex, I'm taking things very slowly and cautiously. Normal people don't date girls who so recently left a relationship, and I see why. It's messy :p But it's not not working. It just adds a certain complicated dynamic to the relationship, which is thankfully temporary. The complicatedness, I mean, is temporary. If it's not temporary, then I suppose the relationship ought to be. Either way, what will happen will happen!

As a testament to how much faith I have in Angela and Sakura, I told them both about each other, and they're both so kind and sweet to each other. They've started messaging, and I hear they're getting along very well with each other. Is this the makings of a love triangle I'm a part of? I find myself telling myself sometimes it all seems too good to be true. However, I'm moving forward, taking it day by day, my bond with both the girls deepening as time goes on, and their bond together also deepening, it seems! I've tossed out the idea of sharing a home together, the three of us (or however many there may be when we are able to cross that bridge, a short few years in the future), and the response was positive. I'm not getting ahead of myself, but just the thought that this could be my future fills me with glee. I am, once again, taking it day by day, just loving who they are now and seeing us all grow bit by bit, learning about ourselves through polyamory. It also seems so strange, and magical, and beautiful, and a little scary, but we all seem to be handling it very well. I know for me, it's better than I've ever handled it yet. Communication with them has been utterly, reassuringly open. All of us being far away is an obstacle, but not one we're too daunted to overcome!

It's so weird to think I fell for Angela and Sakura so quickly yet so passionately. In the past, I would see quick feelings as a red flag, because feelings that are quick to come can be so quick to go. But this feels more open, more mature, more communicative. All 3 of us seem to be in this weird gray area between mature and youthful. It just feels... different than before. I feel more myself, and I feel like these two loves of mine are more profound than I've had up till now. Every moment of my life has culminated in who I am now and in whom I am loving now. That means I know more than I ever have, right? I feel confident overall in the way things are going.

I’ve also been reconsidering my stance on hookups. So far, I’ve had a bad taste in my mouth from sex-first relationships. They’re like candy without dinner: fun for a flash but sickening after a bit. However, is it possible to have a beneficial hookup?

As another testament to how much faith I have in my relationship(s?) with Angela and Sakura, I hooked up with a girl at a party the other weekend, and I told them both about it. Both of their reactions were priceless. Both wanted to hear more, and both were practically unfazed by it. Angela, as she put it, still feels weird because she's getting a lot of feelings that would make sense in a monogamous relationship, but she recognizes those feelings as separate from herself. She was a little disoriented by not feeling jealous she felt like like you're supposed to in monogamous relationships, but otherwise she was unjudgmental and supportive. Sakura actually smiled as I told her about it. She seemed happy I had a good time, and knew that I loved her very much and that my actions didn't alter that one bit. I feel our bonds are stronger and that I am closer to each girl with each passing day.

It's all still very fresh, and I know fresh relationships with me have a tendency to be unstable. But I feel... content, and calm, and secure with things as the way they are. And maybe they'll change and things won't move in the direction of us all being together. But right now, that seems to be a dream we all share, and I will move forward trusting that that's how things are for now, and maybe they'll change, and I'll be okay with that when and or if that happens.

Till then.....hmm :) <3
 
Hi, Hmm!
So, without further ado, hello! Call me Hmm.
As a matter of fact, it was your name that seduced me into peeking into this thread. I recently took part on another forum (for writers) where the subject came up: “Should writers include ‘hmm’ as part of dialogue, or filter it out?” I defended the posture that ‘hmm’, ‘eh’, ‘pshh!’, etc. give further flavour to dialogue and a hint to the personality of the hmmer.

So far, I’ve only read ½ a dozen comments so far (you’re not yet through with your finals), but there are already a few points that I wanted to comment on:
I spend obscene amounts of time in my own mind, pondering, dreaming, scheming, philosophizing, questioning, and other such pensive acts
Glad to read that your time is well-spent!
I write a lot of lyrics that I'm itching to turn to music.
Do you write music yourself? If so get in touch with me immediately! Ditto if you have a friend who does so.
I've a lot on my plate, as it is, alas :rolleyes:
Believe me, this is a lot better than having an empty plate.
Be proud of what you've accomplished. Always be hungry for more. But enjoy the meal, not just the more.
Back at you!
It's hard to go on dates when I'm fighting the urge to catch up on sleep! It makes me less emotionally available.
You must know about the bundling board. How would your GF/GFs feel if you said: “Listen: I’m too tired to date, too tired for sex, but I really want to spend time with you. I want to feel you close. That’s important to me. Want to revive an old custom?”? (The board/sack/separate blankets are only optional.) My guess is that some women would feel charmed at the idea.

WARNING! A GF and I once got st**ed after a tiring day and just before going to bed. The sex might or might not have been enhanced. But afterwards, she started telling me about things that were really important to her and I honestly tried to stay awake, to give her my full attention. But I fell asleep… and was woken up by a volcano erupting in the near vicinity. You know what they say: “If you do drugs, don’t bundle! If you bundle, don't do drugs!”
 
I hope that I don't come across as some older man who believes that he has all the answers that you need. If I felt that I was trying to appear such, I would kick myself up the arse... or invite you to come around and do it for me: I can't reach. :(

My activity on this forum is largely to throw out some ideas, sometimes based on guesswork, sometimes on intuition, and sometimes (as I've often remarked) just shooting in the dark. I have also been known to play the Devil's Advocate (for which services the Devil pays me but a pittance), but I try to make it clear when I do so.

