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Old 01-22-2010, 02:12 AM
midnightsun's Avatar
midnightsun midnightsun is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: In the deep wilderness next to the man I love, raising a few wild animals some might call children.
Posts: 64
Question How do I heal a psychological disconnect between sex and emotional bonding?

Background: I have *always* been an extremely sensitive, emotionally intuitive person. I have always reserved sexual interaction for individuals with whom I feel a deep attraction and "chemistry" with and with whom I have developed a preliminary bond. I also prefer to have developed (or at least forsee developing) a meaningful bond with them.

My husband (Stewy on the board) and I have been married a little over 8 years now and known each other for 9. About 4 years ago we began discussing the idea of involving other people in our sex life. I advised him then that I am "not capable" of having sex with someone that I don't feel that attraction, chemistry and preliminary emotional bond with. I placed that as a requirement on me participating in any sexual encounters with others, male or female.

Given that boundary, there shouldn't have been an issue. However, as I mentioned in my introductory post, Stewy's criteria of attraction are far wider than mine and, although he is not into "casual" sex with people he doesn't care anything for, he is capable of developing a preliminary bond much faster with a far larger demographic of individuals.

Further complicating the situation is the fact that I'm submissive by nature. It is my driving force to wish to please others and to take pleasure in the process of them getting their needs met, my husband and my children being those people who's needs are most important to me, to the point of being paramount to my own. As we began to explore the idea of widening our sexual horizons together, we also encountered the dominant/submissive concept and were naturally drawn to it. Of COURSE, I ended up finding the role of submissive to fit my personality and sexual needs best.

Unfortunately, neither of us did much research into D/S at that point. When my husband became attracted to individuals that I did NOT, and time began to drag on with no potential partners meeting my "high standards" he began to get frustrated. He put pressure on me to lower my standards and stop being so "picky." As my "Dom" he gave me instructions that if I had an "opportunity" or we had an "opportunity" to have an encounter with someone I felt "comfortable" with, to take it.

Wanting to please him, wanting him to be fulfilled, I crossed a threshold I never should have crossed with people with whom I was NOT attracted to, did NOT have chemistry with and had NO bond with whatsoever. That was a couple of years ago and since then, I have crossed that threshold repeatedly. The result being that the connection between sex and emotional bonding was severed for me... however I was not fully AWARE of the disconnect until this week. When I realized the full extent of it, I was devastated.

To make matters worse, it became clear to me that the disconnect wasn't compartmentalized... it had carried over into the sexual and emotional aspects of my marriage as well. I have no clue where to begin to try and repair the damage, or whether it's even repairable. He and I have been discussing finding permanent polyamorous partners up until this point, and now we're completely confused about whether that would help or hurt the situation.

Up until now, neither of us have had any long-term secondary sexual partners that we've had a deep bond with. I have formed emotional bonds to other non-sexual partners, and I have FWB's that have been primarily sexual but they are both FRIENDS with whom I at least feel *some* connection.

So, the crux of the debate is... the Disconnect (as I call it) happened not within the context of one-on-one sex with my husband and I. It happened in the context of non-monogamy. So, if we "close" our marriage to the possibility of polyamory and exclude possible sexual interaction with others that I have a deep bond with, would it still be possible to reconnect the association between sex and emotional bonding for me?

Also, there's clearly a trust issue that now needs to be resolved because I entrusted Stewy with considering my emotional needs and psychological well-being as my Dom and was let down... repeatedly (even tho I reiterrated my needs to him frequently.)

My instinct is that I need to address the problem where it began... outside of our marriage. That I need to find at least one other partner and for sex with that person to ONLY be associated with a deep, emotional connection. It would probably help if sex between my husband and I ONLY happened when there is a simultaneous emotional connection between us. That *sometimes* happens now, but it is more the exception than the rule since the Disconnect. I see that as being hard to accomplish given that he has a much higher sex drive than me and my nature being to want to please him and give him what he needs, even if it's to my own detriment.

He fears that if I have lost that association with him, and I find it with another person, that it will prevent me from being able to repair my bond with him. He fears further damage to our marriage and losing each other altogether.

We're seeking input, feedback, thoughts from anyone and everyone who may have ideas as to what to do from here. Especially anyone who may have personal experience in the matter.

Whew... hope you aren't all asleep after reading my lengthy post!!! Even if no one has any ideas, thanks for listening.
"Life is too short to always sit around worrying about the bad shit that could happen. It's a lot more fun to go start some shit of my own. "
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abuse, bdsm, bonding, compassion, control, d/s, disconnect, forgiveness, power, red flags, sex

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