Wants 2 Be Equal in Polyfidel relationship

Similar Experience

Thanks Bookbug. Yes your experience seems similar except you got out at 1year...we tried to end it earlier. I broke up a few times in the beginning because of her pain...then he did a few times...we kept finding our way back (always him or him/her saying she was open too) and I allowed it.

I dont hold blame out to her. How could you possibly know when you agree to spice up your marriage, what could come. However agree it does seem a little naive, especially as a woman, to think emotional connection wont come if you open your husband up to other women.

NOt sure the chance is left to ask for deadlines on timing. Apparently she has taken a turn for the worse after realizing that if offered it again, i'd choose one on one with him. Appears she is in a bad way over that, unable to get outside of herself to see the larger picture, and he is not talking now either. He needs time and space to think about what to do.
This is hell and its killing me inside.

Curious, how are you handling moving on while still being friends AND deeply in love/missing him???? How do you make that work?

Thanks

I've read through all of the thread and I feel your pain. I entered into a triad with a couple ~ childhood girlfriend and her husband (vee). We lived together. It seemed like it ought to be perfect because she and I already loved each other, and it turned out that her husband and I had an immediate connection the quickly turned to love.

And that was when it hit the fan. Turned out, my friend was okay with the sex, but not the love that developed between her husband and I. (Kind of effed up, huh? I mean what could she possibly have been thinking?) Anyway, my role went to sexless secondary almost over night, with me trying to be patient while they worked things out. The indefiniteness of the waiting pretty much drove me batshit crazy. Yet, I kept hanging in there because of my connection to her husband. (I could certainly relate to your description of how you feel about your guy.) It came down to the fact that he couldn't believe that she could turn around 180 degrees from discussing "moonlight marriages" to "it sickens me when you touch her". He kept thinking that given her initial enthusiasm, he could turn it back around. I was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to, and yet, I wanted to believe. It went on less than a year, but it seemed an eternity.

I no longer live with them, although miraculously we have all remained friends, and still love one another. I am moving on my life, yet he and I are still deeply in love and miss one another terribly. Like you though, I know he would miss his wife terribly if he were to leave her. Additionally, they have children and I knew from day one the children would be paramount in any decisions.

My point in sharing this is that I know how you feel, and secondly to recommend that if at all possible you try to get that timeline defined. Limbo is complete hell.
 
W2BE, why hasnt your couple lived together for 18 months? Was that part of their breaking up and getting back together multiple times? Do you all now maintain separate apartments? Are there children in the mix? How old are you all? Did you all have 3way sex in the beginning?

Bringing in a 3rd to "spice up" a rocky marriage is not a good idea. I am surprised you've all held on for 5 years when everyone is so uncomfortable.
 
Reply to MAg

Hi Mag, they are separated due both to need for space and a job opportunity and we all have grown children.

We all have separate residences right now but that was supposed to be temporary. We were trying to work towards resolution of where/how to live when all this blew up this last week.

We have all shared 3 way intimacy, but not since this last reconciliation due to her trying to overcome her resentments, and our distance apart.

We held on so long because he and I are deeply in love and he really wants to try and keep his marriage and me too. It hurts beyond believe when we are apart.

Does this help?

W2BE, why hasnt your couple lived together for 18 months? Was that part of their breaking up and getting back together multiple times? Do you all now maintain separate apartments? Are there children in the mix? How old are you all? Did you all have 3way sex in the beginning?

Bringing in a 3rd to "spice up" a rocky marriage is not a good idea. I am surprised you've all held on for 5 years when everyone is so uncomfortable.
 
Hi Mag, they are separated due both to need for space and a job opportunity and we all have grown children.

We all have separate residences right now but that was supposed to be temporary. We were trying to work towards resolution of where/how to live when all this blew up this last week.

We have all shared 3 way intimacy, but not since this last reconciliation due to her trying to overcome her resentments, and our distance apart.

We held on so long because he and I are deeply in love and he really wants to try and keep his marriage and me too. It hurts beyond believe when we are apart.

Does this help?

OK, yes, the further information helps.

Generally when we talk about primaries here, it is meant that the primary couple shares a residence, finances and child care. More is usually done with them as regards shared friends and extended families.

Does his extended family know about you? Have they met you? Do you and he share holidays together, as a 2some or as a 3some? Do your bf and his wife share finances or did they separate them as well? Of course, they share children. Does your extended family and your friends know about your married bf, have they met?

What I am getting at is, you and he may already be co-primaries of a sort, after all this time and sharing of lives.