STILL not read through the whole thread! Another pause along the way:
This isn't the kind of girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. Something deep in my gut just churns at the idea. It's embarrassing after how infatuated I became at the start of the summer. Granted, not head over heels, but I was mighty intrigued. But all is not lost, no?
[...]
Part of what triggered this epiphany is that I've been struggling internally with the thought of, who can I count on? It seems I have the habit of getting eagerly attracted to girls with trust issues
[...]
I know I myself struggle with trusting after all I've been through, but I don't want that difficult past to limit me from falling into a trusting love with someone I adore.
[...]
Something about being with this girl was causing major anxiety in me which I was subconsciously trying to ignore. [...] I want her to feel important and valid in my life. But how far should I bend to assuage her trust issues? Have I painted myself into a corner here?
[...]
She and I do have a connection and I feel like our bond can keep growing still. But something in my gut still tells me "no." [...] When I imagine my ideal mate, am I [...] being reasonable?
a) Young children might be reading Grimm's Fairy Tales less often than children of earlier generations. But they - AND adults - are still being moulded by a culture that spoon-feeds them the idea of “happily ever after”. A good friend of mine (he who wrote the poem in the 4th line of my signature) has a web-site called “Jimm’s Fairy Tales” which began as a showplace for his feminist adaptations of classic fairy tales. (Has since expanded.) In each case, he has [among other interesting changes] removed the “happily ever after” promise at the end, because he strongly feels that it too often leads to disappointment, despair, depression, and guilt feelings (“What did I do wrong?!”)

b) So – I agree with him on this point – the “ideal mate” is a seldom-seen, often totally imaginary beast. Nessie, the Yeti, and the ideal mate. They may well exist (I try to keep my mind open), but I haven’t yet found proof.

c) Life is full of stones to stumble over. Some of them can be used for building beautiful buildings.

d) Don’t give up on a relationship just because you’re sure that it won’t last forever. You are already aware that they help you to learn and grow.

e) Don’t deny The Other’s ability to use them to grow, herself.

f) NEVER feel superior to anybody else. (I’m not accusing you of that, just throwing another idea into the hat.)

g) If you’ve got a BSc (?) in Philosophy, you must have come across the idea of Karma. (That link for other readers, just in case.) Perhaps you keep getting involved with women [btw, a tip: careful with calling them “girls”!] with trust issues because that’s something that you need to work through.

Going for a lie-down in my cave,
The Yeti
 
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As a matter of fact, it was your name that seduced me into peeking into this thread.

Glad my chosen identity has resonated with you, sir!

So far, I’ve only read ½ a dozen comments so far (you’re not yet through with your finals), but there are already a few points that I wanted to comment on:

I appreciate you wanting to come and interact with my story! Getting a fresh perspective is good for me, because it helps me know my story is making sense to more than just myself. If you can't ask questions or offer feedback, what good is my story anyway, besides to be a big ego-stroker? is how I see it anyways.

However, it is worth noting you are responding to months-old posts as if they are in real time :)

I spend obscene amounts of time in my own mind, pondering, dreaming, scheming, philosophizing, questioning, and other such pensive acts
Glad to read that your time is well-spent!
:p

Do you write music yourself? If so get in touch with me immediately!

I do, actually! It's weird to me, thinking of linking to my music from this admittedly semi-anonymous forum account. However, I've reached a certain level of no-shame and openness where I'm not particularly concerned about people finding out more about me or who I am. I used to be far more discreet, almost trying to control how people perceive me, lest they (heaven forbid) misunderstand me! But strangers and misunderstanders welcome. As with my story, what good is my life without the opportunity to offer questions or feedback? I haven't shared this forum account with any of my current lovers, but I'm not exactly making a point of hiding it. Besides, pretty much anything I say here I am liable to say directly to a lover of mine, so there's really no groundbreaking secrets... just fun little easter eggs? ;)

How would your GF/GFs feel if you said: “Listen: I’m too tired to date, too tired for sex, but I really want to spend time with you. I want to feel you close.

That is a good and thought-provoking question. I feel like I would want to avoid that, because I would feel self-conscious of my lethargy. I would want to give them better than that version of myself. I would want to rearrange my life so I don't have to feel tired-out when I am with them. I mean, sometimes I'm really not as in the mood for sex, but usually for me, I take that as a sign that something in my life ought to be rearranged so I'm not feeling limp. Not to say every encounter has to be a sexual one, but if I'm feeling drained to the point where it's not an option, I feel like something would have to change. I can be better than that to those in my presence, I believe.

I hope that I don't come across as some older man who believes that he has all the answers that you need.

I think you bring a new, different perspective. I take your advice as it comes and digest it. You don't seem pompous at all :)

My activity on this forum is largely to throw out some ideas, sometimes based on guesswork, sometimes on intuition, and sometimes (as I've often remarked) just shooting in the dark.

And I take it for what it's worth!

I have also been known to play the Devil's Advocate (for which services the Devil pays me but a pittance), but I try to make it clear when I do so.

I've been known to do the same, at times. Again I say, what good is a position if it cannot go reasonably challenged, questioned, etc.?

Young children... - AND adults - are still being moulded by a culture that spoon-feeds them the idea of “happily ever after”. A good friend of mine ... strongly feels that [the "happily ever after" promise] too often leads to disappointment, despair, depression, and guilt feelings (“What did I do wrong?!”)

b) So – I agree with him on this point – the “ideal mate” is a seldom-seen, often totally imaginary beast. Nessie, the Yeti, and the ideal mate.

I think you very well hit a nail on the head with that societal idea. After my big breakup, I became aware of just how much our conceptions of what a lover should be are molded by media. This gushy, I'll-love-you-till-the-end-of-forever romance bullshit I hear in damn near every pop love song really grinds my gears. I try to keep my expectations down-to-Earth, but nonetheless I won't deny that I have expectations to begin with.

