New Board Space Idea

@ Fallen Angelina and Leetah
You both initiated and continued the use of the word ghetto, and when I'm the one shocked you then accuse me of over reacting?

What? lol. :confused::confused::confused:

I'm not the one who started putting overloaded words into the conversation in the first place. ;)

@Ravencroft
I do not read every single post here, it's easily done to have lost it. You didn't by chance make a group or thread on this subject yourself?

Also i'm not sure how a group would be beneficial as it's already been stated that's its quite difficult to navigate the board other than currently active threads.


@Everyone reading and responding:

I also want to make it perfectly clear I am not saying " we need to section off non poly people" or based on activity or inactivity in actually having poly partners, but more a way to make it easier to navigate to those who are currently living the lifestyle for those who are new to find information on.

I am not sure how one would do that without drawing a line in the sand however which is why I asked suggestions. And it's not really my place to say let's do this new section, as an individual, but as being one small voice in the community I thought I'd position it forward with the idea of discussing it.

Thank you for your responses, negative nuetral, positive and otherwise.

If anything, it's pointed out a need for an easier way to navigate the forum and the lack of use of tags and tagging. Of which, I do not use either. But might do in future posts. Cheers.:cool:
 
What if instead of an entirely new forum section, the powers-that-be create a "sticky" thread in one of the existing sections. For example, this one; "General Poly Discussions" would seem to be a logical place to discuss anything poly-related, including no longer being actively poly, and if the thread was stickied, it would be easy to find.
 
It sounds like a case of the Speedo Problem, namely
Just because you CAN do it does NOT mean that you SHOULD do it.
(Can't remember where I stole that from or I'd give proper credit. :eek:)

I don't yet see a clear presentation as to WHY it makes any sense to "rope off" an area of the Forums. Certainly, if people feel the need for a "safe space" in which to discuss the topic, there's nothing particularly protected about making a chalkmark on a busy sidewalk, & clearly a Social Group would be an actual solution.

Start a thread. If nobody contributes, it sinks off Page One & is soon enough forgotten. If it's popular, it remains near the top. (If possible, put the thread in a low-use Forum near the top of the directory, where its name will frequently appear as people contribute, thus drawing attention. Presently, that would be Articles.)

If nobody wants to start such a thread, then there's clearly no reason to even consider given the "topic" its own Safe Space.

If it were a good idea, we'd already have a lively thread (maybe an entire area) set up for the benefit of "mono person with poly partner" which verifiably is a regular beginning point for discussions on this site.
________________

But let's return to this thread's premise.

I have had phases in my life (sometimes years long) where, for one reason or another, I have had two intimate partners, or one partner, or no partner at all.

In NONE of those phases was I out shopping around in hopes of tacking on another intimate relationship or three. What I had fitted nicely in my life.

In NONE of those phases did I feel as though I somehow "was not poly" or was "less poly" than when I was juggling six or seven sexual relationships. My feelings about intimate relationships were the same as always.

So, on the one hand, I'm inclined to say that if someone has gained "the poly outlook" from actual experience, then they don't simply STOP "being poly." Their experiences & their informed thoughts are certainly welcome here, IMO, & clearly have no need to be sequestered in any way.

And if someone has managed to lose that outlook, & return to Monogamist thinking -- where nonmonogamy is immoral, perverted, evil, dirty, actively tries to destroy monogamy in general & marriage in particular -- then the outlook doesn't really have a place on a site dedicated to supporting polyamorous relating.
 
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Well actually the idea came to me because I was noticing a small subsection of peoples blogs I regularly read, and those who have melted away over the last year or two, who were actively poly and no longer poly not feeling like it would be ok to continue blogging here/contributing here. :confused:
Even I myself felt..like if I wasn't actively poly should I be blogging- more than once.


So..that's where the idea came from not from a need to section off but actually a need to include and spell out that it's ok to still be here.

And I have made a thread post :p This one.
 
Well, it would be nice if we could have a way for ex-polys to feel more welcome here.
 

I think that this concept is the point of discussion. What is an ex-poly? In my experience, a poly mindset is a poly mindset, no matter how many partners are in the current picture, so there's no such thing as an ex-poly and no need to demarcate a section for "them." We do have 344 threads in which self-identitifed mono people talk about their experiences and one thread in particular for general discussion that has 386 responses about the topic. I'm not sure why anyone would get the feeling that a person needs to be actively poly to participate in this community, but I rather suspect that those who fall away are a self-selected group of people who are just not much interested in the topic anymore. Granted, there's no better place on the internet to find intelligent, experienced and mature discourse on relationships in general, but as opalescent pointed out, this is a discussion board for polyamory, after all.
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417
ex-polys

Karen, the FallenAngelina replied:
I think that this concept is the point of discussion. What is an ex-poly? In my experience, a poly mindset is a poly mindset, no matter how many partners are in the current picture, so there's no such thing as an ex-poly and no need to demarcate a section for "them."

It seems to me that Karen has addressed the most pertinent issue - "What is an ex-poly"? And maybe you then have to ask "what is a poly person" (and I am not talking about a technical definition of polyamory - we have a very long thread on that already).

Some self identify as poly and believe that is their natural orientation - and have a natural inclination to be happiest with multiple relationships - and to the point where they find it natural to do so in an open, honest, and ethical manner. I have read various accounts of those here to whom that would certainly seem to apply - at least based on what they have written, and from my own personal experience (limited though it may be), it certainly seems to apply to my ldr gf, Betty - also on the Forum as BouncingBetty. It certainly would seem (to me, at least) that these individuals would never be an "ex-poly" - even if they were not practicing polyamory per se due to - any number of reasons. They would always have the "poly mindset" at some level.

