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  #11  
Old 07-23-2020, 12:09 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenArrow View Post
How does one go out dating when you're poly? I refuse to take off my ring because that seems deceitful, but I don't think I'd want to pursue someone who would see the ring and be like "I don't give a shit. He can cheat with me."
For a while, I dated poly while married and "the ring" is actually a really good weed whacker. Anyone who is weirded out by the ring or overly-responds to the ring is someone who is not suitable or ready for poly, in my experience. I was a married woman so I got lots of responses to my dating profile, which included lots of guys who didn't understand poly at all. Some were sex seekers, but most were genuinely curious and open to learning if they weren't already practicing polyamorists. "The ring" was always present because it never occurred to me to take it off. But I found that if it became an issue in any way, it was a good thing because that would signal to me that the person just wasn't ready or able to have a totally open poly relationship with me.

On the other side, I had a married poly BF for awhile when I was freshly divorced and he had "the ring." He wore it always and neither of us ever even considered whether it should be on or off. It was just part of him.

Keep the ring on and let the ring work for you.
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  #12  
Old 08-07-2020, 10:06 PM
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So things are going well. Spitfire and I are in a good place. My talks with the dude seem to be going pretty good. Not sure what to call him yet, or if he'll even be around long enough to get a name.

Spitfire is currently at Bashir's house for the weekend. Originally she had taken sex off the table this weekend but I realized that we're either doing this thing or we're not. I green lit that shit so now it's back on the table. I believe that was the last of my temporary boundaries. Now all that's left is don't date anyone I could potentially work with and our house is our space. Kissing and shit is cool but no sex. I feel that as a human being I have a right to be territorial of my space, even if it's shared, because it's the only space I have. I respect that it's also hers but I need a "home base".

So I'm a little tore up by the fact that sex with Bashir is a real possibility. It's like "this is it. It's really happening." I'm scared about things changing. I'm scared she's going to like sex with him more. She assures me that she sees sex in black and white. There's good sex and there's bad sex. I don't see things the same way.

Like most things in my life, I rank and categorize everything. This includes sex. I've had good sex that I put above other sex that I've had. There are things about it I like more. Currently sex with Spitfire is ranked at the top, and that's a tall list, both males and females. Please understand there's good reason to want to be selfish with sex like that. Now I've had items in other sexual encounters that I really liked but the sum of the entire event did not place high on the list.

That being said I still feel there is a definite chance that Spitfire could find herself preferring sex with him to sex with me. That makes me sad. Doesn't everyone enjoy thinking that the sex they're having with their partner is the best sex? To have that delusion shatter all around you is a bit humbling.

I knew feelings like this would be coming and I tried to prepare. I had scheduled a D&D session with some of the guys at work for tonight. Just something to keep my mind off things. In the last hour before work got out the whole thing fell apart and everyone bailed. That's just how planning a D&D session goes.

Thankfully my good dude just offered to try and keep my distracted as best he can. I really like that guy. He and I have a lot in common and even if we aren't in a relationship he's the kind of guy I'd really like to have as a friend. Still not really sure where I stand with him. On the Kinsey scale I'd say I'm an even 3. I'm basically a 50/50 split between men and women. Him, not as much into dudes. That's fair.

But, I don't know if he's into me. Hell, I'm not really sure if I'm into him. We haven't even met in person yet. Just one low quality video chat and a bunch of texting. So far he's the kind of guy I'd like to hang out with and see where things go.

So Bashir came over a few weeks ago. That's when it occurred to me that it was time to get over the kissing thing. That went well. He hung out with Spitfire all day and then Spitfire and I when I got home.

I was a little hurt when I got home and Spitfire didn't get up and greet me like she usually does when she's home before me. Eventually she walked into the office and gave me a hug and kiss while I was changing out of my uniform but it hurt to be made to feel second to some other man in my own home. I get that it was a weird situation for her and she didn't know what to do. It is what it is and my feelings are my feelings. It stung a little more though when I came back out to the living room to hang out and wound up sitting alone on my own half of our sectional couch while she sat on the far end with Bashir between us, holding his hand.

I felt rejected, inferior, unloved. It was tough. I don't hold it against her. I know she was reeling with all the conflicting emotions and trying to decide on what the best course of action was. I would have settled for her sitting between us.

Let me say that I believe I am over those feelings now, so if you're in a similar situation have hope. We talked about it after and I told her how I felt. She said she understood but didn't know what the right thing to do was from moment to moment. I knew that from the minute I walked in the door and told her I understood. She promised to make sure she still showed me some love from now on.

I'm worried that there are those of you reading this think "well it's her house too." That is a fair point. Consider this: Every morning your partner wakes up and takes a big steaming shit on your side of the bed, right at your feet. It makes them the happiest person in the world. Certainly they could shit on their side of the bed but it's both of your bed and the side you sleep on just makes them feel happy when they shit on it. They refuse to switch sides because they can only fall asleep on their side. How would that make you feel?