With my two current lovers, Angela and Sakura, we've talked extensively on what we want for the future. I have dreams of a house with both of them getting along, being sister wives, and all that jazz. Of course, I recognize my fantasy here needs to mold to reality, since it would be foolish to think I can keep hammering on the world to make it fit my fantasy. (I was that foolish once, but only once, never again.) Both of them actually said they are not totally sure about wanting that same dream. Yet, both are keen on the idea of crossing paths later in our lives. Sakura has said she's seriously considering, after graduation in a year and some change, coming up to move in with me. In my earlier naïveté, I would have wanted to jump the gun and think, "yep, this is it! I've found someone who'll go along with my crazy ideas!" and well, that's where I set myself up for failure, in a way getting trapped in that "happily ever after" fallacy. Now, my mindset is more in the, "okay, so as things stand right now, our desires and dreams match up. After time's passing, when we cross that bridge, I'll see whether she'll make that jump for me. (Love is more than just a feeling you have for someone, as I see it. Love is about what you'll do for that person, because without action, without muscle, love is just a wisp in the wind, and I don't want to live for that kind of love that can disappear like an ember that's left the fireplace... which reminds me of an idea I got from a certain TED Talk.) And then after that, we'll see what we can make of a life together, if we come to that point." And step by step, I'll keep seeing where our decisions take us and whether those decisions act in harmony or distinctly. I prefer the ugly truth to a pretty lie, because I've seen where pretty lies take me (nowhere pretty, when the truth comes crashing in for a rude awakening). In other words, I'm not looking for a "happily ever after" right now, but I am looking for a "happily after, and then a happily after that, and then a happily after that..." taking things step by step as they come. I keep looking to see how I can set myself up for the greatest happiness, and share it the most naturally with those I love. That's my ongoing balancing act right now as I can best put it into words. Step by step, we'll see what more I can come up with as I move forward :)

As for the rest of your post, I believe the lessons I've learned from my adventures don't particularly deviate from yours!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me!

P.S. - One last addendum... *BA in Psychology :)
 
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Today has been an interesting day full of new challenges. Letting go has been the moral of the story, as if I'm pushing the pedal to the clutch of my mind (I don't practically drive stick, but I think I've got the theory down).

When it rains, it pours, and it seems sad things come in threes (or fours?), with exes and lovers alike. Not bad things, mind you! Certainly something of a wave of melancholy, but I feel very zen and at peace about it, as if things were all taking their natural course.

I bumped into recent ex Maria a couple of times in the past few weeks, and it was friendly, cordial. In our most recent meeting, however, I could see the sadness in her eyes as she missed me start to creep in. I messaged her later asking if she was okay and if she needed more space to process our gradual shifting from romance to friendship, and she said she did. And I was glad I got the chance to see her again, and glad I was in a place where I could give her all the time and space she needs to recuperate herself. It felt like a natural, valid point to be on a path towards better, stronger bonds between us.

My best friend, whom I mentioned briefly in post #21 in this thread (I can't believe I haven't talked about her more!) and I were talking the other day were talking... well, I suppose some backstory is necessary. In my heydey of heartbreak and emotional instability wayyyy back when I started down the path of polyness, I met her online, on Omegle (she has always been long-distance, unlike my current lovers, with whom I began in person). We shared a brief yet passionate sexual flame, but she wanted something monogamous, so it was with her that I learned a lot about letting go and respecting boundaries (It took me a lot longer than I'm proud of to take "no" for an answer). In any case, we're now casual and comfortable discussing our sexualities together, and she finds herself frequently horny and disappointed by the men in her area. I smoothly and unassumingly asked if she wanted me to call and fool around, which prompted her to explain how her mind works sexually differently from mine and to explain why she didn't want to play with me. I would have taken just no for an answer just fine! but she felt the need to explain herself to me, as if to allay my disappointment. She said she felt sorry she couldn't give me what I wanted, but I was content with her being who she was to me and not feeling like she has to go out of her way to appease my appetites. I told her not to feel sorry for me, and reassured her I was unbothered by being turned down.

Sakura asked to talk today on the phone, and I could sense she had something deep on her mind to discuss. Sure enough, she had been spending a lot of time with her recent ex, and they had gotten a chance to really catch up and talk about their recent breakup. It clear by how much she talks about him that he still holds a special place in her heart, and up until now, that hasn't stopped her from being emotionally available to me. However, after the weekend really getting back into the groove of her home life and reconnecting with friends old and new, especially her ex, she realized she needed time to mourn their romance, just like Maria needed with ours. And I was more than happy to oblige, and I was very grateful Sakura felt she could confide all of this in me. She said she was sorry about it (as women in our society seem to be wont to do, hmm?), and it seems my recent catchphrase has been "I don't want you to feel sorry for me" or just plain "don't feel sorry for me", said with a reassuring tone, of course. In any case, she felt she needed space, and I was thankfully in a lucid mindset when she called. As our sexual connection is stronger than most of any I've experienced, for the past few weeks I've been back-and-forth within myself trying not to crave her, and I think after some mental reshuffling, now I have finally reached that point of selfless loving. I am very proud of myself for that, but it is not without some sadness that I let her go. I feel, as before, that it is a natural point to be, and that the future for us will resume when she is ready. And if it doesn't, I'm content with it, as things are undoubtedly unfolding as they should.

