The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

In other news...MrClean moved his girlfriend, Katniss, in at the beginning of June. They have been together 10 months and couples counselling is already in the works.

Today SLeW broke up with her BF TT2.0 due to different priorities and values. (Dude's response was - "if the sex is OK then what is the problem?") To be fair, OUR relationship (Mine and Dude's) is predominantly sex-based. Being poly, I think that it is fine (getting needs met from people other than ONE). My relationship with MrS is everything-but-sex based. So it all evens out eventually
 
Congrats on selling the house! Well done. As you say, time to drop the ball of angry.
Is paying down the mortgage on Forever home the best return you can do with a lump sum of cash? 3.5% is pretty low for a mortgage.
 
Congrats on selling the house! Well done.

Thank you!

As you say, time to drop the ball of angry.

Yep. I know that I can't control anyone else's actions - only my own. So I did. (I have to give credit to my bestie SLeW for encouraging me to get on with it!)

Is paying down the mortgage on Forever home the best return you can do with a lump sum of cash? 3.5% is pretty low for a mortgage.

I'm not convinced that it is! My investment ROI long-term is significantly better than that. After replenishing my "emergency fund" (tax-advantaged money market account) and holding back what I think will more than cover my capital gains tax on my profit from the sale - I think it likely that I will allocate a significant chunk to my retirement savings. I am a Bogle-Head at heart and love me some low expense-ratio Index Funds. Low cost. Low turnover. Tax favorable. And mutual fund shares (outside of dedicated retirement accounts and the associated penalties) feel far more liquid than home equity should something arise.

I do want to have my mortgage paid off by the time I FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) to minimize my obligatory monthly out-of-pocket expenses post-retirement. But, without a second monthly mortgage payment... I think that I will calculate what monthly payment it would take to pay off the mortgage by my anticipated retirement date and increase my monthly payment to that out of my earned income, and wait to pay off the balance until my deductions get down to approaching the (free) standard deduction. At which time, I should have enough savings to self-insure and drop my Term Life and my Disability policies as well.

The other factor is that, given my profession, I can essentially "retire" and then decide to work as an "independent contractor" (even with my same employer if they offer me enough!) if I feel I need to. My employer discontinued their pension plan some years ago - I took the opportunity, when offered, to roll my pension benefits into our old 403(b) plan (the non-profit equivalent of a 401(k)). {I like the old plan better than the new plan - because it allows me to access the Vanguard index funds that I prefer - Lowest. Expense. Ratios. Ever.) The money in a 401(k)/403(b) is YOURS - your pension depends on the solvency of your company (ask any old airline pilots that you know how THAT feels! - just Googled it, 2002 for United, 2003 for US Airways, 2006 for AA - if you are curious, they are still fighting for their money!)

I used to be all about the Dollar-Cost-Averaging - but the math doesn't hold up vs. lump sum investing. If you have the money NOW, invest it NOW (unless you might need it for something short-term, in which case don't try to out-math the market - you can't!)

The interest on the student loans is even lower but, for me, not deductible. (Oh, the woes of having planned early and positioning myself to take advantage of opportunities to consolidate loans and refinance cheaply when interest rates tanked!:D) So, mixed feelings there. No rush.

*********************

Doh, I'd apologize for turning my reply into a personal finance essay - but it IS my own blog, and having a "hobby" of personal finance, it's hard not to talk about it!

Another idea that I am kicking around - our oldest nieces/nephews are just getting to the age of part-time jobs. Once they have earned income, I like the idea of opening Roth IRAs for them (you have to have earned income to qualify for a Roth IRA - but there is no requirement that the money has to COME from that income). I could then "gift" them their IRAs for wedding presents or "congrats-on-your-first-real-job" presents, of course the idea is that they would continue to fund them themselves but even if they don't - compounding over decades could get them a great head-start! (Needless to say - between myself and their grandparents, they already have significant 529 assets - my youngest sister's youngest kid was born in November, she had his 529 set up in plenty of time for my annual Christmas contribution that same year!)
 
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Triggering - don't read if you don't want to

OK I was just replying on the What to Do When a Request is Ignored? thread and found myself feeling defensive. So I am looking at my response and trying to figure out why I am so angry yet still feel the need to couch my reply so delicately so that it is not dismissed.

