Wife Wants Temporary Exclusivity With Boyfriend

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I cannot believe that you are actually considering this. Everything I have read in any medium regarding male sexuality has stated that a mans primary need in any relationship style is SEX .

You need to read some better books/articles.
 
You need to read some better books/articles.

Funny, I’d be willing to bet you what Ive read has sold hundreds of thousands more copies that anything you have read or refer to.

Sorry I forgot those of you that get offended by anyone challenging your poly bubble society where the rest of the world is crazy.

You want to cheer the man on for being a cuckold go for it.
 
We are fairly new to partnered non-monogamy and do not have nearly the level of experience of most of the folks here. And I am avoiding using the term polyamory, because falling in love is not a goal for us- but is recognized as a possibility and is not an automatic end to everything. There are some inequalities being requested in our relationship right now. My wife would like to be highly involved in any other sexual relationship I develop. She would like the freedom to develop her own much more independently.

I think the advice to decide to what YOU want and what you can be happy with is the best here. If this is a non-starter for you, then two months of non-consensual celibacy is a completely unfair request and you should tell her she can't cut you off, because she does not know where you are getting it. If you think you can be happy with the arrangement, then figure out what you DO need and communicate that to your wife.

I am figuring out what I can and can't agree to regarding any inequality in our own pursuits. I can say with certainty I could NOT be OK with not having sex with my wife and not being allowed to pursue sex elsewhere. But it really does not matter what I am OK with. What matters is what you can be OK with.
 
Funny, I’d be willing to bet you what Ive read has sold hundreds of thousands more copies that anything you have read or refer to.

Sorry I forgot those of you that get offended by anyone challenging your poly bubble society where the rest of the world is crazy.

You want to cheer the man on for being a cuckold go for it.

It's not about how many copies it has sold. It's about how accurate and reliable it is.
 
If this is a non-starter for you, then two months of non-consensual celibacy is a completely unfair request and you should tell her she can't cut you off, because she does not know where you are getting it. If you think you can be happy with the arrangement, then figure out what you DO need and communicate that to your wife.

I echo Tinwen's point that "fair" and "unfair" are not very helpful concepts - and you seem to know this, as you go on to explain the importance of talking about what partners are willing to explore and not willing to explore. This idea of "fair" is worth pointing out because so many couples seem to get fooled by the assumption that "fairness" and "equitability" will head off a lot of discontent, when in actuality "fairness" really is an empty ideal to strive for. Just because two people are a couple doesn't mean that they have or need to strive for having the same preferences and boundaries. Monogamy tends to promote the ideal that "we share everything" and poly tends to promote the ideal that "we have freedom," but in any good relationship, each partner must know herself and be able to communicate her own preferences and boundaries.
 
I think this is a great thread for all the lurkers out there considering jumping in the pool.


IMO there are few red flags in this story ....#1transition to poly with the cheating partner #2 the very loving request to suspend sexual relationship with her husband.

Either she seems to think you have such low expectations or no interest or are that desperate that such a request wont have an impact in your relationship.
Plenty of guys have come here and expressed how they feel their wife’s or partners are faking it or just going through the motions, etc . In this case you’re openly actively being rejected. You’re already in poly hell....(demotion, displacement, intrusion).

This might make sense from the side of building a good bond or something with her new/ old BF but from keeping a marriage and family together I don’t see it.

To me this looks like someone either too chicken just dump her old life and wants you to do it which is why she keeps upping the break point OR she’s so use to getting what she wants she doesn’t see this as really a big deal.

The calculation she must have rolled through her head that such a request could very seriously damage any sexually relationship in the future and she was ok with that. I mean who wants to have sex with someone who clearly doesn’t want to with you. Youre supposed wife and partner. I’m not trying to be too dramatic but this is like taking a hammer to Humpty Dumpty after the fall.

The advise of Wait and see. Wouldn’t that cut both ways. Or better yet this is what 11yrs of marriage and investment bought you.

I’m a big believer that certain bells can’t be unrung and some lines can’t be crossed.
 
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To me this looks like someone either too chicken just dump her old life and wants you to do it which is why she keeps upping the break point...