5 years is a long long time for the wife to have been holding resentment. I can see why you'd be upset she is requesting you and the guy take a break while he and she "reconnect."

When he says she is "sick and fragile," what does that mean? Is she mentally ill? Is she under a doctor's care, or in therapy? I'd think couples counseling would be in order for all of you, you and him, him and you, you and her.
Since you and she have shared lives and sexual activity for so long, you 2 are a "lesbian" couple as well, even though you aren't getting along now.

It seems to me, from here, she is in denial of the seriousness of his feelings for you, your feelings for him. Living in this limbo isnt good for anyone. There needs to be a full disclosure. Your needs are just as important to him as hers are. Now that you are finally speaking up, careful and full communication needs to take place, or else a clean break between one couple or another. I'm sure for all of you, it is very wearing.
 
Feeling very dark today

Thanks Mag,

A few family and friends know, but generally its been kept very discreet. We have not shared holidays together either. We were in the process of defining all of these kinds of things as well now that we decided to take it to the next level of triad or V living together (together or 2 sep homes). Again we all live far apart so any kind of living arrangement hasnt been an option these last years. Its been prioritized now because none of us are happy with a virtual relationship anymore and its kind of impossible to move forward without actual seeing each other in person more.

Yes four years is a really long time to have resentment. I think Her sickness is manifested from the situation of both being in a hard job alone in a town she hates for years without him, plus having to manage her marraige being open to him& I pushing her boundaries further and further. She has been vocal about her discomfort but she hasnt left the relationship herself, hanging tight. When he told her 3 years ago that he loved me, she was very hurt, and when i saw the hurt I was genuine and sincere telling her that if it was too much I could pull out. But she said no, we'd work it out. This has gone on and on.

He agreed the reconnection open ended time wasnt fair either, but after she and I met with a therapist, the therapist thought it made sense for her because of how fragile she is, and given I have a great deal of empathy, I also told my love it made sense if he felt he truly loved her and wanted to help her out of the pain. I couldnt stand seeing her like that either.

The hard pain now is that I might have pushed myself right out of the relationship because of my empathy towards her instead of just staying quiet and staying strongfast to my own needs. I keep telling myself that i did the right thing. IF we were truly to make it as 3 I have to have empathy for her, and I dont want to find out later if he left her for me that his love for her would make for deeper issues. She has no ability right now to feel empathy for me because of her living situation and need for reconnection with him first.

Anyway, feeling very dark today as the morning was our scheduled time together and we weren't.
I'm using the time myself to reflect upon the last 5 years. Talking to you guys here has been imeasurably comforting. TY so much.

OK, yes, the further information helps.

Generally when we talk about primaries here, it is meant that the primary couple shares a residence, finances and child care. More is usually done with them as regards shared friends and extended families.

Does his extended family know about you? Have they met you? Do you and he share holidays together, as a 2some or as a 3some? Do your bf and his wife share finances or did they separate them as well? Of course, they share children. Does your extended family and your friends know about your married bf, have they met?

What I am getting at is, you and he may already be co-primaries of a sort, after all this time and sharing of lives.

5 years is a long long time for the wife to have been holding resentment. I can see why you'd be upset she is requesting you and the guy take a break while he and she "reconnect."

When he says she is "sick and fragile," what does that mean? Is she mentally ill? Is she under a doctor's care, or in therapy? I'd think couples counseling would be in order for all of you, you and him, him and you, you and her.
Since you and she have shared lives and sexual activity for so long, you 2 are a "lesbian" couple as well, even though you aren't getting along now.

It seems to me, from here, she is in denial of the seriousness of his feelings for you, your feelings for him. Living in this limbo isnt good for anyone. There needs to be a full disclosure. Your needs are just as important to him as hers are. Now that you are finally speaking up, careful and full communication needs to take place, or else a clean break between one couple or another. I'm sure for all of you, it is very wearing.
 
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You all live far apart? Why? How can you all become a thing if you're so far apart? Does she want to leave her job and move back in with him?
 
The majority of the relationship has been virtual,

We met online and didnt live nearby, but meet in person from time to time.

Thanks.

The majority of the relationship has been virtual, and we decided to move forward by having us all live in the same town. She is very anxious to leave her job and move back with him, and he and I are anxious to find a way to be together again too. Thus why we were looking at all these options/aveneues.

I know you think that's crazy that a virtual relationship with very little in person time has gone on 5 years, but we both had the ability to make it work via today's CAM/VIdeo tools plus meeting in person, but i guess we're not able to see sustaining it that way, and are anxious for non virtual for the long term.