Angela, on the same day, had a similar emotional reaction. She, like Sakura, has made a habit out of staying in touch with her recent ex. I was wary about that at first, but Sakura was reassuring me that she understood they could never be lovers again, and Angela has been developing the same understanding for herself. Either way, it is still a bit of a scary thought, that they may yet be influenced to fall for someone else in a way that I can't share. An ex with an intoxicating presence is a recipe for disaster, and for Maria, Sakura, and Angela alike, it's taking plenty of time for them to sort out their feelings, and I am happy to give them all the time they need.

Anyways, back to Angela. She had been close to her ex especially for the past week or two, as his family pet died, which she was close to. Also this past weekend, she went to a wedding of a close friend. The combination of these two events, as she explained it, confused her emotionally. She has been talking a lot lately about how monogamous cultural values are natural for her to default to, and she has been very sharp to point them out as if they are separate from her. Still, they affect her, and with the double-whammy of this weekend, she was definitely tested. And she was scared to confide in me, because sharing dark feelings can drive people away, as I'm not unfamiliar with myself. Still, it was a moment for us to grow closer, me reassuring her that such feelings wouldn't phase me. We talked about how unlearning old habits takes time, and even I struggle with it, even though I feel like I handled this weekend's challenges with exceptional poise and finesse.

All in all, accepting that these feelings take time to develop, and that if Angela and Sakura want to maintain a romance with me, they will put in the mental ambition to make it happen, and if they don't, then they will be doing what they will want, and I will support that for them. I am understanding that they, with their recent breakups (Neither situation is perfect, but they are workable... they have both been great to me, even despite their struggles today. I am happy to give them the time they need to sort their skeletons.), need time to process their feelings, and they will come back to me refreshed and with a clearer perspective on who they are and what they want. I have high hopes that our romances may yet burn bright and strong when the dust settles...but I do say this every time before things go wrong, don't I? :p I guess it's just my resilient optimism keeping me thinking "okay, I've got it this time". I'm just loving by the seat of my pants, taking it as it comes and rolling with the punches, more or less figuring it out as I go, although with all my relationships under my belt, I'm not so much flying blind anymore. I really am loving these girls better than I've ever loved before. Letting go with a gentle hand isn't the easiest route to take, but I'm finding the rewards to be outstanding and well worth the discipline. If you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it was meant to be; if it doesn't, then it never was.

Ever ponderously,
Hmm...
 
There's a bit I read in a novel about how along the path of life going up and down, when you're in the valleys, it feels like you can't see very far ahead of you and it can disorient you and make you feel lost. However, atop the hills of life, you can see far, even to the top of the next hill and beyond. Right now, things feel like that. I feel on top of my momentary hill, plotting and planning my trajectory to the hills ahead.

Sounds like you've risen to a new plane of experience (while still having some puzzles to solve in life). Hang in there with the school stuff and whatnot.

kdt26417 told me this a solid 8 months ago, when I had a lot more of a mountain to climb to get to where I am now, both within myself and in actuality.

But enough vague, poetic metaphors :D

Sakura took her time to sort through her emotions as I knew she needed to. She was overwhelmed with getting over her ex, schoolwork, and having a relationship with me. She did her reflecting, and came back, stronger and more open-hearted than ever. We've had more effortless conversations, getting deeper into who we are, and it feels natural again. I feel more secure than ever with her presence in my life; she doesn't seem as troubled, and I suspect that this particular burst of confusion is behind us (although I can't speak for potential future, deeper neuroses to uncover, he said cautiously but optimistically :) )

Angela and I have been closer than ever as well. She's said sometimes how old, monogamous ways of thinking pop up in her head, but she recognizes all on her own how illusory they are and dispels them. She hardly ever seems insecure though, which impresses the hell out of me. She struggled for a bit when I told her my sexual chemistry with Sakura is stronger, but I reassured her: your presence in my life is not made important by comparison. You add to my life, no matter how you spin it. There is a net gain of beauty and love that you bring, and that our sexuality is more vanilla together doesn't diminish anything. Au contraire!

Angela and Sakura have also been messaging each other, which is exciting for me! I love that my loves can feel so open and free that there is open communication all around. As for whether this will end up being just a friendship for them or perhaps something more, I can't deny that also very exciting thought has crossed my mind. Either way, they are both beautifully open people, neither of whom being one to turn down a reason to smile and be friendly to a friendly face. Neither gets possessive at all, not even a little bit with me, and it makes me so happy to be fortunate enough to bask in such a supportive environment (virtual as it is, for the time being).

Angela and I have talked about our future and we agree, we want to be married (openly, of course) and start a family. Sakura doesn't know what she wants for the future, but she knows she's not ready now to make such a commitment, and I'm totally okay with that. I know she's at the young point in her life where she will learn a lot about herself, and by being loving and unpossessive, I know I will make the best impression possible on her life. (Before, I struggled more with that, wanting her so bad because of the strong chemistry, but I feel now more at peace with her being her.) If after all the loving we share, she doesn't eventually decide to stay with me, then it just wasn't meant to be, and that's okay :D

I'm sure as hell if we don't stay lovers till the end, we will be close for life, which is not a state of affairs I've had with many loves. Maria and the best friend I mentioned from before are just about the only two old flames that still are in my life, and with Maria, that bond is still setting slowly. Still, the way things are now, and the way I feel about myself and about my life, I just feel confident that things are going to be okay on and on and on. I feel much more myself. Stable, calm, strong, centered, confident, like an iron bar wrapped in cotton.

So here I perch, atop my hill, level-headed and enjoying the fruits of two excellent relationships, and despite the tyranny of distance, we are all actively loving and making plans for visits in the near future. Whatever the distant future may yet bring, things right now seem pretty damn okay, and things in the near future seem to be fairly easy pickings as well.