I had made a comment in a post about intimacy and sex workers. The reply brought up a rather "chicken or the egg" conversation about sex work and intimacy issues and sexual trauma.

I, personally, am intrigued by the possibility of "healthy" sex work. Is it possible to choose to become a sex worker for reasons other than lack of choices and desperation? Part of that involves the definition of "sex work" - if a woman doesn't actually have sex with the client (pro-domme, burlesque dancer, ShowGirl) then that doesn't count? (even thought a lot of the same "debasing women" themes come up?)

When I have tried to have these conversations "objectively" I always minimize my own experiences.

When people point out that sex workers often have a history of sexual trauma, I can't help but think, yes, but so do AT LEAST 20% of all women (which, I suspect is a very low estimate). When you conflate socioeconomic status, financial resources, mental health demographics - I am actually pretty sure that the majority (more than 50%) of minimum wage workers, in general, have had experiences that I would categorize as sexual trauma/assault/harassment. (Actually, if you include "harassment" in the list - I would be hard-pressed to find any female on the planet that has not experienced THAT at least once.)

So why, when I am having these conversations, do I feel so dissuaded from including my own, personal, reactions to what I have experienced?

It is because I am ashamed. And I am ashamed that I am ashamed.

I feel like I should have prevented the things that happened to me, because I am strong and I am NOT afraid! I "should have" responded differently, I "should have" called him out.

I feel that I should not be upset by the things that bother other people because I am not "sensitive" - I am tough, I can "take it".

I AM NOT HELPING OTHER WOMEN BY MINIMIZING MY EXPERIENCES!!!

I am ashamed that I cannot be the advocate that I "should be" because ...


I feel like...If I admit that I am "one of us" that I lose credibility with the people that I could influence...

Like, if I pretend that I am not "one of us" that I can make logical and coherent arguments about how "they" (people who have experienced sexual assault) should be heard/acknowledged. But if I "admit" that I am one of us - then I am damaged, my perspective is skewed, I am "one of them" (those people damaged by being violated).

I never reported my rape. I have always maintained that it was "no big deal", I can handle it. It was a mistake. I'm sure he didn't mean it. I didn't get beaten or hurt or bruised - so how can that be assault? It's "nothing". I woke up with someone's penis inside of me. I yelled "What the fuck?!" and he ran off. That doesn't really count, right?! He probably doesn't even remember, yet I worry that his life has been wracked by guilt...but, I'm "fine" so it doesn't matter.

(MrS was there that night, he offered to "go after" the guy - I said no. He feels guilty that he didn't do more...but I told him to let it go. I tried to talk to Dude about it - and got grilled with a thousand-million questions about if I had flirted with him, and led him on...so I feel that he thinks I am "traumatized" by this more that I do, but also that I am making "too much" of a misunderstanding...)

Fuck.
 
From another blog...

...I still struggle with the need for male attention. Do not know if that will ever go away. Maybe when and if my looks go. Who knows.

One thing that I have noticed is that my ability to appreciate attractiveness in different age demographics has matured as I have - which is fortunate! I have to assume that I am not the only one for whom this is true.

Resonates for me.

I still prefer "close to my own age." But as my own age changes, the "window" changes too. When I was in my 20s, other 20s looked pretty good to me. Now? Not so much. Wouldn't have anything in common. I'm at a different stage of my life.

Galagirl

I'm not sure what this has to do with sexyserb's situation, but I'll be the oddball. I almost always find people about 20-30 years younger than me more attractive than people my own age. Of course, I am 63. I look good for my age, not great, but good. But I notice, many men and women my age or even 10 years younger don't take good care of themselves and look kind of blah. Dull skin, bad hair, dressed poorly for their body type, really out of shape. And many of them are so oldfashioned too, in their outlooks on life. Or depressed.

I have to admit the looks of people in their mid to late 30s to late 40s look quite nice to me. Desirable. 20somethings often look great too, mind you, but I have tried to date them and they are too immature emotionally.

I sometimes think it's because I was partnered at 19 and married him at 22, and then didn't divorce til age 54. So I don't feel my age.

Sexyserb brought it up in #106.

Like stuff they've noticed about themselves since the changed marriage.

Galagirl


Continued convo...
 