THx

You all live far apart? Why? How can you all become a thing if you're so far apart? Does she want to leave her job and move back in with him?
 
OK, W2BE, I think I am finally getting a clear picture of the situation.

5 years ago, the wife agreed to let her h get together with you to "spice up the marriage." Things were a spicy triad for a while, NRE, 3 way sex, etc. They lived together, you lived miles away. You only met them in person from time to time, skyped in between.

All well and good. Then, NRE (her for you) faded, and the NRE between you and her man developed into love. This made the wife very nervous. She didn't really want true polyamory, just a unicorn who would be at their beck and call, sexually, and keep her damn mouth shut.

You put up with keeping your mouth shut for a time, but once you and the husband felt you loved each other, you started wanting more. OTOH, she wanted you around less, because of being afraid her h would choose you.

So, you are mono, she is mono, the h just wants two wives and is stuck in the middle with his lovers both resenting and being jealous of each other.

Meanwhile, the h and wife both lost jobs. She moved away from him, partly because she was angry with him for loving you, partly to find work. He is still in the original family home.

Now she wants to move back in with him, job or not. You're tired of this LDR and also want to move to be near him...

Gosh, despite the "unbearable" pain, if I were you, I'd step back and let this husband and wife sort out their shit. I'd give them a good six to eight months. Maybe chat from time to time, but take care of myself, develop hobbies, redecorate my apartment, take a long trip with a platonic friend, anything to distract myself from this troubled couple.

As I stated earlier, their original agreement was to have a mythical unicorn, with no needs of her own, just an infinite willingness to eat the crumbs off their marital table. Now that you are speaking up, you're not quite so much fun anymore.

Read this thread about secondaries' rights, click on the link in the OP

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20315

Read every thread on this board tagged secondary.
 
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That breakdown makes perfect sense, from where I'm sitting.

I really think your metamour wasn't expecting for the relationship to progress any further, especially for the fact that most of it has taken place online. I don't see where she put much stock into taking heed of possibilities outside of the original goal.
 
Obviously it isn't just YOU who has created the disconnect between husband and wife. Yes it sounds like she's in a difficult job/living situation, but YOU did not create that situation. That situation was going to happen regardless of your role in their lives. The stresses may have be intensified with you entering their lives, but part of her "Fragile" state is caused by a choice SHE made...or perhaps THEY made....to accept employment and move away from her husband. (I'm not saying the choice wasn't necessary, but I question how much ownership on the wife's behalf is going on here.)

So you and he are expected to put your relationship on hold because her life hasn't gone the way they expected or hoped?? Does this mean that anytime a partner has something difficult in their life, they can request that the other partners back off on their relationship??? It sounds to me that she has some decisions to make about whether or not to keep her current job and live apart from her husband. This is a decision that COULD be made regardless of whether or not her husband and you have a relationship. Perhaps instead of wanting the two of you to back off with each other, she should decide what she wants to do with her job/living situation....do it...and then talk about what next.

Since your guy sees her as "fragile" or "ill", however, it may be in your best interest to chose to back away for awhile...for your own sanity.... until HE can be clear about what he truly wants and whether or not he's willing to make some difficult choices.
 
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update

Thanks Dragonfly. have taken some time for emotions to settle.
he feels we 3 should meet to talk together (he, I and her). He feels its best to do this in a low key way, without actually discussing all the drama at hand, maybe to do something together (virtual yes, but we are used to it) and try to get a read on our current chemistry together.

I'll keep you all updated. Meanwhile he's making an effort for assurances that I know we are still together while we try hard to work this out.

Obviously it isn't just YOU who has created the disconnect between husband and wife. Yes it sounds like she's in a difficult job/living situation, but YOU did not create that situation. That situation was going to happen regardless of your role in their lives. The stresses may have be intensified with you entering their lives, but part of her "Fragile" state is caused by a choice SHE made...or perhaps THEY made....to accept employment and move away from her husband. (I'm not saying the choice wasn't necessary, but I question how much ownership on the wife's behalf is going on here.)

So you and he are expected to put your relationship on hold because her life hasn't gone the way they expected or hoped?? Does this mean that anytime a partner has something difficult in their life, they can request that the other partners back off on their relationship??? It sounds to me that she has some decisions to make about whether or not to keep her current job and live apart from her husband. This is a decision that COULD be made regardless of whether or not her husband and you have a relationship. Perhaps instead of wanting the two of you to back off with each other, she should decide what she wants to do with her job/living situation....do it...and then talk about what next.

