Reasonable or control freak?

CaptZebra

New member
My partner is planning to spend time with someone new, which is fine. I have several requests for her and I wondering if I could get some input as to whether or not these are reasonable things to ask for:

I would like for her to be home no later than (still thinking).
I would like to know when she will be home and I would like for her to come home at that time.
I would not like for her to call and ask me if I mind her staying out later.

Are these requests reasonable? Do I need to have a good reason for why I am asking for these things? Is it important that I share my reasons? Of course, I will tell her if she asks.

The first two are things I ask for when she goes out with friends, though I am usually very flexible. I'm not sure why it feels so different to ask for these things now.

These are definitely requests, not demands or ultimatums. I am willing to discuss them further if she doesn't think these are requests she can honor, though I don't know whether or not I'll feel any differently.

Any thoughts?

Thanks,
CZ

P.S. Out of curiosity, do you think the reason for making a request affects whether or not it is reasonable? Are there some requests that are always reasonable and always unreasonable?
 
These were all requests of my husband when I dated. They are requests that I have heard other poly couples have also. They are completely reasonable and normal requests to have, in my opinion.
 
Are these requests reasonable? Do I need to have a good reason as to why I am asking for these things? Is it important that I share my reasons?

Do you think the reason for making a request affects whether or not it is reasonable? Are there some requests that are always reasonable and always unreasonable?

Reasonable for me, sure.
Reasonable for my husband, not so much.
Reasonable for you/her, hell if I know.

Yes, you need a good reason to make these requests. Every request should have a good reason.

Yes, you need to share WHY. If you don't share why, she is more likely to inadvertently break the spirit of the rule, even if she doesn't break the ACTUAL rule, and that would make the rule pointless.

The reason certainly affects whether or not it's reasonable. If I request you to crawl every time you enter my house, because I'm bored, that's not reasonable. If I ask you to crawl every time you enter my house because it will protect you from certain injury, that is perfectly reasonable.

Your last question I have to think too hard to answer tonight. I need to hit the hay.
 
I'm curious why you have these requests. Is it fear for her safety, and you don't want to sit up worrying about her, or is it because you don't like the idea of her spending the night with someone else?

Personally, I would actually hate those requests made of me. I usually come home whenever I want. If I choose to stay out, I stay out. As long as I let my other partner know that I am safe and not to expect me home, that seems to be okay. I like to be spontaneous, and having those kinds of restrictions would limit that. Also, it would make me feel like I was being treated like a child.

This is just my opinion. My relationships are unique to me. I'm not saying that you are being unreasonable, only how I would feel if my own partner(s) started making requests like that of me.

Jools
 
Life can get pretty crazy, and trying to impose a curfew on adults does feel a little demeaning. You might want to just have this conversation with her, letting her know that you would like to see her every night, but you can't treat it like a mandatory checking-in sort of thing. It should be mutual.

If you need to know where she is so you don't worry, then tell her that. If you need to know where she is because you would rather she be home with you at all times, and you need to know when she's going to be back, that's something else entirely.

For us, we just talk all the time. We tell each other where we're going, how long we'll be gone (if we know) and what we're doing. I do it out of respect for my husband, because I think he deserves to know what I'm up to. ;)
 
I think the important thing is that you are delving back into waters you have been out of for a long time. To ask for these boundaries to ease into sharing the person you love is completely understandable, IMO. I would find it hard to believe that your partner would take issue with looking after the person she has loved for so long by being very accommodating at the inception of a new relationship. To do otherwise perpetuates the selfish aspect of poly, in my opinion.
 
It seems to me that these are trust-building requests. In other words, you are trying to find out if is she going to do what she says she is going to do. Change can be scary, and can make anybody with an emotional investment cringe. This is an area of your relationship in which she has not yet had the opportunity to earn your trust. I don't think these are unreasonable requests at the beginning of a new relationship.
 