Obviously that's an extreme analogy but I feel the principles carry through.

Anyway the rest of the night was pretty good, if a little awkward. I really do like the guy. I told Spitfire I'd like for us to get to a comfort level where we could both give her a big kiss on the cheek and smother her in the kind of love she deserves, abundant. That made her really happy. I still feel the same way. Not sexually, mind you. I really am not up for being present while someone else penetrates my wife. Hugs snuggles and kisses, though. I'm game for that. While the idea makes her happy, I'm pretty sure all the emotion would just overload her into a panic attack. I'm going to give her some time to get comfortable with the thought.

I realized a week or so ago, that I'm feeling kind of lonely. I watch Spitfire replying to texts and snapchats all night as I sit there watching my phone lay silent as the grave most nights. People actively pursue her attention. They want to talk to her, bask in her time. I want to talk to her and have her attention. I feel like no one really wants that from me, and that's left me feeling really lonely.

Even Spitfire doesn't really actively pursue things with me. I know that's pretty standard in the male/female dynamic, but it leaves me feeling really undesired, more like an afterthought. Just once I'd like her to show that uncontrollable urge to be all over me that I feel about her almost all the time. While I know that I'm special to her, I'd really just like to feel special.

Anyway, I'm going to be late in picking up the kids from daycare if I keep typing. Hopefully I'll have more positive progress to write about in the future.
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  #13  
Old 08-07-2020, 11:05 PM
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Now that I've got the kids home and the little one is napping, I just wanted to thank you IceSong and FallenAngelina for your inputs. It helped add a seasoned perspective to things and I really liked the point about the ring. Helped pull me out of my own head. I feel a little more comfort emanating from my left hand.
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  #14  
Old Yesterday, 08:40 AM
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So it happened. Spitfire had sex with another man. It's not as rough to accept as I thought it would be. You know what's rough? Finding out he's got a much larger dick than you.

Now when I say much larger I need to add some context. I am fairly well endowed. Outside of porn I've never seen anyone bigger than me and I have seen my fair share up close. I feel like it's in poor taste to give out measurements so I won't (I'm aware this whole damn post is in poor taste but I've got to draw the line somewhere). From what I understand, Bashir is freakishly large. Spitfire described it as cartoonish, as big around as my water bottle, fucking monstrous and painful. She was trying to make me feel better about it. It did not help. I felt worse.

The guy is younger, thinner, I dare say handsomer than me, has a bigger dick, and gets to fuck my wife. I'll admit I'm jealous.

Why does a guy feel insecure about another guy having a bigger dick than him? I've been trying to figure out the root of that and here's what I've come up with:

1. With all my insecurities any man that is with my wife I know that I can beat or match him in any category and if I can't I can get there with some effort. The playing field is equal. I cannot grow a bigger dick.

2. Even though it's painful now, if Spitfire becomes accustomed to a dick that size, will my dick then be inadequate? Will I still be able to make her orgasm more than once, if at all? I know she says she doesn't need to orgasm to enjoy good sex, but it's one of my favorite parts and she's never had to say that when discussing sex with me. I love making her cum. That's something that I get out of sex with her. It's not just for her but for me as well. I'm afraid that Bashir putting his damn meat log up there is going to fuck shit up for me.

3. I want a cartoonishly enormous penis and can't have one.

Some of you may think I'm just being ridiculous but I swear these are honestly the thoughts that run through my brain. I never thought something below the belt like that could hit me so hard. It's been fucking with my head. I can't stop thinking about it. It fucking gnaws at me.

Is it petty? I don't even know what to call it. I know I should consider myself lucky for what I have but...

The sheer shock on her face when she talked about it, as if the very remembrance of the thing blew her mind. God damn!

I'm hoping that putting these thoughts into text will help me better identify my problem. Things with Spitfire have been pretty great since she came back. How the fuck do I tell her that every time I look at her I'm thinking about that dude sticking his fucking Pringles can in her.

How the fuck do I move past this?!

I'm sure that some of this is tied to the mental shockwave of my wife having slept with another man for the first time since we've been together. That's got to be some of it, but I was expecting it and had pretty much made peace with it... until she dropped that bomb on me.

I feel so pathetic that this is the fucking thing that I'm hung up on. Makes me feel small in more ways than one. For fuck's sake!

I'm hoping this isn't one of those things that is going to take time to get over. With most of my hangups it's just been about finding the right train of thought and that seems to unlock whatever's been keeping me from letting go. I just don't want to think about it that deeply.