Since your guy sees her as "fragile" or "ill", however, it may be in your best interest to chose to back away for awhile...for your own sanity.... until HE can be clear about what he truly wants and whether or not he's willing to make some difficult choices.
 
he wants us to meet

Pretty close assessment except I was and never have been jealous of her.
And I'm not sure she ever had much NRE for me..but we have been friends.

I think once it went past "light and fun" (which was pretty quickly), she came along because she didnt want to lose him.

And it was him who lost his job and moved away not her (to take new job), she is still in the family home. She wants to quit her job and move to where he is now (and sell or rent their home)

Its pretty clear she is accomodating to the point where she'll compromise in order to keep her relationship with him. Me backing off 6 or 8 months I dont think will ever change that. She is accepting and accomodating. But she has resentments to work through. The question is how do we move forward with respect, peace, calm and how do I ensure I feel equal.

He wants us all to meet in non drama way just to feel new chemistry (how does it feel, how do we act, whats the air in the room)....

what do you think now?

OK, W2BE, I think I am finally getting a clear picture of the situation.

5 years ago, the wife agreed to let her h get together with you to "spice up the marriage." Things were a spicy triad for a while, NRE, 3 way sex, etc. They lived together, you lived miles away. You only met them in person from time to time, skyped in between.

All well and good. Then, NRE (her for you) faded, and the NRE between you and her man developed into love. This made the wife very nervous. She didn't really want true polyamory, just a unicorn who would be at their beck and call, sexually, and keep her damn mouth shut.

You put up with keeping your mouth shut for a time, but once you and the husband felt you loved each other, you started wanting more. OTOH, she wanted you around less, because of being afraid her h would choose you.

So, you are mono, she is mono, the h just wants two wives and is stuck in the middle with his lovers both resenting and being jealous of each other.

Meanwhile, the h and wife both lost jobs. She moved away from him, partly because she was angry with him for loving you, partly to find work. He is still in the original family home.

Now she wants to move back in with him, job or not. You're tired of this LDR and also want to move to be near him...

Gosh, despite the "unbearable" pain, if I were you, I'd step back and let this husband and wife sort out their shit. I'd give them a good six to eight months. Maybe chat from time to time, but take care of myself, develop hobbies, redecorate my apartment, take a long trip with a platonic friend, anything to distract myself from this troubled couple.

As I stated earlier, their original agreement was to have a mythical unicorn, with no needs of her own, just an infinite willingness to eat the crumbs off their marital table. Now that you are speaking up, you're not quite so much fun anymore.

Read this thread about secondaries' rights, click on the link in the OP

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20315

Read every thread on this board tagged secondary.
 
Pretty close assessment except I was and never have been jealous of her.
And I'm not sure she ever had much NRE for me..but we have been friends.

I think once it went past "light and fun" (which was pretty quickly), she came along because she didnt want to lose him.

And it was him who lost his job and moved away not her (to take new job), she is still in the family home. She wants to quit her job and move to where he is now (and sell or rent their home)

Its pretty clear she is accomodating to the point where she'll compromise in order to keep her relationship with him. Me backing off 6 or 8 months I dont think will ever change that. She is accepting and accomodating. But she has resentments to work through. The question is how do we move forward with respect, peace, calm and how do I ensure I feel equal.

He wants us all to meet in non drama way just to feel new chemistry (how does it feel, how do we act, whats the air in the room)....

what do you think now?

I think several things. If she wants to move back in with him, good. They are married. Married people usually live together.

To be quite honest, if she is emotionally fragile, even ill, over this, in your shoes I would back off for a while. If you care about her health, if this is what she is requesting or begging for, I'd take the high road and give her time to heal.

As for your first question on the thread: if you live far from your bf, I don't see how you can ever be anything approaching the status of a co-primary, unless you live quite near him. How far apart are you now? Have you discussed moving closer once he and the wife re-establish some kind of normalcy (if they can!)?
 
Thanks Bookbug. Yes your experience seems similar except you got out at 1year...we tried to end it earlier. I broke up a few times in the beginning because of her pain...then he did a few times...we kept finding our way back (always him or him/her saying she was open too) and I allowed it.

I dont hold blame out to her. How could you possibly know when you agree to spice up your marriage, what could come. However agree it does seem a little naive, especially as a woman, to think emotional connection wont come if you open your husband up to other women.