Others would view poly as a lifestyle choice rather than an orientation - at least for themselves. Again - this seems to be obvious when reading certain accounts here on the forum. In my personal experience, this would seem to apply to my wife - who really seems to have no interest in poly per se - only to have my consent for her to have a secondary relationship with her boyfriend (consent being an ethical necessity for her personal philosophy of life). I would also have said this applies to me as well - and it may, but as I have made a concerted, conscientious effort to de-condition myself of my deep mono conditioning over the last year, I have come to wonder what role conditioning may play in regard to this question as a whole... Regardless, those who have may have practiced poly as a lifestyle choice, and later discarded it may qualify as "ex-poly" - but -as Karen noted - are probably not very much interested in poly discussion at that point. And still, one has to wonder if one is ever completely mono in mindset again after having practiced poly. I would imagine some are - but I doubt that I would ever have a true mono mindset again - even if my wife and I abandoned the practice of poly and went back to a strictly mono lifestyle. Anyway - just a couple of more thought on the subject. Al
 
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I agree with Ravenscroft and FallenAngelina. Poly is more of a mindset or philosophy. Are single momo people no longer mono?

I am one of those people with a blog who is not currently practicing poly. I am still poly, but I don"t have much poly related stuff to contribute to my blog. So I just post little updates here and there. Eventually I will be practicing poly again.

To me, "ex-poly" would refer to someone who has decided poly is not for them; has seen the error of their ways. I don't think we have anyone like that, but their view should be welcomed as a counterpoint.

We have had a few mono people come and go. Mostly they are bitter because someone dropped the poly bomb on them. Again, their contributions could be useful.

I don't think anyone who is mono or truly ex-poly would have much interest in sticking around a poly forum unless they were some sort of anti-poly crusader. This forum is decidedly pro-poly.

I'm not sure a separate section for currently non-practicing poly folks (like me) would be very useful.
 
Well actually the idea came to me because I was noticing a small subsection of peoples blogs I regularly read, and those who have melted away over the last year or two, who were actively poly and no longer poly not feeling like it would be ok to continue blogging here/contributing here. :confused:
Even I myself felt..like if I wasn't actively poly should I be blogging- more than once.


So..that's where the idea came from not from a need to section off but actually a need to include and spell out that it's ok to still be here.

And I have made a thread post :p This one.

This is well said. I don't think you necessarily need a separate section but I think that not practicing poly or non monogamy any more and reverting back to the process is something that should be talked about. This is NOT a one way street that always lasts a lifetime, and just as opening the relationship needs to be talked about, closing it also is part of the process for many.

Does anyone really think the majority of folks who go to a swingers club are swingers for life living blissfully forever. My bet is the overwhelming majority for one reason or another do it for short time periods or only go to test the waters.
Does anyone really think because you are a married woman with a boyfriend that the majority of these relationships always go like a well oiled machine??

Sometimes it is best to reverse the decision and those that have navigated that successfully can be helpful to those struggling.
 
I can sort of see it being useful to have a disclaimer at the start of long threads or blog posts that start out poly and end up (months or years later) either broken up or mono, but segregating them seems a bit much.
 
IME, "those who struggle" never actually achieved polyamory. If at that point they gave up, then nothing wrong with that, but they weren't "formerly poly." They're certainly welcome here. There is no obvious need to protect them.

Those who did achieve polyamory but have for some reason turned away? They are certainly welcome here, as they can probably never again accept Monogamism at face value, & they need someone to whom they can speak. In that sense, it most definitely IS "a one-way street" & I've yet to see an argument otherwise. There is no obvious need to protect them.
 
I'm with Starlight. I like the idea of a new forum for formerly poly and I'm actually surprised at some of the negative responses toward such an idea. Many people who posted here have left poly for various reasons and I think those reasons contribute to the discussion of what makes for successful poly.
 
Many people who posted here have left poly for various reasons and I think those reasons contribute to the discussion of what makes for successful poly.

Many people who have opted out of poly are still here and still posting and still contributing to discussions of what makes for successful poly - from their non-poly perspective. I was such a person. Why would we need to cordon off an area for such discussion when it's already happening? When I was new, it was clear to me that people here are in all states of poly, including choosing monogamy, and that is one aspect that makes this a vibrant community. If someone doesn't have that view of this community, then I'd say that person hasn't spent much time here anyway and doesn't have a feel for who is here. My previous comments aren't negative, they reflect my value that we preserve the community nature of this discussion board. We aren't the Reddit Poly page, with random questions one after the other, we are a neighborhood of sorts and a big part of the charm here is that we get to know people over the course of time, not just answers to questions.
 
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What Karen said.

I agree that people who are formerly poly contribute to the discussions. Because of that it makes no sense to have a separate area.
 
Explain, please.
There are many reasons why people leave poly. People can learn from those reasons about what works and what doesn't.

Why would we need to cordon off an area for such discussion when it's already happening?

I don't see it as cordoning anyone off. I see it as a more focused area where people know where to look for a general nature of discussion. Just as we know to look in the Life Stories and Blogs for...life stories and blogs. Or in the Meetings forum for Meetings. Or in the Introductions forum for introductions.

Any forum I've ever been to has multiple forums devoted to narrow topics within the larger field. Never once have I seen anyone regard that topic as 'cordoned off.'
 
So I'm digging this one up from the grave because Im awful at follow through(sorry!).

What was the decision on this idea or was it dropped like I dropped the ball? Lol.
 
As far as I know, the mods/admins decided not to create the new board space (for people who used to be poly). :(
 
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