Right now, I'm just working on establishing myself financially so all the love I dream of is something I can achieve, earn like only someone who owns property and holds influence over even a little dominion can do. I dream yet of creating my own, loving space (of course, not solely my own) where a busy hive of loves and lovers can coexist happily and supportively. And that's the news for today. Working towards that, however, is a simple path forwards to follow. Love, on the other hand, is a pile of chips I've tossed up in the air, and only time can tell where they will fall. Either way, I feel a glorious abundance of love: if these chips don't land so favorably, I am comfortably sure there may be more chips yet to toss. Of course, I would say that, being happily atop my hill!

Anyways,
Until then,
Hmm
 
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It’s the best of times; it’s the worst of times.

In my last post, I mentioned how life contains hills and valleys. In this moment, I am definitely in a valley, but a strangely optimistic one. I am both under a lot of stress and in front of a lot of achievement. I have been feeling alternately/simultaneously happy and unhappy all week with very little middle ground. This may be a valley, but it’s the furthest I’ve come yet. I’m both proud of myself for the way things are going and dissatisfied with how things are going.

I’ve had to replace 2 cars in 3 months. It’s unfortunately very difficult to get a car when you don’t have a car! I made it happen, though, and my finances will be slow to recover. I’ve also been having to deal with some (in my personal view) immature roommates, which further exacerbates that stress. At the same time, both relationships with Sakura and Angela seem to have gone down a few notches. It’s been a lot right now to handle on all fronts.

That said, I feel like I’m still pretty sturdy on my rails. It’s a hell to go through, but I’m going through it, and keeping my wits about me, as well. I feel miserable, but at the same time, I feel able to store that misery away in a box and be happy and outgoing. In some ways, the stress actually makes me more outgoing! How paradoxical. Being a human is a confusing deal. I’m dealing with it though, and not letting it get me down… which in itself feels weird. It doesn’t feel good, but it feels right. It feels like I’m doing the right thing and handling things the right way. Anyways…

Angela and I’s relationship seemed to be going swimmingly. We were in love, talking about marriage, and making plans to vacation together next month. And then suddenly she gets cold feet because of home stress, and then she pulls away because she learned a piece of my sexuality that she wasn’t able to stomach. And just like that, I learned quick how well I could trust her affections. Easy come, easy go. I feel both bothered about it, but zen about it. I feel like a kite in an ugly windstorm, but I’m not caught up by the ugly wind, I’m just aware of it. It’s blowing against me and ruffling my flaps, but not actually pulling at my being. It’s a weirdly detached feeling, I think. I think this is a good reaction to an unfortunate situation. I’m acknowledging it but not letting it get me down.

Sakura has been getting closer with her ex. She kept reassuring me it was platonic, but I could tell it was getting more and more serious. We eventually talked about it, and her future plans, however amorphous, seem to have swayed more in his direction. He, being mono, wouldn’t be sharing her. That said, she never promised to be anything serious with me… and I knew that. Still, my feelings for her run stronger than I’ve felt with anyone ever since my first love. I’ve fallen in love numerous times, but I haven’t craved anyone like this in years. So coming to terms my place in her life as being not serious has been very challenging, more challenging than I was expecting. Loving her, however, has no doubt been a growing experience for me; I know I’ve become a better person and a better lover for knowing her. It feels like a sharp rejection sometimes, but I just acknowledge the feeling and move on. They’re driven by old insecurities that I’ve vowed to leave behind. I chose the path of polyamory knowing it would be challenging, and that’s exactly why I chose it, because I knew it would make me a better person. Sakura even told me that, when she asked if I would be in her life and if I could accept her plans as they are, and I told her yes, that she thought I was great and wonderful... even though I'm her love, but not the object/subject of her bigger plans? It makes sense, but it also feels new at the same, strange time. I told her as long as she’s following where her heart is taking her in the moment, I ask not for her to change to suit me, but I challenge myself to change to adapt more to her. She said she loves me, and I know she does. Our bond is certainly a strong one. That said, I’m being careful not to be too accommodating; I know my kindness can be taken advantage of, and I’m keen on stopping that before it begins without hesitation. She’s given me no cause to doubt her honesty or kindness, but I’ve been hurt enough times before to be wary about it. I’m trying to trust without being too trusting. Who knows what surprises will turn our way yet?

On another less dreary note, I’ve started dating a married woman, whose wife and she are both close friends of my friends. I’ve gotten rather used to feeling confident in my life, and then I face Sakura, with a potency of desire I’m unfamiliar with feeling, and then also with dating a woman in a well-established prior relationship, which is a situation I’m unfamiliar with being in (and so is she and her wife!). It makes me realize despite how far I’ve come how much further I have yet to go before I really, really know what I’m doing and have confidence not only in myself but in my inalienable experiences. That, and before i have confidence in my lovers, friends, and peers. I’ve seen a lot of loves come, and almost as many loves go. Through time and time again, the only person I’ve known I can count on beyond all other measures is myself. And so I keep trekking and trodding…

~~Hmm <3
 
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A New Chapter

Hi all! Welcome to my journal of my foray into poly.

It's been a while since my last update of my poly adventures, and it's safe to say enough has changed in my perspective and life that I'm in a new chapter of my life compared to before. Before, I was finding my sea legs, trying to grow into a poly-friendly mindset, looking for healthy, compatible partners, and struggling to find my way. Now, although the way still has its struggles, I find myself living every day with a newfound sense of confidence, comfort (both self- and other-directed), and cameraderie. Yesterday's bigger-than-me struggles now feel like pebbles beneath my feet!