I hope you've enjoyed reading about my comical hangup that, no shit, fucking haunts me right now. Someone should get some enjoyment out of my misery. I'm going to try and go to sleep. Have a good night.
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  #15  
Old Yesterday, 03:33 PM
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I don't really have any advise as honestly reading through this you seem incredibly great at rationalizing your own thoughts. I just wanted to drop a quick comment to say i read this to my partners and i made one of them spit out their drink at the pringle can bit and we all laughed a lot so thank you for making our Monday just a little bit better :P
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  #16  
Old Yesterday, 05:35 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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That does sound like a difficult thing to work through - I'm sort of lucky in that while one of my partners is... let's say porn-size ;-) and the other is reasonably well endowed but not THAT, the one who is less endowed also has just enough of a hotwife kink that me having sex with someone larger is a turn on rather than a point of insecurity.

Or at least so he tells me, clearly I'm not in his head. (Though given past group experiences, both with other people and as threesomes with both of the partners I mention, I have reason to believe that's true).

But since that doesn't seem to be the case for you, some other things you might want to consider:
  1. Of the men I've known with particularly large endowments, only one of them has really had a clue how to use it well and had I been picking between any of the clueless ones and a guy with an average dick and _skills_? well, the latter would be FAR more likely to be fun. (I mean literally Spitfire told you it was painful. Unless she's particularly a masochist, that's not a compliment.)
  2. There are activities I can have MORE fun with doing with a smaller partner - in fact there are a few activities I like that I basically can't do with my larger partner.
  3. If you *really* want to see her reaction to something that size, there's always toys. I don't mean to make light here; as a bisexual woman if I thought I couldn't ever satisfy a woman who liked large dicks I'd be doomed before I start...

Anyway I'm sorry this is difficult for you, maybe some of what I said might help exorcise that particular demon.
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  #17  
Old Today, 04:28 AM
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Thanks for sharing your pain in an entertaining way.

Since you have never known a non-porn penis bigger than yours til now, I guess you're only just now confronting the limitations of thinking (even subconsciously) that bigger is better when it comes to sex. Most people would've already needed to cross this bridge.

To respond to your points.

1) Correct, but you can improve (or hone) your skills and use tools if need be.

2) I'm an amateur about anatomy but I don't think vaginas work like that. There's a lot of elasticity. My cunt has not remained the size of a foetus' head.

3) Can't help you there But I don't really think you want that. I think you want to not have to deal with the feelings you're having. I mean... I could be wrong. If you could snap your fingers and make it happen, would you? Or perhaps you do like your body, but not the fears.
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  #18  
Old Today, 06:13 AM
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So after kind of a sleepless night, I talked to Spitfire. Thanks to work and the kids we didn't really have a chance to talk things out. Luckily I'm on vacation and she had the day off. After we dropped the kids off at daycare we talked. I felt guilty for bringing up such a stupid hangup but she understood and talking to her always makes me feel better.

Afterwards we shirked some responsibility and spent the rest of the morning in bed. I feel so connected to her when we touch. It really puts me at ease. It doesn't even have to be sex, but just holding each other. Touching her hand. Giving her a shoulder rub. When she runs her fingers through my hair. That shit makes me feel so close to her. I love it.

Anyways... I confessed my issue to Bashir. I think he was a little taken aback by my honesty but ultimately I think he appreciated it. We had a good chat. I like to think I'm a good...metamour? That's the word for your partner's partner that you don't have a relationship with, right? Well, whatever the word I think it was a good step forward.

I can't say enough how much I really enjoy talking to this dude I'm talking to. He talks me up to myself, makes me feel great. He's pretty fucking awesome himself. Still not sure where I stand with him but I'm hoping when I can finally meet him that I'll figure that out. Or maybe I'm getting catfished and will soon be working to recover from that thrust to the trust. Who knows. I'm digging it for now.

In reply to your awesome feedback:

Kittyxuchiha11-
Well I'm glad you could enjoy it. I was worried it would be too offensive or something. Mondays suck, unless you're in NoFX, so I'm glad I could do my part to improve yours.

Icesong-
For sure it's worth considering. Spitfire really isn't a masochist, so I would not want to see her reaction to something that size. You have a good point there and I appreciate your experience. Thanks.

Fuchka-
You seem incredibly insightful. I really have been lucky to have been spared from some harsh realities in the past. One by one my security blankets are unraveling and I'm finding myself feeling pretty exposed. It's a learning curve, for sure. Just to clarify something, Spitfire and I are two kids deep into this thing and I am very aware of the magic of vaginal elasticity. My concern is more centered on the effect that kind of stretching might have on nerve endings or just her own personal acclamation to the feeling of a dick that big. I promise you that the first time I took a cock to my ass it hurt and I was not pleased. It was more of an acquired taste. I worry that if that becomes the case with Spitfire, what good am I?
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