NOt sure the chance is left to ask for deadlines on timing. Apparently she has taken a turn for the worse after realizing that if offered it again, i'd choose one on one with him. Appears she is in a bad way over that, unable to get outside of herself to see the larger picture, and he is not talking now either. He needs time and space to think about what to do.
This is hell and its killing me inside.

Curious, how are you handling moving on while still being friends AND deeply in love/missing him???? How do you make that work?

Thanks

My apologies on the long response time.

Honestly, I will hold onto whatever relationship with him I can have. We are that well-matched. The two of us are still trying to come to terms with our new "status". We are in daily communication by text, phone, and email. We find that we do okay, are kind of philosophical about the whole thing most of the time, but when we see each other in the flesh, it rekindles the longing. Don't know if that will diminish over time or not.

We've talked about being afraid to "let go", but that is more a psychological manifestation imo, than anything else. In all reality we have let go. Our lives are no longer entwined except as they would be with any friends that you love and care for.

I won't lie, although far from perfect, getting to this place was pure hell. The sense of loss was overwhelming. But it always came down to the fact that what choice did we have? Like you, I will never ask him to choose me over his wife and children.

I've finally reached the place, where I know I could go on and be happy if I knew that he could accept things and be happy. For some reason, it seems we must do this in lockstep. Due to winter illness, (his kids, me, his wife, him etc.) it's been three weeks since we've had a chance to talk in person. I am eager to see where his head is at ~ hard to discern by text, especially given the fact that we've been under weather.

One thing I know is that his wife, my friend, is now back in a good place psychologically, since he and I declared our platonic status. (And at one point he offered to cut off all contact with me in order to prove his love to her. The gesture was enough; she decided she didn't require him to actually do it.) For this I am glad. Just wish she could understand that our love for each other does not take away from her. However, since she's relaxed, she is no longer uptight about him spending time with me. In fact, next weekend he's coming to my house to help me with a computer problem.

I don't know if any of this will help you, but know that I know how you feel. Going to read the rest of the thread now to see if there have been any updates.
 
Its over

Thanks to all that helped me. I'm very sad to say it didnt work out very well. In fact its over:(

She (his wife) was on leave for stress and calming a bit. I tried a few times to suggest pulling back (leaving the relationship), but we kept talking more as three, he didnt want to give up. But each time it was so clear she was in pain and not okay with my need of being a co primary. That she fears I'm going to take him for myself.

He assured me he was going to default to being with me if the 3 didnt work out...(which i'm sure stoked her fear)..... that we wouldnt break up. That if she didnt accept the new ground they were on, their marraige as they knew it was over. But this week we did break up:(. Because our happiness cannot be had if someone else is in pain. Because he would hate himself for leaving her now in the state she is in. Because he still loves her. Because they cant meet my needs of being an equal. He said leaving me would rip his heart out, but leaving her would compromise his values and make him hate himself. So he chose her.

I know how it goes when we contact each other after a breakup (we've had quite a few) and I asked him not to contact me. He was very saddened at this, and cried, but I know from history what will happen. Reading these boards it sounds like people think we should be able to stay in contact and not make it so hard with cold turkey no contact. But this has torn me up so completely, I'm not sure how I'll recover this time, much less risk it to happen again. I was ready to move to be near him, move my business, leave my friends and family and even my country. I wanted it. I was excited. Now the dream is not only gone, but so is he completely.

He felt like a soulmate, we brought each other up like phoenix's out of an abyss. We soared together.

IF I stayed in any kind of contact, I'm deathly afraid of being unable to move on.

And I didnt get to say goodbye to her but not sure any further outreach to her is appropriate.


My apologies on the long response time.

Honestly, I will hold onto whatever relationship with him I can have. We are that well-matched. The two of us are still trying to come to terms with our new "status". We are in daily communication by text, phone, and email. We find that we do okay, are kind of philosophical about the whole thing most of the time, but when we see each other in the flesh, it rekindles the longing. Don't know if that will diminish over time or not.

We've talked about being afraid to "let go", but that is more a psychological manifestation imo, than anything else. In all reality we have let go. Our lives are no longer entwined except as they would be with any friends that you love and care for.

I won't lie, although far from perfect, getting to this place was pure hell. The sense of loss was overwhelming. But it always came down to the fact that what choice did we have? Like you, I will never ask him to choose me over his wife and children.

I've finally reached the place, where I know I could go on and be happy if I knew that he could accept things and be happy. For some reason, it seems we must do this in lockstep. Due to winter illness, (his kids, me, his wife, him etc.) it's been three weeks since we've had a chance to talk in person. I am eager to see where his head is at ~ hard to discern by text, especially given the fact that we've been under weather.