The details…

Sakura's heart compass has turned away from me, months ago, actually. She started a friends-with-benefits relationship with her ex, and was utterly torn between wanting him more than anything and wanting to focus on her schoolwork. In any case, the ex and she weren't on the same path, and as it seems, neither were we! She, being an impressively strong, driven woman, wanted to devote herself to school as it would lead into her career path. Me, being an impressedly admiring man, was happy to let her go. The goodbye was strange but full of closure for us. She's made her exeunt from my life, to return at her leisure. And so the rocket launches :)

Married woman and I fizzled out quick. Easy come, easy go!

Angela and I are running stronger than ever. She departed after getting cold feet on our plans to find a plane ticket together and then feeling unable to accept a more deviant side of my sexuality. However, it turns out she just needed time to learn to accept it. We've talked plenty since, both about her ability to accept the crazier sides of my deviance and about her tendencies to get cold feet, even if not often, but it's still is a topic I find important to emphasize with her. We've been building and rebuilding trust, and it's safe to say, I've never trusted anyone's presence in my life as much as I've trusted hers. I've never had a great time trusting people, not even myself, but this thread of poly is innately wound with threads of confidence, of self-comfort, and of growth for me, and the further I go down the thread, the better I get at tying it together tightly.

On the topic of trust, my (long-distance, from Omegle) best friend of years in the making and I had a falling out. Communication broke down, and someone whose presence I had counted on suddenly vanished in an emotional shroud. Thankfully, my zen, stoic mindset as well as my growing confidence softened the blow and kept me moving in stride.

Maria and I seem to have developed into a delightful “comet” relationship. Our friendship feels more secure, albeit infrequent, and so far, the trend of our recent meetings have been sexual in practice as well. We both seem content and even happy about this, and I know not to expect it to stay this way. No, I definitely don't take the sexuality we are sharing intermittently for granted, and I know certainly once she may find a lover, she'll likely turn to them exclusively. Still, we act on what we feel, but not impulsively, but calmly when we're together. It just feels like a smooth ride together and that the way things are going is all right. It feels like a mutually supportive, quiet relationship. I look forward to seeing her again :)

Just the last few days in May, a new challenger approaches! And oh boy, is she a challenger ;p let's call her Edith. She's a real wild card and a paradox. Without a doubt the chemistry is the strongest I’ve ever known. Sexually, intellectually, artistically, everything seems to click really well between us. The catch? She’s long distance until December. Another catch? She's never even had a single thought about poly until me and she's clearly very conflicted about that. She's also never felt fully, deeply loved before, so she's clearly disoriented by three things: the idea of poly (sharing partners), insecurity (feeling like enough, feeling loved, feeling okay (all of which, trying out poly with me has been testing)), and her first-ever relationship with a girl. Oh, did I mention? Edith and Angela started talking and fell in love just about as fast as she and I did. Oh overwhelming love life! I think I've hit a comfortable level of saturation at this point for now, mostly.

Angela also found, much to her surprise, another partner of her own to enjoy physicality with. So Angela loves her new boytoy, Edith, and me; Edith loves Angela and me; and I love (primarily) Edith and Angela. I like to call it a love triangle with tassles.

At first, when Angela started getting more intimate with her new boy and my first paramour, I started feeling jealousy for the first time in years. I'll admit, I was a little rusty at first! But I rose to the occasion and found comfort and security in this new arrangement (not without a little surge of adrenaline ;) ). I now feel strong compersion for the both of them.

Kind of ironically, I also feel a little jealous when Edith and Angela talk about things without me. It's so silly! But that's just what I feel. I've found a new, powerful appreciation for jealousy as a feeling. I love that I get the privilege of feeling some jealousy for both of them, and I love them so much for bringing me such a broad, total palate of feelings to feel. Poly becomes more and more exciting a journey as I go.

Recently, by a strange cosmic coincidence, on the same recent night, both Angela and Edith had a little fun. For the first time since she flew away to her home country, Angela had sex… with (let's call him) Mangela (I'm being mean, aren't I? It's out of love, so :p ). On the same night (o fortuna!), Edith (demisexual yet sexual and impulsive) hooked up with a friend. What I found really funny is now that I was comfortable with Mangela, I felt no jealousy anymore… but I did feel envy that he got to sleep with my Angela! Meanwhile, I did feel jealousy with Edith, since I was not used to or even expecting her to be sexual with anyone else so quickly. All at once, jealousy and envy from two different, simultaneous encounters. What the hell XD just further reinforcing the idea my love life is a sitcom. I feel really good about it all. I mean, jealousy and envy aren't in themselves pleasant feelings, but knowing that they are just feelings and nothing I can't handle (and certainly not valid signs of disaster), I felt more than ever that things were okay going at the pace they were going.

I've bought a plane ticket to visit Angela in December, and in August, Edith will be a long yet manageable drive from me. After December, Edith will actually be moving to my zip code! The plans after that are to move abroad, Angela and I, a couple of years down the line. Will Edith stay a stable, intimate part of our lives? Will there be any new arrivals into our polycule? How will Mangela feel about the prospect of meeting me as I visit their country? All of this and more will be addressed on the next episode of Poly with Hmm…

Happy belated yesterday to everyone! &#55357;&#56842;
 
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A Newer Chapter Yet! (Part 1)

(Long-winded as I am, this public diary entry comes in two parts. If you're reading this still..sorry? Maybe? Haha.)

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Again.

Oh, where to begin!?

Will Edith stay a stable, intimate part of our lives?

Ha, no!

It has been another one of those periods with a lot of ups and downs, some very big lessons learned, and progress made, even if it's not pleasant progress.