Jane,

I think it was you who made the statement. And it is totally understandable.
Sorry I forgot to highlight what you had said properly.
 
My response was to sexyserb's comment of "when and if my looks go"...

Like Mags, I feel as though I have aged well...(I must admit, through no effort of my own, although I am now starting to take more care - my parents granted me some great genes to work with.)

When I was in my teens and 20s anyone who looked "old" to me and tried to chat me up was "creepy" (and probably was...since I looked about 12 until I was 20 and late teens until I was almost 30).

In my 30s, I was amused when older teens and younger 20s would hit on me (didn't they know I was "old"?), but men and women in their 40s started to look more attractive, confident, experienced, "together". Now that I am in my 40s - I notice it a lot more when people look older than their/my age. (i.e. "Do I look that aged?") but also when people who are older than I am look great! (Ohh, they are all attractive and sexy and they are 10 or 15 years older than me! Can I age that well?)

So now? Anyone under 30 looks impossibly young - attractive to look at but nothing in common (As GalaGirl alluded to). 15 years older or younger...possible prospects. Over 15 years older...may be where I want to be when I grow up!
 
Another question that plagues me...(not really) is: "How much effort am I willing to put into looking young(ish)?

So, loosing weight and getting fit? - they have other benefits in terms of energy level and functional activity levels so, to me, that seems reasonable.

Am I willing to start dying my hair? THAT seems like a LOT of work/maintenance that I am really not interested in doing. My hair went from dirty blonde to mousy brown, I've gotten high-lights twice now. They looked nice but ... I feel like some "Sun-In" and a hair dryer would be about as effective. I probably have more grey hairs than I have noticed (I have pulled out the 7 that I have found!) but obviously they can't bother me if I fail to see them (probably because I will need bifocals here pretty soon but prefer to just perch my regular glasses on my head when I am looking at things close up.):D

It's one thing to just try to be healthier, and another to spend time and money getting waxes, tweezed, dyed, manicured, pedicured, facialed, etc - only to have to do it all again in a week or two for marginal differences as to what the boys could do for me at home (if I/they cared...which we don't). Meh.
 
duplicate post
 
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I've been posting in the LSB Weight Loss thread about our renewed efforts. I am really, really pleased with the results so far and that is a HUGE incentive to keep it up!

Not only have I lost 7.5# in 3 weeks, I feel better, I sleep better, I look better. Furthermore, that weight seems to be coming off of my stomach and not my other (new) curves that I like! Yay! Double win! (I probably mentioned it before - but I never had any boobs to speak of until age 35 - 2 failed pregnancies and 40 extra pounds and it looks like a had a really good boob job! - like someone transplanted a 20-somethings tits on an old lady's chest!)

My favorite "fat old lady" bathing suit is trying to fall apart on me - and since swimming is part of my new plan I had to drag out the swimwear bag and figure something out. SLeW and I had gone swimsuit shopping a few years ago (last weight loss/work out attempt) and my suit still had tags on - put it on and...YES! I actually think I don't look half bad!

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/album.php?albumid=1114&pictureid=3705

It's a two piece with boy shorts and a halter top with no midriff flesh showing (also not the one I will be wearing at the gym - which is a Speedo type and fuck anyone who gives a shit what I look like when I am exercising!)

PS. As an aside, why do they insist upon putting removable boob circles in everything? They look like padded boob circles! Is it because females are somehow not supposed to have nipples!? News Flash: everyone has nipples! Is it because sports bras and swimsuits smoosh your boobs flat? Back when I had no tits I constantly asked why they insisted on putting "underwires" in AA cup bras (I always removed them) - now I want to know why they put boob circles in C-cup sports bras (I remove them as well).
 
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PS. As an aside, why do they insist upon putting removable boob circles in everything? They look like padded boob circles! Is it because females are somehow not supposed to have nipples!? News Flash: everyone has nipples! Is it because sports bras and swimsuits smoosh your boobs flat? Back when I had no tits I constantly asked why they insisted on putting "underwires" in AA cup bras (I always removed them) - now I want to know why they put boob circles in C-cup sports bras (I remove them as well).

Good Lord, do I hate those things. I have had to remove them from my sports bras, because not only do they look stupid, especially when they bunch up, but they also tend to migrate to other areas of the bra (or outside the bra entirely) when I wash them. Grrrr...