One thing I know is that his wife, my friend, is now back in a good place psychologically, since he and I declared our platonic status. (And at one point he offered to cut off all contact with me in order to prove his love to her. The gesture was enough; she decided she didn't require him to actually do it.) For this I am glad. Just wish she could understand that our love for each other does not take away from her. However, since she's relaxed, she is no longer uptight about him spending time with me. In fact, next weekend he's coming to my house to help me with a computer problem.

I don't know if any of this will help you, but know that I know how you feel. Going to read the rest of the thread now to see if there have been any updates.
 
He assured me he was going to default to being with me if the 3 didnt work out...(which i'm sure stoked her fear)..... that we wouldnt break up. That if she didnt accept the new ground they were on, their marraige as they knew it was over. But this week we did break up:(. Because our happiness cannot be had if someone else is in pain. Because he would hate himself for leaving her now in the state she is in. Because he still loves her. Because they cant meet my needs of being an equal. He said leaving me would rip his heart out, but leaving her would compromise his values and make him hate himself. So he chose her.

I'm very sorry it turned out this way, but not surprised. The only difference between my situation and yours is that my guy and I discussed, and agreed, from day one if it didn't work, he would default to his wife. (At the time neither us really comprehended how hard this would be.) There were times he truly wished he could do something different; times I wished he could have too. But we both feel that if you compromise your honor, then you've truly lost everything. And neither of us ever really wanted it just to be us; we wanted the three of us. Unfortunately, his wife just couldn't do it.

I know how it goes when we contact each other after a breakup (we've had quite a few) and I asked him not to contact me. He was very saddened at this, and cried, but I know from history what will happen. Reading these boards it sounds like people think we should be able to stay in contact and not make it so hard with cold turkey no contact. But this has torn me up so completely, I'm not sure how I'll recover this time, much less risk it to happen again. I was ready to move to be near him, move my business, leave my friends and family and even my country. I wanted it. I was excited. Now the dream is not only gone, but so is he completely.

I can understand why you made that choice. Glad I didn't have to.

He felt like a soulmate, we brought each other up like phoenix's out of an abyss. We soared together.

I can relate.

Again, I'm so sorry.
 
Your story made me cry.

I'm a Mono Secondary too (And I too, hate that word).
My greatest fear is that one day your story will be my own.

Hugs to you. Hope you find peace sooner than later.
 
Strange

Hi NT, Strange I havent checked the board in a while and did today and saw your nice note. TY so much.

The pain hasnt gone away and peace has not yet come, although I'm at the 30 day mark. i feel altered in some deeper way than a usual breakup. I'm trying really hard to get to acceptance.

He did contact me last week 3 weeks since the breakup. By email. It was to let me know he was still in pain and thought he might have to live with always being in pain, and he hoped I was doing ok. I said it was the same for me and wished him the best.

Are you on the same page with your loves? I hope you are coming into something that they've figured out between themselves already. I personally could never be a secondary again. Only a co primary. But I had to learn that the hard way.

Hugs

Your story made me cry.

I'm a Mono Secondary too (And I too, hate that word).
My greatest fear is that one day your story will be my own.

Hugs to you. Hope you find peace sooner than later.
 
In the standard relationship when people break up it is because there are problems between them, good reasons not to be together. I think it's hard to wrap your head around the idea that there are no issues directly between yourselves and yet you still must be apart. I frequently find myself saying, "This is just stupid."

In my own situation, I know my friend was pain, but I do feel some underlying anger at her for agreeing to a permanent triad and then changing her mind, with the added bonus that she was shocked that we were hurt when it was she that "had everything to lose." Nope. I feel like I've lost everything. It might have made it easier if she'd tried to understand how much this hurt both her husband and I.

It's been 6 months now since I left.

As for her marriage, it is forever altered. Yes, he is staying with her. I'd been working under the impression that he was motivated by love and honor. He told me yesterday, that his motivation to stay is almost purely driven by the fact that his kids are flourishing, and it physically hurts him to consider ripping that apart. He does well in his role as husband, trying to keep the lines of communication open and endeavoring to support her, but she is no longer his focus in life. Sadly, I believe in the long run she will find that she has lost more than she realizes.

That said, my friend is going through some changes. Whether this will eventually result in her come to some understanding of the situation, and sympathy for our losses, I don't know. Whether this will enable her to repair the relationship between them, I don't know. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I have to move forward.
 
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