This is what we sometimes call a soft transition out of a marriage into a new mono relationship. "Let's be poly" seems to be a newly acceptable way to ease into the old "Honey, I want a divorce." It's anyone's bet if this is happening with the OP, but we sure see an awful lot of it around here.
 
Honestly, this is pretty gender-essentialist and unequivocally not true. Men, women, non-binary people... all have DIFFERENT relationship needs not based on their gender. SOME men have a primary need for sex in their relationships. So do some women. SOME women's primary need in a relationship is emotional. So is some men's.

Not just that, but you're literally contradicting the original poster's stated experience _of his own needs_, where he said that his were not as high as his wife's.

I think you need to do some more reading.

I thought that was a pretty weird claim too. In fact, I've been having some real issues in my life because it is absolutely not true for the men in my life. Sex definitely is not their primary need.

Some days I really wish it was though. LOL But yes, I agree with you. People are all different.
 
OP, I'd be really hurt by this suggestion and I don't think it's reasonable at all. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. I don't know what advice to give but I hope it works out for you.
 
I echo Tinwen's point that "fair" and "unfair" are not very helpful concepts - and you seem to know this, as you go on to explain the importance of talking about what partners are willing to explore and not willing to explore. This idea of "fair" is worth pointing out because so many couples seem to get fooled by the assumption that "fairness" and "equitability" will head off a lot of discontent, when in actuality "fairness" really is an empty ideal to strive for. Just because two people are a couple doesn't mean that they have or need to strive for having the same preferences and boundaries. Monogamy tends to promote the ideal that "we share everything" and poly tends to promote the ideal that "we have freedom," but in any good relationship, each partner must know herself and be able to communicate her own preferences and boundaries.

I do think fair is still an important concept, but it is not the same as equal or equitable. An arrangement can be perfectly equal and totally unfair. OPPs often seem to be defended because they are equal "we can both date other women" but are only fair if that meets the needs of both parties.

In OPs case, I think if both parties would like the freedom to pursue other relationships and one party is negotiating to secure that freedom for themselves and deny it to their partner, that is both unequal and unfair. If the OP feels his wife's proposal is optimal for him as well, the arrangement would be unequal but fair. If OP has no desire for other relationships but is forced to pursue them because his wife is, it would be equal but unfair.

I think we are generally in agreement, and it may be semantics, but i think the concept of fair vs unfair seems to have value in polymory. Much more so than equal vs unequal.
 
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Funny, I’d be willing to bet you what Ive read has sold hundreds of thousands more copies that anything you have read or refer to.

Sorry I forgot those of you that get offended by anyone challenging your poly bubble society where the rest of the world is crazy.

You want to cheer the man on for being a cuckold go for it.

I was responding to the ridiculous premise that men are only in relationships for sex.

I have no idea where you're getting the latter two conclusions.
 
^ She did say the above, however, it's still not true.

On average, or across the board, men MAY have more of a primary need for sex than women, but from both research and my own experience, there are SO very many exceptions to this "rule" to make any kind of sweeping statement sound fairly ridiculous.

Besides, the OP unequivocally stated that his female partner's sexual needs are GREATER than his own.
 
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Apologies for further derailing this thread, but has to be said.
Everything I have read in any medium regarding male sexuality has stated that a mans primary need in any relationship style is SEX .
Umm... yeah, sorry, but that's three layers of BS. :eek:

I'm not particularly sexy, but by the time I turned 23 I had no problem getting laid. Once I'd determined that, I started to prefer partners who also enjoyed long dinners or shopping trips or Ren Faire or live music, who were strong-willed & smart & witty & well-read.

So, no. Any statement of "all men are there only for the sex" is utter nonsense.

(And it's also heterocentric, right? Are ALL gay men only gay in order to get laid, & their marriages a collective lie? Do lesbians merely use sex to lure each other into closed monogamy?)
 
Apologies for further derailing this thread, but has to be said.

Umm... yeah, sorry, but that's three layers of BS. :eek:

I'm not particularly sexy, but by the time I turned 23 I had no problem getting laid. Once I'd determined that, I started to prefer partners who also enjoyed long dinners or shopping trips or Ren Faire or live music, who were strong-willed & smart & witty & well-read.