What I've learned is what I've been learning essentially my whole path with poly, which I've been on for the past 4 years and some change now: how do I relate to people? Who am I, in context with other people? How do I best connect with other people while still maintaining my self-identity?

As my namesake suggests, I've been learning about the kind of lover I am and making sense of that with how things have built and how things have fallen apart. I am a very socratic individual, seeking truth and beauty, seeking excellence, seeking knowledge. And yet, at the same time, I want to be zen, be laissez-faire, be natural. I want to learn, I want to understand. And that involves a certain amount of diligence, of vigilance, of rigor. I am both a driving force and a force that desires to be driven. I am open to change and open to changing. I am stubborn, but certainly able to be convinced to change when approached in the right way about it. I am an individual, and with individuality comes loneliness. Or does it?

The newer end of my recently established unicorn triad has had an extra shaky time bridging to both of us. She fell in love hard and fast, and when her insecurities and inexperience began to show, it fell apart rather spectacularly. First, Edith and Angela began to fight. Edith seemed to be pointing fingers. Angela said she was overwhelmed with two boyfriends and one girlfriend and needed space. Some drama to sort out, some different perspectives to reconcile. Well, here goes nothing, right? What better way to figure out the complicatedness of triad relationships than by experience? So, my triad turned into a vee, with Angela on one end and Edith on the other. Insecurities, I'm sure, in both girls, played a part. Angela is a very quiet, gentle soul, while Edith is more prone to expressing intense emotion... well, intensely. As I saw more and more of Edith's emotions, I saw how she seemed rife with insecurities that even I couldn't reasonably bridge with. I love her, but we haven't been talking for a few weeks. I love her, but right now, I really don't like how she's been acting. She definitely needs space, therapy, and time to sort herself out before attempting to connect again.

If anybody ever tries to tell me how flashy-wonderful-incredible it must be to be in love with two women, I can now say knowingly the worst of what it can be like. To be a little playfully dramatic, I could look them square in the eyes and ask rhetorically, "Have you ever had two women you were madly in love with break up with you... on the same day?" Because I can now say yes.

On the one hand, yay experience! Growth! New lessons learned! New hardships, handled with new levels of aplomb and tact!

On the other hand... holy shit, this sucks!

Angela is the second woman I ever believed I would "marry," which, in this new, poly context (the first woman I thought I would marry was also my last monogamous relationship) means building a life together with, involving raising kids, maintaining a house, welcoming other lovers. All that jazz, finding a way, whatever works, and integrating it as it comes. Of course, if Angela had the same qualities as I described in myself in the opening paragraphs of this update, it would be so simple. It is not so simple.

It read like a typical breakup script (the idea of relationship scripts being something I apparently was aware of while she was not as much so...). "It's over, I can't do this anymore:" at first, I took it in stride and with glee. She's revealing something personal, something raw, something scary to me! We can work through this! And as more of reality sunk in, more of my fears and insecurities took control of my optimism. Many of them buried since my first "fiancee" breakup. Trust given, trust broken. But how broken? How does one break something intangible? A lot of feelings, most not pleasant, came up. It's a real test of one's character, let me tell you, and a mindfuck, I felt lonely, like the intimacy had gone... but the intimacy was never really there; it was improving, but always missing something, and now it had just come to the surface how distant we really were, philosophically. It's interesting how now, our understanding of each other is at its fullest yet, yet with that comes fresh feelings of loneliness. How the feeling of loneliness can actually arrive far past actual loneiness. That it was an online relationship at the time certainly helped the mindfuckery none. The way I put it to myself is, however, measuring difficulty: it was a more difficult breakup than my first fiancee breakup, but my ability to handle it, to cope with it, to understand it was also so far improved, that it was easier. About a month has passed, and I have a much, much better view of it all: of our relationship, of her, of me. Of how her youth and inexperience and circumstances in life have painted her as not ready for independent, adult relationships, poly or otherwise. Of how she made promises for her future, for herself, for her life, for her firstborn, and didn't know how to communicate or confront the pressure that put on herself. Of how I, intentionally and not, put pressure and expectations on her. A lot of things. Our communication was not as excellent as I had thought. We were rather on different pages. We're still on different pages, but at least now I'm aware of how...

Long story short, we are no longer lovers, but still love each other. Her feelings that she doesn't completely understand or know how to cope with are definitely taking a toll on her. Even though she was drawn to poly for quite a while, I had been doing it years longer than she had. From having that experience, and being the obsessively socratic truthseeker that I am, I swallowed the hard truths about our shift in relationship status and my ability to trust her communication skills and pressed on. It wasn't an easy pill to swallow, but I've prepared myself to handle anything, even the woman I trusted and counted on more than anyone in the world suddenly pulling back from me, reneging all promises. It had happened before, after all.

However, it is still a large, dark cloud with some very bright silver linings. Unlike my first fiancee breakup, in which I was cluelessly in over my head, my far-improved aplomb has allowed me to maintain some level of trust from her. Her boyfriend, bless his soul, has been, very shockingly in a lot of ways, handling this exceptionally well, despite being the least experienced lover of the three of us. My tickets to fly to their country this December are nonrefundable, and I figured, with or without their presence, I'd still go and have a blast of a time. Thankfully, Angela's friends and boyfriend have all been exceptionally welcoming of me, and I am looking forward to meeting them all and making them friends of my own. With Angela, my role has shifted from lover/fiancee to unexpectant, patient caregiver, understanding her mental health has suffered and choosing, instead of holding anything against her, to being supportive of her, seeing that she could only benefit from it. Her boyfriend has shown only signs of welcoming towards me, and I've been careful to repeat none of the mistakes I made that pushed my first love away from me during our breakup 4 years ago.

