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...and why not for hubbies, too!
I read the 'poly and military' thread, which was nice and answered some of my questions of being out in the force. However, I've spied there are a few people here involved with (ex-) Army people. From the viewpoint of a secondary, I have a few questions; 1) How do you prevent yourself from going completely apeshit mad with worry when your sweetie hasn't answered in a few days and not automatically think they have been killed/wounded/captured? Does it get better with time? 2) I completely support my partner in doing what they have to do and what they do best, but I do feel resentment when I think that they could be pursuing a civil career and spending time cultivating relationships with their family at home instead. It's an irrational but a strong feeling nevertheless. 3) As a new secondary, I feel I'm taking away too much energy from the more established relationship. With the little time available they have, I feel I'm stealing more than my fair share. I know micromanaging my partner's other relationships isn't included in my job description, but with the added difficulties deployment puts on a relationship, I feel I might be unhealthily filling a void that is created by distance in the primary relationship. Any input from people who've experienced either side of being in the force would be greatly appreciated.
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Me: bi female in my twenties Dating: Moonlightrunner Metamour: Windflower |
#2
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I've been lurking around these forums for a couple of weeks now and I have been trying to keep from posting, however your post intrigued me and compelled me to post in regards to the questions you've asked.
1) It never gets easy. My wife and I are both in the Air Force and we have gone on back to back deployments for the past two years. I deployed, came back for a couple months, then she deployed for 6 months, came back for 3 months, and here I am, in Iraq again, deployed again. There are times where I can't tell her what is going on, and there are times where I cant even get to a computer or anything to contact her and just let her know that my love for her grows stronger every day. The only thing that helps with this is knowing that regardless of whether they are dead or alive, that they are doing it because they care and because they love you. I see that you are listed from Finland, and while you might not be in the U.S., it still applies as these attacks are world-wide in terms of what I believe we are trying to prevent. 2) This question is valid and to be completely honest, after this deployment, I am considering asking for early-out of the military. I have devoted 8 years of my life to this and I have had about enough of it. Constantly being away from family and friends, even being on this deployment I have missed out on several months of my precious wife's life that I will never get back. I dont care if it does mean a pay cut and a possible long wait for a job, I want to be there with her. However, the one thing that is preventing me from getting out, is the current state of the economy and the harships that could follow me getting out of the military and the lack of income is rather scary. I have always been financially responsible and to this day, I have zero debt other than my house. That is a lot to say for someone that has been on their own since 18, and I am now 25. Not tooting my own horn, but I know several others that went straight to college after High School and are now in debt city, with a bachelors degree, and are working at Vons back at home. What may be an insecurity to you, could be one of the world's largest fears for the person that is in the military. Take me for example, I have no knowledge of anything else in my Adult life other than the Military. In my situation, the known > unknown. However, my wants and desires to be with my wife and be a major part of her life, outweigh my fears and I will likely act on it when I get home. 3) My wife and I are now talking about Polyamory and possibly introducing a third to our relationship {her amazingly gorgeous and caring, loving, dead honest to the point of where you want to slap yourself for her being that honest, best friend}. However, we have to work on ourselves first. These deployments have put us apart from eachother for a long period of time. We have no doubt grown a bit apart. While we still love eachother very much, we have grown as individuals in opposite directions rather than together. I would suggest that you give them time, and make yourself available to them whenever they have time. As you are the secondary, just be supportive. Let them know that you are there for them if they need you, but make sure that your needs are met as well. If they aren't able to meet them, I would suggest backing off and taking more of a friend role than a third in the triad. Hope this helps at least a little bit. Please, ask any questions that you will and I will be sure to be as honest as I can from my perspective as the male in the situation. Staying at home is always harder than actually deploying, I can guarantee you that one ![]() |
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Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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#4
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Thank you for such thoughtful and heartfelt responses!
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My metamour is ex-Army herself, so this is something their relationship is pretty much based on. I know some of the difficulties they are facing which are not all related to me, and admire her beyond belief for the strength of her character.
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Me: bi female in my twenties Dating: Moonlightrunner Metamour: Windflower |
#6
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__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties Dating: Moonlightrunner Metamour: Windflower |
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So I have been invited to visit his workplace. I think the idea is totally shite.
1) I don't want it to look like he is cheating on his wife. I don't want to be the reason his men would lose respect for him. I don't think you can really respect someone you perceive as a cheater. 2) Being totally out to everyone is not going to be possible, nor entirely advisable. Some of his men won't get it and will lose respect. 3) His wife isn't visiting. I don't want to if she doesn't. She alpha, I beta. It would like feel like being introduced to his parents and spending quality time with them in the hypothetical situation where his parents and his wife wouldn't be on talking terms with one another. Imposing is maybe the word I'm looking for? Over-assuming? Anyone with experience on being out in the military, possibly living on-base as a poly family?
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Me: bi female in my twenties Dating: Moonlightrunner Metamour: Windflower |
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Again, for the sheer fact of avoiding drama and bullshit, I would advise that you do not do it. |
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Yep, I think this is just a combination of NRE/having a friend just die on-duty/trouble at home. Thanks for the info on the military code of conduct, I'll bring that up with him.
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Me: bi female in my twenties Dating: Moonlightrunner Metamour: Windflower |
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