Triggering - don't read if you don't want to
OK I was just replying on the
What to Do When a Request is Ignored? thread and found myself feeling defensive. So I am looking at my response and trying to figure out why I am so angry yet still feel the need to couch my reply so delicately so that it is not dismissed.
I had made a comment in a post about intimacy and sex workers. The reply brought up a rather "chicken or the egg" conversation about sex work and intimacy issues and sexual trauma.
I, personally, am intrigued by the possibility of "healthy" sex work. Is it possible to choose to become a sex worker for reasons other than lack of choices and desperation? Part of that involves the definition of "sex work" - if a woman doesn't
actually have sex with the client (pro-domme, burlesque dancer, ShowGirl) then that doesn't count? (even thought a lot of the same "debasing women" themes come up?)
When I have tried to have these conversations "objectively" I always minimize my own experiences.
When people point out that sex workers often have a history of sexual trauma, I can't help but think, yes, but so do AT LEAST 20% of all women (which, I suspect is a very low estimate). When you conflate socioeconomic status, financial resources, mental health demographics - I am actually pretty sure that the majority (more than 50%) of minimum wage workers, in general, have had experiences that I would categorize as sexual trauma/assault/harassment. (Actually, if you include "harassment" in the list - I would be hard-pressed to find any female on the planet that has not experienced THAT at least once.)
So why, when I am having these conversations, do I feel so dissuaded from including my own, personal, reactions to what I have experienced?
It is because I am ashamed. And I am ashamed that I am ashamed.
I feel like I should have prevented the things that happened to me, because I am strong and I am NOT afraid! I "should have" responded differently, I "should have" called him out.
I feel that I should not be upset by the things that bother other people because I am not "sensitive" - I am tough, I can "take it".
I AM NOT HELPING OTHER WOMEN BY MINIMIZING MY EXPERIENCES!!!
I am ashamed that I cannot be the advocate that I "should be" because ...
I feel like...If I admit that I am "one of us" that I lose credibility with the people that I could influence...
Like, if I pretend that I am not "one of us" that I can make logical and coherent arguments about how "they" (people who have experienced sexual assault) should be heard/acknowledged. But if I "admit" that I am one of us - then I am damaged, my perspective is skewed, I am "one of them" (those people damaged by being violated).
I never reported my rape. I have always maintained that it was "no big deal", I can handle it. It was a mistake. I'm sure he didn't mean it. I didn't get beaten or hurt or bruised - so how can that be assault? It's "nothing". I woke up with someone's penis inside of me. I yelled "What the fuck?!" and he ran off. That doesn't really count, right?! He probably doesn't even remember, yet I worry that his life has been wracked by guilt...but, I'm "fine" so it doesn't matter.
(MrS was there that night, he offered to "go after" the guy - I said no. He feels guilty that he didn't do more...but I told him to let it go. I tried to talk to Dude about it - and got grilled with a thousand-million questions about if I had flirted with him, and led him on...so I feel that he thinks I am "traumatized" by this more that I do, but also that I am making "too much" of a misunderstanding...)
Fuck.