So, easy come, easy go. One 3-month relationship off the stove, and another year-and-some-change long relationship, and my most serious one to date, as well, sent to the back burner. And I feel... capable. Strong. I know I am better than I ever have been, but it doesn't feel particularly fun. But I know the difference between feeling okay and being okay. I am okay. And now, most days, I feel okay too. Although I don't feel my best, I know I am, so far, at my best.

Edith, in the short time I've known her, has challenged a lot of how I look at myself as a lover. Despite what I perceive as excessive sensitivity (which I partly perceive this way because I used to be the same way, until I decided I could be more stolid and self-assured, and worked on myself to be that way), she helped me to see my relationships with more forgiveness, with more sensitivity, with gentler expectations. I think it is because of her that I became very sentimental and sorrier for the girls I have hurt along the way.

So, it became a very strange time for me. I, for the first time in years, had a constructive conversation with my first love, first fiancee, first heartbreak. It was a small victory, but it felt very big, since I felt I would probably never talk to her again. It was one conversation that began and ended rather definitively, but at least now, her last memory of me was me being respectful, rather than being pushy and unstable.

On the topic of trust, my (long-distance, from Omegle) best friend of years in the making and I had a falling out. Communication broke down, and someone whose presence I had counted on suddenly vanished in an emotional shroud. Thankfully, my zen, stoic mindset as well as my growing confidence softened the blow and kept me moving in stride.

I also, on a whim, reached out to this^ ex-lover of mine, and to my surprise, also found myself in a healthy, rekindled conversation. Things are still not back to best friend status, but we're certainly back from "nothing" status.
 
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A Newer Chapter Yet! (Part 2)

As well, Sakura returned from the blue. We have been talking more, again, and promised each other to be less involved than we were when we were talking before. Apparently, I was being a lot more forward than I remember, to a creepy and pushy degree. Thankfully, she's forgiven me, and understood that it was a state of being that I needed time to grow out of. We still love each other, and thankfully, I've been learning and growing as I do. I got a looooot of feelings from Sakura, and I guess it made me handle myself more than just a little bit stupider with her. However, that has taught me what it's like to have big feelings, and how important it is to handle them just as well as I handle small ones. I feel more stable, more myself, more who I want to be. I am a caretaker. I am a selfless man. I am an iron bar wrapped in cotton. I am definitely growing a lot, both in spite of and because of the pain the path has brought me. I am reaching new levels within myself, and am very proud, while also seeing much room to grow and improve yet.

All the same, new exes, out, old exes, in, my God, what a sentimental, feelingsy time it has been!

However, all the feelings have proven to provide a fantastic time to ponder and reflect on who I am and who I have been and how I have treated the people I love most. How I handle feelings, and how I need to handle feelings to be the best man I can be to myself and to those I care most about outside myself. Paradoxically, having an overwhelming experience of feelings helped me calm my heart more and understand how I needed to change.

On the upside of it all, there is a friend I've had with benefits that has blossomed into something modest yet sweet. She's young, inexperienced (and getting experience, for sure), and a student. Sexually, she's just looking for no-pressure connections, having fun, although if she finds a guy she feeling a strong enough connection to, she'll try to boyfriend him. She's poly without thinking about it, and found a poly boyfriend over the summer, but now she's single... and certainly mingling. She's honest with me about who she is, and how she's feeling, which is a huge plus for me. Her feelings toward me are casual and friendly. She's still figuring out what she wants from love and from sex, but enjoying it as it comes. She's not thinking about it as intensely as I am, but we still have enlightening talks about her past and how it affects who she is. Still, she is very young, so I don't expect a lot out of it. However, with my two recent breakups, she's the only sexual, albeit infrequent, relationship I have. It's been rather nice. And because of my recent two breakups, I feel like I've become more humbled as a result, and looking more to just appreciate what I have and fill in the blanks more of what other people are looking for instead of expecting them to be more of what I want. It's a double-edged sword in that I feel more fluid, more flexible, more giving, yet I know that I am not getting as much from relationships as I know I deserve. A strange place to be in, for certain. But she is a lovely friend, and the sex is good. It's an interesting intimate something, and certainly a positive result of poly is my relationship with her. We just are who we are, connecting in a way that works for us, that makes sense to us. It's a modest, quiet kind of love, casual in its own way. I especially like the honest, open way she and I interact. Patience pays off :)

My libido overall has been far decreased, however. I am in love with multiple, wonderful woman (putting the "poly" in "polyamory" for certain...), but also realizing the stark difference between polyamory and polysexuality, which is certainly a desire I have that started me on this path in the first place. I love to love and love to give, but also love to receive. Yet, I can't control when I receive, only when I give. So I will keep giving and doing what I can to find my way to giving and receiving as I hope and dream I someday will. That's my best understanding of what I must do now to be the best version of me and approach the best version of the life I want to lead.

So then, the tl;dr of it all -- my relationship with Sakura is now an uncertain friendship, where I am being as patient and supportive of her mental health as I never knew I could muster (and couldn't have learned to muster without this trying experience), Edith is on hold while she hopefully grows, calms, and gets therapy (I hope to let her back in if and when she can find a healthier baseline and more respectful, cooperative communication skills), Sakura and I are talking her and there, happy with our new normal of casual friendship, Maria is a very busy comet I only briefly talked to the other day (but it was nice), I have a young hookup I see sometimes and talk to casually about us, and that's the gist of it all. Not my favorite point in my poly adventures, but definitely a positive step from what came before :)

Heavy steps learning this dance, advancing with my metamatter lance,
Hmm...... <3
 
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