I didn't mean to derail the thread. I can see what you meant about debate. People are ready to jump on just about anything that smells even remotely like one. (Y'all should be ashamed! Yeah, you know who you are...)
Either way... I deleted anything that was inflamatory, trying to clean up the thread. Probably too late, but there you have it, I'm trying my best.
My initial introduction was just meant to warn people that I might lash out. My problem with polyamory is not a problem with polyamory per se, but a problem with my wife using it as an excuse for her lack of control over the past few years (6 to be exact, but who's counting, it's not a contest). I really think she's mistaken if she thinks you "are" poly the same way you "are" gay (In fact I resent the idea that there's anything magical about this "ability" she has to "love" more than one person (more on that later)). I think she's a hypocrit for trying to use this bullshit to justify her lack of control and willingness to give up on the commitment we made simply because she wanted to go fuck other people (and did).
It is not a "special, magical ability to love more than one person" that made her cheat and lie, all the while refusing me the same freedom (of having extra marital encounters/relationships). It is her immature need for external validation, and seemingly uncontrollable craving for NRE. So correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's what makes someone "polyamorous".
So yes, there's anger, resentment, extreme intolerance for bullshit, accompanied by hope that she can REALLY be honest instead of insulting me by pussyfooting around the truth. I've never been very tolerant of BS to start with, but the woman has a much higher than average IQ, she knows better. It is insulting to me that she thinks she's going to pull one over on me by using half baked cop-out arguments to justify her past shortcomings, or to try to get what she wants in the future.
I think we're ready, and about to make progress, but I can see how that conversation is going to be really laborious, and tinged with more empty arguments. I'm ready for it though.
I'm using a quote from
conchordian to jump into this thread, but I have points to make to each. I would like you
both to know that I'm not a know-it-all arsehole: I'm a trying-to-figure-it-all-out arsehole
. I want to throw into the ring some considerations that many of us are struggling with.
@
conchordian 1st, thanks for joining in! I think it's brave of you - someone who's going through so much pain and the (imagined or not) victim of deception and hypocrisy - not to shut your eyes and stick your fingers in your ears while chanting "I can't
hear you!"
2nd, as a big fan of sarcasm who often finds that sarcasm misunderstood - especially on-line, where I can't use body language - I heartily back up someone's earlier advice to use the sarcasm smiley at the right of the page when you're typing a post. It's a shame when a friendly (even timid) attempt to make a joke and break the ice with strangers is understood as a personal attack and things escalate. And they
have on this thread.
3rd, Love Hurts - or rather we often hurt ourselves when trying to deal with the complexities of love.
4th - and this
is presumptuous of me, since you know her much better and I've just read this thread - but
I dont get the impression that
sohuman's "a hypocrit for trying to use this bullshit to justify her lack of control and willingness to give up on the commitment we made". It seems to me that she's willing to admit that she cheated / was a hypocrite in the past, but has come out to you precisely because she wanted to
stop cheating. You talk about the last 6 years +/-. People grow. Give her credit for wanting to be honest with you
now... and wanting to have an honest relationship. Keep the "hope that she can REALLY be honest instead of insulting me by pussyfooting around the truth", and give her the benefit of the doubt: that she's
trying!
5th, you love her the way she is. Admit that. You might not agree with or love ALL her aspects, but the whole crazy pile is someone that you
love. I once wrote a poem (dedicated to my then-girlfriend - who fell in love with me, but then
immediately wanted to change me) with the opening lines (and this is the genesis of my user name): "If you're looking for Mr. Perfect / What the
hell are you doing with me???"
6th, it's been at least 20 - maybe 30 - years since I read this book, so I'm bound to misquote it, but it left a deep impression on me, and the gist is:
A husband thanks a psychiatrist for curing his wife of her depressions. [I think that the present-day diagnosis would be bipolar: very high highs, very low lows.] The psychiatrist - also a long-term family friend - responds:
"Your wife was like a pool of water connected by an underground tunnel to the ocean. The mighty ocean's ebbs and tides affected her. What I have done is to block that tunnel, so now she is a shallow pool, calm but shallow.
"Some success story! Some cure!"
from "God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Would you like to "cure" your wife of her polyamory?
@
sohuman: PLEASE don't lash out at people who are trying to help! I suppose that I've been polyamorous for decades... but I only heard the term for the 1st time a few weeks ago. I have been treated like a strange fish by many people, and I find this site so refreshing.
The term "polytamory" is fairly young, and - though there are certain groundrules (which I think that you would have no problem subscribing to... such as "cheating is
NOT polyamory") - it hasn't been homogenised. (And I hope that it never will be! "For variety's the very spice of polyamory" [or
something like that].) "Senior members" and moderators might have more experience, but they're not dictators - and I haven't (yet) come across one on here who wanted to be.
We're on here for debate, for mutual support (in a society that's largely hostile to the concept), for
interchange of opinions and life-stories.
Please don't give up on us just because someone gives you advice you don't agree with and have no intention of following. If we preceded all our comments with "now this is just my personal opinion, and I hope that you won't take it the wrong way..." each post would be much longer.
@
both of you, as my grandfather used to say: "Well, get you a chair!" (Welcome!)