I would wonder what it was about if I were given curfews in my ESTABLISHED relationships now. But we are talking beginnings and helping partners feel comfortable. Out of respect, a discussion about checking in and what time I will be home is perfectly acceptable. I wouldn't see this as being treated as a child, at all. If my husband thought I was treating him like a child for wanting to know where he was and when he would be home, I would be very hurt and concerned that there were bigger issues that warranted far more discussion.
 
I don't see any problem with checking in, saying where you are, and what time you think you will be home. That is fair enough. But saying you have to be home by 11:00 pm, and there is no flexibility in this is too restrictive. But that's just how I'd feel. There was nothing to say that the OP's partner would not be more than okay with this I am all for being flexible and understanding, but I just would hate to give up the possibility to be spontaneous!

Jools
 
i just would hate to give up the possibility to be spontaneous!

Jools

As long as "being spontaneous" is an accepted practice within your relationship, then that is great! I think for most, the idea of "spontaneity" is akin to communicating after the fact. Especially in new experiences with poly, I think communication before the fact is extremely important.
 
Out of respect a discussion on checking in and what time I will be home is perfectly acceptable and I wouldn't see this as being treated as a child at all.

On the contrary, I would see this as being treated as an adult, and an adult should have no problem checking in with their loved ones so that they wouldn't worry.

My husband keeps a crazy schedule (and mind you, this has NOTHING to do with dating other people), and I often wake up in the middle of the night and call him to make sure he's ok (especially around 3 or 4 am when the bars and comedy clubs are closed).

When I went on my whole TWO dates with my other guy, husband called me JUST to make sure I was ok. It's nice to know that someone cares enough to do that.
 
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It seems to me that these are trust-building requests. In other words, you are trying to find out if is she going to do what she says she is going to do. Change can be scary, and can make anybody with an emotional investment cringe. This is an area of your relationship in which she has not yet had the opportunity to earn your trust. I don't think these are unreasonable requests for the beginning start of a new relationship.

I agree with the BigGuy. Once she has shown you that she respects your concerns/boundaries/feelings and needs, and this experience shows itself a good one for all involved, you may not feel the need for reassurance quite as much.
 
As long as "being spontaneous" is an accepted practice within your relationship then that is great! I think for most, the idea of "spontaneity" is akin to communicating after the fact. Especially in new experiences with poly I think communication before the fact is extremely important.

If I am out, I DO check in. I will send a text or make a call so he knows where I am and I tell him what time I expect to be home.

However, if I decide that i want to change my plans and spend the night, or if something happens and i'm going to be later, then i simply send a text or call to let him know. It's usually no problem, unless there is some specific need for me to come home when i said i would, then being spontaneous is fine.

It's not really after the fact, because i do check in. i just am allowed to change my plans. i don't have a set time to be home and i am allowed to spend the night away from home, and i give same privileges to him. I don't see why having set time to come home and not being allowed to stay out all night would be a problem. If you know where your partner is, and know that they are safe, and they are otherwise meeting your needs, spending quality time and being respectful.

Jools
 
I don't see why having set time to come home and not being allowed to stay out all night would be a problem. if you know where your partner is and know that they are safe, and they are meeting your needs and spending quality time and being respectful.

This is a new relationship, jools. Think of it from a new person's perspective. Of course, the boundaries and flexibility would evolve as the comfort levels increased. You're in a different place, and I understand that.
 
i don't think i was ever in the place where i had those restrictions, so it is hard for me to understand them. i'm more curious as to why that would be needed.

Jools
 
i don't think i was ever in the place where i had those restrictions, so it is hard for me to understand them. im more curious as to why that would be needed.

Now I understand. And I don't mean to be anything but curious, but didn't you have a thread which dealt with your desire for your other lover to restrict getting involved with anyone else until you settled into your relationship? To some people, that restriction would be totally unacceptable and would be hard to understand. See what I'm saying? This is merely a matter of perspective, not judgement.
 
I'm a little surprised, jools. Weren't you saying in a thread you started that you were concerned about your own man around boundaries? I'm surprised that you would stay out all night if your partner had some feelings about that. If he didn't, then great. But we aren't talking about that, we're talking about meeting people where they are, at the start of coming into poly.
 
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