Clearly, someone out there thinks random padded circles look better than nipples. I would like to find that person and bury them in all the pads I've taken out (or had fall out in the washer) over the years. This may be the shoulder pads of the 2010s...
 
I literally JUST did the same thing with my "padded"s sports bra's. I had never had sports bra without those in it and only recently realised I could remove them. Well I went through every single one of mine and removed them all. HA! I hate those so much. Womens breasts aren't even circular so yeah covering the nipple is annoying. I freed my nipple and went to the gym anyway. I'm barely a B, (between a and b), so I don't need all that extra annoying fluff like underwire or circle pads. we need a hashtag; #freethegymnipple
 
I also hate the "nipple armor" as real calls them. Annoying and useless pieces of modesty fabric.
 
Ah-ha! I am not alone in my disdain for unhelpful undergarment accoutrements!

I remember in high school that my first job (a hostess at Eat 'n Park) had a dress code that required female employees wear bras. Since the hostess uniform at the time was a vest over a blouse I failed to see why my non-existent tits required uncomfortable elastic garments. The only way that someone could tell that I wasn't wearing one would be if they a.) felt me up or b.) noticed the lack of the characteristic lumps that bras make under clothing.

I don't mind wearing a camisole under sheer blouses but requiring someone to wear random pieces of elastic that make them more uncomfortable is akin to requiring women to wear high-heels. nope. Not. Gonna. Do. It.
 
Been posting in the LSB Weight Loss thread - mentioned that Mom called about the Thanksgiving menu - Have I ever mentioned that I have the BEST MOM EVER (I have the best dad too, but today I am appreciating mom).

So, Dude's birthday was last week and she sent him a card, like she does every year. Which sounds like no big deal, unless you know that Mom doesn't actually send birthday cards as a matter of course - as a family we generally celebrate birthdays when we all get together in the spring and fall, and, since we are going to be seeing each other, we don't get cards.

However. Mom knows that Dude is estranged from his (really dysfunctional) family - and she thinks that everyone should get at least ONE card for their birthday, so she has assigned herself that role even though she will see him in person this week for Thanksgiving. (It also makes me smile that she signs his card with an LOL - which, in her world, stands for Little Old Lady :rolleyes:)

So lucky to have been born into my family - I have a lot of Thanks to be Giving!
 
Riddle me this -

Backstory: Dude has been going to local (and not so local) Music Festivals since we got back from Burning Man 2 years ago. I suspect MrS will be joining him in the near future (the two of them went before Dude and I went to Burning Man - the situation that caused MrS to stop has been rectified.)

Although I do not like strangers in my Nest, this periodically results in random folk ("festival kids" or, as I call them "strays") winding up at my house - we feed, shelter, clothe them until they move on. I thought this would bother me a lot more than it does - I am not, personally, expected to entertain them - I just go about my regular day and step over the sleeping neo-hippies in my library. I won't let anyone freeze or starve on my watch - so as long as they are fine with hand-me-downs/thrift store finds and Ramen then I'm not giving them the boot.

These folk now seem to make up Dude's dating pool. In February he struck up a (sexual) relationship with H-burg (she has not been to the house, but he has visited hers) - they had sex at a festival and there was contact after. For some reason (here starts the riddle) - their relationship never sat well with me. Now, after the most recent festival, he is all up in NRE with a new girl Brutal - and the plan is for her to come visit in a month or so when her husband is on a business trip.

I am liking her (Brutal) so far, while H-burg was "meh". Why is this?!? Merely because Dude and Brutal haven't had sex and Dude and H-burg have? Or because what I have heard of Brutal meshes with my own personal tastes in partners?


Grrrr... sometimes my brain confounds me!
 
My partner became a burner in the time since I met him. I am not a big fan of the people he's met in that crowd--they seem very silly and flaky, although excellent at building campsites, etc. I haven't felt like I have much in common with them.

My partner has a lot of Dude-like qualities. Spontaneous, sexual, unable to plan ahead, etc. I've been a fan of your story for that reason!
 
My partner became a burner in the time since I met him. I am not a big fan of the people he's met in that crowd--they seem very silly and flaky, although excellent at building campsites, etc. I haven't felt like I have much in common with them.