So, no. Any statement of "all men are there only for the sex" is utter nonsense.

(And it's also heterocentric, right? Are ALL gay men only gay in order to get laid, & their marriages a collective lie? Do lesbians merely use sex to lure each other into closed monogamy?)

LOL

Exactly my point. On every post you make you are the ABSOLUTE authority on everything. The rest of the world is just misinformed as per Ravenscroft and anyone not toeing your nonsense is bat shit crazy.

I hope youre making a lot of money since you are absolutely correct on everything. but somehow I doubt thats the case.
 
I am 62. I have found since peri-menopause (starting at 42) that my sex drive is extremely high. Lower or absent estrogen seems to mean my testosterone is still around driving me to want sex pretty much every day, if I can get it. This is a major reason I seek younger men for bfs, since my sex drive is similar to a man much younger than me (say 21-45).

My 40 year old female partner's libido is lower than mine, due to her estrogen and her various psychological repressions around sex. She is less likely to initiate sex, and wants it much less than me. She is content on average with one 20 minute session once a week. I'd love hours of sex a week.

Testosterone on average does drive men to want sex a lot (prior to age 40, when testosterone starts to wane, causing lower drive and sometimes erectile dysfunction). Women have strong sex drives too, but our patriarchal culture has encouraged (forced!) women to downplay their libidos and needs for sex. But women do have naturally, just as strong sex drives as men, when not inhibited. It can be argued women have stronger sex drives because of our ability to have multiple orgasms. Many of us could take on more than one lover in a sex session before satisfied.

Women in studies under-report their sexual feelings and desires. We are still thought of as sluts if we want or get a lot of sex. Men are still thought of as studs if they get a lot of sex.

However, as with any animal, the sex drive for women is strongest during ovulation (in fertile women, but let's not leave peri- or menopausal women out of the equation!). Also, because of the patriarchy, fertile women don't jump into bed as quickly as men, because of the risk of pregnancy... our culture forces women to be pickier about when and with whom to have sex because we are so financially vulnerable during pregnancy and when our children are dependent on us.
 
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Again, she didn't say that. She said this:

Fair enough, but i vehemently disagree with primary need as well. Trust and companionship are higher for me. I know plenty of sexless marriages.

With just very quick googling, you can find articles like this from Psychology Today that says,
"The truth is that sex differences in most areas are relatively small, and there is much more variation between individual people than there is between genders.15 And just because a gender difference is “statically significant” doesn’t mean it’s large, simply that there is a reliable difference, on average.

...

Both men and women rate kindness, an exciting personality, and intelligence as the three most important characteristics in a partner, for example."
 
This is the first time I had to get back to this thread ....wow I missed a lot.:D

I’m trying to figure out how this current discussion helps the op ?

If it is or isn’t a primary need does that make this situation better ??

In my experience people protect / honor things that have value in their lives.
Clearly a sexual relationship with her husband has no value. Either her NRE clouded brain can’t see the cascading effects this could have to her relationship/ marriage or she doesn’t care.

When I got the battle cry for older members was.....” oh that’s just the NRE talking ...it will calm down and things will get better/ go back to normal”.

My thought then as today is that the people pushing this are preaching change. Their actions, words that cause damage also CAUSE change. What happens when the NRE wears off and there is no relationship to go back to. It’s like going on vacation and while you were gone your house burned to the ground. You get back all happy and well rested to find a pile of rubble and ash where your house once stood.

Those who suggest waiting the 2 months aren’t the ones that will have to endure forced celibacy. Being benched for the new guy. They won’t have to endure the other slights and missteps that will occur even under the best of conditions....which this isn’t. Can’t see at the end of 2months how this is going to make you marriage the same or better.

Please keep us updated I’d like to know how this turns out. I wish you luck.
 
The OP has stated he doesn't have nearly as high a sex drive as his partner. So it's possible he may be both willing and able to go two months without sex without feeling especially deprived - on a *physical* level.

Be that as it may, I think we all realise that isn't the issue here.

If it were me, I know I'd feel more hurt, insulted and insecure by the *request* alone, and all it implies, than by missing out on a couple of months' worth of sexual activity.
 
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