My partner has a lot of Dude-like qualities. Spontaneous, sexual, unable to plan ahead, etc. I've been a fan of your story for that reason!

There are (obviously) qualities that I love about Dude (or I wouldn't have kept him for the last 7 years). But yes, "silly and flaky" seem to be common factors in the festival folk (it does seem, to me, that many of them are professional moochers or trust-fund kids - don't they ever have to go to work?! Buy groceries? Take care of family?) "Radical Inclusion" is a burner credo - which I interpret as "Radical Acceptance" (which meshes with my own philosophy echoing Heinlein's definition of sin, among other things). BUT, "accepting" people, does not, in my philosophy, require befriending them.

I've written before about Dude's ability to pretty much find something to admire in everyone. I don't have that skill. I can "accept" people without wanting to interact with them! (To be honest, I don't "like" most people.)

Maybe I was exceptionally lucky, but when I was actually AT Burning Man I had innumerable positive interactions with strangers that reinforced my positive experience. I had a wonderful time! (To be fair, there were 70K people there - so odds were good that some of them would be my sort of people.) This may be weird, but I almost don't want to go back, in case my experience is less than ideal.
 
It's been interesting reading people's blogs- guess I'm trying to get to know the "voices" a little better! Thanks for a good read, Jane.

If you don't mind some late chiming in, I definitely think that there are healthy sex workers. I personally know some for who it is merely a job and they haven't experienced sexual trauma beyond the usual. It's good money and they enjoy the work. A range from exotic dancers to prostitutes to pro Dommes, if that helps any.

I'm not a fan of festival type people myself. My husband goes to a big festival every summer for three weeks but it's totally not my thing. Vegan eating and camping sounds like my idea of hell. And the people there don't really seem to be my kind of people, either. I am not generally a people person, and I like to have at least something in common with someone to talk about, or else have similar goals/values.

I've been starting to read Heinlein lately. Some interesting ideas in there. I'm not sure how I feel about some of it, though. Feels like a little too much connection/inclusion for me sometimes!
 
It's been interesting reading people's blogs- guess I'm trying to get to know the "voices" a little better! Thanks for a good read, Jane.!

I'm glad you enjoyed reading here! :) My other, older, "Journey" blog here is a more edited "story" version of my formative years. This one is way more random.

If you don't mind some late chiming in, I definitely think that there are healthy sex workers. I personally know some for who it is merely a job and they haven't experienced sexual trauma beyond the usual. It's good money and they enjoy the work. A range from exotic dancers to prostitutes to pro Dommes, if that helps any.

Not at all, chime away! It does help. I feel that sex work shouldn't have to be degrading for women. For (fictional) examples the "Companion" character Inara Serra in Joss Whedon's "Firefly" or Tamara in Heinlein's "Future History" books.

I'm not a fan of festival type people myself. My husband goes to a big festival every summer for three weeks but it's totally not my thing. Vegan eating and camping sounds like my idea of hell. And the people there don't really seem to be my kind of people, either. I am not generally a people person, and I like to have at least something in common with someone to talk about, or else have similar goals/values.

"Vegan eating" is not part of my/our festival experience. Our camp theme when we went to Burning Man was "Meat and Potatoes" - we cooked steak (sous vide), served with mashed potatoes and peas (my favorite meal) and passed out Mojitos. Camping doesn't bother me, but feeling obligated to talk to boring people does! Burning Man was huge enough that I could pick and choose who to interact with, I feel that smaller festivals would be more onerous. (Dude stops and talks with anyone who will converse, I keep walking, he can catch up or meet back at camp - i would rather drink and read a book than talk to people I don't have anything in common with.)


I've been starting to read Heinlein lately. Some interesting ideas in there. I'm not sure how I feel about some of it, though. Feels like a little too much connection/inclusion for me sometimes!

My favorites (although that is hard, I am a HUGE Heinlein fan and have my reasons for liking just about everything he wrote) with regards to poly are "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress", "To Sail Beyond the Sunset", and "Expanded Universe". "Stranger in a Strange Land" is his most well-known book, and I enjoy it, but it is not one of my favorites.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!

Hope you have a LOT to be thankful for this Thanksgiving Day.

JQSmythe
 
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